Parents Of Two Gay Sons Need Feedback – Please Help
Hello, my name is mary and my husband and I have 2 gay sons and 2 straight sons, I think we are pretty much over the shock part, its just trying to really understand the whole picture that is hard,
I found your site and am interested in maybe just feed back from other parents and learning to really be comfortable with the whole picture
thanks
Mary
Hi Mary: I discovered my oldest was gay only a few years ago. He’s now 23. I love him dearly, as I do all my boys. However, it was difficult for me to grasp this, but at the same time I told my son I loved and supported him. I guess the difficult part for me was thinking my son won’t have a traditional family life, children, etc. He may be ostracized, made fun of, even though it’s more accepted in today’s world.
The protective mother instinct kicked into gear. We live in a small community and he had moved to a larger city an hour away just before I found out.
When he visits he brings his friend who he’s been with several years. His older friends for the most part know he’s gay. Since he’s been true to who he is, I can see he’s more comfortable with himself and who he is. His confidence level has grown. During his teens he was confused and angry and we never had a clue why, even though our family was close and I took him at 13 for counseling to figure out what was going on.
When I talked with my son and found out, I didn’t talk with my parents, etc., right away, because I could see my son’s comfort level wasn’t confident at that time. And I didn’t feel it was my place to say something. However, my middle son and I knew, we both kind of figured it out at the same time, but I decided to wait to tell my youngest, who was 12 at the time.
I actually went to a psychologist to talk to her about the best way to tell my youngest. Living in a small community, I knew we should tell my youngest so he didn’t hear it from someone else. Kids can be cruel at times. I talked to my oldest son and said I felt it should come from him to talk to his brother. I just told him to not be surprised by any reaction he may get from his brother, but just remember he loved him. It went fine.
My family knows, close friends, and on occasion any one who may mention something about my son I will tell them. I admit to still wondering at times who may know or may not know, but I am proud of my son and if it arises in our small town, I have no problem saying my son is gay. Trust me, you can weed out the ones who really care about your family and the ones who don’t. With one exception, I know of no bad reactions. Their loss.
I had an incident where someone I thought was a friend made derogatory comments about my son and it got back to me. I was furious, but let myself cool down, then simply called the person, let him know I was aware of what he was saying, and told him to simply stop. This was just my way of taking back control for my own sake. Again, the mother instinct.
Someone recently said to me that my son being gay is just who he is, just as me being an independent single mother is who I am. Sometimes, it really is that simple.
I wish you and your family the best, and keep the lines of communication open with your sons, that’s the best you can do.
First, Thank you for this website and making this so easy to talk to someone. I looked for something like this back (about 6 years ago) to find someone else who had 2 gay sons. I was in shock at first, too. Seemed unfair that I only had 2 sons and both were gay. The youngest told me first, but the oldest told me after I pretty much had figured it out. In the beginning I grieved a lot. As the years have passed, the acceptance is better, and I’ve even told friends whom I felt I could trust. When I talk to my friends who are mothers, I discuss my children’s behavior towards me, but I don’t think their lifestyle plays a part of that. I’ve been thinking lately that conclusion may not be true. Can anyone recommend a book to help me understand my sons’ relationship with me. Does it have anything to do with their lifestyle, or it’s just the way grown men relate to their mothers? It feels unfair to me that I accepted them, but they seem to shut me out. The oldest is in a steady relationship and has been for about 7 or 10 years, I think. I love his partner as a son, too. I just want a family feeling for all of us. Even though I was shocked in the beginning when I found out I would never be a grandmother, and life did not turn out the way I had expected, I felt that family and love was still the most important thing. I thought that was the theme I raised them under, and didn’t even think there was a choice for me to not love them no matter who they decided to love. It seems as my youngest gets older, he gets more distant, and is making his friends his family (and I’ve never met them) more than his birth family. Is there a book you could recommend to help me understand our new relationship, and give me some comfort to learn if it’s his lifestyle, or just his age and gender. I have no “norms” to go by anymore. The way things were for me and my family don’t seem to give me any guidance in my situation. I feel lost and afraid of losing him. I know that some parents reject their children when they are gay, and most gay people want their parents love and acceptance, but it seems in our case the situation is reversed.
I hope I can find your answer.
Thanks again.
My 21 year old son is gay, but he hasn’t told me and he doesn’t know I know. Neither does my husband. I feel it is not my secret to tell. I love my son and would like him to broach the subject with me. He is very masculine and boyish so I know people will find it difficult to grasp. I believe him to be in a relationship with a physically ill and needy man. My son can be irritable and I don’t believe he will ever tell me. My other son is very religous and would have difficulty accepting this, although I know he loves his brother and would offer help and support even though it goes against his religous beliefs. I feel very alone guarding this secret from everyone. I just want to tell my son that I love and accept him, but I can’t.any advice would be gratefully recieved.
I found out my son was gay after he graduated from high school and was at a party and he called me slightly intoxicated, and told me he was gay. I couldn’t breath. but I told him no matter, I loved him anyway. I broke down after handing up the phone and was basically in shock for a few days. He went to a Christian Academy, was an honor student, dated affluent attractive girls, best dressed, most likely to succeed, the whole nine yars, and sang a spiritual song at graduation (a finalist in voice competition). I called my mother and told her what had happened, to this day she still denys that he is gay and says its just a phase he is going through.
I live in a very, very small southern town and what goes on here is public knowledge, I’m also in the Bible Belt. I don;t want to lose my son, he is the apple of my eye. He has since gone to college and vowed never to return. It’s either for me to move to where he is or not acknowledge his sexual preferance. I want him to be happy but I am concerned bercause I have read a lot of information about gay men, the threat of anal cancer, etc. What am I going to do?
