Somebody Please Help Mother Of Lesbian Daughter
I can bearly type this because my heart is broken. My daughter is 17 years old and for the last year has been in a really great (so I thought) relationship with a boy. The two of them were amazing, more like best friends then just a boyfriend and girlfriend. People often commented, they have never seen anyone look at anyone with such love and devotion than the way my daughter’s boyfriend looked at her.
And I would say and she feels the same way about him. I told my daughter that she was very lucky to have found someone and have such an awesome relationship because it is so rare. I on the other hand told both of them that they were so young they should enjoy time with friends and do other things rather than constantly being together.
Just last month my daughter would want to be with her boyfriend every day and sometimes I would tell her she had to stay in and be with her family, do some studying, or just clean her room. Her boyfriend would start to snap at her because he wanted to see her. One week later she said she was breaking up with her boyfriend because she couldn’t handle him getting mad at her.
I told her that they have been so close that she should just talk it through with him because I knew she would miss him after all they had been through. I also knew that he would be devastated, because he loved her so much (they would both often say they were going to get married some day).
But she was determined and broke up with her boyfriend. He called me and I told him that she was upset because he yelled and he said if he knew she would leave he would change. Just before all this occurred my daughter had me drive a friend home from school one day. When this friend got out of the car I said “What did you say that boy’s name was”. My daughter laughted and said that is a girl.
Right after that I got a message from my daughter’s boyfriend saying she was dating that girl. I didn’t believe it, how could she go from such an intense loving relationship with a boy and suddenly want to be with this girl. But my daughter confirmed that she really liked this girl. It has been about two weeks now and I can’t say how sick this has made me. I, like other letters I read, feel physically ill and can’t accept it.
Even though I was OK with my daughter breaking up with her boyfriend, as I said “you both are so young to be so serious”, I find myself trying to get her to go back with him. She says there is no way she will go back because even though I saw the good side, he had a very negative side that she couldn’t handle, his yelling. My husband is not happy with my daughter’s choice of sexual orientation but he seems to accept it as that’s who she is. He is not a support for me because he just says, “You need help”.
I realize I made a mistake in becoming too close to my daughter’s boyfriend. He was always at our house and I talked to him a lot. It is so ridiculous of me because I find myself checking out my daughter’s my space page and that of her boyfriend. It makes me angry to see this girl has replaced my daughter’s boyfriend and in looking at my her boyfriends page I feel so sad because it seems girls have come out of the woodwork and are sending him flirtations notes.
I feel sad for him because he has been distraught over my daughters decision but it tears me up inside to see him moving on and talking to other girls. All of this is just because I don’t want my daughter to be gay and in someway don’t think she could possibly be gay after the relationship she just ended. She started out saying she thought she was bi but now has moved to saying she is gay.
I think when people are so desperate like me they can do things they don’t normally do. In my case, it is trying to convince my daughter to get back with her boyfriend and checking their my space. I don’t want to act this way and I don’t want to feel this way. I read that I will feel better with time but I feel so sick right now.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
IT IS SICKENING. I ALSO RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT MY DAUGHTER IS SO CALLED “BI” AND WENT THROUGH HER PHONE AND FOUND SHE HAS A GIRLFRIEND THAT TEXTS HER ALL THE TIME. SHE SPENDS HOURS ON THE PHONE WITH HER, AND HAS HER MYSPACE PRIVATE SO I WON’T MEDDLE IN HER BUSINESS. I AM SO SICK TO MY STOMACHE THAT I WANT TO KICK BOTH OF THEIR BUTTS TO THE MOON. SICKENING!!!!! I LOVE HER TO DEATH, MY DAUGHTER, AND I’VE TELL HER EVERYDAY. BUT IT IS JUST WRONG!!!!! THERE IS NO ACCEPTING!!! THIS IS THE REASON THERE ARE SO MANY GAY PEOPLE NOW DAYS. BECAUSE OF PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM THAT IT’S OK AND THAT WE LOVE THEM ANYWAY. THIS IS A MENTAL CONDITION. SHE WASN’T BORN THIS WAY BECAUSE I REMEMBER HOW MUCH SHE LIKED BOYS. SHE STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THESE KIND OF PEOPLE AND THEY HAVE COMPLETELY BRAIN WASHED HER THAT ITS OK BECAUSE OF SAFE SEX, NEVER GETTING PREGNANT, AND GUYS ARE JUST TOO CRUEL. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT AND AM DISGUSTED BY IT. PERIOD!!!
