« Gay Pride Flag
But I’m Not Butch? »

Somebody Please Help Mother Of Lesbian Daughter

I can bearly type this because my heart is broken.  My daughter is 17 years old and for the last year has been in a really great (so I thought) relationship with a boy.  The two of them were amazing, more like best friends then just a boyfriend and girlfriend. People often commented, they have never seen anyone look at anyone with such love and devotion than the way my daughter’s boyfriend looked at her. 

And I would say and she feels the same way about him.  I told my daughter that she was very lucky to have found someone and have such an awesome relationship because it is so rare.  I on the other hand told both of them that they were so young they should enjoy time with friends and do other things rather than constantly being together.
 
Just last month my daughter would want to be with her boyfriend every day and sometimes I would tell her she had to stay in and be with her family, do some studying, or just clean her room.  Her boyfriend would start to snap at her because he wanted to see her.  One week later she said she was breaking up with her boyfriend because she couldn’t handle him getting mad at her. 

I told her that they have been so close that she should just talk it through with him because I knew she would miss him after all they had been through.  I also knew that he would be devastated, because he loved her so much (they would both often say they were going to get married some day). 
 
But she was determined and broke up with her boyfriend.  He called me and I told him that she was upset because he yelled and he said if he knew she would leave he would change.  Just before all this occurred my daughter had me drive a friend home from school one day.  When this friend got out of the car I said “What did you say that boy’s name was”.  My daughter laughted and said that is a girl. 

Right after that I got a message from my daughter’s boyfriend saying she was dating that girl.  I didn’t believe it, how could she go from such an intense loving relationship with a boy and suddenly want to be with this girl.  But my daughter confirmed that she really liked this girl.  It has been about two weeks now and I can’t say how sick this has made me.  I, like other letters I read, feel physically ill and can’t accept it. 

Even though I was OK with my daughter breaking up with her boyfriend, as I said “you both are so young to be so serious”, I find myself trying to get her to go back with him.  She says there is no way she will go back because even though I saw the good side, he had a very negative side that she couldn’t handle, his yelling.  My husband is not happy with my daughter’s choice of sexual orientation but he seems to accept it as that’s who she is.  He is not a support for me because he just says, “You need help”. 
 
I realize I made a mistake in becoming too close to my daughter’s boyfriend.  He was always at our house and I talked to him a lot.  It is so ridiculous of me because I find myself checking out my daughter’s my space page and that of her boyfriend.  It makes me angry to see this girl has replaced my daughter’s boyfriend and in looking at my her boyfriends page I feel so sad because it seems girls have come out of the woodwork and are sending him flirtations notes. 

I feel sad for him because he has been distraught over my daughters decision but it tears me up inside to see him moving on and talking to other girls.  All of this is just because I don’t want my daughter to be gay and in someway don’t think she could possibly  be gay after the relationship she just ended.  She started out saying she thought she was bi but now has moved to saying she is gay. 
 
I think when people are so desperate like me they can do things they don’t normally do.  In my case, it is trying to convince my daughter to get back with her boyfriend and checking their my space.  I don’t want to act this way and I don’t want to feel this way. I read that I will feel better with time but I feel so sick right now. 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 8th, 2008 at 4:43 am and is filed under Letters To Deb. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

60 Responses to “Somebody Please Help Mother Of Lesbian Daughter”

  1. IT IS SICKENING. I ALSO RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT MY DAUGHTER IS SO CALLED “BI” AND WENT THROUGH HER PHONE AND FOUND SHE HAS A GIRLFRIEND THAT TEXTS HER ALL THE TIME. SHE SPENDS HOURS ON THE PHONE WITH HER, AND HAS HER MYSPACE PRIVATE SO I WON’T MEDDLE IN HER BUSINESS. I AM SO SICK TO MY STOMACHE THAT I WANT TO KICK BOTH OF THEIR BUTTS TO THE MOON. SICKENING!!!!! I LOVE HER TO DEATH, MY DAUGHTER, AND I’VE TELL HER EVERYDAY. BUT IT IS JUST WRONG!!!!! THERE IS NO ACCEPTING!!! THIS IS THE REASON THERE ARE SO MANY GAY PEOPLE NOW DAYS. BECAUSE OF PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM THAT IT’S OK AND THAT WE LOVE THEM ANYWAY. THIS IS A MENTAL CONDITION. SHE WASN’T BORN THIS WAY BECAUSE I REMEMBER HOW MUCH SHE LIKED BOYS. SHE STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THESE KIND OF PEOPLE AND THEY HAVE COMPLETELY BRAIN WASHED HER THAT ITS OK BECAUSE OF SAFE SEX, NEVER GETTING PREGNANT, AND GUYS ARE JUST TOO CRUEL. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT AND AM DISGUSTED BY IT. PERIOD!!!

  2. dear George,
    I won’t waste your time trying to explain anything.. Homosexuality isn’t a mental problem.. it’s normal and you born with it.. maybe it’s in the genes? who knows..

    I just wanted to say.. hun, you’re the sick one!

  3. I just found out my son is gay. Even though I prefer he was not, it is not my choice nor my life. I realize the pain he has been living with. I wish I could take his pain away. I do not agree with the lifestyle but is his lifestyle. I can not call it sickening. I can not judge my child. I know how hard it was for him to come out. Yet I see how happy he is. He has a girl that is his best friend. At one time, I thought they would maybe get married. She knew before me he was gay. She told him and she accepted him as a friend, no longer a boyfriend. How can I not accept my son? I gave birth to him and raised him. He is still the great son I love. He is a good person. Nothing really has changed except he can be his true self now. Do not judge your child nor push her away. It is a difficult life they have ahead of them with the prejudices in society. To me, being self-righteous is the sin. Who am I to judge? I am not God. I am a parent who loves her child. We are suppose to love our children unconditionally. That means accepting them no matter what. To do otherwise is not being a true parent.

  4. I am the originator of the letter above “Please help mother of lesbian daughter”. I wanted to follow-up since it was several weeks since my first letter. I still struggle with my daughter being gay but it doesn’t hurt as bad as when I first found out because I realize my daughter is the same sweet girl she always was. I was troubled when I read the response from George because it made me feel worse but Ruby’s letter was encouraging, thanks. It will continue to make me sad that my daughter is gay but the main reason now is because I worry how society will judge this wonderful girl and worry that she could be lonely and not have the family she always wanted. I also feel bad that my struggle to accept this about my daughter has made her depressed too. I never want to hurt her I love her so much. I can only hope that with time it will become easier for all of us.

  5. I have a 27 year old son who is a professional and travels a lot. He is currently living outside the country on an assignment and receives some of his mail at our home. I recently inadvertently opened his credit card statement (we have similar cards) and looked at charges before realizing it was not mine. One charge caught me eye and raised a question. (My younger college age son has occasionally joked that maybe his brother might be gay because he is 27 and doesn’t have a girl friend but we have always brushed it off as due to his occupation making it difficult to sustain a relationship. He has and will continue to travel for long stretches at a time but has many friends both male and female). I did a little investigating and confirmed that the charge that piqued my curiosity was a subscription to a man to man dating service. I would be lying if I said my heart didn’t sink when I realized the implications of my discovery. I shared my discovery with my wife who surprisingly showed remarkably little reaction (a surprise given her often expressed disgust with a cousin we strongly believe to be a married bi-sexual). She simply says she doesn’t really believe it.
    First – I love my son and I do not believe that for the vast majority of people sexual orientation is a choice. It is preprogrammed in their genes. They are no more likely to be able to deny it than I am my appreciation for a beautiful woman. He is what he is and his sexual orientation is only part of what defines him as the intelligent great young man that he is.
    My question – My inclination is to want to have a discussion with my son the next time he is able to be home for a visit and we can share a walk together. I would like to tell him what I discovered and ask him about it. Thoughts, comments, advise?