G I N A
Hello dear Gina
I m 21 y o boy, and firstly i want to say that ur sons r very LUCKY having an understanding mother like YOU!
and u all gave good things, supports,, if i were ur son i would always LOVE you as a mom, also as a FIRST FRIEND OF ME!
because i learned in my that 21 age that: EVERYBODY,,, YESSS EVERYBODY… EVEN THE CLOSEST FRIENDS , ONE DAY THEY BECOME A VERY STRANGER!!
THE ONLY THING WE HAVE FOREVER, OUR FAMILIES!!
I love all my friends and i m the one that gives the much worth to my FRIENDS !!! but all the same,,, i know that the one who is with me FOREVER is MY FAMILY (EVEN THEY DONT ACCEPT OR THEY DONT WANT TO IMAGINE THAT I M GAY OR BISEXUAL!!)
so i wish i was a friend of ur sons and i would have had a chance to tell what a wrong thing is it NOT TO BE a first friend with a MOM like YOU!!!!
so, please read my message to your sons if u can…
LOVES Dear Perfect Mom!!
N A O M I
Hi Dear Naomi,
i want to tell my comment about ur situation
ur son is in the same age like me so, i think i can understand his feelings very well!
Even u love ur son as he is, i think u should find a good way to tell him ur thoughts because when he ll hear that u and also ur husband knows that he s GAY, he surely will be STRESSED!!
He will have a lot of doubts suddenly about his rest life, what ll happen, my parents know that i m gay, what will change … etc,, a lot of fears or doubts…
I dont know if there is a way to MAKE HIM TO TELL YOU about that… might be u make him to feel that u r very open minded PERSON about gays, bisexuals ; and also very openminded MOM about ur son’s all choosings…
if u give him this relax mother picture, he may open his secrets to you
dont forget, all the people who has got that situations (me also) thinks at least one time to tell everything to a close friend, to FAMILY or just to MOM or to brother-sister…
we think about possibilities,, MAY BE EVERYTHING WILL BE VERY GOOD, MAY BE I LL HAVE A BETTER, MORE RELAX LIFE…ETC
butt thennnnnn
we generally give up telling them because of the rest possibilities:
MAY BE THEY LL HATE ME
MAY BE THEY LL BRING ME PYHSICOLOGIST LIKE A PHYSICOLOGIST ILL (sick)!!!
so, may be the way is not telling him dirrectly that u know everything,,
may be the way is to make ur son feel that u r in the GOOD POSSIBILITIES he ll tell you;)
PS.all i wrote that my thoughts and my experiences of my all life or lifes that i know… so u know u and ur son much! u should decide what to do…
best luck !!!
L I N D A
Dear linda, if i didnt understand ur message wrong, u live in a small town and u have a mother that dont want to believe ur son is gay
ur son is very succesfull one at school or at life generally
…
i think there s nothing going wrong (may be except for u had said that u son is gay to ur mother) because old people’s reactions are generally different on those situations and may be he s irritated that his grandmom knows that he s gay … etc…
but it s ok…
if i were him and u , i wouldnt say more people that i m gay (or my son is gay) because ur son is succesfull one and i wouldnt like to chance his SOCIAL life.. There s a small town that u ve been living in and believe me BEING GAY IN A SMALL TOWN IS VERY VERY DIFFERENT THING THAN BEING GAY IN A BIG(COSMOPOLITAN) CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shortly,,, being gay , living gay life can be left with rest of ur life (social life etc) not saying everybody that u r gay!!!
especially on small towns i would live that way because gay life isnt appear on SMALL TOWNS…!!!
in small towns if u say some people that u r gay it surely will make problem in ur future, in ur job or ur school life etc
thats what i mean, leaving gay life with social life!!!
Hopefully…
F I N A L L Y
i just ve seen the website and i love it! thanks for the website !!!
and here i saw the moms that has sons in my ages,, so i thought sharing my ideas may be helpful!
i hope my messages will help u on some points
and i m sure u cannot understand many feelings of ur son’s or many acts’ meanings of u sons’…
if u need to ask anything , i ll try to help u because i m living the same situations and i m 21 y o, so i can understand ur sons’s situations better:))
if u ask something TO ME:: on the messages top write ::
TO CONQUEROR
or
CONQUEROR
(like i did on my answers)
Thanks…
You might like what was expressed on my news commentary blog, Curtis On The News regarding proposition 8 and homosexual rights.
Regards,
Curt
Help – my ex husband came out of the closet after leaving me for another woman. I was left to raise my wonderful son for 11 years with very little help from the ex. Now my 17 year old son told me he thinks he’s gay. I told him – I love him and will support him. And I will, even in out ultra- conservative area (especially) here. I just have these self doubts thinking that it might have been something I have done, but maybe he’s just gay, like his father. I just want him, healthy, happy and safe.
Hey Rebecca,
I am a gay son. I am 18 years old and going to college to be a teacher. I am currently engaged and I think i can help you with a lot of your questions. Feel free to email me.
I too, have 2 gay sons.
Hi Amabel…I thought I was the only mother that has two gay sons. Do you have two only sons like me?
My problem is, my sons do not get into relationships. I’ve never seen other friends with them? I’m sad as I will not be a nana. I long for grandchildren very, very much. I love my sons both the same. They are really wonderful friends and both would do anything for me. I give them plenty of hugs, and kisses.
I sometimes wonder if I went wrong in bringing up my two boys in private schools? Or, is a gene in the family responsible for having both sons gay? Does the gene come from me or their fathers side of the family???
I have always been a protective Mum.
At a loss….Judy
I am a parent of two gay children, a son and a daughter. Both were a surprise to me, I never had any feelings that they might be gay. I adore my children, they are wonderful human beings. They are fine people who are getting the most of life.
There is an adjustment for parents who find out their child (children) are gay, but the overriding feeling is that these are the wonderful people I have loved. always.
If there are any parents going through this who would like to talk, contact me.
To the parent of two gay children.(son and daughter) This was a surprise to me as well. I have had to come to terms that I will never be a nana. That hurts. I love my two sons unconditionally. I know this was never their choise of lifestyle, rather, I have had to accept that this is a gene that comes through the generations. We made them what they are today. Yes…it is a big adjustment indeed.
