Should A Lesbian Choose Her Family Over Her Partner?
My name is Stacey and my mom recently found out that I had a girlfriend
(for the second time). My mom had thought that I was straight until a few years ago when she found out for the first time that I had a girlfriend. I ended up breaking it off with this girl because of more than the reason that my mother did not accept it. I am 21 yrs old and I am a freshman in college and I met the girl of my dreams. We get along great and she makes so unbelievably happy. She stole my heart the day I met her and I can’t stop thinking about her.
My parents dont understand that she makes me happy and that I am in love with her. I understand that they grew up and were raised in a different society, but in todays society it is widely accepted, especially in canada. I go to college in the United States and my girlfriend is on my hockey team. So when I am at school I have the
freedom to be who I am. But when I’m home, I have to live a different
life. Its so hard to live two different lives, I absolutely hate it. My
mom is scared to tell anybody and when she first found out, she had given me an ultimatum, “to be a lesbian or choose your family”.
Its so hard to choose, because my family ;especially my parents, have helped me get to where I am today with my hockey and school, but in the end I want to be happy and live MY life the way I want it. It will be hard when I dont have family there to support me, but then again they don’t feel like family if they don’t support and accept the real me. I have had so many fights with my mom, it got to the point that my mom said I was dead to her, that I didnt exist and I wasn’t her daughter.
That broke my heart into a billion pieces. I cried for 5 days straight. My girlfriend was there for me the entire time. Her parents know about us being together and don’t have a problem with it,they even invited me to stay at there house for a week (my girlfriend lives in Virginia and I live in Ontario). I am going this week but I had to lie to my parents and tell them I am going elsewhere. I hate lying to my parents. My girlfriend and her parents don’t like the idea that I lie to my parents as well. What am I suppose to do???
If I tell my parents I am still dating her they will disown me and kick me out of the house. I can’t live on the street. My girlfriend’s parents told me I could live with them but then I feel as if I am abandoning my family.I think my dad wants to be accepting of it but my mother said she will never ever ever accept it. My dad had said that I am robbing him of grandchildren and walking me down the isle. My mom just thinks that I am missing out on everything. I am a virgin and she thinks that me having sex with a guy will change my sexuality.
I am tired of my parents thinking that I can’t have children or my dad can’t walk me down the isle. Its the same thing just a different way of approaching marriage and a family. There is no difference from a lesbian having invitro fertilization/artificial to a infertile mother having it done! My hockey coach is gay and she is married and my mom thinks its disgusting and she is sure to make comments and stereotype both of them everyday.
I feel like she looks at me differently than she used to. She said since everybody on my team knows she feels ashamed of me and embarassed to come to my games. Having my coach around for support helped alot but now that she is gone I feel alone. I really don’t know what to do. My mom tried to go see a pyschiatrist and she wanted me to go see one to get “fixed”. I had been talking to a counselor at my college because I had been cutting myself over what hurtful things my parents were saying. I had made a deal with my mom that if I broke it off with my girlfriend for the summer and started talking to guys she would leave me alone and stop saying hurtful things. I said I broke it off but I am still with her.
They do not know I use to cut myself (I stopped for my girlfriend because she loves me too much to see me to that to myself), but I have scars on my arm and its hard to hide. I don’t want to show or tell my parents because I don’t want there pity. I want there acceptance. I am not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I can’t do it anymore, it hurts like hell to be myself around my friends but pretend to think some guy is cute. My girlfriend and my friends seem to be the only
people that accept me for who I am. Does anybody have any suggestions for me?
My parents are my financial support right now since I can’t work
because of a recent surgery I had. I’m stuck and I feel alone! SOMEBODY
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
Thank you very much for your help
I am replying as a parent. It hurts to read your words and I don’t even know you. My oldest son is gay and I only found out a few years ago. As a parent, I want to say to you, you have to live your life to the best of your ability, for your happiness. We are responsible for ourselves.
You say you’re talking to a counselor but don’t enlarge upon that. Please arrange to talk to a professional, perhaps a woman psychologist, so that you can see you deserve to be yourself, to be loved for who you are, not someone else’s perception of who you should be. You should not have to lie and make yourself miserable, you should be celebrating the beautiful, loving human being you are.
As parents, it is difficult for us to see our children are not living what we “think” they should be living, based upon our upbringing, but again, everyone has the right to be happy in who they truly are.
