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Should A Lesbian Choose Her Family Over Her Partner?

By On July 9, 2008 Under Letters To Deb

My name is Stacey and my mom recently found out that I had a girlfriend
(for the second time). My mom had thought that I was straight until a few years ago when she found out for the first time that I had a girlfriend. I ended up breaking it off with this girl because of more than the reason that my mother did not accept it. I am 21 yrs old and I am a freshman in college and I met the girl of my dreams. We get along great and she makes so unbelievably happy. She stole my heart the day I met her and I can’t stop thinking about her.

My parents dont understand that she makes me happy and that I am in love with her. I understand that they grew up and were raised in a different society, but in todays society it is widely accepted, especially in canada. I go to college in the United States and my girlfriend is on my hockey team. So when I am at school I have the
freedom to be who I am. But when I’m home, I have to live a different
life. Its so hard to live two different lives, I absolutely hate it. My
mom is scared to tell anybody and when she first found out, she had given me an ultimatum, “to be a lesbian or choose your family”.

Its so hard to choose, because my family ;especially my parents, have helped me get to where I am today with my hockey and school, but in the end I want to be happy and live MY life the way I want it. It will be hard when I dont have family there to support me, but then again they don’t feel like family if they don’t support and accept the real me. I have had so many fights with my mom, it got to the point that my mom said I was dead to her, that I didnt exist and I wasn’t her daughter.

That broke my heart into a billion pieces. I cried for 5 days straight. My girlfriend was there for me the entire time. Her parents know about us being together and don’t have a problem with it,they even invited me to stay at there house for a week (my girlfriend lives in Virginia and I live in Ontario). I am going this week but I had to lie to my parents and tell them I am going elsewhere. I hate lying to my parents. My girlfriend and her parents don’t like the idea that I lie to my parents as well. What am I suppose to do???

If I tell my parents I am still dating her they will disown me and kick me out of the house. I can’t live on the street. My girlfriend’s parents told me I could live with them but then I feel as if I am abandoning my family.I think my dad wants to be accepting of it but my mother said she will never ever ever accept it. My dad had said that I am robbing him of grandchildren and walking me down the isle. My mom just thinks that I am missing out on everything. I am a virgin and she thinks that me having sex with a guy will change my sexuality.

I am tired of my parents thinking that I can’t have children or my dad can’t walk me down the isle. Its the same thing just a different way of approaching marriage and a family. There is no difference from a lesbian having invitro fertilization/artificial to a infertile mother having it done! My hockey coach is gay and she is married and my mom thinks its disgusting and she is sure to make comments and stereotype both of them everyday.

I feel like she looks at me differently than she used to. She said since everybody on my team knows she feels ashamed of me and embarassed to come to my games. Having my coach around for support helped alot but now that she is gone I feel alone. I really don’t know what to do. My mom tried to go see a pyschiatrist and she wanted me to go see one to get “fixed”. I had been talking to a counselor at my college because I had been cutting myself over what hurtful things my parents were saying. I had made a deal with my mom that if I broke it off with my girlfriend for the summer and started talking to guys she would leave me alone and stop saying hurtful things. I said I broke it off but I am still with her.

They do not know I use to cut myself (I stopped for my girlfriend because she loves me too much to see me to that to myself), but I have scars on my arm and its hard to hide. I don’t want to show or tell my parents because I don’t want there pity. I want there acceptance. I am not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I can’t do it anymore, it hurts like hell to be myself around my friends but pretend to think some guy is cute. My girlfriend and my friends seem to be the only
people that accept me for who I am. Does anybody have any suggestions for me?

My parents are my financial support right now since I can’t work
because of a recent surgery I had. I’m stuck and I feel alone! SOMEBODY
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Thank you very much for your help

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3 comments - add yours
Elaine Warfield

July 10, 2008

I am replying as a parent. It hurts to read your words and I don’t even know you. My oldest son is gay and I only found out a few years ago. As a parent, I want to say to you, you have to live your life to the best of your ability, for your happiness. We are responsible for ourselves.

You say you’re talking to a counselor but don’t enlarge upon that. Please arrange to talk to a professional, perhaps a woman psychologist, so that you can see you deserve to be yourself, to be loved for who you are, not someone else’s perception of who you should be. You should not have to lie and make yourself miserable, you should be celebrating the beautiful, loving human being you are.

As parents, it is difficult for us to see our children are not living what we “think” they should be living, based upon our upbringing, but again, everyone has the right to be happy in who they truly are.

Please talk to a professional, so you can come to understand that you are a valuable human being who deserves to be loved. Only you can make yourself happy and it has to start from the inside. I wish you the best of luck. Elaine

Emma

August 25, 2008

uhh this is a horrible situation.

but if you love her (your girlfriend), you’ll stay with her.

i would give my life for the girl i love in a heartbeat, even though she doesnt love me back, but she’s my best friend.

she’s been the one for me. i miss her touch and her kiss.

just today i put my head on her shoulder, and she reached up and touched my lips with her fingers and the most magical feeling swept over me. i was so happy i could have died right then. moments like that make life worth living for me. i miss her so much :’(
i dont think i could ever find someone like her again. all i know is that i love her, and i do everything i can for her. i walked home today in the rain without my jacket because she was cold :) and just her smile can make me feel like flying.

i hope everything works out for you. but just listening to myself ramble about my only love, i would do anything for her, and a family who disregards me like that, which they do mind you, my mother doesnt speak to me, i dont think they’re really your family if they cannot accept you for who you are.

x take care

Jordanne

November 5, 2008

Stacey, I’ve had a similar situation to yours, only as a senior in college. She never told her mother, but after half a year I told MY mother, and it was not a pleasant scenario. My girlfriend and I ended up breaking up, she in Chicago and me still in my hometown, because our relationship became really unhealthy the more I lied to my mother (just so I could spend five minutes in her presence). It killed me, and when I couldn’t lie anymore I couldn’t see her anymore so the relationship crumbled.
I want to raise a family, get married, but who’s to say I can’t do that with a girl that I love? I totally understand you. The only problem with that is that I *know* that I’m bi, so how do I continue? Do I hide that I like girls to make my family happy? Do I simply date boys from now on, and not pay attention to the girls I’m attracted to?
You already have your answer. You have a girlfriend. that’s something to be cherished and *Kept*.
I’ve read that you shouldn’t come out if you can’t reasonably live without their support. But you have alternatives, people who will help you. Don’t make any rash decisions, see how you get along with other, new, people. Try to get your parents into, at least, looking into support groups. It might help THEM to go to counseling, as well.
As for the cutting, I’m glad you stopped. my little sister had the same problem… she even tried to overdose on pain meds to kill herself… and I’ve never been so scared before in my life. There are somethings that shouldn’t be wasted: talent, dreams, life, and blood. Things we’re lucky to have.
Again, don’t make any rash decisions, wait it out, test the waters, jump into your new life once it’s warm and waiting for you.
Hopefully, you’ll have someone who loves you waiting for you on the other end. (no matter what you choose)
~Jordanne