Judy
My oldest son is gay and has many mental issues. Now my 20 year old just got into trouble with the police and informed us he is also gay. My husband will never except this lifestyle. I know my first son is gone and now I will lose my yongest. How can you sit and listen to their stories ans allow those actions in your home. I love both of my sons and have told them. But i know their lifestyle will never be excepted by my family. This is absolutely tearing my marriage and family apart. I am ashamed of the way they have handled themselves and getting into trouble. What can I possibly do to get this family back together? Why does the mental illness and troubles come with being gay?
My husband and I have two sons. Both are gay. I wish I had found this website 12 years ago when my first son came out at age 18. I was desperately looking for a support group, not because I couldn’t accept my son’s sexual orientation (my husband and I told him we loved him and were proud of him and that would never change…and two years later we had a similar conversation when our second son came out); I wanted to talk with other parents because I was so angry at the homophobic world we live in. Every day it seemed like I would hear jokes or stupid comments, at work, on tv, everywhere. Every time, it felt like a knife in my heart. I made it pretty clear to my friends and family that I had zero tolerance for anti-gay comments/attitudes. The workplace was a different matter. I had to keep my mouth shut and was miserable. But over the years, it became easier. I guess I had to develop thicker skin. But I still get angry at the homophobia that is still all too prevalent. Anyone else feeling the same things?
Hi Teddie…I’ve never spoken to anyone who has two gay sons like me.So thanks.You are fortunate indeed that your first son came out at the age of 18.My first son came out at age 38.I wished I could have enjoyed his different way of life style earlier. Like you, we love him unconditionally, he is such a charmer. The other son has yet to come out to us, but we can tell he is gay also. Yes, those jokes are a stab in the heart for me too. I believe that the so called….homophobic world is a new tag in todays society. We never used to hear so much as a twinkle in my days. I put it down to the way the world has made each and everyone of us closer. With todays technology we have. We appear to ask more questions.We are well informed regarding what goes on in the world. I keep a closed mouth regarding my sons sexual lifestyle, no relations know, no friends of ours know either. This way the conversation never developes into a topic. I understand you in every way, it’s hard – this I know. Please feel love towards your sons and be there for them as a close friend. I do.
Judy
We have a gay son. It’s our job as parents to let them know that your home is welcome to everyone. It’s not about us..if it is, this means you still care what other people think. Our son is and will always be funny, sassy, creative, hard working, handsome, likes to hunt, golf, cook, bike ect…he just happens to be gay. NOBODY CARES! So stop making this your concern. Just be there for him, just like you would be there for your other children!!!!!!!
Hello, all. I’ll be checking this site regularly to see what’s happening. This is going to be a long one because I’m introducing myself and working my way through things. I am the mother of 2 gay sons; no other children. I’ve found out about both in the last 6 months.
I found out my 16 year old is gay by accident??? Maybe Freud’s theory was at work. D had left an e-mail up on the computer and when I saw it the word “gay” jumped out at me. He was asking a female friend if there would be any other gay guys at a party. I flipped out, screamed (my dogs thought I was crazy), got on my knees and prayed, threw up, called a friend, and when my husband finally got home, had him read the e-mail. When he picked my son up, D said that at least now he wouldn’t have to tell us he was gay. We told him that we love him and I was calm when we talked. He behaved as if he was letting us know that his eyes were brown rather than that he is gay. We talked a while that night and moved forward with regular life; rather hesitantly at first. With D’s blessing and non-challant attitude I told my sister, my parents (I was in line to take care of my mother after surgery and they absolutely would have known something was up, one friend and my other son. When I told my second son, 19 years old, I made a comment that if he was gay, I’d flip out. He laughed; not his natural laugh, but one I noticed as being different. As a couple of months went by I altered between depression, acceptance, and normal life.
Now for number 2 son. Three months later my eldest son invited me to a late movie. I was already in bed and he was pushing me to go. I knew before we got in the car something was up. He told me that he is gay and that he had considered himself homophobic. He is a first year at UGA and said that he realized a gay person doesn’t have to be flamboyant. The initial impression he gave me was that he wasn’t happy about being gay, didn’t want to hurt us. His personal feelings about being gay were very different from his younger brother’s.
I’m continuing to learn to cope. Most days I don’t dwell on the issue; some days I can think of little else; and I go through periods of sadness, depression, related to what I expected from my later years.
Enough for now. I hope to stay in touch with people.
By the way, new book out and I talked w/ the author who has 2 gay sons. It is called “Ready or Not… by P and Hjordy Wagner.
Hello everyone,
My mom has two Gay sons, My older borhter who is 27 and I am the other one, 23. She does not know this yet but will soon find out. There is nothing easy about any of this for any person involved, especially when love is a factor. I have told all of my friends with much ease, even my brothers and sisters, but the “Parents” still seem to pose this problem of sorts. Many nights I lie awake trying to think about how I am going to tell my parents, how they are going to be hurt, what they will think of me,etc. etc. but I know deep down in my heart of hearts that my parents will love and accept the person that I am. As I read through some of the other posts I noticed that some parents are blaming themselves for their sons being gay because they didn’t raise their children right! BOLOGNA, I have a BA in education,a masters In linguistics and a teaching credential, I was provided with everything I needed and was brought up just like the kids next door. We are what we are because we were born this way and God wouldn’t have given you one gay child, let alone 2, if he didnt think you were strong enough to handle what society has to say about it. Know that you did nothing wrong and that you need not apologize to anyone; be glad that your child trusts you enough to share their “secret” with you. Be loving, accepting, supportive, and encouraging. Be open and ask questions because the only way you can fail as a parent is to not be their for your child! As I write this I hope my mother and father will love me like they did last week when they thought I was straight, and I hope you all find it within yourselves to love your children unconditionally, because I think the Beatles said it best, “All you need is love,” and when you have that, nothing else matters…
-Jake-
My 17 yr. old boy things he is gay or bi. He has a girlfriend and he says he has feelings for her. He told his brother he is gay, and not me. I love him no matter what and I just want him to know that, but I am afraid to let him know. He says he has feelings for the girl, but he has had crushes in the past with boys but never acted on them?