Please talk to a professional, so you can come to understand that you are a valuable human being who deserves to be loved. Only you can make yourself happy and it has to start from the inside. I wish you the best of luck. Elaine
uhh this is a horrible situation.
but if you love her (your girlfriend), you’ll stay with her.
i would give my life for the girl i love in a heartbeat, even though she doesnt love me back, but she’s my best friend.
she’s been the one for me. i miss her touch and her kiss.
just today i put my head on her shoulder, and she reached up and touched my lips with her fingers and the most magical feeling swept over me. i was so happy i could have died right then. moments like that make life worth living for me. i miss her so much :’(
and just her smile can make me feel like flying.
i dont think i could ever find someone like her again. all i know is that i love her, and i do everything i can for her. i walked home today in the rain without my jacket because she was cold
i hope everything works out for you. but just listening to myself ramble about my only love, i would do anything for her, and a family who disregards me like that, which they do mind you, my mother doesnt speak to me, i dont think they’re really your family if they cannot accept you for who you are.
x take care
Stacey, I’ve had a similar situation to yours, only as a senior in college. She never told her mother, but after half a year I told MY mother, and it was not a pleasant scenario. My girlfriend and I ended up breaking up, she in Chicago and me still in my hometown, because our relationship became really unhealthy the more I lied to my mother (just so I could spend five minutes in her presence). It killed me, and when I couldn’t lie anymore I couldn’t see her anymore so the relationship crumbled.
I want to raise a family, get married, but who’s to say I can’t do that with a girl that I love? I totally understand you. The only problem with that is that I *know* that I’m bi, so how do I continue? Do I hide that I like girls to make my family happy? Do I simply date boys from now on, and not pay attention to the girls I’m attracted to?
You already have your answer. You have a girlfriend. that’s something to be cherished and *Kept*.
I’ve read that you shouldn’t come out if you can’t reasonably live without their support. But you have alternatives, people who will help you. Don’t make any rash decisions, see how you get along with other, new, people. Try to get your parents into, at least, looking into support groups. It might help THEM to go to counseling, as well.
As for the cutting, I’m glad you stopped. my little sister had the same problem… she even tried to overdose on pain meds to kill herself… and I’ve never been so scared before in my life. There are somethings that shouldn’t be wasted: talent, dreams, life, and blood. Things we’re lucky to have.
Again, don’t make any rash decisions, wait it out, test the waters, jump into your new life once it’s warm and waiting for you.
Hopefully, you’ll have someone who loves you waiting for you on the other end. (no matter what you choose)
~Jordanne
I stumbled across this while trying to do some research on my own. Unfortunately I am currently going through a similar situation so I dont have much advice. But I understand how alone it feels and how nice it is to have someone to talk to, especially someone who is going through the same issues. So please email me if you would like to talk. Good luck and hope to hear from you soon.
Hey Stacey, reading that got me in tears! I know how difficult it is to deal with everything, i’m going through the same thing. I came out to my parents almost 2 years ago and they forced me back into the closet. I was in my first year at university too, I had a small part time job but no where near enough money to keep me going, and my parents supported me financially. So after 2 weeks of crying and taking abuse from my mum over the phone, threatening to cut off everything, i will never be able to see my family, i will never be able to see my sister etc. I said okay, and i’[d be straight… but it just doesnt work like that! I was in a relationship of 4 months at the time, and I was falling madly in love with this beautiful girl, so i couldnt cut things off with her…
… all is good there… but it’s been 8 months since I spoke to my dad, he said “she is dead to me. I never want to see her again, even if I am on my deathbed”… and as for my mum, I have seen her 3 times, each time she has been alright but she says she cannot accept me. I am not welcome back to the house if i am gay etc.etc. and my little sister is fine with it, she has seen me and my fiance a few time and we get on well, it is just difficult because she gets 20questions from the parents every time she meets with us, and they give her a hard time. I miss my family so much. It kills me, I actually think it makes me feel ill… (I can never speak about this without crying!!)… I still get awful texts and emails from my parents/mum making me feel awful. They say I left them, I ran out on them, I am not gay, I am just going through a phase, I am not going to live a normal and healthy life, I am never going to have kids etc.etc. and they wanted me to see someone, a therapist who can change me. but i wont go, because i am me, if they dont want me because of that it is a load of rubbish, but it’s their choice, I always though parents should love and support their children unconditionally, but obviously some dont. I know it hurts so much!
So for a year I led this double life you mention, and like you, it was a long distance relationship. So when it’s not term time, you have to find some big excuse to get away to see your g/f for a few days… and it’s not nice, it’s not easy. I felt the same, guilty! But it was like i was being dirty in a way, having this big dirty secret, i was ashamed… but my girlfriend’s family accepted her and me! In some ways of course, it makes it easier, knowing people are there and supportive. But in others it’s not as easy, I mean, all I have to say is that I miss my sister or my family and my partner feels awful and constantly says it’s her fault and she doesnt want to see her family so we are equal, but it’s not her fault and i’ve said this sooo many times!
