Tough Times Even With Gay Siblings
I am one of 6 siblings. Four of us are gay. I am writing because even though you might think this is the ideal scenario for a lesbian to grow up in, we’re actually all quite isolated from each other. The two straight siblings are increasingly homophobic and have a holier than thou attitude towards the rest of us.
Recently, I was verbally and emotionally attacked by one of my straight siblings (male) because I did not give in to one of his “business plans.” This was followed by having to deal with homophobic slurs and a violent attack against my persona. What upsets me the most is that my gay siblings have a whole “don’t bother each other policy” and it’s a sweep everything under the rug family pattern. I don’t have anyone to go for support. My gay siblings do not even want my partner to come over for the holidays since the behavior is seen as “shaking” the well being of mother. They see it as “being in their face.”
Although I didn’t want to isolate myself from my family, I am starting to feel like there isn’t any other option. The straight one’s don’t want to know anything about my personal life and the gay one’s are so internally homophobic themselves that they don’t wish to know anything about my partner and I either. (although they secretly criticize my relationship to death).
Is there a healthier way that I can deal with this besides isolating myself all together? I’ve tried communication, I’ve tried setting healthy boundaries, and I’ve tried being true to myself. However, at the end of the day it’s exhausting and I’m still the one causing all the “trouble” in their perspective.
I feel depressed and isolated and like there is something wrong with me. Even though I know there isn’t anything in particular that is wrong with me being lesbian…..I feel like the constant rejection from all of my family members is really getting to me. I don’t know how else to deal with it but by isolating myself from them all together and putting the energy into my new family or relationship.
“If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasure of illusion. ” —Aldous Huxley
I understand the homophobia you are experiencing. My best advice to you is to move away from your family while still keeping in touch with them. This would help you understand and love yourself the more. You would also come to find peace within yourself. Dont hate your siblings. Love them still. They would understand someday. Remain calm and confident in yourself. Staying in a homophobic environment can be psychologically destructive to we gay people. Am gay too and have not told anyone yet. My coming out is going to be a difficult one though i dont plan to do so now. My country, Nigeria, is strongly homophobic. Dont hate yourself because Jesus Christ would never discriminate. The immense Love that God and Jesus Christ has for each of us is so indescribable that the human brain cannot apprehend. Also,
several gay persons have died and come back to life and reported their near death experiences of meeting God and/or Jesus Christ who love them no matter what! (All creation inclusive). In fact the LOVE was so great that they didnt want to return. But they had to. They also learned of the oneness of all creation. In the eyes of God, he sees our immortal souls, not our sex. Remember, Love is our life purpose, no matter what.
Yours with love, Dom,
Nigeria.
Hi my name is Millie, I have two sons, one is 21 & the other is 20. My oldest son is gay we found out when he was 14yrs & now I just found out that my 20 is gay also. Yes I am in shock & I feel numb. You would think that I would be able to handle this but it just seems harder for me. I love my sons more then anything in the world. I just feel shocked at this moment. And reading so many blogs & so many people having more then one gay child is amazing. I never realized it until now. I am planning on going to the PFLAG meeting where I live. I am praying that what I am feeling at this time will not last long.
My daughter came out when she was 13, then 3 years later my son came out. I DO love my kids but struggle as well. I have actually had such comments as “TWO gay children!!! I didnt know that was POSSIBLE!” and “Wow, you must really wonder what you did wrong” How can people be so cruel. I am trying so hard to accept it myself, and I do accept my kids but wish society would be a little easier on us all. Any suggestions?
Also,i response to the first poster…. I wish my kids were closer and would lean on each other more than they do. There is so much I don’t understand.
actually Millie I thought I was the only one!!LOL
please help me ! my 18 yr. old daughter just came out to her dad and i,she lives with me but sees him on the weekends.i always thought of my self as a strong understanding person,but this has me knocked for a loop.my daughter was born with a very mild case of spina bifida, after 7 yrs of therapy she is able to walk but her balance isnt great,shes broken her right leg twice before she turned 17. shes been a cutter now for 8 yr. and now this ,i want to escape this nitemare but i know i cant. im alone with no family or friends to talk to.i want to be supportive of her but im at a breaking point.p.s. menopause isnt much of a help either im affraid.
Linda I thought the same thing! Did not realize they are most like us then we think. I love my kids with all my heart & will always stand by there side. PFLAG does help!!
Dar..just read your blog…be strong…be there for your daughter & go to PFLAG meetings they do help. No one has the answer…it just is. Wish you all the best.
DAR there is help for people like you out there. PFLAG and others… I hope things are working out for you though.
Linda and Millie…I am a mother of 3 children…my daughter (24 years old) came out to my husband and I 2 years ago and told us…last week my youngest son (20 years old)came and told us he is gay. It was not easy when my daughter came to us 2 years ago…lots of prayers and sole searching…and now I find out that my youngest son is too. I have been kinda depressed since he came out last week…but I told him I love him very much and was so proud of him for coming out…he said he fills so much better knowing that we still love him and just want him to be happy…he has seen how we have excepted his sister and love her and a good relationship with her and her friend…so I think it made it easier for him to come to my husband and I. I think I have always known that my daughter was gay…and suspected my son might be too…but thought there was now way I could have 2 gay children…Last week when I was at work (I am a hairstylist) I shared with one of my clients(who has a gay child) that my son came out and told us he was gay…so i have 2 gay children….she turned and looked up and me and said “you and your husband must be very special people…for God to bless you with two gay children…he knows that you and your husband will accept them for who they are and not shun them…how wonderful is that.” After she said that I have decided to look at this in a whole different way….I think she is right…I should feel blessed…they are healthy, and good kids…they have alot of friends…who support them…I am not going to lie…I still have selfish thoughts like…what will people think when they find out I have 2 gay children…But I think in time I will get over that feeling…It has only been a week since he came out…Oh..I have a son that is 22 and he has a girlfriend ( 3 years ) …I love him just as much as my other two…I am so glad I found this site…I find that reading your stories is very helpful in my journey!!!