I always thought it was normal to sometimes be attracted to the same sex? I feel at a loss at how to deal with this and let him know, I will always love him..and do not have a problem with whatever his preference is.
any thoughts, I welcome them.
I too seem to be a “midnight poster” – a parent who has recently been told the news and is still in shock. I am feeling better after having been to your site and finding I am not alone. Does anyone else find it disconcerting that you have an ad posted for “Hot. Gay. Men.” I mean, seriously? You are, on the one hand, helping us cope with “the news” and seem to understand it is traumatizing even for those of us who are trying to be supportive and loving to our children. On the other hand, I feel like you are flaunting the promiscuity of gay men in our faces with the ads. Like many parents trying to cope with this, I differentiate between a loving, committed same sex relationship and out and out hedonism. I think I can come to terms with the former, eventually but not with the later be it between hetero or gay people. Please consider removing the ads.
I am a gay boy and i am 15 and i came out to my parent when i was 12 it was hard for them and they thought that i was mentally ill. Yeah coming out was my hardest part of my life i felt alone at school and every guy there hated me and wanted me dead i was failing and having trouble but now that i am done with middle school and now off to high school i fell more confident with myself and i am wanting to tell my entire family even my birth mother but my other mother says its not a good idea. and she always ask me why i want to tell everyone i say because i fell better with myself if i did and my brothers and sisters know that im gay and they told me that they love me for who i am and will always love me!! i am staring to feel more confident with myself!!! thanks to this website i found out some interesting stuff on kids who had a hard time telling there parents and i now know im not alone!!!!!!
Hello all,
First off: I am a 25 year old gay man, out, and damn proud! I think what worries mom’s the most – it did mine – was the fact of how I would be persecuted, or ridiculed, as well as the idea of being a grandmother. Here is a first hand experience.
I was in the closet for many years and I lead a heterosexual life: I played sports, trained as a pilot and did all the typical male things including date girls. The dating was certainly more than just dating, but in hindsight it didn’t feel right. I never wanted children, simply I thought they were a burden and an income drain (haha). But when I was 20, I met someone, and he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I knew then because he was ‘out’ that I needed to make the move. The opposite reaction ensued from my parents, my father a retired airline pilot was completely open and relaxed and said he had known for some time; my mother, a doctor, took it very hard and was shocked. Not because she could not accept my being gay, but because she thought about all the things she would not get to do as a mother/ grandmother. My parents now accept me completely, along with my boyfriend who is now part of my family..as am I part of his wonderful family. We will most likely be married (as long as it stays legal here in Canada) and more than ever now I would love to have children and share the love of two parents with a child who needs it. So to the moms out there, support your children and the odds are that they will have the desire later in life for a stable, monogamous relationship and to be parents.
To the people who don’t understand – I am from heterosexual parents; my boyfriend is; and we both had a wonderful and affluent up bringing – NOTHING can change the fact that we are gay; let alone 2 of our respective siblings are as well.
Not one single thing.
So my advice to parents everywhere, accept your children as they are, period. You cannot change them and it is wrong to try. Life is too short to miss out on your child’s life – and if you cannot accept them, don’t try to change them, change yourself.
I wish you all the best luck in your journeys.
I posted earlier at a difficult time in my journey as a parent of 2 gay sons. As the one year anniversary of finding about first gay son I was anticipating some big time depression. I am thrilled to say that it didnt’ happen. I’ve had 2 months in which I have not dwelt on the issue. At the moment I’m only dealing w/ the typical issues of having a 17 year-old know-it-all at home.
One issue we did have to tackle since we have one gay child still at home was whether or not he would be allowed to spend the night w/ friends. I was prepared to discuss this months ago but my husband was hoping to avoid it and any accompanying conflict. To make a long story short, D had already given a great deal of thought to the matter and understood that we would not support or allow him to spend the night at anyone’s where he was interested sexually in someone. of course, unless we deny all overnights, this is difficult. I must say that having a gay teen at home is not easy because there are things that we would have to handle w/ a straight son.
The other thing I’ve discovered is how secretive the gay world and friends of gays can be. I feel at times like my children live in a secret world. My eldest son is opening the door but I have been struck how long young people maintain such trust and silence amongst themselves – the gay and the straight who are their friends.
To “Don’t Worry” I can respect your decision about wanting children but I hope you and your partner will give intense consideration to the trials that will come a child’s way. As a parent and a school teacher I’m familiar w/ the struggles that many children suffer for a variety of reasons. Having two gay parents will present no small amount of stress for a child – at any age. At the moment, I can’t imagine what it will be like if I have to learn how to be a granmother in that position. One day, or one issue at a time.
Kimberly,
Well, it’s no easy road for anybody, but that’s life. And life is full of mystery and wonder, that’s actually the beauty in it.
With respect to children, yes I fear that my children will someday be persecuted for having two Dad’s, but as much as I can help it I will be there every step of the way to protect them by educating them early on. Those kids will never want or need for anything…especially love. My family and friends, who with the exception of a few, are entirely straight are already starting the road to parenthood and they cannot wait for us to start it as well. Albeit, a little bit longer road for us, but I am not worried. We are both in medicine and have our priorities set out. We have a ‘game plan’ we’re sticking too, and our families are around us 100%. I am not going to spend my days worrying about how my kids may be ridiculed; we’re going to raise them to be good, honest, educated kids like our parents did – we have the same expectations as our parents did for us.