Well, I got a bit carried away there… a year down the line of hiding my relationship, I broke down in tears to my grandad and told him how ill it made me, how guilty I felt, and I too was cutting myself… (and have now stopped for my partner!)… and because of my father’s reaction the first time, he held me by the neck up against a wall and threatened to ‘drop me’ … if i was a lad he would have beaten me up! I was terrified of telling them – so I wrote a long letter explaining how i felt, and I moved in with my girlfriend. Over 8 months down the line and i’m still at uni and still with my girlfriend, now fiance
If you want to talk about anything let me know – email me or something… but be careful and think hard about what you want. you know your partners family is supportive which is great, and it does help loads! trust me!
Perhaps speak to a close, trustworthy relative, an aunt, uncle? someone who you think will be accepting, this can make it easier… I didnt dare tell my family as I was frightened they would react in the same way as my parents did, but to my suprise, everyone has been great and supportive, although they dont actually contact me, it’s all a one way thing, which I think sucks when they know what i’m going through… then again, my parents now cause problems in the family, or block themselves off when they find out i have spoken to someone. So it’s not good…
Think about what would be best for you. If you think you and your partner are going to last then you have more of a reason to be honest to those around you, as hard as it is. But whatever choice you make, be sure it is right for you.
Only you know how bad your parents will take it (even though they can be suprising) and only you know how you truly feel inside. So do what is right for you.
Good luck!
This is a late reply! If you’ve already done something about it, let us know how things are.
All the best.
I’m feeling pretty down and out need some advice…
My girlfriend who I’ve been with for a year and a half now, we;ve been through it! At first we were doing the long distance thing for pretty much a year and then we moved in together, her mother loved me until she found out we were together- now she hates me. She really flipped her lid about it but My girlfriend reassured her that we are no longer together…and she just wants to focus on school. Because NO ONE (in my new city that i kinda moved to for her-dumb move?) knows that we are together except a friend or two, very often someone tries to hook her up or get back with her- whatever the case might be. I’m stuck…because I’m lonely. I have no friends here like i did back home to take my mind off or it…or help build something new with her…I feel like for the past 6 months I’ve just been building on lies. And then I always think…what if something were to happen to her…NO ONE KNOWS I LIVE HERE! Her mother could just walk in and take everything WE have together…I want to be supportive…and I’m trying…I just feel a little uneasy about the ex boyfriends calling her and her mom- text messages about “how we should hang out sometime” – under the pretense…that I dont exist. =/ i’m uber frustrated. it’s interfering with my everyday functionality, I’m getting jealous and untrusting…and It’s not usually in my character…help!!!
You made some good points there. I did a search on the topic and found most people agree with you.
I understand where your comming from on this whole situation. My Mother never execpted me fully for who I am. She was always ashamed of who I am and choice to be. I told her when I was about 14 and Im now 17. I came out and told her when I had brought home a girlfriend. She never liked the idea of me being gay. She also thought “something was wrong with me. She never once wanted to talk about it and now that I live with my dad he doesnt execpt it eather. he may say he does but I can tell he does if he wants to keep changing who I am. He doesnt want me to wear my t-shirts that I have made for day of silence or he doesnt want to see me wearing my gay pride ring or necless. Its hurt full to know that neather of them exepts who I am. My mom never knew about my recent girlfriend before her death and my dad thinks that I am split up with her at this time. Im still talking to her he knows this but he doesnt know that we are together.
My thoughts on the whole thing that your going through is if they already dis owned you how can you be turning your back on them if they already turned their back on you?
i’m in a similar situation me and my partner have been living together for over 5 years my family all know and have no problem with us. but her mother is very church orientated as are her whole family so she afraid to tell them they wont speak her ever again they all think we just housemates and i have to pretend along . it really hurts me and i wish she would/could tell them cause we want kids and cant till its open your not alone its not easy being who you are. i hope it works out for you both
You probably won’t see my reply, but maybe some other interested readers will come across it.
I was and am going through the same thing. It’s not easy, and anyone that tells you that is lying. What I’ve noticed, though, is that the best thing I can do for myself is to take care of myself and embrace the relationships that nurture me, people who truly love and respect me. If someone isn’t gay it can be difficult for them to understand our situation. Give the important people in your life time to come around, and encourage them to approach you and ask questions about your life freely. I’ve lost a few close family and friends after coming out and living my life openly (which is a HUGE relief, I wouldn’t go back), but I am now able to live my life authentically and fully. Life is nothing without love. You will lose some, and some of those losses may be very painful, but you’d be surprised by the relationships you gain, and the new depth you find with the people you can finally be honest with. If someone really loves you, they want you to be happy. Some people come back around and attempt to repair the relationship while seeking understanding, after realizing you’re not going to change and how much they miss you. Some won’t. But you have to live your life. Just keep the door open for them, and live authentically.