January 28th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
dear George,
I won’t waste your time trying to explain anything.. Homosexuality isn’t a mental problem.. it’s normal and you born with it.. maybe it’s in the genes? who knows..
I just wanted to say.. hun, you’re the sick one!
January 28th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
I just found out my son is gay. Even though I prefer he was not, it is not my choice nor my life. I realize the pain he has been living with. I wish I could take his pain away. I do not agree with the lifestyle but is his lifestyle. I can not call it sickening. I can not judge my child. I know how hard it was for him to come out. Yet I see how happy he is. He has a girl that is his best friend. At one time, I thought they would maybe get married. She knew before me he was gay. She told him and she accepted him as a friend, no longer a boyfriend. How can I not accept my son? I gave birth to him and raised him. He is still the great son I love. He is a good person. Nothing really has changed except he can be his true self now. Do not judge your child nor push her away. It is a difficult life they have ahead of them with the prejudices in society. To me, being self-righteous is the sin. Who am I to judge? I am not God. I am a parent who loves her child. We are suppose to love our children unconditionally. That means accepting them no matter what. To do otherwise is not being a true parent.
February 6th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I am the originator of the letter above “Please help mother of lesbian daughter”. I wanted to follow-up since it was several weeks since my first letter. I still struggle with my daughter being gay but it doesn’t hurt as bad as when I first found out because I realize my daughter is the same sweet girl she always was. I was troubled when I read the response from George because it made me feel worse but Ruby’s letter was encouraging, thanks. It will continue to make me sad that my daughter is gay but the main reason now is because I worry how society will judge this wonderful girl and worry that she could be lonely and not have the family she always wanted. I also feel bad that my struggle to accept this about my daughter has made her depressed too. I never want to hurt her I love her so much. I can only hope that with time it will become easier for all of us.
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I have a 27 year old son who is a professional and travels a lot. He is currently living outside the country on an assignment and receives some of his mail at our home. I recently inadvertently opened his credit card statement (we have similar cards) and looked at charges before realizing it was not mine. One charge caught me eye and raised a question. (My younger college age son has occasionally joked that maybe his brother might be gay because he is 27 and doesn’t have a girl friend but we have always brushed it off as due to his occupation making it difficult to sustain a relationship. He has and will continue to travel for long stretches at a time but has many friends both male and female). I did a little investigating and confirmed that the charge that piqued my curiosity was a subscription to a man to man dating service. I would be lying if I said my heart didn’t sink when I realized the implications of my discovery. I shared my discovery with my wife who surprisingly showed remarkably little reaction (a surprise given her often expressed disgust with a cousin we strongly believe to be a married bi-sexual). She simply says she doesn’t really believe it.
First - I love my son and I do not believe that for the vast majority of people sexual orientation is a choice. It is preprogrammed in their genes. They are no more likely to be able to deny it than I am my appreciation for a beautiful woman. He is what he is and his sexual orientation is only part of what defines him as the intelligent great young man that he is.
My question - My inclination is to want to have a discussion with my son the next time he is able to be home for a visit and we can share a walk together. I would like to tell him what I discovered and ask him about it. Thoughts, comments, advise?
March 15th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Dear Roy,
I am the mother of a 25 year-old gay son. I admire and respect your willingness to accept and embrace your son. You are correct in your belief that sexual orientation is not a “choice”. When my son and I had this discussion he said, If this were a choice,” I would chose to be straight because my life would be so much easier”. When my husband and I discovered our son was gay, we went through an array of emotions. Anger, fear, guilt and finally, acceptance. I love your statement that “he is who he is” and his sexual orientation is only a part of who he is. This is exactly how I feel. Their sexuality defines such a minor part of who they are.