And your job as a grandmother would be to smother those kids with love, they are not yours to raise and all you can expect is to have those grand kids raised as you raised your own son. You won’t have to learn to be a grandmother ‘in that position’, you just need to learn to be a grandmother..period. Nothing will ever stop me from wanting kids, and if there are still narrow minded people who think that a gay couple can’t raise kids, that’s their bigoted opinion. And should anyone harass our children, God help them because we would drag them through every court in the land until they were toast. Ask any parent on here, anyone of them would go to the ends of the world for their kids — that’s what being a good parent is about.
And yes, your son is young so give it time and everything will start to look clearer. I have asked my parents time after time about their feelings and it was only after a few years of my being out, that they let it all go – the fears, anxiety, depression.
I really do wish you the best; you sound like good parents and I have profound respect for educators.
My best to you.
I know I ought to be utterly cool that my son wants his friend (he’s bi but the current interest is a guy) to come and stay, I’m a social worker for goodness’ sake. But honestly, I’m not cool. What he does at college is his business, he’s an adult,but we live in a small town and have already had enough harassment from the local oiks due to No 2 son being autistic and having extremely odd behaviours. I honestly don’t want to paint another dirty great target on our family – we have an unusual name and EVERYONE knows who we are and where we live. I’ve left the church but my husband still goes, I can tell he is dreading the folk (conservative evangelicals) there finding out – there go most if not all of our friendships…not to mention No. 2 son lives with his foot in his mouth and has no internal censor so the chances of keeping it to ourselves are zero.
But presumably we can’t say no?
HI all,
I have been searching a few sites recently trying to understand the dynamics within my family who are very close, since finding out my sisters son is gay. This is probably going to be the one and only time I will post on the subject due to the fact I am perplexed by the whole issue. I was inspired to write having read the post from the lady who was worried about the fact she had accepted her son was gay, but was feeling it was him who was distancing himself from her, rather than the other way round. This is exactly what we are experiencing within our extended family. We all love and accept my sisters gay son, he is the one who is intent on distancing himself. I understand he needs to relate and connect with people of his own orientation,so do we all. I am angry though, due to the fact there is so much commotion regarding gay people not being accepted and there are people like my family and probably many other families, who find it is the gay person who rejects them.I say to all gay people, when you complain about acceptance,please look to your own community first and perhaps educate them to be more inclusive!
Both my sons are gay..I am taking it really hard…My younger son is bullied all the time and threatened..The police do nothing about it!bI a stressed my son is nasty to me..He also has Bi Polar….Most of the time he is the manic stage..refused medication…he doesn’t understand that I am suffering also with all this…For him it is all about HIM.
In fact when I look back it has always been this way…he was kid who was rude all the time…no manners even though I taught him them..I have to deal with perversion in my home all the time…This creeps me out! I have accepted what my son is.. I don’t have to agree with it !
I don’t bother him about it but he shoves it in my face all the time! What I don’t get and never will is how they can call it gay pride day..when it is obvious they have no pride..parading all over the streets half naked and even some in diapers….is that pride?
NO ! Why do they have to advertise what they are….us heterosexuals don’t advertise and have parades!….I don’t understand all this at all..it makes no sense to me at all! Truth is most gays I know are promiscuous and into porn and sleep around….again where is the pride? my older son when he first came out that he was gay had the same experience..In fact he cried to me and told me that all gays are perverts..and he was gay himself….years later being around that gay influence he himself became like them… now he is OK with porn, sleeping around…etc… Maybe if the gay community were more respectful people might take them serious! Some of you might think I am harsh..but I am truthful and honest…. and more people, should be! I am having a very bad experience with my sons….I am about to walk away for good out of their lives….I love them but this is hurting me so much I suffer depression everyday and feel ill!…
I want a normal life!!!!!!!
By the way…my sons are distancing me..I never hear from my older son…he wants nothing to do with me! He hates me because I am Christian and always mocking God in front of me..my younger son is doing the same now…and he was once a believer also! His first gay experience was when his older brother molested him at about 8-9 years old….now he is Gay…come on! Give me a break! I think I am losing my mind and my health over this mess! I met a wonderful and and plan to start a new life in the next year or so with him….He accepts my two sons and says he loves them also.. But I want to move far away and move on with my life…my two sons made their beds now they can lay in it…. No reason I should have to suffer because of their choices!
I just found out my brother was gay last night and I am SO ANGRY. We are a christian family who knows that this is a life of sin. This is going to tear my parents apart. They have worked to give hime everything and at the age of 21 says…oh “im gay” When I asked him”how long have you known this” he DID NOT say my whole life..just “when I saw this guy” (now his boyfriend. I fell he is confused, and making a big mistake. What should I do/say? I am so angry!
I’m addressing a couple of posts since my last one..
Catherine, I think that sometimes gay people are not happy with the fact they are gay. I believe that 1 of my children is still not sure of who/what he is. We have conversations that sound like he is fine and others where I leave concerned about his mental well being.
The self-imposed distancing may be insecurity, fear of self or others, and poor self-esteem. Our first Christmas after knowing both boys were gay, only 1 month, was not an easy holiday. We just didn’t seem to be comfortable or relaxed. We’ve come a long way this year. I can tell you that until recently, visits of just a few hours were all my college kid and I seemed to really manage comfortably. Try meeting for lunch and short visits.
John, it truly saddens me that you are so angry. Being a Christian, I encourage you to pray for peace and let the anger go. I’m far more sad about my boys than angry. In fact, I don’t think I ever was angry. I no longer pray that my boys will not be gay. Instead, I pray that they will be the men of God he wants them to be; whatever / whoever that is. Give yourself time, John. The shock of finding out is not surprising and other than turning against and ostracizing someone, just about any other immediate reaction / thought / emotions is acceptable in my view. Just remember, as I’m learning, it is very difficult to take words back.