Make sure you have support outside of your family.
Hi All
I can completely relate to what you are feeling and going through. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years because my parents started suspecting we were together and started questioning me constantly about my ex boyfriends and boys in general. I could not tell them the truth, that I was in love with her, because I could not stand to see the disappointment in their eyes because I love them so much and they love me so much too and have done everything for me. Now I’m slowly trying to gain some strength and think of ways I could come clean on my situation but I feel so ashamed. The fact that I have lied and the fact that my girlfriend and I are no longer together. If I can’t be with her then I don’t ever want to be with another girl. She is THE ONE for me and I would marry her right now if only it was more acceptable and my parents knew. I wish I could help you more but I guess we are all in the same situation. I hope we all find an answer soon!
So very sorry to all who have posted on this topic. My situation is simaler but I ACCEPTED and there was even a wedding ceremony planned. I loved my daughters partner as if she were my own child. Three days before the ceremony her partners cousin fron SanFranisco came. She was also gay and had told my daughters friend she was coming to break up the wedding. They did have issues in there relationship but who should make that choice for others. Of course, this made my daughter feel terrible and was unhappy since she didn’t want her there in the first place. Her partner snuck away with her cousin and wouldn’t return calls or texts. My daughter and the friend followed them and she caught her kissing her cousin. This of course shattered the plans and the cousin got what she wanted. My delema is I feel so hurt for my daughter and I really dislike what her partner and cousin did to her. My heart is so sad for the both of them. So, as you see not all parents feel bad about gay children. I just wish the relationships were easier.
Hi stacey, after reading about the situation you are in, i am in similar myself, i am 44 years old, and i have been gay for 20 years, i am in a relationship now my girlfriend is 33, we are due to get married/civil partnership in november, now my mother hasn’t really accepted me being gay, my father died but my stepfather doesn’t really say very much at all, my mum says she is ashamed of me, she would rather i was marrying a man and having children as she could have grandchildren, she says she won’t be there on our big day as she doesn’t want to be associated with those kind of people, i was very hurt and upset as i would have loved her to be there, but at the end of the day you have to think of your own life, yes i do live alone, and support myself you only get one life in this world, so you should do whatever makes YOU happy, like she did with her life, there will never be a day when everyone agrees with gay people i am sorry to say as at the end of the day we are the same person we don’t change into a monster, we are just in love yes IN LOVE, it may be hard but you need to follow your heart and enjoy life in love with the person you are in love with, if any parents are reading this and are against there daughter or son being gay please think hard at your decision they are your flesh and blood and your love should be never ending no matter what, LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR UNHAPPINESS Take care everyone write to me and ask any questions if you need to. x
Dear Linda- I am struggling for answers about my only daughter. She is 19 and recently decided to change her life style(we found out just a little over a month ago, but it started in July). Her dad and I just don’t understand anything about it even though I have my niece and my husband’s brother (now deceased) are gay and it never bothered us. To be honest, would prefer her not to be gay.
Don’t get me wrong…I LOVE MY DAUGHTER more than life ifself and will never stop loving her no matter what. The big problem started when I ask my daughter to remove post that her friend made about their relationship on-line, but she did not remove it. I sent the friend a message to have her parents give us a call us so we can talk about her relationship with my daughter, but she said her parents wouldn’t want to talk to us because we are harrassing her and won’t give her a chance???The friend said my daughter shouldn’t have to hide who she is…This was the first time I have ever had contact with the girl and we never talk about her to my daughter, so I don’t know why she would consider me asking to talk to her parents as harrassment. She said her family will support her in anything she does and loves her unconditionally, but I know she hasn’t told them yet. We are very honest with our daughter and told her we don’t understand and she said she understood our feelings so we made an agreement with our daughter that we will respect her feelings if she respects ours. We told her we just needed time to deal with the shock. I feel like the friend is doing things just to upset us. We are not keeping her from seeing the girl, we are just not ready to be around it yet. I feel like we have met her half way and we are trying. What suggestions do you have for us?
- for anyone reading this, before you come out, try a relationship with the opposite sex and make sure that is what you truely want. It could make a big difference in your life.
My heart goes to all who are facing the fears related to family loss because of exploring or being gay. I can especially connect to those who are facing the coming out process.
Four years ago my daughter “came out”. She was in her late twenties. She had not considered that she was a lesbian until about six months before. Her process was not easy for her. She seemed very scared, sad and angry. Her father, siblings and I have also had to go through our own “coming out” process. We were completely shocked by her declaration and seeming abandonment of so many values she previously held. We could not imaging how family dynamics would be with another daughter-in-law instead of a son-in-law. Nevertheless we held firm that we loved her and wanted her and her partner in our lives. I knew that there would be many hurdles because dynamics would be different, but I was committed to letting love prevail as we slowly worked through each new situation.
