Comments on: Should A Lesbian Choose Her Family Over Her Partner?

By: MAC

MAC — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 05:12:41 +0000

My story is very very similar to rachs except i havnt moved in yet but here goes.
I came out 3 times actualy…once when i was 13 then in november of 2009 and now most recently in march of 2010.See i pretty much grew up in a very traditional italian family….it sucks let me tell you especially when your pretty much like the rebal of the family.always did what they didnt approve of.my mother got married at 16 got pregnant and had me at 17…im 17 years old now my parents have been divorced for a little over 11 years now.I have an amazing girlfriend who is 21 and is in the u.s army unfortinetly she is off to deploy in may and wont be back till next year(march).I have been with her for almost 4 months i truly truly do love her to death.Luckily i will be 18 next year so i’ll be legal problem is im a huge family person i love love love my family but…the way they have reacted and the things they have said have hurt me so much!usualy family is suppose to be there for you but i realised how easly my family was to turn there back on me.Like i said my storys pretty similiar to rach as my mother said they exact same things as her mother im actualy seeing a pysciatrist right now because my mother wants me to be a “normal” woman.My father in the other hand lives in italy with my other family there and well suprisingly they were more supportive dont get me wrong im sure they have there own opinions being from a small italian town but they were calm.Right now i am preparing to attend beauty school since my mother has taken me out of highschool.She is currently making me going to prom with an ex boyfriend of mine who i have no intrest in what so ever infact i think i want to punch him a couple of times in the face.My girlfriend lives in pennsylvania while i live in new york….i too took sum secret trips to see her do i regret them hell no!next year i am planning on moving with her when she gets back from afghan.im excited but at the same time completely scared im just so confused and i have no idea what to do.especially since i have exactly no one to talk to except for her but i dont want to worry her with my crap and her leaving to fight in this damn war scares the crap out of me i love her to death and shes my everything i dont want her getting hurt or worst i’d die right there with her.i guess what im saying is i just need a friend thats all im sure we all do really haha so feel free to talk to me i’ll try my best to give as much advice as i possibly can

By: Linda

Linda — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 04:46:46 +0000

My heart goes to all who are facing the fears related to family loss because of exploring or being gay. I can especially connect to those who are facing the coming out process.

Four years ago my daughter “came out”. She was in her late twenties. She had not considered that she was a lesbian until about six months before. Her process was not easy for her. She seemed very scared, sad and angry. Her father, siblings and I have also had to go through our own “coming out” process. We were completely shocked by her declaration and seeming abandonment of so many values she previously held. We could not imaging how family dynamics would be with another daughter-in-law instead of a son-in-law. Nevertheless we held firm that we loved her and wanted her and her partner in our lives. I knew that there would be many hurdles because dynamics would be different, but I was committed to letting love prevail as we slowly worked through each new situation.

A year ago my daughter married a woman who had been “out” for 10 years. She has had no patience with our “coming out” process. Within weeks of first meeting the woman I was told she was not comfortable in our home because we were still working on acceptance of the new life our daughter was in. My response was to keep loving the woman in the ways I knew. I was hurt unbelieavably when I was told they had married without us knowing it was happening. I have wanted so much to love this wife of my daughter but she has vengence against me for not being perfectly comfortable with the new life from the very beginning. She has asked me questions and when I have not answered with the responses she believes I should she goes on verbal attack. She has convinced my daughter that our family, and especially me, is bigotted. She refuses to visit our family so my daughter joins her in refusing to visit. Our daughter is also kept from having phone contact more than once or twice a month.

The point of all this is to say that when the gay person comes out the family also has to go through a process. It is very difficult for many gay people to process their coming out. Although it is different for the family, they too have a process to go through. PFLAG (Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) points out that everyone has a process. THe pace at which one goes through it can be different for each person.

My recommendation for parents of gays is to remember that your child is likely facing a lot of challenges as they forge through this territory. Be loving. Don’t abandon. Love your child unconditionally to the best of your ability. Be there for them. Know that they are likely struggling too. If nothing else they likely fear that you will not love and admire them any longer.
For you gay children. Know that your parents process of “coming out”, acceptance and appropriate responces will take time. This process is difficult for them. Trust in their love, continue to respect them. Keep contact. Try to be with them in the ways you always have. Be careful to not ridicule them. Give them time to grow in acceptance and realize you are still the same child you always were. Continues to be the best person you can be.

For both parents and children, don’t blame being gay for every issue that comes up in your relationship. All important relationships go through difficult times. Keep on working on it. Anything worth having is worth working on when the problems come.

Give the process of “coming out” time and plenty of love.
Linda

By: nancy smith

nancy smith — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:35:41 +0000

Dear Linda- I am struggling for answers about my only daughter. She is 19 and recently decided to change her life style(we found out just a little over a month ago, but it started in July). Her dad and I just don’t understand anything about it even though I have my niece and my husband’s brother (now deceased) are gay and it never bothered us. To be honest, would prefer her not to be gay.
Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE MY DAUGHTER more than life ifself and will never stop loving her no matter what. The big problem started when I ask my daughter to remove post that her friend made about their relationship on-line, but she did not remove it. I sent the friend a message to have her parents give us a call us so we can talk about her relationship with my daughter, but she said her parents wouldn’t want to talk to us because we are harrassing her and won’t give her a chance???The friend said my daughter shouldn’t have to hide who she is…This was the first time I have ever had contact with the girl and we never talk about her to my daughter, so I don’t know why she would consider me asking to talk to her parents as harrassment. She said her family will support her in anything she does and loves her unconditionally, but I know she hasn’t told them yet. We are very honest with our daughter and told her we don’t understand and she said she understood our feelings so we made an agreement with our daughter that we will respect her feelings if she respects ours. We told her we just needed time to deal with the shock. I feel like the friend is doing things just to upset us. We are not keeping her from seeing the girl, we are just not ready to be around it yet. I feel like we have met her half way and we are trying. What suggestions do you have for us?
- for anyone reading this, before you come out, try a relationship with the opposite sex and make sure that is what you truely want. It could make a big difference in your life.