  6. Dear Roy,

    I am the mother of a 25 year-old gay son. I admire and respect your willingness to accept and embrace your son. You are correct in your belief that sexual orientation is not a “choice”. When my son and I had this discussion he said, If this were a choice,” I would chose to be straight because my life would be so much easier”. When my husband and I discovered our son was gay, we went through an array of emotions. Anger, fear, guilt and finally, acceptance. I love your statement that “he is who he is” and his sexual orientation is only a part of who he is. This is exactly how I feel. Their sexuality defines such a minor part of who they are.
    Roy, I think your idea of going for a walk with him is a great way to open up the door to his soul. I would refrain from revealing what you discovered when you mistakenly opened the bill because it might embarrass him. Just let him know that you you suspect he is gay, and you wish to reassure him that it does not matter to you. That you will love him no matter what. I think the words I said to my son were we love you and we love anyone you love. You will lift a zillion tons of stress of his shoulders! I wish you well. If you ever need to vent, I’m here for you!
    Kind regards,
    Jeanie

  7. My son is 18 years old and two weeks ago he told his Dad and I that he was gay. We are a very close knit family. We have three children and we love them unconditionally. I’ve always had a “special” bond with our son- more so than our other two sons. I wouldn’t change anything about him, not even his sexuality. He is special and very endearing. But we do worry about his safety. We live in the South, in an area known for being “anti-gay”. He is very afraid of talking to anyone outside the family about it. He worries that he will get beat up because he has seen it happen to other gays in his school. We, his parents share this concern as well.

    We are willing to send him to college in another area- hopefully more “gay friendly”. Does anyone have suggestions as to areas that are more “gay friendly” for colleges?

    And yes, this has been hard- mostly because we worry about how hard his life might be. We talk about it openly now- and even joke a bit. :-) Talking really does help get through it. Please let me know on the college thing.

  8. I totally understand how you feel. I also have recently experienced my daughter who was married for 5 yrs and has a beautiful 4yr old daughter, leave her husband for her female co-worker. I am diligently trying to choose my words as to not offend the ones who are in support of this obscene behavior, but I will not now or ever agree it is something you are born with. My daughter and I used to be very close, best friends… this dominating woman who has come in and wrecked this family is more than I can deal with. My heart too is broken, I am so angry… I did not raise my daughter with these ideas that it was ok to be gay…. I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS, I WILL NOT BE MARCHING IN ANY GAY SUPPORT PARADES! As I read the open of this web page and the words from Debbie it just made me even more angry and frustrated. I did a search on a support for “parents of gay children” not a why we should be supportive of this foul twisted behavior that our children have chosen. If I were to live to be 100, I would still not condone this lifestyle. Why can’t it be ok for us as parents to be angry, to be hurt to need to get support of people who can see our side of the scope and realize that we are the victims as are the children of our gay children. My thoughts go strait to my grandaughter who is 4, she is being made to call this woman who now resides with my daughter “the other mother” how dare them!! I worry that as my grandaughter enters school grades she will be treated like a lepor because of her mothers actions, shunned from sleep overs or not understand why parents won’t allow their children to play with her. I worry she could be raised to think that sexuality is a choice and she could be gay her self. So, I truelly understand the hurt of this woman. I pray each night God will fix this, God will open my daughters eyes to realize that what she is doing is wrong for so many reasons. If my feelings anger anyone reading this, my appologies, but this is how I feel. I love my daughter, I love her with all my heart, but the pain and greif I feel because of her choices and lifestyle can’t be erased or made to go away with words like accept it, they were born that way… because my daughter was not, she chose it.

  9. I am living the same nightmare. I just had another conversation with my beatiful daughter who is only interested in dating a women. She was in a five year relationship with a wonderful man…it has been 2 years and I can not give up hope and accept this life for her. She was not born gay. She is surrounded by everyone saying it is OK..I cannot say this. I know she is hurt and wants me to be ok with her decision. I can not. I do not fight or argue with her about this, I just remain silent and pray that she will wake up. there is a wall between us and I don’t know how to get over it.

  10. Michelle from Ohio on April 22nd, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    As I sit here and read these letters…a few I find supportive of their children. Thank you, our children need this. As for the parents that say I love my son or daughter…BUT. And these are big ones…take the time to step back and recognize what that word means. I am the mother of a 17 year old son with whom I have seen stuggle with a drug and alcohol addiction for many years. Why you say…was I a bad parent? No. I knew for years that my son probably was gay, but it took him a long time to come to terms with it himsself. When he finally did get the courage to tell me I hugged him and told him that I love him and I always will. I love my son and in loving him I accept his sexuality and everything else that goes with it. I am his mother and with that comes the most purest form of unconditional love. When you tell your children you love them…love all of them, and that means their sexuality. It truely sickens me to hear people say that being gay or lesbian is “their choice”. Do you really think that your child chose to become something that is so rideculed by society that at times they will actually have to fear for their life??? Come on people…you are the very people that should be standing behind your child. After all if you can’t do that…then how do you expect anyone else to.

  11. Susan,
    If you are still following this Blog, I am the father of a lesbian daughter. She shared this with us 2 and a half years ago. My wife is doing better with this, but has not reached the level of acceptance that I have, which I can honestly say it not a total acceptance for myself either. What I am 100% sure of, is that I love my daughter very much, and unconditionaly. I continue to work at learning, undertanding, and accepting in my daughter, what has been foriegn to me, my entire life. I am not a religous person, but live to be kind and respectful of others, my daughter included. You obviously care very much about your daughter, or you would not be asking for help. I am sure she wants you to be supportive, and loving. Let her know that you are, and that it will take time for you, and that you need her to be patient. We are all human beings, with the same feelings and need for acceptance. It is going to work out. Ask your daughter about “A Day of Silence”
    This may be a good way to begin converastion about what is going on in her life.

  12. I am a gay daugther – and I’m sure glad my parents don’t have the same views as some of the blogs I read above. I’m 26 years old with a college degree, well paying job, many friends, and the best family. Most of all – I am happy. I could “choose” to ignore what makes me happy and be in a marriage with a man. Luckily, may parents aren’t selfish, and are supportive of letting me be who I am rather than feeling sick and sorry for themselves. In today’s world where divorce happens as frequently as it does – and all the cheating and unhappy forced marriages – I consider myself the lucky one.
    To all the parents who are supportive of their children – thank you. My parents are the reason I am who I am today – and I don’t mean gay. I mean a confident, happy, and successful women.

  13. My son is a bright, compassionate, caring individual who was unmercifully bullied from 5th grade for not fitting in. It was not cool to actually participate in school, the Boy Scouts and not play sports. He is 17 now, and recently admitted to me that he is gay (I’m sure that this is another cause for his peers having noticed his being different and treating him accordingly – verbal and then physical harrassment.) My son was honest after I said to him that there is nothing he could say to me that would make me love him any less. When I asked him if he was gay, he said “Yes and I wish I wasn’t. Life would be a lot easier.” My response was that I prayed he wasn’t only because I knew that life would be difficult for him. But I reiterate, I will never love him any less. If you brought children in the world for them to fill your expectations, you shouldn’t have had any. And there are a lot of folks out there that can’t have children. To say the words “sickening” or “disgusting” when referring to your child, show that you are the very definition of sickening and disgusting – oh and selfish, ignorant and sanctimonious. The thought of sexual experimentation for the fun of it is not one I condone, but knowing you are gay from the age of 7 is NOT HAVING A CHOICE. It’s a reality for them and it’s hard enough without support. Would you prefer to see them hanging from a rope in their closet, or overdosing on drugs from the lonliness and despair? Then you could really be the martyr. You don’t deserve these children you refer to as disgusting, and I hope they find someone in their life that will show them the unconditional love their parents, YOU, should have provided.

  14. Michelle from Ohio on April 28th, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    Patti, I could not agree with you more. My son finally told me about a year ago that he was gay. Even after I had asked him a few times over the years,because in my heart I already knew, he would deny it. My story is pretty much the same as yours. I have just recently realized the extent of damage that has been caused to my son by years of not being able to trust someone enough to be able to tell. And I look to GOD above in thanks that my son never felt desperate or lonely enough to take his own life…I could have NEVER lived with the knowlege of that. To the parents on here who are having a hard time I say this…I had to grieve thru the process of knowing that I would not be a grandmother to children from my beautiful son, in the conventional way that is…but please try not to put your children down…they do not need that from the people they should be able to come to and tell anything. As hard as it is they have to know that you stand behind them…their life coud depend on it.