A year ago my daughter married a woman who had been “out” for 10 years. She has had no patience with our “coming out” process. Within weeks of first meeting the woman I was told she was not comfortable in our home because we were still working on acceptance of the new life our daughter was in. My response was to keep loving the woman in the ways I knew. I was hurt unbelieavably when I was told they had married without us knowing it was happening. I have wanted so much to love this wife of my daughter but she has vengence against me for not being perfectly comfortable with the new life from the very beginning. She has asked me questions and when I have not answered with the responses she believes I should she goes on verbal attack. She has convinced my daughter that our family, and especially me, is bigotted. She refuses to visit our family so my daughter joins her in refusing to visit. Our daughter is also kept from having phone contact more than once or twice a month.
The point of all this is to say that when the gay person comes out the family also has to go through a process. It is very difficult for many gay people to process their coming out. Although it is different for the family, they too have a process to go through. PFLAG (Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) points out that everyone has a process. THe pace at which one goes through it can be different for each person.
My recommendation for parents of gays is to remember that your child is likely facing a lot of challenges as they forge through this territory. Be loving. Don’t abandon. Love your child unconditionally to the best of your ability. Be there for them. Know that they are likely struggling too. If nothing else they likely fear that you will not love and admire them any longer.
For you gay children. Know that your parents process of “coming out”, acceptance and appropriate responces will take time. This process is difficult for them. Trust in their love, continue to respect them. Keep contact. Try to be with them in the ways you always have. Be careful to not ridicule them. Give them time to grow in acceptance and realize you are still the same child you always were. Continues to be the best person you can be.
For both parents and children, don’t blame being gay for every issue that comes up in your relationship. All important relationships go through difficult times. Keep on working on it. Anything worth having is worth working on when the problems come.
Give the process of “coming out” time and plenty of love.
Linda
My story is very very similar to rachs except i havnt moved in yet but here goes.
I came out 3 times actualy…once when i was 13 then in november of 2009 and now most recently in march of 2010.See i pretty much grew up in a very traditional italian family….it sucks let me tell you especially when your pretty much like the rebal of the family.always did what they didnt approve of.my mother got married at 16 got pregnant and had me at 17…im 17 years old now my parents have been divorced for a little over 11 years now.I have an amazing girlfriend who is 21 and is in the u.s army unfortinetly she is off to deploy in may and wont be back till next year(march).I have been with her for almost 4 months i truly truly do love her to death.Luckily i will be 18 next year so i’ll be legal problem is im a huge family person i love love love my family but…the way they have reacted and the things they have said have hurt me so much!usualy family is suppose to be there for you but i realised how easly my family was to turn there back on me.Like i said my storys pretty similiar to rach as my mother said they exact same things as her mother im actualy seeing a pysciatrist right now because my mother wants me to be a “normal” woman.My father in the other hand lives in italy with my other family there and well suprisingly they were more supportive dont get me wrong im sure they have there own opinions being from a small italian town but they were calm.Right now i am preparing to attend beauty school since my mother has taken me out of highschool.She is currently making me going to prom with an ex boyfriend of mine who i have no intrest in what so ever infact i think i want to punch him a couple of times in the face.My girlfriend lives in pennsylvania while i live in new york….i too took sum secret trips to see her do i regret them hell no!next year i am planning on moving with her when she gets back from afghan.im excited but at the same time completely scared im just so confused and i have no idea what to do.especially since i have exactly no one to talk to except for her but i dont want to worry her with my crap and her leaving to fight in this damn war scares the crap out of me i love her to death and shes my everything i dont want her getting hurt or worst i’d die right there with her.i guess what im saying is i just need a friend thats all im sure we all do really haha so feel free to talk to me i’ll try my best to give as much advice as i possibly can
I am currently going through a similar situation. I have been with my gf for four years now, and she is an absolutly amazing person.
I am her first gf and she is my second. She told her mum about us and she cried at first but was ok and accepted our relationship. Her mums reaction makes me so proud because she really does love her daughter unconditionally.
My mum on the other hand is not so accomodating. I told my mum a few years ago that I was gay and although she didnt kick me out of home, she didnt speak to me and emotionally abused me for around 6 months. When she finally started talking to me again it was as if i never told her. I cant talk about my gf and my mum ignores that i am a lesbian. It breaks my heart that I can never be open and honest with my family, and i cry all the time about it.
I hope people can learn to be more accepting of something that no one is doing to hurt another. it is about love and nothing more.
