I’m a 20 year old gay guy, and my brother is 23 and also gay. He came out to my mother before his 21st birthday, and she was devastated. My mother does not know I am gay, and is always pestering me to have a girlfriend, and saying that she finds it strange that I am 20 and have never been with a girl. She accepted him, but she was devastated. My brother and I were born in the UK (London), but my family originate from Northern India. Anyone that knows about Indian society and family know that its a very conservative, family-driven culture, and also highly religious.

Luckily, my mother was always ‘modern’ and forward thinking, and was never religious. However, she still had dreams of grandchildren, and daughters-in-law and kinda relies on me to fulfil that for her, even though I am gay too. She’s a single mother; my parents divorced when I was three years old and he was a very abusive man. The divorce itself was also very messy; lots of custody battles, court drama etc.

I don’t know how, or even if I can tell her that I am gay too. She only has us two boys, we have no other siblings. I am not really that close to my older brother, although he knows that I am gay too. He has tried to talk to me about gay issues in his own life sometimes, but I guess I’m quite dismissive and didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about such private stuff. He hasn’t talked to me about being gay since, which I feel more comfortable with.

My dilemma is that I love my mother more than anything. She has done everything to provide a great life for my brother and I. I don’t know if I should tell her or not. The other option is that I live my life as a ‘bachelor’ and never tell her, but I don’t know if that is sustainable, as she is already asking me why I don’t have girlfriend. The other day she asked me ‘are you interested in girls?’ and the only reply I could give her to make her happy was ‘yes’ to which she replied ‘thank God!’. It killed me inside.

If anybody could give me some sort of guidance, or advice on how to best go about coming out (or not coming out) or how to live without her finding out, I’d be so grateful.

As you can see, I don’t know what my options are. I’m only 20 so I guess I don’t have to rush into anything, but I would never want to enter into a fake marriage and end up breaking some poor girl’s heart because I couldn’t love her. I’m not really looking to have children, because it’s not something I can see myself doing.

My head is messed up right now .

To those of you w/ kids who are or may be gay under the age of 18 (I found out about my first kid just after he turned 16): I never truly believed my teen was gay or bi until he was older – he’s 19 now. I feel like their bodies are changing, society promotes sexual promiscuity and experimentation – straight or gay, and their emotions and hormones are on a roller coaster. Though some kids may really “know” they are gay, others, like yours Kelly, just are unsure.

Kelly, if your son continues to be extremely sad, anxious, and depressed he might need some counseling. I wouldn’t want him to harm himself. Since you’re in the medical field it may be easier for you to find the “right” counselor for your child. It wasn’t appropriate for my children. D would have refused and said, there is no problem. B might have benefited but he was no longer “on my watch.”

Your emotions and grief are valid but your unconditional love for your son is beautiful. Try to treasure the relationship. I just spent 45 minutes on the phone w/ eldest boy graduating from college. The conversation, relationship, and trust we have in each other are treasures and the joy of my life.

One of the things I’ve discovered is how many people are accepting our our gay children. My parents, sister, cousins, close family, and friends have been a wonderful support system for me. They can love me and my children whether or not they support gay marriage or a homosexual lifestyle. One of the great ironies of D’s coming out was that I had to go to my parents the day after finding out about him because my mother had knee surgery. I was obviously not myself and I told them about D. They cried w/ me, held me, prayed w/ me, and said they loved D no matter what. They had become friends the previous year w/ a gay couple across the street. What a blessing the neighbor relationship was. I have no doubt that it built a bridge of understanding, tolerance, and respect. Kelly, I would think that “the man of your life” will have to be respectful and tolerant of your new situation. You may be truly surprised at his response.

My youngest (first son to come out) has never batted an eye at being gay. We don’t discuss it much, though I’ll ask questions now and then. Before he left for college I told him that if there were any problems with his room mate because he was gay, he didn’t have to live with that. He said “ok” and was ready to go. I suspect he still doesn’t know where he is on the sexuality spectrum though his brother (older, also gay, came out 2 months after the youngest)said the youngest’s facebook had a negative comment and that D had responded he was bi. (We’ve had the conversation about what he puts out in the cyber world but that is another story)

My oldest, B, came out to me 2 months after the youngest, D. B’s first year @ college was not as successful as it might have been. He struggled a lot w/ being gay, investigated some groups that promoted therapy to be straight. For about a year I was concerned for his mental well being and somewhat for his safety. Finally, he sort of came to the conclusion to “*** it”, I’m who I am and if I’m to have a decent life, I need to accept myself, and move forward.” I am proud to say that he is a wonderful young man who spends a lot of time w/ his grandparents (in the same town), has accepted himself, and doesn’t waste emotional time and energy on worrying about whether someone likes him or not.