By: Linda

Linda — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:25:27 +0000

Hi stacey, after reading about the situation you are in, i am in similar myself, i am 44 years old, and i have been gay for 20 years, i am in a relationship now my girlfriend is 33, we are due to get married/civil partnership in november, now my mother hasn’t really accepted me being gay, my father died but my stepfather doesn’t really say very much at all, my mum says she is ashamed of me, she would rather i was marrying a man and having children as she could have grandchildren, she says she won’t be there on our big day as she doesn’t want to be associated with those kind of people, i was very hurt and upset as i would have loved her to be there, but at the end of the day you have to think of your own life, yes i do live alone, and support myself you only get one life in this world, so you should do whatever makes YOU happy, like she did with her life, there will never be a day when everyone agrees with gay people i am sorry to say as at the end of the day we are the same person we don’t change into a monster, we are just in love yes IN LOVE, it may be hard but you need to follow your heart and enjoy life in love with the person you are in love with, if any parents are reading this and are against there daughter or son being gay please think hard at your decision they are your flesh and blood and your love should be never ending no matter what, LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR UNHAPPINESS Take care everyone write to me and ask any questions if you need to. x

By: Gayle

Gayle — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:28:22 +0000

So very sorry to all who have posted on this topic. My situation is simaler but I ACCEPTED and there was even a wedding ceremony planned. I loved my daughters partner as if she were my own child. Three days before the ceremony her partners cousin fron SanFranisco came. She was also gay and had told my daughters friend she was coming to break up the wedding. They did have issues in there relationship but who should make that choice for others. Of course, this made my daughter feel terrible and was unhappy since she didn’t want her there in the first place. Her partner snuck away with her cousin and wouldn’t return calls or texts. My daughter and the friend followed them and she caught her kissing her cousin. This of course shattered the plans and the cousin got what she wanted. My delema is I feel so hurt for my daughter and I really dislike what her partner and cousin did to her. My heart is so sad for the both of them. So, as you see not all parents feel bad about gay children. I just wish the relationships were easier.

By: Hurt

Hurt — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:40:00 +0000

Hi All

I can completely relate to what you are feeling and going through. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years because my parents started suspecting we were together and started questioning me constantly about my ex boyfriends and boys in general. I could not tell them the truth, that I was in love with her, because I could not stand to see the disappointment in their eyes because I love them so much and they love me so much too and have done everything for me. Now I’m slowly trying to gain some strength and think of ways I could come clean on my situation but I feel so ashamed. The fact that I have lied and the fact that my girlfriend and I are no longer together. If I can’t be with her then I don’t ever want to be with another girl. She is THE ONE for me and I would marry her right now if only it was more acceptable and my parents knew. I wish I could help you more but I guess we are all in the same situation. I hope we all find an answer soon!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 06:23:51 +0000

You probably won’t see my reply, but maybe some other interested readers will come across it.
I was and am going through the same thing. It’s not easy, and anyone that tells you that is lying. What I’ve noticed, though, is that the best thing I can do for myself is to take care of myself and embrace the relationships that nurture me, people who truly love and respect me. If someone isn’t gay it can be difficult for them to understand our situation. Give the important people in your life time to come around, and encourage them to approach you and ask questions about your life freely. I’ve lost a few close family and friends after coming out and living my life openly (which is a HUGE relief, I wouldn’t go back), but I am now able to live my life authentically and fully. Life is nothing without love. You will lose some, and some of those losses may be very painful, but you’d be surprised by the relationships you gain, and the new depth you find with the people you can finally be honest with. If someone really loves you, they want you to be happy. Some people come back around and attempt to repair the relationship while seeking understanding, after realizing you’re not going to change and how much they miss you. Some won’t. But you have to live your life. Just keep the door open for them, and live authentically.
Make sure you have support outside of your family.

By: bobby

bobby — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:16:31 +0000

i’m in a similar situation me and my partner have been living together for over 5 years my family all know and have no problem with us. but her mother is very church orientated as are her whole family so she afraid to tell them they wont speak her ever again they all think we just housemates and i have to pretend along . it really hurts me and i wish she would/could tell them cause we want kids and cant till its open your not alone its not easy being who you are. i hope it works out for you both

By: Amber

Amber — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 15:01:15 +0000

I understand where your comming from on this whole situation. My Mother never execpted me fully for who I am. She was always ashamed of who I am and choice to be. I told her when I was about 14 and Im now 17. I came out and told her when I had brought home a girlfriend. She never liked the idea of me being gay. She also thought “something was wrong with me. She never once wanted to talk about it and now that I live with my dad he doesnt execpt it eather. he may say he does but I can tell he does if he wants to keep changing who I am. He doesnt want me to wear my t-shirts that I have made for day of silence or he doesnt want to see me wearing my gay pride ring or necless. Its hurt full to know that neather of them exepts who I am. My mom never knew about my recent girlfriend before her death and my dad thinks that I am split up with her at this time. Im still talking to her he knows this but he doesnt know that we are together.

My thoughts on the whole thing that your going through is if they already dis owned you how can you be turning your back on them if they already turned their back on you?

By: Kevin McDonald

Kevin McDonald — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 04:14:34 +0000

You made some good points there. I did a search on the topic and found most people agree with you.