Gail, unfortunately it sounds like you got multiple problems. We have a lot of mental illness in my family so I have a bit of understanding for what you are going through. However, I don’t think you can let children (or anyone) continually bully you or be constantly disrespectful. That has nothing to do w/ sexuality but I’m sure it’s hard for you to separate all the issues. Also, my children were raised as Christians and the junior in college no longer defines himself as Christian. I hope that some day that he will change but he has become interested in philosophy, other religions, and quite introspective. Though most young college people explore ideas I think no small part of my son’s explorations / conclusions have their root in his insecurity about his sexuality. He is having a hard time reconciling the fact that there are many Christians who don’t hate gays. My closest friends and family are strong Christians and they love my children dearly.
Finally, my youngest (high school age) son has no doubt he is gay. He has repeatedly told me that he does not like the way many gays are portrayed – GAY pride, flamboyant, promiscuous. He is frankly disgusted with that image. No one would know either of my children is gay by looking at them or by the way they interact with others.
Now, finally to Don’t Worry: I wish you well as a parent but I’m still not ready to confront that in our family. Hopefully, that is quite a few years off.
I am 21 yrs old and I have a 18 yr old brother who came out about a year ago and it was really not a big shocker to us that he was gay, I believe I have always known that he was it was just a matter of time before he came out, growing up he was very feminine and was always stealing my clothes and what not, but hes great. I love him with all my heart, same goes for my oldest brother who is 23 and who has not came out to my whole family yet but any ways im just taking it very hard. I feel SAD and angry and betrayed and confused, growing up we were very close and I felt like i knew him and now i see that I just did not know him very well at all, and that hurts. I dont know why there is such a difference in the way i am feeling between my older and younger brothers. I just never imagined in any world that he is , could be, might be , but i know i need to let that go and just deal with the facts but it seems so much harder to me right now than that. Reading these posts have somewhat helped me feel better but i still feel almost like I am greiving my brother, as wrong as that may sound. ( i never did this with my younger one it was just ok , wats for dinner! ) Its just shock right now, i do know that it will wear off but in the mean time i just feel lost and sad … does anyone else feel like this?
Hello:
I am 40 and I came out to my parents when I turned 30. I still struggle with accepting myself and with the fact that my family, although loving, do not want to talk about my personal life.
That has created problems for me in the relationships that I have had as I have never felt the unconditional support and acceptance from my family. It is very hard to not be able to share with your loves ones that part of you that them and yourself cannot completely accept.
So here I am, 40 and alone. Being gay is not easy. Of course I would have loved to have children, come home to a loving wife and children running around me.
What gay people need the most to develop into healthy and sane individuals is to feel the acceptance and love from their families. Love can transform people and the support from the people that we love is all that is needed to feel accepted in this already though world of ours.
My son who is 20 years old just told me tonight that he is gay. It is the middle of the night and I can’t stop crying or thinking or feeling. I didn’t cry in front of him but I am so full of mixed emotions. No one loves him more than I but I feel so empty inside. Will I ever understand it?
I am gay and I have an identical twin brother who is straight. That’s life, sometimes it just thumbs its nose at logic. But it is not why I am writing. I am writing because I read some posts depicting sons/family members as lashing out, secretive, and/or distant. If you did not care you would not have written, but please be open to the chance that these actions may not have anyting to do with you. Maybe it has to do with personal or societal demands that conflict with the core of your gay son/brother’s being. Small, close-knit communities have more social demands and judgments than one cares to admit. Sometimes people who are different and know they are different feel they must hide away or deny themselves in order to fit in. Imagine if you could not be the person you are, how long would it take before that would affect you? A week? A month? A year? A lifetime? Many studies suggest that when people are denied the chance to be themselves they lash out in varying ways- anger, sadness, depression, withdrawl, etc. If a man cannot be who he is, what will he become? Who will he become? If he is led to believe he is judged/hated by others how can he be led to believe he must return respect. This is the core of the Golden Rule: do unto others as you wish to be done unto you. If a man is hurt why would you believe he will not hurt back? If a man is loved, allowed to be himself, and accepted, will he not do the same in kind? Religion is not about sexuality, it is about how you act in the good times as well as bad. Remember, God is omnipotent and omniscient. He made us in the blink of an eye. He created flowers and thorns alike. There is nothing that exists without his consent or full knowledge. Take comfort in that. Being gay is, in essence, no different than being straight. Regardless of gender you must learn to find yourself and how you fit in this world while finding a mate along the way. Allow yourself to see things from this perspective, add a little patience for him to work out his own issues (isn’t that what the teen years are about?) and approach him as an equal. In time things will come together.
My only son at 19 came out to us last month. I am still shocked and saddened. His sister is straight and engaged.
As his father I coached him playing baseball, we went fishing together, basically we did everything together. I cannot believe it. After 5 weeks I no longer cry everyday and have had some time to reflect on it.
To begin, I understand he had no choice in this. The last thing he wanted in life was to tell me he was gay. Because he is not like most other sons I need to love him more. My wife, his mother, feels the same way.
I am still bitter at the circumstance. The odds of a homosexual son are around 3%, 2% for a first born son, (scientifically reviewed studies not political propaganda, Kinsey study, etc…). Why this happened to my only son is hard to accept.
I have much experience with liberal politics and the reality of it from my perspective is that homosexuality is a case of abnormal behavior being peddled as normal so that a minority can feel better about themselves. If homosexuality is “normal” the term loses all validity. The real issue for me is of tolerance.
I know me. I will never accept homosexual behavior as normal and will always prefer not to be exposed to it. I simply find it disgusting and have felt this way my entire life. It’s my preference and moral code. I don’t expect anyone, including my son, to believe as I do, or change. I don’t hate anyone; I never have and never will. I believe as Tennyson once said, “Love is the only gold”. If anything I feel compassion my son and others in his situation. I do however expect others to respect my views and to leave me alone also.
My hope is that my son and I can agree to disagree on this matter and form some kind of relationship based on mutual respect.