  15. Hi
    my daughter says she is gay. when I first heard of it I heard it from my son I denied it and was very angry with him but I found it is true. Her friend is a 34 year old women who has 4 kids who have been taken away from her. My daughter is 20 . I’m so angry I could spit nails not only because of the situation but because this women who has been married divorced had children
    says she is now my daughters fiancee. I am seeing red as type out this letter. I love my daughter very much and just hate to see her life get so messed up
    Homosexuality is a sin against God. I pray for her everyday. I am not being able to sleep the way I feel towards the other girl is Sin as well. I am on the verge of Hate you just don’t mess with one of my kids. And you sure don’t mess with Gods. Prayer is my only
    weapon.

  16. I just want to say one thing…well, maybe two, or three. I want to make it absolutely clear that homosexuality is not a choice. Those of us that are gay cannot help it. There may be some people out there that fake being gay in their teens for attention, but those are generally the only exception to the rule of choosing to be gay. The only CHOICE homosexuals make is whether or not to come to terms with their own feelings. The only CHOICE is whether or not to act on those feelings. The only CHOICE is whether or not he or she wants to be happy in life. Do you really believe that we would CHOOSE to take the hard road in life: CHOOSE to do things out of the norm, and worst of all CHOOSE to a life of eternal damnation???

    Take it from someone who knows what it is like to have their family finally speak to them for the first time in 8 years. I find myself lucky to fianlly get to see my parents again; I know plenty of people who’s parents still want nothing to do with them, and I see what it does to them emotionally, physically, and mentally. It’s pure torture.

    I, myself am a lesbian, and all of you parents out there who seem to think it’s a choice, I assure you its not. I don’t choose to be attracted to the same sex nor did I choose to have my family shun me for the last 8 years. It has taken me years of emotional torture, trying to date men to make my mother happy (not attracted to men, I can’t help it), and denying the fact that I am a lesbian, for my mother to realize that I’m not just CHOOSING to be gay.

    My mother is a very religious woman, and I would never ask her to accept my lifestyle. I just wanted her to accept me…..her daughter for the last 25 years. I just wanted my mother to love me. I wanted her to love the daughter that used to nag her with “mom, mom, mom” every second of every day when I was 5(well, into my teens too). The daughter that when I scraped my knee and cried, m ymom would bandage it, and there was something about a mothers touch that instantly soothed my pain and stopped my tears. I wanted my mother that gave me vitamn c and hot coccoa when I got sick. I just wanted my mom. I loved my mom. I just wanted her to love me for who I was(and still am).

    From the time I turned 17 till now(I’m 25) there was no love to be found for I was a “sinful homosexual.”
    She prayed for me, she grounded me, she wouldn’t let me have any friends, she made me go to church to “wash” myself of the homosexual sin, she sent me to therapy, and finally she turned her back on me and kicked me out. She had no idea what it did to my heart to have my mother shut me out. I’ve stopped going to therapy now that my mom has finally come around…..8 years later. In those 8 years, I saw myself going in an emotional downword spiral: all becasue my mom wouldn’t accept me and my sinful homosexuality. I never would have CHOOSEN this life for myself, but I still would neer deny who I am or who I love.

    So I guess I’ve said more than one, two, or three things…. so the moral of my long winded story is this:
    PARENTS please don’t turn your back on your kids. If they themselves told you that they are gay, please, please, please don’t give up on them. It will damage them more than you will ever know. I’m not asking you to accept homosexuality; I’m(and your own child) am just asking you to accept your child and love them. Please, love your child for who he or she is, not for what they they do.

  17. I have just found out the my baby is gay. The word sits at the back of my mouth like vomit and i’m afraid if I continue to think about it I will vomit. I read through the previous blogs and found some encouraging words. However what makes me angry is the “accept you child for who she is”. I’m sorry but I can’t do that now. She stole every dream I had for my little girl. I won’t get to see her walk down the aisle on her wedding day to a man that loves her. My arms will remain empty of a beloved grandchild. Yes, I know that selfish but I feel like I am in mourning and in a way I am. Last week I was in such a depression that I attempted suicide. I love my daughter with every single ounce of my being. But I don’t know if I can accept this part of her. Is it possible to love all the other parts of her except that? I believe what God says about homosexuality. One is not “born” that way…it is a learned behavior and she spend the last 10 years playing on a very intense travel softball team. I am so very proud of her. She worked hard and won a full athletic softball scholorship. Her first year she was nominated and won all region catcher of the year. I dearly LOVE this child. I just don’t know if I can accept all part of her. Is this even possible. I know I love her but I don’t have to like or agree with her choice since it would go again my personal beliefs. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ENCOURAGING WORDS WITHOUT CLICHES. I REALLY NEED HELP AS I AM IN A BAD PLACE.

  18. It is unfortunate that a “loving” God makes it so some people are born unlovable.
    It makes me sick that people can “decide” the Bible was wrong about slavery, yet right about homosexuality? There are FAR fewer verses on homosexuality even. And they CHOOSE to use these few verses as a basis of their nonacceptance, hate, and judgment towards their own children! Well, if you want to talk about choices, God gives you a choice too. Why don’t you choose to love your child, even if you can’t accept it. Besides, it’s not up to you to accept it or judge who they are, it’s up to God.

  19. hello to all,

    ok to all you parents out there i am a gay male of 15 and my parents didnt accept me either at first then they cam to relise that this would no change no matter how much praying they did it did hurt alot that my own paents the people that raised me did not accept me and at times i did indeed want to kill myself that not being the case anymore though i think the parents on here that are saying theyr’e child is discusting or something like that well i think your the discusting one if you cant love and or accept your child that yu bore and raised then you are the failure as a parent and another thing i no for a fact you are born with it i was 6 when i walked up to my mom and said i like kissing boys when later she found out i did kiss boys in my age group though it seems innocent she knew i would be gay and how can you say a child the purest thing alive can choose what they are the fact of the mater is they cant so parents that are accepting it thank you you are the best people on earth and for supporting your child your child will love and respact you a lot more

    thank you

    -aaron-

  20. Paula -
    I can’t imagine that all of your unhappiness stems out of the lifestyle that you think your child has “chosen.” Do you have anything positive going on in your life that you are blaming your kid being homosexual as your reason for attempting suicide? Wow – I feel bad for your child. If they are happy – why can’t you? Do you think being upset, sad, angry is going to change their lifestyle? You’re wrong – it’s only going to change your relationship, and not in a good way. Good luck to you, cause it’s you that needs help – not your child.

  21. Paula….Paula….Paula… Please stop and re-think your situation. My wife and I just 2 days ago was told by our daughter that she is gay. As we were packing our pick-up truck preparing to bring her home for her first summer break after freshman year at one of the best colleges in the country. Our daughter was, NO… IS and was the very best daughter any family would be proud to be the parents of. I’m talking Deans List every year all through school so far. Tremendous athlete since kindergarten, Multiple sports, Varcity all four High School years, Dated boys, Never an ounce of trouble growing up. When we noticed a quite gay looking young girl helping us pack up my daughters belongings and heard our daughter say that she was not excited to come home because she would be missing her friends back here at school. I became suspicious. I happen to be a career detective. When we got home my wife and I, decided that we would ask her “THE Question” Now, mind you I was a Homicide Investigator for 11 years alone and a 28 year police veteran. I know how to ask questions and my rule of thumb was to allways try to know the answer to the question before you ask it…. Well, Boy was I Not prepared to hear that answer. My wife immediatly collasped to a sitting position on the floor crying and could not speak. I, THE big tough cop thought that I had just been robbed of the most valuable possession in the entire world. My last daughter. I had previously lost three daughters in a divorce over twenty years ago due to a severe brain washing by my ex spouse, their mother. The answer I got was NOT the answer that I knew that I would get. We cried, we were heart broken. we felt alone, lost and betrayed. LONELY was now my partner. I talked to my self as I sobbed like I my self am surprised at. I’ve seen humanity at it’s worst. I was always and had to be strong for everyone around me, I,ve comforted families that have lost their precious loved ones to violence on the streets, from infants to 90 year olds. I even lost my own father to violent crime. I handled it all. I was a veit nam era vet I was the eldest of nine children I was a strong man. I now felt I could no longer live happy. I lost our baby girl, our last daughter. So we were devastated. I thought of suicide. I finally pulled myself up by my boot straps and came to terms with what we were facing as a family. I was looking for others that had a similar experience. My wife, as always looked to me to decide what to do and how to do it. She could only say that all of her expectations for our daughter was now lost and our dreams of a wedding, grandchildren and the rest of it as you know was just that. an empty dream. Talking to my lonely soul, and our daughter, I came to learn that she had also thought of suicide because she was un happy with her situation. I now know that we can, will and have accepted our daughter because that is the ONLY RIGHT THING TO DO> She deserves our un conditional love, but more importantly, she deserves to live her life in her own chosen lifestyle and the right to her own happiness. We know now that she struggled for years and was living with guilt, shame and all the negative thoughts of a gay existance. We chose to continue to support her and I know I would move the earth to help my daughter. Even though we felt that she only was worrying about herself. We now realize that she needs us more than ever. When we told her last night that we accept her and love her and will continue to support her, She told us that the weight of the world came off of her shoulders. I saw that happen, and by relieving her, we were relieved and feel that we can live in peace and possibly even find a deeper love than we had ever known. Paula. If your daughter really is your baby, you must find it in your soul to accept and love her and in that you will find peace. Please don’t hurt yourself and don’t lose your daughter thru a tragety that is caused by her feeling abondoned by her mother. She NEEDS your love, and you NEED hers. I thought I could not, would not and never would accept. I was wrong and am glad that I was. I chose life and happiness over darkness and dispair. Try to accept this, you can allways give up and go back to being sad and miserable. You are the captian of your own ship. Let her be hers. Peace and Love, Harry