Roy, I think your idea of going for a walk with him is a great way to open up the door to his soul. I would refrain from revealing what you discovered when you mistakenly opened the bill because it might embarrass him. Just let him know that you you suspect he is gay, and you wish to reassure him that it does not matter to you. That you will love him no matter what. I think the words I said to my son were we love you and we love anyone you love. You will lift a zillion tons of stress of his shoulders! I wish you well. If you ever need to vent, I’m here for you!
Kind regards,
Jeanie
March 23rd, 2008 at 4:24 am
My son is 18 years old and two weeks ago he told his Dad and I that he was gay. We are a very close knit family. We have three children and we love them unconditionally. I’ve always had a “special” bond with our son- more so than our other two sons. I wouldn’t change anything about him, not even his sexuality. He is special and very endearing. But we do worry about his safety. We live in the South, in an area known for being “anti-gay”. He is very afraid of talking to anyone outside the family about it. He worries that he will get beat up because he has seen it happen to other gays in his school. We, his parents share this concern as well.
We are willing to send him to college in another area- hopefully more “gay friendly”. Does anyone have suggestions as to areas that are more “gay friendly” for colleges?
And yes, this has been hard- mostly because we worry about how hard his life might be. We talk about it openly now- and even joke a bit.
Talking really does help get through it. Please let me know on the college thing.
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:20 am
I totally understand how you feel. I also have recently experienced my daughter who was married for 5 yrs and has a beautiful 4yr old daughter, leave her husband for her female co-worker. I am diligently trying to choose my words as to not offend the ones who are in support of this obscene behavior, but I will not now or ever agree it is something you are born with. My daughter and I used to be very close, best friends… this dominating woman who has come in and wrecked this family is more than I can deal with. My heart too is broken, I am so angry… I did not raise my daughter with these ideas that it was ok to be gay…. I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS, I WILL NOT BE MARCHING IN ANY GAY SUPPORT PARADES! As I read the open of this web page and the words from Debbie it just made me even more angry and frustrated. I did a search on a support for “parents of gay children” not a why we should be supportive of this foul twisted behavior that our children have chosen. If I were to live to be 100, I would still not condone this lifestyle. Why can’t it be ok for us as parents to be angry, to be hurt to need to get support of people who can see our side of the scope and realize that we are the victims as are the children of our gay children. My thoughts go strait to my grandaughter who is 4, she is being made to call this woman who now resides with my daughter “the other mother” how dare them!! I worry that as my grandaughter enters school grades she will be treated like a lepor because of her mothers actions, shunned from sleep overs or not understand why parents won’t allow their children to play with her. I worry she could be raised to think that sexuality is a choice and she could be gay her self. So, I truelly understand the hurt of this woman. I pray each night God will fix this, God will open my daughters eyes to realize that what she is doing is wrong for so many reasons. If my feelings anger anyone reading this, my appologies, but this is how I feel. I love my daughter, I love her with all my heart, but the pain and greif I feel because of her choices and lifestyle can’t be erased or made to go away with words like accept it, they were born that way… because my daughter was not, she chose it.
April 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I am living the same nightmare. I just had another conversation with my beatiful daughter who is only interested in dating a women. She was in a five year relationship with a wonderful man…it has been 2 years and I can not give up hope and accept this life for her. She was not born gay. She is surrounded by everyone saying it is OK..I cannot say this. I know she is hurt and wants me to be ok with her decision. I can not. I do not fight or argue with her about this, I just remain silent and pray that she will wake up. there is a wall between us and I don’t know how to get over it.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:29 pm
As I sit here and read these letters…a few I find supportive of their children. Thank you, our children need this. As for the parents that say I love my son or daughter…BUT. And these are big ones…take the time to step back and recognize what that word means. I am the mother of a 17 year old son with whom I have seen stuggle with a drug and alcohol addiction for many years. Why you say…was I a bad parent? No. I knew for years that my son probably was gay, but it took him a long time to come to terms with it himsself. When he finally did get the courage to tell me I hugged him and told him that I love him and I always will. I love my son and in loving him I accept his sexuality and everything else that goes with it. I am his mother and with that comes the most purest form of unconditional love. When you tell your children you love them…love all of them, and that means their sexuality. It truely sickens me to hear people say that being gay or lesbian is “their choice”. Do you really think that your child chose to become something that is so rideculed by society that at times they will actually have to fear for their life??? Come on people…you are the very people that should be standing behind your child. After all if you can’t do that…then how do you expect anyone else to.