Hello everyone. I wanted to share something on this blog. My younger sister Mary is gay. Mary and her partner were best friends in highschool and they both dated guys then. Her partner has been married three times (all men). They are both 30 years old now. Mary told our family that she maybe bi a few years ago (we accepted it) even thought she married a guy. (Her husband is also her partner’s first husband.) This past year she finalized her divorce and introduced her partner to our family. We all knew her since they were friends in highschool. My sister asked her partner to marry her this past January. The sad thing is that Mary’s partner has now taken off facebook photos of them due to her family not accepting their relationship. The partner also had Mary living with her and now has made Mary move out (she is staying with my parents) and only stay a few nights a week. Mary’s partner has five children. Two have been taken away. Two she has with her. And another daughter she has part-time with her. Of course my sister Mary and our family truly care for the children. There are no grandchildren in our family. I hate that this person is hurting my sister Mary. I feel that her partner is embarrassed about being gay with her family and ex-husbands. I am very glad that Mary is out of the closet. I have been supportive to Mary. When an aunt said something against Mary for being gay. I stood up for Mary. I told my aunt “How dare you not love her. She has always done so much for you over the years and has supported you more then others. She is the same person. She is the same Mary!” I am proud of Mary and love her no matter what. How can I still support her when her partner is just using her for money, daycare, and is acting embarrassed to be with her. It is not right. I only wish that I could find my sister a new partner who will appreciate and love her. She deserves it! Any suggestions?
im a 15 year old and i have a gf her parents dont accept us because her dad is a jehovahs witness im wiccan and my gf is aetheist so we dont believe were in the wrong. he lets her straight friends hang all over eachother but we cant even hug. it hurts to know well never be accpted because i love her and hate seeing her cry over it. my pparents accept us and love herlike she was thier own daughter so they hate it too and were very respectfull towards her parents but they still dont accept us. if you or anyone else needs to talk my emeail is ilovekim11_20_10@yahoo.com
idk what to tell u hun. im 16 and came out to my parents almost a week ago. my parents are super religous although they dont really live that kind of lifestyle. they suspected it but never thought id be bisexual. i have a girlfriend. weve been dating for almost a month and she makes me happy even though its long distance. its hard cuz my ma is trying to cut off all ties cuz she says she doesnt want me going to hell. it puts so much stress on my relationship and im worried my girl is gonna leave me although she says she wont…any advice? itd be greatly appreciated.
hi Stacey, I’m not sure what advice to give you since I’m in the same position. I’m 19 and I have always known that I was bisexual. I hadn’t ever told my family on the fear of being rejected but recently my mom found out because i accidentally left my facebook up and she read my messages to my girlfriend. I am so in love with my girlfriend but my parents aren’t accepting of it at all and threaten to tell her parents if it doesn’t stop. so i have been lying ever since and telling them that nothing is going on between us anymore. I am so ready to move out but they are my financial support. i hate living at home where I’m always getting emotional and verbal abuse about being gay. i cant stand being around my parents, especially my mom. she told me recently that she rather have cancer than me be gay. I couldn’t help but cry on that comment.
My mom has told me and my brother before that she would love us the same even if we were gay but i really don’t think she thought it would happen. With my mom finding out and threatening to tell her parents, has put me and my girlfriends relationship on edge. My girlfriend says she loves me too and i mean the world to her and i suggested that she should tell her parents about us but she said that they will disown her. She is also a Christian like me but is always thinking that being gay is a sin. she said she would come out if her religion wasn’t stopping her. It’s really difficult because i want to be happy and i don’t care if i’m with a man or a woman.
I think I am being really stupid with letting this relationship go on and let her drag me along knowing that it wont ever be more than us being together behind closed doors, but I’m so in love with her that i cant help but let it happen. it is killing me and i have nobody to talk to besides our friends, who are straight and think this is an experiment. I’m starting to feel like maybe this is only an experiment for my girlfriend because i cant get her to really commit and think about out future together.
i know how you feel about your girlfriend and i believe if your family really loves you then they can learn to accept it one day. if you have any comments i would really appreciate it.
You need to try to understand this from your mom’s point of view. I have a daughter that is gay. She expects understanding out the wazoo from me, yet, gives me none. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mom and having a family, that came true when she was born. You need to understand that a gay lifestyle is not what any parent has in mind for their children. It is a total shock to the system and understanding is needed on this end too. When your world is shattered, your heart broken and your way of thinking has to be totally reversed, don’t you think this deserves a little time, patience and understanding? I don’t get you kids who think there is something wrong with parents when they don’t just immediately step up to the plate and bend over backwards for a gay child. It’s a shock and something that as to be dealt with delicately and over time. These things don’t come overnight. I would never in a million years turn my back on my daughter, I love her more than life and am very proud of her and what she has accomplished in life. Am I comfortable being in the company of her friend? Absolutely not, I cannot even look her in the eye. I make no excuses for myself, that’s just the way it is.