  22. Harry,

    So familiar a story. I too am a Vietnam era vet and have a son and daughter from my ex, who brainwased them. I have remarried and have helped my wife raise her 3 sons and daughter from her ex. All are grown axcept the youngest son. I am bisexual, my wife knows and has no problem, and I told her years ago I think our daughter is gay. She later realized it too, and a year ago when our daughter started seeing a guy she knew for years even her brothers all said “I thought she was gay.” She has since broken up with him. Their father was very abusive to their mom and rejected the 4 of them when that divorce was final. Our daughter told her mom she is having problems because of that. She hasn’t said anything to us about being gay, but we also think she is afraid of being rejected by her brothers. We haven’t asked her if she is yet. I found this site while looking for help in broaching the subject with her. We don’t want to tell her I’m bisexual, which leaves us with the problem of letting her know that we really do understand and love her no matter what.
    Similarities, my ex ignored a court order for visitation to the point I went to court to have it enforced. Somehow, I ended up walking out of court with less visitation time on paper than I went in with. On the rare occasion I happen to see my daughter all I get is hatred, and still have not seen my son in about ten years. I know, I feel and I share your pain over the lost children. I’ve told my wife several times that what my ex did should be considered exactly what it is, child abuse, and she should be held accountable.

    Glenn

  23. All of our stories seem similar and in that maybe we can find comfort. I just found out my son is gay and am devastated for many reasons. First and foremost, I am a catholic and worry about my acceptance in my church (sounds ridiculous doesn’t it). Secondly, I do not understand homosexuality and am not sure I want to. I feel sick, depressed, heartbroken, ashameed, guilty. I haven’t spoke to him about this in about a week, however, I have been talking to him like normal. Being around him sometimes makes it easier because I know he is the same person, but sometimes he seems “gayer” to me and that hurts my heart like you wouldn’t believe. I have always known this in the bottom of my heart and have feared this. I asked him before but finally asked him again hoping to hear one answer and got something that I knew but hearing it didn’t make it easier. I have cried for about 2 weeks now, though not as much. The thought of him with another man makes me physically ill, and I know that is terrible to say. I feel like I am in mourning and now live in a different world. I look at people differently, always wondering (even hoping) that they are gay – kind of a safety in numbers thing. He does not have partner right now and claims he never did, which kind of makes this harder for me – like I have some false hope this may change. I find that I am obsessed with this, it consumes my everything thought day and night. I try to think of it as his life and I wouldn’t want him to life an unhappy life, but I just can’t understand how this makes him happy. I know it could be worse – like your child could be killed in a a car accident, have a fatal disease, drug problem, etc. What I do not understand is that what is consistent is that we ALL say our children are wonderful, caring, exceptional human beings – they just happen to like same sex relationships. Why is this so hard for us to accept.

  24. Dear Sue.
    Because it isn’t the norm, We’ve always heard the negative comments.. I have a worker at my home right now, all he talks about is , Gay this, Gay that, the Lesbians etc. ect. Of course he has no idea that our daughter just recently told us she is gay.. He will never be capable of fathoming what a parent goes thru until and unless it happens in his family. If he knew my situation, he would probably never forgive himself for his insensitive comments. He is also a friend of mine. He sees the man that I am and just assumes that I couldn’t possibly have a gay child. It is actually amusing now.. I really hear the negativity now that I am forced to be a part of that where I am now the parent of a gay child. Life will be so much harder on the kids of today that are gay. On the up side, they will have much better educational backgrounds and family support than we would of had if we told our parents we were gay. I am sure if it were me my father would have thrown me out after he beat me up. He thew me out when I announced that I was getting married … to a woman!! It will get easier as time goes on. Like you said.. It could be worse… much worse… You still have your son. He will not change how much he loves his Mom. Don’t change how much you love him. Hang in there. It’s tough, real tough.. But you will be fine.

  25. I can relate to most of the people in this site. I’ve been going thru the same thing. I pray, I talk to myself and nothing is working for me. I know that time will help me understand my daughter but somethimes I feel that I will always feel this way. There’s days when I am in denial and there’s days when I think I’m ok with her being the way she is. I am really confuse about the whole situation. I don’t want to hurt her so i stay quiet about my own personal struggle. I do love her but it’s true what they say “Love Hurts” I know that some people feel that we as parents are the hipocrites becuse we should love our child unconditionally but it’s hard sometimes. We shouldn’t judge or be judge. Please tell me it will get better????

  26. Just a month ago I found out that my son was gay. And for two years he said he was in love with this girl and they were dating. I never suspected my husband did for years but never told me his feelings. But our son just came out and said it. As I was in the middle of cooking and my daughter had a friend over for the night. It felt like someone just punched me in the stomach. I couldn’t respond and all’s I said was that nice I love you. But then we had to tell my husband. he took it very well. But it felt like the child I knew for 15 years died and another person came to be. I love my son with all that I have. And I don’t have no problem what so ever with him being gay. But the next bomb he dropped just after he came out that he and is in love very distance cousin our in love with one another. Then I fell to the floor. And the he is a 23 year old man. We tried to explain to him that it isn’t right. And then we told him he wouldn’t be able to see him no more. He was so upset we thought he would take his life so we had him over to discuss our concerns. But they love one another and I can’t change that. We called a laywer asking what the laws are and it is legal. So the best thing that any parent could do is be there love them because if we judge who are they going to turn to when society still can’t except that they just like anyone of us but the difference is that it is the same sex. They to have a right to love and be loved. And they shouldn’t have to hide it because society and the church say it is wrong. Come on everyone it is 2008. I’m proud of my son and that will never ever change. It is hard for us but get over it. Because it is going to be harder for them for the rest of there lives. Support your kid’s don’t judge. Because they need there family for support

  27. This is sickening and scary. Reading of all the parents who can’t love their children the same way as before. I myself am a daughter and gay, yet to come out.
    I really hope that my parents won’t react that way. I think I’d die if they did.

  28. I’m 16 years old, a Junior in highschool. I love to sing, I’m an avid reader and writer, and I have many friends at school.

    I’m also lesbian.

    After reading through the original post and many of the subsequent responses, I’ve got to say that I’m a little bit surprised.

    I was raised from the start to be accepting and tolerant of all people, whether they were a different nationality, religious, or gay. Just because somebody is different doesn’t mean that they’re not a fully cognizant, emotional human being. Many people after reading such a diverse splurge of responses said that they felt sick. But I don’t feel sick at all.

    I feel sad.

    I’ll tell you right now, from a child’s standpoint, that coming out is incredibly difficult. In fact, simply acknowledging to myself that I was gay was at least a full year process. Even now I struggle with it, and if I didn’t have my friend’s and parent’s support, I’m not sure where I’d be. As hard as it is for you to cope with, imagine how much MORE difficult it must be for your child to know that his or her parents hate them? I understand that many of you believe that your refusal to accept their sexual preference is an act of love, not hate. But I challenge anyone to tell me how alienating your child is anything but destructive? How can rejecting your own child be an act of love?