April 25th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Susan,
If you are still following this Blog, I am the father of a lesbian daughter. She shared this with us 2 and a half years ago. My wife is doing better with this, but has not reached the level of acceptance that I have, which I can honestly say it not a total acceptance for myself either. What I am 100% sure of, is that I love my daughter very much, and unconditionaly. I continue to work at learning, undertanding, and accepting in my daughter, what has been foriegn to me, my entire life. I am not a religous person, but live to be kind and respectful of others, my daughter included. You obviously care very much about your daughter, or you would not be asking for help. I am sure she wants you to be supportive, and loving. Let her know that you are, and that it will take time for you, and that you need her to be patient. We are all human beings, with the same feelings and need for acceptance. It is going to work out. Ask your daughter about “A Day of Silence”
This may be a good way to begin converastion about what is going on in her life.
April 25th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I am a gay daugther - and I’m sure glad my parents don’t have the same views as some of the blogs I read above. I’m 26 years old with a college degree, well paying job, many friends, and the best family. Most of all - I am happy. I could “choose” to ignore what makes me happy and be in a marriage with a man. Luckily, may parents aren’t selfish, and are supportive of letting me be who I am rather than feeling sick and sorry for themselves. In today’s world where divorce happens as frequently as it does - and all the cheating and unhappy forced marriages - I consider myself the lucky one.
To all the parents who are supportive of their children - thank you. My parents are the reason I am who I am today - and I don’t mean gay. I mean a confident, happy, and successful women.
April 27th, 2008 at 2:27 am
My son is a bright, compassionate, caring individual who was unmercifully bullied from 5th grade for not fitting in. It was not cool to actually participate in school, the Boy Scouts and not play sports. He is 17 now, and recently admitted to me that he is gay (I’m sure that this is another cause for his peers having noticed his being different and treating him accordingly - verbal and then physical harrassment.) My son was honest after I said to him that there is nothing he could say to me that would make me love him any less. When I asked him if he was gay, he said “Yes and I wish I wasn’t. Life would be a lot easier.” My response was that I prayed he wasn’t only because I knew that life would be difficult for him. But I reiterate, I will never love him any less. If you brought children in the world for them to fill your expectations, you shouldn’t have had any. And there are a lot of folks out there that can’t have children. To say the words “sickening” or “disgusting” when referring to your child, show that you are the very definition of sickening and disgusting - oh and selfish, ignorant and sanctimonious. The thought of sexual experimentation for the fun of it is not one I condone, but knowing you are gay from the age of 7 is NOT HAVING A CHOICE. It’s a reality for them and it’s hard enough without support. Would you prefer to see them hanging from a rope in their closet, or overdosing on drugs from the lonliness and despair? Then you could really be the martyr. You don’t deserve these children you refer to as disgusting, and I hope they find someone in their life that will show them the unconditional love their parents, YOU, should have provided.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Patti, I could not agree with you more. My son finally told me about a year ago that he was gay. Even after I had asked him a few times over the years,because in my heart I already knew, he would deny it. My story is pretty much the same as yours. I have just recently realized the extent of damage that has been caused to my son by years of not being able to trust someone enough to be able to tell. And I look to GOD above in thanks that my son never felt desperate or lonely enough to take his own life…I could have NEVER lived with the knowlege of that. To the parents on here who are having a hard time I say this…I had to grieve thru the process of knowing that I would not be a grandmother to children from my beautiful son, in the conventional way that is…but please try not to put your children down…they do not need that from the people they should be able to come to and tell anything. As hard as it is they have to know that you stand behind them…their life coud depend on it.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Hi