Though it has now been 3 years I do still dwell on the fact that both boys are gay. I’m just stunned that a family can have multiple gay children. I’m not thrilled about the prospect of them having children – just seems weird. If I feel that way, I know others will. I was hoping I’d have a daughter-in-law to help in the kitchen for holidays, someone to buy a dress for and share “girl” things. Mostly, I still have pain knowing that there are and always will be people who may hate or not accept them just because they are gay. I suppose that’s not really different from blatant racism.

I hope some of you will reply on this site more often. It is helpful to me to see how we change over time.

I’m a 29 year old gay male and I came out to my parents once I got out of the Military back in 2006. I grew up in a small town like many of your sons and daughters and had the same fears of how will people accept me. I tell you the biggest fear that I or any other son has is their parents shutting the door on them and rejecting who they really are as people.

I’ve known I was gay since I was a child, I may have not known what my feelings were or meant at that time in my life but now that I look back on it, I can see why I had the feelings that I did.

I know all of you are shocked and sad by news like this but as I told my parents, If I could change my lifestyle dont you think I would have, no one wants to travel a path where people dont accept, hate, talk about and trully disrepect you as a person. Being gay is not who I am, it’s only one part of the things that make me who I am as being straight does to all of you.

Being gay, all you here from Straight people, oh hes gay right?? But do you look at straight people and say, that guys straight? No because its not who the person is.

I have to say telling my parents about my lifestyle had to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I have been to war. They were my rocks and thinking there was a chance of loosing that broke my heart and was cutting into my soul. My parents and whole family (except a few) really shocked me because nothing changed and they love me and my partner of 5 years as they would a daughter in law.

I also see alot of you worring about not being grandparents etc. I know that is hard for you because it’s hard for me. I want nothing more but to have a child and love him/her the way my parents did me. I hope to adopt in the next few years and hopefully I can be that rock for a child that needs a loving and caring home.

I wish you all the luck and if you need someone to write too feel free because I know what its like to be in your childs shoes. I’m gay and I came to terms with it a long long time ago and I’m sure most of you children have to. I feel sorry for people that call me names and talk about me because they truly have no idea, a long time ago I wished I could be like thim and live the so called normal life.

One more thought, it you think back only imagine how many poor men and women have died living a life that they had to hide their whole lives, I feel blessed to live in a time where it is more accepted.

Much love and prayers to you all!
Brandon garybdillon@yahoo.com

Tammi: I just read your story. I found this great website/blog and wrote on it the first of the year. I am the mother of two gay daughters and I love what you said about Jesus. This is so true!!. I have always worried since learning about my daughters sexual orientation what my parents, and friends think about my daughters. I feel sad, and scared for them because I don’t want anyone to judge or look at them any differently. they are beautiful, wonderful girls. My hope for them is that they find acceptance not tolerance in this world. Thanks for sharing your story.

I am a mother of a 13 year old girl. I am confused about my daughters relationship with her girlfriend at school. I keep finding notes written by my daughter and her friend about how they love each other. To me whe I read them I think that this girl is in love with my daughter and my daughter too. In my daughter’s notes she always talk about the day they met which is 10/7/2010, she says things like I love you, you are amazing, you are the love of my life, the day that I met you I became who I am, you are my life my evething etc. I don’t know what to think, I have confronted her so many times and I have asked her if her friend likes girls and if my daughter likes girls. My daughters always get mad saying that we take it the wrong way, that she loves her as a friend. Can you please help me? where can I go to look for profesional help? there is a lot more to this story.

Sincerely,
EG

you havent done anything wrong, or raised them wrong, they dont want you to treat them any differently, just to love them like you so obviously do.

My mum has always wanted to meet my boyfriends, to make sure they are ok, and she loves my husband to bits, yes you can still buy the big silly hat and be the mother of the groom

If people dont like it, that is their problem not yours, mum says the thing she learnt most from the Bible is Mary loved Jesus no matter what or who he went about with, he was her son and her world.

The best thing you can do for your sons is love them, and be there for them, there is one thing them being gay can never change, their love for their mum.

I wish you love happiness and God bless.. and i think it takes someone special to want to help their son

God bless you

M