    The truth is, you don’t dislike your child being gay because you love them and have their best interests at heart. You hate who they are because you’re afraid. And that’s very sad. It’s very sad that your own inability to cope will lead to the inevitable harm of the child you love so much. I wish I could take away your prejudices and your spite, so that you could see how much damage you’re doing. But I can’t make you understand. I can’t make you be a good parent.

    Only you can do that.

  29. I just found out that my step daughter, 17, is bi. Her father refuses to discuss it saying it is just a phase and she will grow out of it. I know she wont. She is leaning towards lesbianism right now and her mother is openly gay. Her father has visions of walking her down the aisle to her dream man, he may be walking her to her dream woman. I can accept this but he can’t. It really hurts me that he cannot accept this part of his daughter’s life and we cannot talk about it when he is at home. This world can be harsh and if you find someone to love who loves you back, what can be sweeter? To all of you narrow minded overly religous zealots with closed minds, LIGHTEN UP AND ACCEPT YOUR CHILDREN FOR WHO THEY ARE! You loved them at birth and they haven’t changed emotionally since then. They have just come to realize their own definition of sexuality. OOOHHH, I just said the nasty word! LOL

  30. yes again just to clarify amongst all the bullshit.

    PEOPLE DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE GAY.

    YOU CANNOT ‘TURN’ GAY FOR SOMEONE

    ‘GAY’ AND ‘LESBIAN’ ARE NOT THE ONLY TWO SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS – BISEXUALS DO EXIST YOU KNOW

    YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE ‘UN-GAY’

    as much praying as you’re going to do, it’s not going to ungay-ify someone.

    if God did exist, why would he/she/it make people homosexual if he/she/it disapproved of it.

    can you imagine what it must feel like to come out about something like this?

    my mother is a practised catholic, and disowned me when she found out i was bisexual. that was 2 years ago.

    i didnt make myself like girls. i just do. i also like guys, but i happen to like girls more. i dislike the way most guys treat girls and what disregard they have for morality, all they think about is sex and getting drunk and smoking. so, my natural gesture is to find girls more appealing.

    and that’s fine with me. they are so much better kissers than guys as well (Y)

    so all you parents out there who feel sick because the child you birthed out with your genes in it turned out to be gay or bisexual.

    cope with it. deal with it.

    x

  31. As the grandparent, it is killing me to see what this is doing to my daughter. I guess from the old shcool you hid it and pretend but now everything is out in the open. I know it is Pride, also the dreams of walking her down the aisle etc. But life goes on and times change. I don t have the words to comfort my daughter, I keep saying better than a sickness, it could be worst, she is a beautiful girl, smart and good. Now she want s to make it legal and have a wedding. Please let me know if you went thru this and how you handled it. Grandmom

  32. I have three sons. Our youngest came out after high school. It was sort of a surprise but not really. He to also had girlfriends and was even engaged.He stayed here for awhile but moved south for a better life.
    Our son died three years ago.He shouldn’t have died and probably if he were straight hed be alive today. He didn’t have AIDS or any disease.He loved life .
    So for all of you who are strung out because your kid is gay. Be glad you have them alive.There is nothing more painful than losing them .The pain never goes away. Being gay is just one part of them you cant cut out of them.The pain never goes away

  33. I can’t really reply to all of these, there’s so many ideas that deserve so much space, and I’m a little too heart broken to really say them all.
    I’m 18, I’m bi, and IF I end up marrying a girl I will a) still have a white wedding b) have children and c) be just as happy as if the love of my life ends up being a man.
    I grew up in a small suburb- I go to college only thirty minutes away. College is so much more accepting, but really? In elementary school I knew a girl who had two mothers. She was one of the cool kids, she hung out with the Australian girl and (eventually) the Drama kids. People didn’t treat her like a leper. People invited her to parties… I even spent the night at her house once.
    If you’re into novels, oh bloggers, read “Keeping you a Secret” by Julie Ann Peters… or anything by her really. It gives you a different perspective, while not being preachy (as some self-help books may be).
    parents, You’re allowed to be angry and disappointed… but it breaks my heart every time someone says “homosexuality is a sin.” It breaks my heart to know that some where out there, a parent thinks their child is “sickening.” Be angry, but not spiteful. Be angry, but don’t hold onto that pain. The more pain you hold onto, the more you keep. If you don’t come to terms with the sad truth, you’ll continue to hurt.
    I wish, sometimes, that I didn’t like girls. I try to latch onto a good, available guy so that I don’t have to think about liking girls, but denying that part of me made me the most depressed I’ve been in my short life. When I accept things, take attractions as they come (that doesn’t mean I act on them! Promiscuity is the real sin!), when I an more open-minded I am happier.
    What matters most, then? Happiness or walking through life with a closed mind?
    Even if you think it is a sin, why all the hate? God loves ALL his children, God forgives ALL his children- and really- would a Loving God truly require his children to apologize for falling in love?
    I pray to God every time someone calls Homosexuality a sin, and each time a surge rises through my body in the most glorious notion of “You can change this, You can make this world better, You can foster love.”
    Does your feeling of sickness really come from God, or your flesh? How are you certain it’s not the devil spreading Hate when your children’s actions sicken you? Wouldn’t even the devil quote the bible for his own causes, calling love a sin?

  34. I recently wrote a young adult novel entitled, “The Pastor’s Daughter.” Although it is fiction, it covers many of the emotions I went experienced growing up in a Christian family and coming to terms with the fact that I’m gay.
    I believe it can be helpful for parents of gay children to read so they can have a better understanding of what their children may be going through…
    Hope this is helpful.

  35. Angry and upset parents, please try to understand that your son or daughter understands more than you realize of what you’re going through, and probably anticipated it. You have no idea the anguish your son or daughter went through throughout adolescence carrying this burden of feeling WRONG in his or her very nature. Even after acceptance of self, your son or daughter worried constantly about what would happen when you found out. He or she tried to focus on the most positive outcomes, trying to will the situation into being okay. And it wasn’t.

    The thing is, it’s heartbreaking for your son or daughter to see you in this position and feel like they’ve done this to you. You need to TRY to understand your child, because believe me, they’ve tried to understand you. Most children will give their parents many chances, especially if you’ve always been a good parent. Please, please, don’t push them away. Don’t tell them they can’t see their significant other anymore, or even just their friends. Don’t try to take things from them, because they’re broken enough. Your son or daughter loves you enough to give you the time to figure things out. You just have to let them know you WILL figure things out, or at the very least try.

    Who is going to be helped by a parent’s determination that they will NEVER accept their child unless they choose to be unloved for their family’s sake? No one. Your child will be sick, you will be sick. What kind of a binding force is that? Well, it can be a strong one, but it’s miserable. Don’t break your child’s heart, don’t will your heart to break, over this. Your dreams may seem shattered–they aren’t. Don’t tell yourself you can’t accept this. That won’t help anyone–least of all you. Your child may eventually move on if they see you languishing, refusing to be an adult and reexamine your viewpoints. Probably they will keep the door open, praying you’ll come back, but not all of them will. I know I’m praying that my parents come back. It hurts very deeply to know that my children will only know one of their grandparents, and none of their aunts.

    –Catholic lesbian

  36. I’d like to add to the original poster, Susan, that although your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend might have LOOKED picture perfect, and maybe he was really in love with her, only she knows what’s in her heart. You have to trust her. That’s another really heartbreaking aspect of coming out going badly, for children to their parents–after a (short) lifetime of proving yourself to be trustworthy, honest, thoughtful…all of a sudden, your parents don’t trust you, they think you’re acting thoughtlessly, selfishly, impulsively–when in reality you couldn’t possibly have put more thought, more anxiety, more heartache into the decision to come out. Your daughter needs you, but she doesn’t need you to invalidate her identity and emotions and self on the grounds that you’re doing it “out of love”. It might feel that way to you, you might feel as though you’re protecting the daughter you love, but you’re hurting her more deeply than you can imagine.

  37. I am also the parent of a lesbian daughter who is 17 now. I just want to get past the anger and trust issues. I used to be so happy and am not anymore. She has told so many lies,I don’t even trust her anymore. Are there any good books on how to get past the anger and to live a happy life.

