My main concern is that my son’s “coming out” will be met in the following ways:

Indifference – Some people really don’t care either way. In my experience a minority. Most have an opinion but many choose not to share it. Not worth the hassle.

Quiet Hilarity – Especially among many straight men homosexuality is funny. Two males engaged in a mating ritual is hilarious to some. The futility and absurdity of it all. SNL skits, prison jokes, etc…are everyday examples of this. For these folks gay people are just not be taken seriously. Kind of a circus freak scenario.

Disgust and Hate: In my opinion still around but not on public display as much. These people concentrate on the sexual acts.

The bottom line is my son will need to deal with these types of reactions. We are a tribal society, primates at our core, and being different at such a fundamental level will have consequences. The idea of changing society, etc…is a nice thought, and is possible to some degree, (the younger generation is less openly hostile/more accepting), but make no mistake not being “normal” will never be easy. That’s what kills me about his situation every day. If he were straight his life would be much easier and probably happier.

I’ve researched possible causes wondering if I had anything to do with this issue in his life. It looks increasingly like genetics are not in play. University of Chicago gay twin study has shown nothing of consequence. Latest thinking is some sort of problem in the first trimester of pregnancy.

In any event, it’s an ongoing process trying to go on.

I read something above about the difficulties of being raised by gay parents above, and as the child of a pair, I think my opinion is rare and might be new to straight parents of gays and to gay couples looking for children, as well.

I was raised most of my life by a single-father who came out when I was a freshman in high school. My mother left when I was a child, and I always thought that was very odd. My dad was always involved with men, and we had a couple of other gays in our family, so being homosexual was nothing new. My dad was crying and afraid that I wouldn’t accept him, nor his boyfriend who had already moved in with us a couple of months before. I honestly didn’t care. I didn’t care that he was gay. I wasn’t angry or thrilled. The point was is that he was my dad and his business was his.

I chose not to tell my dad at this time that I had learned that I was a lesbian, because I didn’t want it to seem like a reaction to his coming out. I had a steady girlfriend throughout high school, and I wasn’t really sure why I never liked boys. I never really sat myself down and said, “You’re a lesbian, you must date females.” I fell in love with a classmate who happened to be a female. In college, I did the same thing… I started putting the pieces together. I guess for some, it’s an easy thing to notice about yourself; but in a small, rural town, where heterosexuality is dominant, you try to fit in at any cost.

As a senior in college, and after being in the closet my entire life. I knew that I had to tell my dad; and since he–himself–was gay, I thought it’d be easier. It wasn’t. I was afraid of hearing, “Don’t make the same mistakes I did!” and blah blah blah. … I took him for a drive in my car. I told him. He laughed and said he’d known for years. I blatantly looked at him when we got to the stop light and asked, “Well, why the hell didn’t you tell me? My life would have been easier If I knew you knew. Laying awake at night, wondering how to tell your parents that you’re not what they expected.”

Even though I had his full acceptance and support, and even though he was gay, he still had the same reaction of protective nature of many [straight] parents regarding hazing, safety, prejudices. “Don’t tell everyone, don’t make the same mistakes I did.” … I tried to explain that my generation is more liberal than his, but he was still very worried that I would end up getting hurt–emotionally or physically.

Throughout high school, my dad and his life-partner would attend my band concerts, sporting events, theatre productions, everything. They were both extensively supportive. My friends all knew my dad was gay before I did. I guess it was so normal to me that it didn’t stick out as, “gay,” I just happened to have two dads. My teachers knew, the whole town figured it out, and even as small and rural as this area is, I’ve never heard a word or experienced discrimination from anyone—even the highly conservative members of our close family who know. They just don’t care.

My dad’s boyfriend was not a substitute for my mother, and I assume that my mother had been out of the picture due to my dad’s homosexuality and he wasn’t ready to tell me at the times when I was younger and curious. I was proud of my two dads and both of them helped raise me. They really were a team effort.

My dad died in February of this year, and before he died, he had always said to, “take care of [his boyfriend's name here] he’s as much of your dad as I am,” and I agreed and I have followed through with that agreement, because I know that they loved each other, and as a child, and as a homosexual, I must respect who they were, even as one leaves the other for another world.