my daughter says she is gay. when I first heard of it I heard it from my son I denied it and was very angry with him but I found it is true. Her friend is a 34 year old women who has 4 kids who have been taken away from her. My daughter is 20 . I’m so angry I could spit nails not only because of the situation but because this women who has been married divorced had children
says she is now my daughters fiancee. I am seeing red as type out this letter. I love my daughter very much and just hate to see her life get so messed up
Homosexuality is a sin against God. I pray for her everyday. I am not being able to sleep the way I feel towards the other girl is Sin as well. I am on the verge of Hate you just don’t mess with one of my kids. And you sure don’t mess with Gods. Prayer is my only
weapon.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:17 am
I just want to say one thing…well, maybe two, or three. I want to make it absolutely clear that homosexuality is not a choice. Those of us that are gay cannot help it. There may be some people out there that fake being gay in their teens for attention, but those are generally the only exception to the rule of choosing to be gay. The only CHOICE homosexuals make is whether or not to come to terms with their own feelings. The only CHOICE is whether or not to act on those feelings. The only CHOICE is whether or not he or she wants to be happy in life. Do you really believe that we would CHOOSE to take the hard road in life: CHOOSE to do things out of the norm, and worst of all CHOOSE to a life of eternal damnation???
Take it from someone who knows what it is like to have their family finally speak to them for the first time in 8 years. I find myself lucky to fianlly get to see my parents again; I know plenty of people who’s parents still want nothing to do with them, and I see what it does to them emotionally, physically, and mentally. It’s pure torture.
I, myself am a lesbian, and all of you parents out there who seem to think it’s a choice, I assure you its not. I don’t choose to be attracted to the same sex nor did I choose to have my family shun me for the last 8 years. It has taken me years of emotional torture, trying to date men to make my mother happy (not attracted to men, I can’t help it), and denying the fact that I am a lesbian, for my mother to realize that I’m not just CHOOSING to be gay.
My mother is a very religious woman, and I would never ask her to accept my lifestyle. I just wanted her to accept me…..her daughter for the last 25 years. I just wanted my mother to love me. I wanted her to love the daughter that used to nag her with “mom, mom, mom” every second of every day when I was 5(well, into my teens too). The daughter that when I scraped my knee and cried, m ymom would bandage it, and there was something about a mothers touch that instantly soothed my pain and stopped my tears. I wanted my mother that gave me vitamn c and hot coccoa when I got sick. I just wanted my mom. I loved my mom. I just wanted her to love me for who I was(and still am).
From the time I turned 17 till now(I’m 25) there was no love to be found for I was a “sinful homosexual.”
She prayed for me, she grounded me, she wouldn’t let me have any friends, she made me go to church to “wash” myself of the homosexual sin, she sent me to therapy, and finally she turned her back on me and kicked me out. She had no idea what it did to my heart to have my mother shut me out. I’ve stopped going to therapy now that my mom has finally come around…..8 years later. In those 8 years, I saw myself going in an emotional downword spiral: all becasue my mom wouldn’t accept me and my sinful homosexuality. I never would have CHOOSEN this life for myself, but I still would neer deny who I am or who I love.