I’m pretty much going through the SAME thing as well. However, I haven’t told my mom about it yet! I have been dating *Mii BABE!* for over 5 months now. We’ve had mutual feelings for almost 3 years but never really admitted it. & when she did ask me out? She was like “Out of 3 years, I FINALLY have you!” It gave me a GREAT feeling when she said that.
We’ve had tough times but our relationship is still going STRONG! I’ve never really thought of bein’ in such relationship & my bestiies were like OMG! when I told em’ about it. But then, afterwards, they understood so did my sisters! Mii BABE & I are INSEPARABLE! 
I can’t go through a day without talkin’ to her on the phone or seein’ each other! She’s the one that puts me to sleep every night. I LOVE the way she makes me feel and I can’t imagine my WORLD without her. She knows what I like and how I like it! The thing that really gets to me is how PATIENT Mii BABE is about letting my mom know. She tells me that she’s been ready to let my mom know but is waiting on me to tell her that “I’m Ready!”. She says once I say that to her; she’ll be there for me in a heartbeat to tell my mom about US no matter what goes down! 
I’m just worried how my mom will react on this. The LAST THING I would want to do is to give my mom a heart-attack. So, really its up to me to decide but somethings holding me back. Uggggh! —> i HATE DIS’ PART! But we’ll just give it time. 
STACEY —> I wish you & yours all the BEST of luck in the world! My advice is to just give it time. Since, your parents know about it already, let it be! They’ll learn to deal with it sometime. Just be you and keep it kool, EVERYTHINGS gonna be okay! Don’t let anything or anyone get in the way of you & yours!
I just don’t understand how people cannot just accept sexual orientation!!
I am 14 and in a 7 month relationship with a girl that I just couldn’t live without. After about two months of being together, we decided to come out to our friends (we had previously been best friends so my friends were the same as hers) They didn’t take it seriously at first, but after a couple of weeks they got used to it and there were no problems and everything was going fine. About a month after that I came out to my mum, who replied “I know” with a big grin on her face, my mum has a nack for working things out by herself. We both decided we would wait before telling my girlfriends dad because he is Christian and she wasn’t sure how he would take it. Slowly her family started finding out, it had been fine because they didn’t mind much.
Eventually, her dad found out. That’s when the problems started, he kept her away from me with silly little excuses like she had seen too much of me already, or he would just ignore her when she asked him something and change the subject. He’s too ashamed to talk about it too. Me and my girlfriend have talked many times about breaking up, just to make it easier for everyone, but we just can’t, we love eachother too much. That’s what matters.
My advice to everyone is just to keep things steady and not change anything until you are old enough to live your life the way you want it; after all, it’s your life.
My girlfriend is currently going through the same thing you are, I feel so sad and selfish because I feel that am the cause of this and that without me, she would be ok, I don’t know if I should leave her or stay with her, all I know is that I love her with all my heart and just want her to be happy, even if that happiness is in a world without me. Am sorry for not being to give you advice, but I hope it helps you to hear how your partner probably feels, know that she loves you, that she cares for you, that like your parents she onlu wants what she thinks it’s best for you.
Fight but don’t fight for her, fight for yourself, cause she could probably have many other partners, but your mother only has one daughter.
Im a 15 year old girl and i just had my one month anniversary with my very first girlfriend & within this month we decided to tell our close friends and our families. Our friends are quite judgemental & make comments & everytime we hug around them they pull faces and stuff which is making my girlfriend really angry. My parents dont care really, but we dont talk bout it much and my gfs hate the idea but her mum is trying to be as understanding as possible because my gf is sick with cancer. Gooodluck xx
i am in a serious relation with my girl.but, now the prblm is that our families came to know abt our relation.they r not ok wth our relation..they want us to be seperated..my mother is even not allowing me to wear jeans,as they think that this restriction will change my mind to a girl..i cant leave her..her parents are trying to get her married, just after completion of our course..there is only five months for that.im frm india,im 17 and she is 18..i cant live without her love…also i dont want to see both our mothers’ tears..i am in a big trouble..she said that she will even die to stop this marriage..i am also concerned abt her situation..even if we r in same institution i am not allowed to talk to her as all our lecturers & friends know abt us..its so tough to stay without talking to her even if she is near to me..she is staying in the same hostel…i am thinking abt changing my hostel..i cant see her pain…its like my heart is bleeding, even if i already gave it to my sweetheart,i dont know wat to do?help me pls,shud i leave her or liv with her or die together?
I agree with the poster above who gave you advice from the mother’s point of view.