  38. Where do I begin. I feel sick beyond words that can even come close to describeing how sick i feel right now reading all these comments from Parents who are supposed to love their children.

    First let me say this. I am a mom of a son age 17.

    It sickens me to now end when I read about parents who have children that were able to come to them, only to be treated like an outcast by the very people who are supposed to love them, the people who gave them life..

    It kills me each and every day that my son stays in the closet. I wish he would tell me.. As a parent who 100% , unconditionally loves every ounce of her child, I would not blink an eye brow when he tells me. How dare you as a parent to your child tear there souls up that way. Is it not bad enough that they will have to live a live of discrimiation and torment from others. But in there homes as well, SHAME ON YOU..

    Do you know read, watch tv, hear stories about how these children feel so helpless and lost that they only way for so many of them to cope is to find a way out of exsistance. Did you know that 98% of gay people wish they were not gat because they feel ashamed or worried about their families looking and treating them like freaks.

    Ehhhhhhhh who taught you what love is all about , that is what i want to know..

    I am dealing each and every day with watching my son struggle, Taking girls to dances, haveing people email him with gay bashing crap. Him struggling with rumors going around school. And mostly with him feeling probably so emabarrased that he just cant find the words to come to me.

    I have seeked advice proffessionally as to how to best help him deal with his difference, and I was told to just let him come to me,.. so in the mean time, i get to know that there are ignorant parents whos children have come to them and they treat them like outcasts. Its horrible to do that to your child..

    Lastly ,, All I can say is keep in mind that the Bible references were written a long long time ago.. when the mind set in those days was as it was written and believed.
    Do we Kill children for misbehaving – or put to death husbands or wives for cheating , as the bible says we should.. Do people who smooke go to hell because according to the bible that is making unholy the body which is to be pure..
    Children in the religous aspect are ALL and I repeat ALL gods children and if they are Gay it is how they were made, NOT HOW THEY CHOSE TO be..

    the Bible is a book.. My god loves all children , good ones, Bad ones, black ones, white ones , gay ones or straight ones.

    Wake up parents, before its god forbid your childen like the young man I saw on tv that jumped off a bridge, because his parents who claimed to love him, made him feel , humiliated and ashamed, and unallowed to be who he was..

    the best thing you can say to a child that comes out is ,
    Yeah? ok… let them know you have no problem with it and still love them, and that you are there for them if they exsperience hardships or acceptance problems from others and want to talk about it. Let them know that NOTHING has changed. They need this from you. they need to know , that you truly do love them uncondionally by the way you handle it when they tell you..

    Im not saying its wrong to discuss your fears with sociciety , we all have them,

    Do i worry comeone might hurt my son, absolutley,
    DO i worry about disease , absolutley
    Do I worry about my son being made to feel like a freak absolutley

    but its ok. to let them know this, becasue its our jobs to worry ,, they just need to know , that we think its ok for them to be who they are,

    PERIOD

    I wish you all the best in your own situations.
    Learn, read , love, that is the best thing you can do ..

    do not go telling everyone either, it is not your place, its your childs….

  39. please forgive all my typos, i get very sloppy with my typeing when i become emotional about children…

  40. Tyler Cathcart on March 12th, 2009 at 3:01 am

    Dear Dee,
    I’m glad you posted that. I’m 15 and i found out i was a lesbian. And when i read what everyone else wrote i felt horrible but when i read what you wrote i was glad you did if you didn’t i would have and yea it wouldn’t have gone over well like debated what other people don’t care about. So thanks for writing it.

  41. Hi

    My best friend/cousin is a gay guy. He went through alot of things growing up in a very religious family. He didn’t come out the closet until he was 30. He had never been with a woman or man until then. He hurt for at least 20 of those years. Holding in a secret that was taboo to talk about.
    I just wanted to say that it hurts me terribly to see so many suffering because of the label people have put upon them. This is only one part of who they are. But still everyone makes it a big deal. They are just like us. I was a fat kid I got teased for that. But I could change that. If they are gay they can not change it. I don’t believe anyone would choose to be gay. They are so many heartaches that go along with it, why would they.
    Open your hearts people. We are all on the same side and love the same God. I know that MY god is loving. He is our father and my father would love me no matter who I am. I love people and I am kind and so it would be for anyone who is Gay. Thank God we are all different or this world would be boring. Stop putting labels on people and things. We all have more in common then not. We can all learn something from each other so lets join hands and walk as one.

  42. I just caught my 14 year old daughter kissing a girl. And it hurts. She said she’s not gay but… people have told me this girls goal is to change every girl in school. She has since moved on to two more girls. But now my daughter is bragging about her relationship with her.
    The counselor that met with her once and is meeting with my husband and I said she thinks of herself as straight but I don’t know.
    Parents who know about this say they see her as (as I break down crying) as straight that its just a phase in the high schools but if she is, learn to accept her.
    I’m hurting so bad right now and am due to go in for cancer surgery and just wish I could die during it. I do love my child but hate her for the hurt shes causing. I wish she’d be honest one way or another.
    Please no negative comments at this time, just advice.
    DC

  43. Dad,

    In the beginning, I believed you-that you would love me unconditionally and everything would be the same, if not better. Instead, so many things have gotten worse ever since my coming out. I can’t talk about my relationships, you don’t treat my girlfriend as you would a boyfriend, you value my education and achievements less because you don’t think I will amount to anything now that you know I am gay. So many things have happened within a year that just blew me away. The parent you were when you came to me and told me you would accept me and the parent you have been since that day and until now are completely different. Where did you go? You want me to try to be straight because I didn’t give guys a “fair chance”, threaten to take me out of school because “I met gay people there”, want me to leave the house on occasion…Then you wonder why I didn’t come out to you until I was 19 years old. I was scared of this, so I just kept my secret inside. It’s just something that eats a person alive if kept in for too long. I have thought about suicide, many times. I’ve thought about rebeling, drugs, alcohol, you name it. All of the things that most people who reach the end of their road look to. But I did not act on any of it, you should know. I remained a faithful, good daughter. I feel as if everything that I continue to do and have done does not matter now because I am gay. What happened to all your loving words in your post? If you truly feel this way, please tell me, act that way, accept me. You have since fixed your relationships with your 3 daughters who are all married with men and have children. These are the 3 daughters who betrayed you, went behind your back for years, talked bad about mom and I, etc. Yet, none of that matters. I understand the love of a parent is stronger than that, but it’s one thing to forgive them, it’s another to show them more love and compassion than you do to me, again, because I am gay. Do you realize that I am and have always been more successful than all of them? They never went to college, they got pregnant in high school, they married losers…I’m going places dad. I would hope you would want to be a part of it. I need your respect because frankly, I don’t feel like you care about what I do. I made Dean’s List again this semester. You’re quick to brag to your friends, but all you tell me is that, “You better make Dean’s List”. I’ve cried so many nights this past year away at home in college. I’m angry with you and mom, I’m angry that you want me to keep my identity from my brother-believe it or not, at nine, most kids have a concept of gay. I have memories of feeling different from younger ages than 9. It will not corrupt him or “turn him gay”, it is a part of life. If you let him think being gay is “bad” how do you expect him to ever love me? You have much to learn about people and the world, despite all you have seen. I’m sorry if you hate me for saying any of what I have said, it’s been locked up inside for so long. Most of all, I have cried because I am sad. I want such a strong relationship with you, one where we can talk freely about my life, one where I can learn more about you, and one where we can all grow together as a family. I feel like an outcast and that I still have to keep my secret hidden. This is why our relationship sucks and we barely talk. I don’t feel like I can talk. Open up your heart and let me in like you said you did. I know you can do it. I love you more than you know.