So I guess I’ve said more than one, two, or three things…. so the moral of my long winded story is this:
PARENTS please don’t turn your back on your kids. If they themselves told you that they are gay, please, please, please don’t give up on them. It will damage them more than you will ever know. I’m not asking you to accept homosexuality; I’m(and your own child) am just asking you to accept your child and love them. Please, love your child for who he or she is, not for what they they do.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:21 am
I have just found out the my baby is gay. The word sits at the back of my mouth like vomit and i’m afraid if I continue to think about it I will vomit. I read through the previous blogs and found some encouraging words. However what makes me angry is the “accept you child for who she is”. I’m sorry but I can’t do that now. She stole every dream I had for my little girl. I won’t get to see her walk down the aisle on her wedding day to a man that loves her. My arms will remain empty of a beloved grandchild. Yes, I know that selfish but I feel like I am in mourning and in a way I am. Last week I was in such a depression that I attempted suicide. I love my daughter with every single ounce of my being. But I don’t know if I can accept this part of her. Is it possible to love all the other parts of her except that? I believe what God says about homosexuality. One is not “born” that way…it is a learned behavior and she spend the last 10 years playing on a very intense travel softball team. I am so very proud of her. She worked hard and won a full athletic softball scholorship. Her first year she was nominated and won all region catcher of the year. I dearly LOVE this child. I just don’t know if I can accept all part of her. Is this even possible. I know I love her but I don’t have to like or agree with her choice since it would go again my personal beliefs. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ENCOURAGING WORDS WITHOUT CLICHES. I REALLY NEED HELP AS I AM IN A BAD PLACE.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
It is unfortunate that a “loving” God makes it so some people are born unlovable.
It makes me sick that people can “decide” the Bible was wrong about slavery, yet right about homosexuality? There are FAR fewer verses on homosexuality even. And they CHOOSE to use these few verses as a basis of their nonacceptance, hate, and judgment towards their own children! Well, if you want to talk about choices, God gives you a choice too. Why don’t you choose to love your child, even if you can’t accept it. Besides, it’s not up to you to accept it or judge who they are, it’s up to God.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:13 am
hello to all,
ok to all you parents out there i am a gay male of 15 and my parents didnt accept me either at first then they cam to relise that this would no change no matter how much praying they did it did hurt alot that my own paents the people that raised me did not accept me and at times i did indeed want to kill myself that not being the case anymore though i think the parents on here that are saying theyr’e child is discusting or something like that well i think your the discusting one if you cant love and or accept your child that yu bore and raised then you are the failure as a parent and another thing i no for a fact you are born with it i was 6 when i walked up to my mom and said i like kissing boys when later she found out i did kiss boys in my age group though it seems innocent she knew i would be gay and how can you say a child the purest thing alive can choose what they are the fact of the mater is they cant so parents that are accepting it thank you you are the best people on earth and for supporting your child your child will love and respact you a lot more
thank you
-aaron-
May 9th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Paula -
I can’t imagine that all of your unhappiness stems out of the lifestyle that you think your child has “chosen.” Do you have anything positive going on in your life that you are blaming your kid being homosexual as your reason for attempting suicide? Wow - I feel bad for your child. If they are happy - why can’t you? Do you think being upset, sad, angry is going to change their lifestyle? You’re wrong - it’s only going to change your relationship, and not in a good way. Good luck to you, cause it’s you that needs help - not your child.
May 13th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Paula….Paula….Paula… Please stop and re-think your situation. My wife and I just 2 days ago was told by our daughter that she is gay. As we were packing our pick-up truck preparing to bring her home for her first summer break after freshman year at one of the best colleges in the country. Our daughter was, NO… IS and was the very best daughter any family would be proud to be the parents of. I’m talking Deans List every year all through school so far. Tremendous athlete since kindergarten, Multiple sports, Varcity all four High School years, Dated boys, Never an ounce of trouble growing up. When we noticed a quite gay looking young girl helping us pack up my daughters belongings and heard our daughter say that she was not