Very sad situation. I sympathize with all on this blog.
hi! i am a mother of three gay adults, 2 boys and a girl. being gay is not an illness and it makes me very sad to see how people treat it that way… i have never considered that there is anything wrong with my children they are being true to themselves, unfortunatly in this world of ours not enough of us are. it is only society and programming that says we should be hetrosexual, wheres the freedom of choice in that.. we love our children unconditionally before we find out they are gay.. so what changes? OUR EGOS!!! im sorry if i have offended anyone, it was not my intention.
i have 3 gay chidren in my family i am just gettin round it now cant believe it
Hi I am a mother of 2 gay sons, the oldest at 28 came out when he was 18, although i had guessed for quite a few years before that call it mothers instinct. All friends and family know of his sexualality some except some dont comment my husband and i love him and support him in every way we can and only wish for his happiness.
Last year our youngest son now 25 came out to us this came as a bit of a shock and disappointment as he had been in a straight relashionship with a lovely girl, but as time has gone on we have excepted it and love and support him also. Some people know but not close family if they ask then we will tell them. They both have met wonderful partners which we class as 2 adopted sons, the youngest x girlfriend knows and has stayed good friends. We were disappointed there would be no grandchildren selfish as that may sound but both sons have said never say never, but at the end of the day as long as they stay healthy and happy what more could we ask for.
Angie,
You are a better person than me. It’s been several months now and if anything any chance of accepting my son’s news as normal is gone.
He brought over a new “special friend” to the house and I was mostly sad, but also disgusted. I am not a religious person. Not anymore at least. My take on this is of the indisputable fact that life on earth depends on male-female attraction. Anything other than that is simply an abnormal state. It just is. As John Muir once said “nature is obvious”.
It’s as if I after 19 years I suddenly found out my son had a birth defect. I only wish there would have been some test for this years ago and my wife an I would have had more children. As it is, what’s done is done. My only son is gay. He cannot help who is. If anything I love him more because he is different.
I must say I am still very angry after all these months. In the event there is a God I occasionally even say a “prayer”, it goes like this: Dear God, Screw You. Amen
Hi Joe,
I understand your disapointment, But he is your son and i am sure if you love him in time you will except his sexuality, and if you have read the letters above whos to say if you had, had anymore children they may have been gay too!!!!
Hi, I thought I’d add one or two things to this very worthwhile discussion. I’m a 33 year old gay guy – an only child. I came out in my late 20s but knew I was gay since age 16. My parents do not know I’m gay. I can’t ever tell them about my sexual orientation, unfortunately, because they are old-school, hard-headed conservative people who would definitely treat me like an alien if I were to tell them. They raised me to believe that being gay is “sick”, “abnormal”, and “wrong”….but I guess they didn’t pick up on the hints that their child (me) was constantly dropping. I never brought home girls, never went to prom, and by age 30 had still never dated a girl. They also paid the big bucks (tens of thousands) for me to go to a psychiatrist for a few years…which I guess was to cure me of my homo “tendencies”? Every time I told the psychiatrist of my gay feelings, he said “You’re not homosexual, there’s no way. And you don’t feel anything for other guys, do you?” Well, at that time I wasn’t really chasing ‘em, but I sure wanted to… I was a lonely, miserable, closeted teenager. But psychiatrists don’t “cure” homosexuality anyway…because it’s not even a mental disorder like, for example, OCD. It’s just something that some humans are born with.
My parents finally did give up hope of ever having grandchildren a few years ago. My mom asked me if she should stop hoping for them and I said “yeah, don’t hold your breath, it’s unlikely.” She just went into her room and cried. She’s always acted like I had somehow cheated them out of having a daughter-in-law and
grandkids and many years’ worth of big, happy holiday and birthday celebrations. So I guess it’s all about them, and not me, huh? And that those years of expensive therapy were supposed to magically make me into a husband/father? (oh yeah, my mom also threw that one up to me a few times, too…) Well, therapy or no, it’s hard to be a husband/father if you’re not attracted to women! Unless you adopt kids and/or marry your partner in a state that allows gay marriage.
Anyhoo…I’ve dated guys who have run the entire spectrum as far as being out or closeted. Some never tell anyone, others tell everyone. Some are only out to friends. My current boyfriend is in the same situation I am – he can’t tell his family either. For the exact same reason – his family would turn their
backs on him. He’s also in the Catholic church (where homo relations are NOT accepted kindly.)
Anyhow – to all parents who are having a hard time accepting your
kids being gay – DON’T BE SELFISH. This is not about YOU, it’s about THEM. What feels natural/normal to them may differ from your definition of what is normal but c’mon, this is their sexuality! They didn’t choose their orientation. There are all kinds of theories about gay genes and “parents turning their kids gay”. The gay gene thing, I don’t know. But no parents turn their kids gay, so don’t blame yourself for something that you had nothing to do with anyway. A certain percentage of people are born gay or bi.
It’s just how it is! Most people say 10 percent…I say it’s more like 30-40 (there are tons of closeters out there.)
Last year I dated a guy from a family of five kids…the oldest two are straight and the youngest three are gay. He said, cheerily, “it just runs in the family!” Gay siblings don’t often get along with the straight ones…but that’s another story.
Above all, just love and accept your child/children for who
they are. Life is too short for homophobia and rejection. You brought them into this world in hopes that they’d have a good life (presumably). They’ll love you that much more for your acceptance…and if you don’t, you quite obviously don’t love them and that your needs outweight theirs (excuse my harshness, but it’s true…) I know it is hard for some to accept…you conceive your children expecting that you’re raising hetero kids who will “bless you” with their own offspring and in-laws and whatnot. But it just doesn’t work that way all the time. I wish more parents would go into parenting realizing that their child could be either gay or straight. They’d sure have an easier time with things, once they reach the day that their child tells them they’re gay (or the day their parental intuition tells them that their kid is probably not hetero!)
Take care, all.