    Love your daughter,

    Brittany

  44. I need help! My daughter is living a lesbian lifestyle. She has divorced me as her mother. She changed her phone number, so that I can’t call her. She has written me and told me that I am not her mother any more. Her partner has two mothers a step mother and a mother. That is good enough for her she said. She said that they all support her and her partner,that she doesn’t need me. It has been a year and 7 months since we have talked. Before she decided to divorce me as her mother, I was walking on eggshells around them trying to be careful of what I said and did, as to not make them mad at me. I went out of my way to try to please them. I told them both that I am a Christian and I don’t support this lifestyle, but that I love them both and I don’t condemn them.(Jesus came to love not condemn). I saw my daughter in a store, and she just turned her back at me, so I just slowly walked bye. I went to the back of the store and cried.
    My daughter and I were so close all her life until she met her partner. My daughter had also always liked boys and had up till then been very feminine,and very girlie. She was 25 when she met her partner. She was a virgin up till then.
    I have tried sending them cards telling them both I am sorry. I have tried e-mailing them and telling them also.
    My father passed away a year ago, and she didn’t come to the funeral.She didn’t call or send a card, nothing. She loved her papaw, and he loved her. He was the one to tell me to love her no matter what. I don’t know this girl anymore. I don’t get how her heart could of changed to be so cold and cruel.
    I am thinking of just don’t contact her in any way, just wait till she is ready to contact me.

    Any advice out their? We need prayers.

    Thanks!

  45. My story is exactly like yours. My daughter is 15 and I found out April 2009. She has had a boyfriend since 6th grade that she was crazy about. I would say she was in the prep group of girls. Then this past school year she met a girl in one of her classes that is gay. This girl is totally not one that I would even see my daughter really hanging out with. Now I find out that this girl is my daughters girlfriend. It’s not that I can’t accept that my dauther is gay because I have a nephew that is gay and my whole family supports him. It’s the girl that she is now wanting to be with all the time. She is not at all the type that I think my daughter should be with. I sometimes feel like she has my dauther brained washed and that scares me alot. She wants to talk to her all day on the phone on the computer. She is telling me all the time that I have raised her not to be judgemental and here I am being just because the way the girl looks. She dresses in black and black eyeliner all the time. I just don’t know if she is gay or being some how talked into it. I would have never thought in a million years that my daughter was gay.

  46. George! It is not a crime to be gay or your job to judge how “sickening” it is! u are NOT God! You are so shallow and narrow minded, as for a mental illness!! whatever. Do your research! Why people turn gay is for emotional reasons NOT for sexual ones!!!

    I am a 20 year old female who used to be into boys when i was 13-15 yrs old… I got treated like shit by males.. When at the age of 16 I moved out of home to live with my girlfriend. Coming from a Cathloic upbringing this was so very hard for me to tell my Parents that i was gay as also i went to a Girls Only Cathloic school. it came out in a councelling session, as i did councelling to deal with the vast amount of bullying that was happening at high school. Nasty names written everywhere about me, on the back of toilet doors and on my locker!!!
    As a 16year old it was bloody hard to deal with. It was hardest on my dad though. He Even dissowned me as his daughter!!! He didn’t speak to me or say I LOVE you to me for 2YEARS!! i missed my dad so bad, and he just pushed me away. Talk about being crushed by the ones you love!! Its 4 yrs later now and my dad now talks to me and says he loves me again… So for my own truth and to be who i am. I broke my dads heart.

  47. Emma, I comepletely agree with you. Boys/males all they think about is getting drunk and stoned and trying to see who can get laid or score the most girls in a week!!! It is disgusting and all about male ego!!!

    So i like boys kinda, but for that very reason i am way more attracted to girls. and yes girls are way better kissers lol

  48. To all the parents,

    Please read the book “The Rest of the Way” by Enid Jackowitz. Also, see the movie “For the Bible Tells Me So.” These are wonderful resources for parents who are going through the myriad of emotions when discovering their children’s sexuality.

    Also, keep in mind that they will remember everything you say to them; yes, of course you are allowed to feel anger and disappointment and shame. But think about it before you let your kids see this. Because, after all, will it really help? Will it change who they are? Will it help your relationship with them? Just a thought…if you think it’s a choice, try making that choice just for one day and see if you could do it. Recognize the fear and struggle your kids are going through, and how painful it might have been to tell you. Your kids are placing their hearts in your hands; you have more power than you know. Please be careful.

  49. Hi I just found out my daughter she says is bisexual. I think she is a lesbian. I feel like the daughter I knew died and now I have a new one. I want to accept it I want to make it not a big deal. I dont want to hurt her , who am I to hurt her for something that I know she did not choose. But how to stop the pain I feel , How not to show it? How to keep acting normal and not always be careful of what I say or how I react? I understand she needs me to be normal and keep life going as if no big deal. But how do you do that when you feel you are dying inside? Yes I know that is my problem and not hers. THat I have an acceptance issues but they are my issues. Does it mean that because I am a mother my feelings as a human being are not valid? that I must first be a mother and then a human being. Is that even possible? I dont want my life to be a living hell from now on and I dont want hers to be either. But she cant turn off who she is , yes I understand that, but can I change who I am. Are my feelings less important than hers? Who is the victim here? I have heard alot of just accept, keep loving, dont judge, its no big deal after all it just sexual preference etc. etc. But if it where that easy then why does the homosexual, lesbian that is even excepted still struggle with their lifestyle, why is it so hard for them even when they find love, acceptance and happiness. I hear it from alot of them that they still feel sometimes like they let people down, that they hurt people but why would you think you hurt someone if what you are doing is so right, so normal. I dont know ??? I want to just pick up and go on like if nothing happen, I want to tell the judgemental people… so what if you dont like it live with it, I want to look into my daughters eyes and just see my daughter not her sexuality… why cant I do that as hard as I try? Why am I damaged and not her ? why should anyone be damaged? She cant stop being who she is but I have to change myself, make myself different because if I dont I will loose my child but I fear in the process I will loose myself being. I am so confused. I am so hurt, she is so confused, she is so hurt and we look at each other with no answers no solutions just a hard fact that cant be changed. THey say time heals. Time changes, time makes everything better. Thats all I have to hold on to. May my god control my comments, give me wisdom not to hurt my lovely daughter, give me the strenghth not to let this that sounds so simply destroy my old perfect life. It cant , it shouldn’t I should not let it. But will I be successful?, AS she cannot and will not change will I be able to?. I dont now…. Sorry for the rambling, sorry for the negativity, for the ignorance and the lack of courage. May every bodys choice of strength whether it be a god, or a matter of belief help them through this and may we all find peace in this short time we have here . Its so much better when you feel peace.

    Bye

  50. First let me say, IT IS A CHOICE, just like everything else in life. example…do you think people are born to be drs, lawyers, teachers, homeless person, drug addict, sex addict, thief, etc.? They are who they are because of influences. Think about it???
    My 18 year old daughter has made a choice to like girls (we found out about 3 weeks ago). She told us she “thinks” she started liking girls in the 9th grade. My husband and i don’t understand at all. I think it’s all about getting attention! Even though we don’t approve or understand we want her in our life. We have decided and agreed to respect each other. We won’t bother her about it, if she doesn’t throw it in our face. It’s her life and she has to live with herself. I have gone through the same feelings as some of the other parents on here and yes it feels like I have a knife in my heart! I told my daughter I love her dearly, but i am honest with her when I tell her I don’t want her to be like that. I have talked to homosexuals on the subject and it is a hard life. Who wants their child to go through this? I hope no-one! We will support our daughter in everything she does except this one thing! I am sorry if I have offended anyone, but mom’s and dad’s have feeling too. I will continue to pray to help understand things for myself and my daughter. And i will continue to pray for our society.
    To all the parents going throught this, hang in there and keep telling her children how much you love them. Don’t give up on them.
    This is a post I saw on a church sign last week: “GOD MAD FEMALE AND MALE, RESPECT LIFE!”

  51. It has been 3-4 years for me and I am still having sadness about my only daughter/ only child being gay. Guess the disappointment never goes away???

  52. I don’t think the parents should HAVE to adjust and they should not view this situation as THEIR problem.

    Where is the compassion for the parents of gays?

    WHY are we being forced to be tolerant and accepting?

    WHY are we condemned as unloving parents just because we refuse to accept the fact that a son or daughter is gay? When did this become such a one-way street?

    As the parents of a self-declared “bi”, we are saddened and disappointed. Why should WE compromise our beliefs, throw away the hopes and dreams we had for her, just to be politically correct and approved of by society and other parents who DO accept the lifestyle?

    I have read many posts on this site from parents, especially mothers, who just cannot, will not accept the lifestyle. It is clearly tearing them down emotionally, and it’s not right that these parents have to deal with shock and disappointment as is their right, AND THEN be insulted and persecuted by others who don’t agree.