I hope that encourages those of you who want to be grandmothers to children of gays, to homosexual couples looking to have their own children… It’s not impossible. It’s not emotionally damaging. It’s rewarding to have a unique upbringing. It was far better to be the child of two same-sex parents who loved each other than to be the child of two opposite-sex parents who do not. I’m not saying that straight parents don’t love each other, I’m saying that gay parents make damned good ones, too.

P.S. Don’t ask [them] which one is their “real” mom/dad… That’s like asking the child of straight parents, “Which parent is your real parent,” like there’s a fake one… They’re a team as lovers, and they make a considerable team as parents, as well.

Ada-Scarlett.

JF-

My parents finally did give up hope of ever having grandchildren a few years ago. My mom asked me if she should stop hoping for them and I said “yeah, don’t hold your breath, it’s unlikely.” She just went into her room and cried. She’s always acted like I had somehow cheated them out of having a daughter-in-law and
grandkids and many years’ worth of big, happy holiday and birthday celebrations. So I guess it’s all about them, and not me, huh? And that those years of expensive therapy were supposed to magically make me into a husband/father? (oh yeah, my mom also threw that one up to me a few times, too…) Well, therapy or no, it’s hard to be a husband/father if you’re not attracted to women! Unless you adopt kids and/or marry your partner in a state that allows gay marriage.

Anyhoo…I’ve dated guys who have run the entire spectrum as far as being out or closeted. Some never tell anyone, others tell everyone. Some are only out to friends. My current boyfriend is in the same situation I am – he can’t tell his family either. For the exact same reason – his family would turn their
backs on him. He’s also in the Catholic church (where homo relations are NOT accepted kindly.)

Anyhow – to all parents who are having a hard time accepting your
kids being gay – DON’T BE SELFISH. This is not about YOU, it’s about THEM. What feels natural/normal to them may differ from your definition of what is normal but c’mon, this is their sexuality! They didn’t choose their orientation. There are all kinds of theories about gay genes and “parents turning their kids gay”. The gay gene thing, I don’t know. But no parents turn their kids gay, so don’t blame yourself for something that you had nothing to do with anyway. A certain percentage of people are born gay or bi.
It’s just how it is! Most people say 10 percent…I say it’s more like 30-40 (there are tons of closeters out there.)
Last year I dated a guy from a family of five kids…the oldest two are straight and the youngest three are gay. He said, cheerily, “it just runs in the family!” Gay siblings don’t often get along with the straight ones…but that’s another story.

Above all, just love and accept your child/children for who
they are. Life is too short for homophobia and rejection. You brought them into this world in hopes that they’d have a good life (presumably). They’ll love you that much more for your acceptance…and if you don’t, you quite obviously don’t love them and that your needs outweight theirs (excuse my harshness, but it’s true…) I know it is hard for some to accept…you conceive your children expecting that you’re raising hetero kids who will “bless you” with their own offspring and in-laws and whatnot. But it just doesn’t work that way all the time. I wish more parents would go into parenting realizing that their child could be either gay or straight. They’d sure have an easier time with things, once they reach the day that their child tells them they’re gay (or the day their parental intuition tells them that their kid is probably not hetero!)

Take care, all.
Leon from Los Angeles

You are a better person than me. It’s been several months now and if anything any chance of accepting my son’s news as normal is gone.

He brought over a new “special friend” to the house and I was mostly sad, but also disgusted. I am not a religious person. Not anymore at least. My take on this is of the indisputable fact that life on earth depends on male-female attraction. Anything other than that is simply an abnormal state. It just is. As John Muir once said “nature is obvious”.

It’s as if I after 19 years I suddenly found out my son had a birth defect. I only wish there would have been some test for this years ago and my wife an I would have had more children. As it is, what’s done is done. My only son is gay. He cannot help who is. If anything I love him more because he is different.

I must say I am still very angry after all these months. In the event there is a God I occasionally even say a “prayer”, it goes like this: Dear God, Screw You. Amen