When our babies are born, we dont automatically say “this one is gay, this one is straight”. Society conditions us to believe that our children will be straight and marry an opposite sex partner. Whether they have children, or not, is their choice.
We don’t expect our daughters to go to bed with someone else’s daughter, or our sons to go to bed with someone else’s son. It’s a shock, even if all the “typical” signs were present. To alot of parents, it’s a slap in the face. Especially parents who are religious, and cared enough to raise you to mind your manners, get good grades, attend church, etc.
Here is the “weird” part.
My former husband, and still my BEST friend, is gay. We have 3 children together. My views changed when I saw the heartbreak on his face when he chose to leave us to live his “real” life. His parents don’t accept it, and never will. It’s their loss. They have a wonderful, loving son who is a devoted father and an excellent person. Their bigotry cost them their relationship with him.
I agree with the poster above who gave you advice from the mother’s point of view.
When our babies are born, we dont automatically say “this one is gay, this one is straight”. Society conditions us to believe that our children will be straight and marry an opposite sex partner. Whether they have children, or not, is their choice.
We don’t expect our daughters to go to bed with someone else’s daughter, or our sons to go to bed with someone else’s son. It’s a shock, even if all the “typical” signs were present. To alot of parents, it’s a slap in the face. Especially parents who are religious, and cared enough to raise you to mind your manners, get good grades, attend church, etc.
Here is the “weird” part.
My former husband, and still my BEST friend, is gay. We have 3 children together. My views changed when I saw the heartbreak on his face when he chose to leave us to live his “real” life. His parents don’t accept it, and never will. It’s their loss. They have a wonderful, loving son who is a devoted father and an excellent person. Their bigotry cost them their relationship with him.
I couldn’t read all of the responses, because there are so many of them and I don’t have that much time, so I’m sorry if I’m only repeating what someone else said. Here is my advice. The only way to happiness is your own way. If your parents don’t accept you being gay, then so be it. I know, sounds pretty harsh and cold, doesn’t it? But that’s what love should be: accepting and embracing people even if they have “flaws” or do or feel things we don’t agree with.
The first step I advise you to take, is to talk to a professional about the cutting. I used to do that too and although stopping for a loved one is a great way to start stopping altogether, it might not be enough.
The second step is: try to talk to your parents one last time about all this. you can also put all your thoughts in a letter, if that works for you. Tell your father you’re sorry that what he dreamed for you might work out different in reality, but also point out that all he ever dreamed for you is to be happy, no? So the definition of happiness might be a bit different, the picture is more pink-coloured then they expected the day they brought you home from the hospital and all that, but happiness is still a possibility.
I’m pretty sure that you too had to readjust the future you saw for yourself over time. We all believe we’re gonna marry a nice man and get kids and a dog, untill we realise that our future is more likely to have a woman in our bed, an appointment with the gynaecologist to get pregnant and haveing to stand up or run from people who condemn our lifestyle.
What i’m trying to say is, you too had to let go of some given facts, and you took the time for that. Give him time too.
When it comes to your mother, it gets more difficult. I don’t know how your relationship is with her in general, but I find it hard to believe that a normal, loving mother could really shut her daughter out like that. She said it, I believe that. And she acts on it as well, but inside she misses you, she feels pain, she is angry and upset with the world and doesn’t know what to do. Maybe she blames herself? Maybe she believes it’s a choice and wonders why you would ‘choose’ this? I don’t know. Whatever it is, try to get communication going. If she completely refuses that, there is only one question to ask yourself…
Do you want to live a lie?
Never think that you have to make a choice between your parents and your partner. It doesn’t work that way. you are making a choice between your parents wishes for you and your own wishes for yourself. you’re not choosing your partner over them, you’re choosing a life in truth over a life in lies.
You have to look at it this way, because otherwise you might one day throw in her face that “you left your familiy for her and now look what she is doing to you”.
Since your parents are your financial support, you might have to butter them up a bit. try to lie as little as possible: if you visit your gf, who cares if you lie about that. I know it hurts, but what will you gain by being honest and ending up in debt or out on the streets. If they are satisfied with you not talking about the subject anymore, then just do that. If you have to tell them you’re single, then do that. Try to find that thin line, where you’ve lied just enough to keep them calm.
I know it’s not going to be easy. But make sure you get your degree, and when you are able to work again, save as much money as you can, so you can get out of there as soon as possible.
I wish you all the best. I fought the same battle and I know how hard it can be, but one day you’ll look back on it and see how strong you’ve become. Maybe its a good idea to go to some LBGT-meetings and get some new friends too. Maybe you’ll find a nice boy there who needs a fake gf to cover up his homosexuality for his parents
And if not, you’ll finally have a group of friends where you can say: “damn, did anyone see that girl??”
Lots of love!
Natalie