excited to come home because she would be missing her friends back here at school. I became suspicious. I happen to be a career detective. When we got home my wife and I, decided that we would ask her “THE Question” Now, mind you I was a Homicide Investigator for 11 years alone and a 28 year police veteran. I know how to ask questions and my rule of thumb was to allways try to know the answer to the question before you ask it…. Well, Boy was I Not prepared to hear that answer. My wife immediatly collasped to a sitting position on the floor crying and could not speak. I, THE big tough cop thought that I had just been robbed of the most valuable possession in the entire world. My last daughter. I had previously lost three daughters in a divorce over twenty years ago due to a severe brain washing by my ex spouse, their mother. The answer I got was NOT the answer that I knew that I would get. We cried, we were heart broken. we felt alone, lost and betrayed. LONELY was now my partner. I talked to my self as I sobbed like I my self am surprised at. I’ve seen humanity at it’s worst. I was always and had to be strong for everyone around me, I,ve comforted families that have lost their precious loved ones to violence on the streets, from infants to 90 year olds. I even lost my own father to violent crime. I handled it all. I was a veit nam era vet I was the eldest of nine children I was a strong man. I now felt I could no longer live happy. I lost our baby girl, our last daughter. So we were devastated. I thought of suicide. I finally pulled myself up by my boot straps and came to terms with what we were facing as a family. I was looking for others that had a similar experience. My wife, as always looked to me to decide what to do and how to do it. She could only say that all of her expectations for our daughter was now lost and our dreams of a wedding, grandchildren and the rest of it as you know was just that. an empty dream. Talking to my lonely soul, and our daughter, I came to learn that she had also thought of suicide because she was un happy with her situation. I now know that we can, will and have accepted our daughter because that is the ONLY RIGHT THING TO DO> She deserves our un conditional love, but more importantly, she deserves to live her life in her own chosen lifestyle and the right to her own happiness. We know now that she struggled for years and was living with guilt, shame and all the negative thoughts of a gay existance. We chose to continue to support her and I know I would move the earth to help my daughter. Even though we felt that she only was worrying about herself. We now realize that she needs us more than ever. When we told her last night that we accept her and love her and will continue to support her, She told us that the weight of the world came off of her shoulders. I saw that happen, and by relieving her, we were relieved and feel that we can live in peace and possibly even find a deeper love than we had ever known. Paula. If your daughter really is your baby, you must find it in your soul to accept and love her and in that you will find peace. Please don’t hurt yourself and don’t lose your daughter thru a tragety that is caused by her feeling abondoned by her mother. She NEEDS your love, and you NEED hers. I thought I could not, would not and never would accept. I was wrong and am glad that I was. I chose life and happiness over darkness and dispair. Try to accept this, you can allways give up and go back to being sad and miserable. You are the captian of your own ship. Let her be hers. Peace and Love, Harry
May 18th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Harry,
So familiar a story. I too am a Vietnam era vet and have a son and daughter from my ex, who brainwased them. I have remarried and have helped my wife raise her 3 sons and daughter from her ex. All are grown axcept the youngest son. I am bisexual, my wife knows and has no problem, and I told her years ago I think our daughter is gay. She later realized it too, and a year ago when our daughter started seeing a guy she knew for years even her brothers all said “I thought she was gay.” She has since broken up with him. Their father was very abusive to their mom and rejected the 4 of them when that divorce was final. Our daughter told her mom she is having problems because of that. She hasn’t said anything to us about being gay, but we also think she is afraid of being rejected by her brothers. We haven’t asked her if she is yet. I found this site while looking for help in broaching the subject with her. We don’t want to tell her I’m bisexual, which leaves us with the problem of letting her know that we really do understand and love her no matter what.
Similarities, my ex ignored a court order for visitation to the point I went to court to have it enforced. Somehow, I ended up walking out of court with less visitation time on paper than I went in with. On the rare occasion I happen to see my daughter all I get is hatred, and still have not seen my son in about ten years. I know, I feel and I share your pain over the lost children. I’ve told my wife several times that what my ex did should be considered exactly what it is, child abuse, and she should be held accountable.