    Every parent has the right to react to their own sadness.

  53. To those who judge the parents of a gay son or daughter, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves! What gives YOU the right to condemn these parents? They had plans and great hopes for their children and they have to deal with finding out their son or daughter is NOT the person they thought them to be. And if you REALLY think that all these kids, especially the girls, stay the same sweet people they were when young, you are WRONG. Not all of them do. I have a daughter who’s told us she’s a bisexual, and this wonderful girl who we thought would be independent and maybe someday settle down with a nice guy and maybe even have a child, has changed into a tough and detached person we don’t even know anymore. She’s selfish and self-serving, will not help us when we need help and now considers friends to be more family because THEY support her lifestyle. And her ‘boyfriend’ supports it just fine because that’s how HE gets his own thrills which is disgusting. So if your own situation has worked out, that’s good for you, but there’s no way that you have right to judge others. Parents who disapprove or refuse to accept their kids’ lifestyle have their own special set of rights to hurt and feel pain and complete disappointment and when you condemn them, you are doing the exact same thing you’re putting THEM down for. Leave them alone and learn about that golden rule thing.

  54. It’s been a roller coaster ride for my family since I last wrote in. I have had horrible thoughts lately and i hate myself for feeling this way. I have tried to find a reason to accept it but I just can’t. As much as I love my daughter…I can hardly look at her. My husband doesn’t like it either but he can hide his feelings better.
    She has changed so much.I found a note in her room that she wrote that says the 3 most important things in her life: Her “girlfriend”, her phone, and shopping. WOW! The only time she talks to us is when she needs money.
    I misspelled something when i wrote this quote in my last reply; so here it is again.
    “GOD MADE MAN AND WOMEN, RESPECT LIFE”

  55. Why do the parents think it’s all about them? “I feel so bad because…” and “I cannot accept…” are bullshit. You are being selfish in the worst way. Unconditional love was what you signed up for when you had children — did you decide that was only if your child isn’t gay? “I’ll love my child if…” Ha! I especially love it when parents have some children who are having babies out of wedlock, and they foot the bill of the forced wedding all with a fake smile on their faces, yet will completely reject another child for being gay? The more selfish you act, the less your child is going to want to be around you. So yes, nancy smith, your daughter doesn’t have you in her list because you are a selfish bitch who could just try to get closer to her daughter in a time of need. If the child is TELLING you they are gay, they are actively trying to include you in their life — why can’t you stop thinking about YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAMS, and start thinking about how you can help them have theirs.

  56. Tonight just changed life forever in my home…I stepped out on my balcony to pick up dishes from “smoking zone only” (I do not smoke, I forbid it inside my home) looked into my 15yo daughter’s room…saw her and her gal friend having sex…I think they knew I saw them because the lamp suddenly went off and the loud music suddenly stopped..

    Can someone please help me, how am I supposed to wrap my brain around this? How will I get what I saw out of my head?
    I am a single parent, her father has never been in her life…she is my only child.
    I feel like the world just crashed and burned. She talks about ‘cute guys at school’…have overheard conversations with her gal friends about how she would love to ‘do him’….and then I witness THAT???
    Now what do I do???

  57. Ok, here is my story. First let me tell you a little about my life. When I was 8 I was sexually abused by a neigbhood boy he was the same age as me. He would threaten me not to tell anyone. It only stopped after one of the mothers found him doing it to another neighoderhood girl. I was so happy when people found out what he was doing but no one thought he did anything to me I was to afraid to say anything. At 9 my parents let one of my brother’s friends move in he sexual abused me that lasted for a year till he moved out. At 10 I became diabetic. At 11 my mother died of cancer. I went to school, cooked, cleaned the house and at 16 went to work to help support the family. All while doing this I help by brother with school because he couldn’t read or write because he was handicap. I got married at 20 had a beautiful baby girl and a son. I had a heart attack at 32, my father died and two years latter my brother died of a massive heart attack. My daughter came out about 3 moths ago. I though I protected her from the sexual abuse of boys but did I shun her away from boys? I know I should accept this but I have had so much pain an hurt in my life I just want it to go away. I have caught her in lies. I cry when her friends and or relatives are getting married and having children. I just cant get over accepting this I just don’t want anymore sorrow or heart ache. I’m I a bad mother because I don’t want to fight about this with my daughter but I don’t think I can handle any more. I feel better not knowing what she is doing who she is with is that bad? She knows I don’t think what she is doing is right. She is now 21 my husband and I pay for her schooling and rent. Money is getting tight and she will have to come home next year and commute from home to school. The problem I am having is I don’t want her to come home. I feel she is 21 why cant she get a job and support herself. Find a place to live if she wants to live with her girlfriend fine. I guess I am awful by saying this I just want to live a life without the hurt or pain. Am I right in feeling this way?

  58. It helps to know I am not the only mom out there with a lesbian daughter that is defiant and proud. My daughter has chosen to have nothing to do with me for 2 yrs & 4 mons. In some ways it has been better that I don’t see her and her mate, because I don’t have to pretend that I think it’s OK. On the other hand I really miss her she is my daughter. I love her. I am staying away from her, because she asked me to. She told me she does not want me in her life.
    All you moms and daughters out there, I am praying for you and your relationships. Please pray for me and mine.
    Thank you, and God Bless You All!

  59. I agree with “Visitor on Nov. 9, 2009.” I love my daughter but I am having a hard time accepting the fact she is gay. We live in an environment where it is not easily accepted. I always wanted her to graduate from college and be able to support herself and be independent. She did graduate, however, she always had to have a boyfriend, and then turned to girlfriends. I feel guilty about not being able to give her as much attention when she was growing up, as I was a single parent. My daughter will be getting “married” and only one family member and a few friends know. It is too difficult to discuss with anyone. I love her, but yes, I am being selfish and wish she was having a tradional wedding where I could go to her shower and wedding and celebrate in happiness. My husband and I have been through a lot these past few years. I would like for someone to support us and our feelings!

  60. My youngest daughter came out recently on the day that she qualified as a doctor. In fact my wife and I knew that her flatmate and she were in a relationship for 5 years -they shared a single bed when she came to stay! Still the official coming out is something different. If you are in a very happy conventional marriage yourself you do tend to think this is the best thing for your children .

    Then there is the grandchildren issue at the end of the day there is a drive for you to gain your own immortality through your descendants why else would people spend their life savings on fertility treatments .

    On the surface we were in her own words ” cool ” about it our words to her were rational and supportive we want her to be happy. It helped that her partner is a very kind and indeed delightful intelligent individual.

    In private between my wife and I there was some grieving and heartbreak for the perceived “loss”.I think my daughter a sensitive child picked up on this even if it is not expressed.

    Then this week we discovered that our eldest daughter had also embarked on a relationship with a woman . This was a bombshell as she had had a number of relationships (including a 4 year long one) with men. Despite our calm reaction to our other daughter this has hit us very hard. If I was to rationalise this then I would say it is the shock element and also at the end of the day this daughter was perhaps now emotionally our one chance for grandchildren.

    I would say that it will take hard work to get through this and we cannot be hypocritical by treating them differently disowning them is never an option but I think parents loss and pain in these situations is not to be belittled.Certainly we have lost sleep over this and again both our daughters will pick up on this.

    Is ones sexuality a choice. Lets say this like most human activities there is a bell curve here at one end would be the few people who would not be attracted to the same sex no matter what and at the other would be the true homesexual and lesbian person who would never consider a heterosexual relationship . Most people lie somewhere along that curve and to that extent are bi-sexual. Certain social situations will move you further to one end or another for instance in prison straight men will have homosexual relations but will insist they are straight upon release. So you can be born with certain tendencies but there is a choice based upon your social surroundings/ influences for most people.Both my daughters have had relationship with men so the position is complex lets say.

    THe religous people writing on here may suffer if their particular brand of religousness condemns homosexuality as this will be an attck on their core beliefs . All that can be said is most religions and certainly Christianity has forgiveness as a prime motivation .

    At the end of the day we love our daughters and they are adults they may not now have the lives we dreamed of for them this is a loss to us we have to grieve for this but we expect to come through it.

Leave a Reply