Glenn
May 21st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
All of our stories seem similar and in that maybe we can find comfort. I just found out my son is gay and am devastated for many reasons. First and foremost, I am a catholic and worry about my acceptance in my church (sounds ridiculous doesn’t it). Secondly, I do not understand homosexuality and am not sure I want to. I feel sick, depressed, heartbroken, ashameed, guilty. I haven’t spoke to him about this in about a week, however, I have been talking to him like normal. Being around him sometimes makes it easier because I know he is the same person, but sometimes he seems “gayer” to me and that hurts my heart like you wouldn’t believe. I have always known this in the bottom of my heart and have feared this. I asked him before but finally asked him again hoping to hear one answer and got something that I knew but hearing it didn’t make it easier. I have cried for about 2 weeks now, though not as much. The thought of him with another man makes me physically ill, and I know that is terrible to say. I feel like I am in mourning and now live in a different world. I look at people differently, always wondering (even hoping) that they are gay - kind of a safety in numbers thing. He does not have partner right now and claims he never did, which kind of makes this harder for me - like I have some false hope this may change. I find that I am obsessed with this, it consumes my everything thought day and night. I try to think of it as his life and I wouldn’t want him to life an unhappy life, but I just can’t understand how this makes him happy. I know it could be worse - like your child could be killed in a a car accident, have a fatal disease, drug problem, etc. What I do not understand is that what is consistent is that we ALL say our children are wonderful, caring, exceptional human beings - they just happen to like same sex relationships. Why is this so hard for us to accept.
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Dear Sue.
Because it isn’t the norm, We’ve always heard the negative comments.. I have a worker at my home right now, all he talks about is , Gay this, Gay that, the Lesbians etc. ect. Of course he has no idea that our daughter just recently told us she is gay.. He will never be capable of fathoming what a parent goes thru until and unless it happens in his family. If he knew my situation, he would probably never forgive himself for his insensitive comments. He is also a friend of mine. He sees the man that I am and just assumes that I couldn’t possibly have a gay child. It is actually amusing now.. I really hear the negativity now that I am forced to be a part of that where I am now the parent of a gay child. Life will be so much harder on the kids of today that are gay. On the up side, they will have much better educational backgrounds and family support than we would of had if we told our parents we were gay. I am sure if it were me my father would have thrown me out after he beat me up. He thew me out when I announced that I was getting married … to a woman!! It will get easier as time goes on. Like you said.. It could be worse… much worse… You still have your son. He will not change how much he loves his Mom. Don’t change how much you love him. Hang in there. It’s tough, real tough.. But you will be fine.
May 29th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
I can relate to most of the people in this site. I’ve been going thru the same thing. I pray, I talk to myself and nothing is working for me. I know that time will help me understand my daughter but somethimes I feel that I will always feel this way. There’s days when I am in denial and there’s days when I think I’m ok with her being the way she is. I am really confuse about the whole situation. I don’t want to hurt her so i stay quiet about my own personal struggle. I do love her but it’s true what they say “Love Hurts” I know that some people feel that we as parents are the hipocrites becuse we should love our child unconditionally but it’s hard sometimes. We shouldn’t judge or be judge. Please tell me it will get better????
June 20th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Just a month ago I found out that my son was gay. And for two years he said he was in love with this girl and they were dating. I never suspected my husband did for years but never told me his feelings. But our son just came out and said it. As I was in the middle of cooking and my daughter had a friend over for the night. It felt like someone just punched me in the stomach. I couldn’t respond and all’s I said was that nice I love you. But then we had to tell my husband. he took it very well. But it felt like the child I knew for 15 years died and another person came to be. I love my son with all that I have. And I don’t have no problem what so ever with him being gay. But the next bomb he dropped just after he came out that he and is in love very distance cousin our in love with one another. Then I fell to the floor. And the he is a 23 year old man. We tried to explain to him that it isn’t right. And then we told him he wouldn’t be able to see him no more. He was so upset we thought he would take his life so we had him over to discuss our concerns. But they love one another and I can’t change that. We called a laywer asking what the laws are and it is legal. So the best thing that any parent could do is be there love them because if we judge who are they going to turn to when society still can’t except that they just like anyone of us but the difference is that it is the same sex. They to have a right to love and be loved. And they shouldn’t have to hide it because society and the church say it is wrong. Come on everyone it is 2008. I’m proud of my son and that will never ever change. It is hard for us but get over it. Because it is going to be harder for them for the rest of there lives. Support your kid’s don’t judge. Because they need there family for support
June 29th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
This is sickening and scary. Reading of all the parents who can’t love their children the same way as before. I myself am a daughter and gay, yet to come out.
I really hope that my parents won’t react that way. I think I’d die if they did.