Leon from Los Angeles
I posted on this site a while back sharing my thoughts about coming out of the closet knowing that my Brother was already gay… Guess what? IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD! I read through a lot of what people post on here and you act like you have been given a death sentence….being gay isn’t a bad thing and it only will be when you let it…celebrate our differences, don’t cry over them! In a world where horrible things happen to people everyday, be happy that you have your health, eachother and love to count on…God made us this way for a reason, and if he didnt think you or your child could handle it he wouldn’t have bestowed this wonderful gift of difference upon you. So realize that tomorrow is a new day, and there are 364 more of those new days left in every year. Instead of spending them thinking about what could have been or what should be, move on with your life because the world will not sit around and wait for you to cry and be sad that you have a gay child, it too moves on. And don’t worry about what other people have to say about you or your child, YOU didn’t raise your child to “be” gay it’s just how this wonderful game of life works….and trust me it works!
JF-
I rarely post on things like this, because, I guess if you’re used to being silent about your sexuality, the same reaction bleeds into other areas as well.
I read something above about the difficulties of being raised by gay parents above, and as the child of a pair, I think my opinion is rare and might be new to straight parents of gays and to gay couples looking for children, as well.
I was raised most of my life by a single-father who came out when I was a freshman in high school. My mother left when I was a child, and I always thought that was very odd. My dad was always involved with men, and we had a couple of other gays in our family, so being homosexual was nothing new. My dad was crying and afraid that I wouldn’t accept him, nor his boyfriend who had already moved in with us a couple of months before. I honestly didn’t care. I didn’t care that he was gay. I wasn’t angry or thrilled. The point was is that he was my dad and his business was his.
I chose not to tell my dad at this time that I had learned that I was a lesbian, because I didn’t want it to seem like a reaction to his coming out. I had a steady girlfriend throughout high school, and I wasn’t really sure why I never liked boys. I never really sat myself down and said, “You’re a lesbian, you must date females.” I fell in love with a classmate who happened to be a female. In college, I did the same thing… I started putting the pieces together. I guess for some, it’s an easy thing to notice about yourself; but in a small, rural town, where heterosexuality is dominant, you try to fit in at any cost.
As a senior in college, and after being in the closet my entire life. I knew that I had to tell my dad; and since he–himself–was gay, I thought it’d be easier. It wasn’t. I was afraid of hearing, “Don’t make the same mistakes I did!” and blah blah blah. … I took him for a drive in my car. I told him. He laughed and said he’d known for years. I blatantly looked at him when we got to the stop light and asked, “Well, why the hell didn’t you tell me? My life would have been easier If I knew you knew. Laying awake at night, wondering how to tell your parents that you’re not what they expected.”
Even though I had his full acceptance and support, and even though he was gay, he still had the same reaction of protective nature of many [straight] parents regarding hazing, safety, prejudices. “Don’t tell everyone, don’t make the same mistakes I did.” … I tried to explain that my generation is more liberal than his, but he was still very worried that I would end up getting hurt–emotionally or physically.
Throughout high school, my dad and his life-partner would attend my band concerts, sporting events, theatre productions, everything. They were both extensively supportive. My friends all knew my dad was gay before I did. I guess it was so normal to me that it didn’t stick out as, “gay,” I just happened to have two dads. My teachers knew, the whole town figured it out, and even as small and rural as this area is, I’ve never heard a word or experienced discrimination from anyone—even the highly conservative members of our close family who know. They just don’t care.
My dad’s boyfriend was not a substitute for my mother, and I assume that my mother had been out of the picture due to my dad’s homosexuality and he wasn’t ready to tell me at the times when I was younger and curious. I was proud of my two dads and both of them helped raise me. They really were a team effort.
My dad died in February of this year, and before he died, he had always said to, “take care of [his boyfriend's name here] he’s as much of your dad as I am,” and I agreed and I have followed through with that agreement, because I know that they loved each other, and as a child, and as a homosexual, I must respect who they were, even as one leaves the other for another world.
I hope that encourages those of you who want to be grandmothers to children of gays, to homosexual couples looking to have their own children… It’s not impossible. It’s not emotionally damaging. It’s rewarding to have a unique upbringing. It was far better to be the child of two same-sex parents who loved each other than to be the child of two opposite-sex parents who do not. I’m not saying that straight parents don’t love each other, I’m saying that gay parents make damned good ones, too.
P.S. Don’t ask [them] which one is their “real” mom/dad… That’s like asking the child of straight parents, “Which parent is your real parent,” like there’s a fake one… They’re a team as lovers, and they make a considerable team as parents, as well.
Ada-Scarlett.
I must say it helps to read the posts here. From my straight perspective the gay world sometimes looks like an abnormal subculture. However, it appears we are all just trying to all get along in the world based upon who we are.
My main concern is that my son’s “coming out” will be met in the following ways:
Indifference – Some people really don’t care either way. In my experience a minority. Most have an opinion but many choose not to share it. Not worth the hassle.
Quiet Hilarity – Especially among many straight men homosexuality is funny. Two males engaged in a mating ritual is hilarious to some. The futility and absurdity of it all. SNL skits, prison jokes, etc…are everyday examples of this. For these folks gay people are just not be taken seriously. Kind of a circus freak scenario.
Disgust and Hate: In my opinion still around but not on public display as much. These people concentrate on the sexual acts.
The bottom line is my son will need to deal with these types of reactions. We are a tribal society, primates at our core, and being different at such a fundamental level will have consequences. The idea of changing society, etc…is a nice thought, and is possible to some degree, (the younger generation is less openly hostile/more accepting), but make no mistake not being “normal” will never be easy. That’s what kills me about his situation every day. If he were straight his life would be much easier and probably happier.
I’ve researched possible causes wondering if I had anything to do with this issue in his life. It looks increasingly like genetics are not in play. University of Chicago gay twin study has shown nothing of consequence. Latest thinking is some sort of problem in the first trimester of pregnancy.
In any event, it’s an ongoing process trying to go on.
Thanks to all who have posted. I especially appreciated the posts left by gay authors assuring parents that we did not cause our children to be homosexual. I have two wonderful gays sons, and the younger one (17) just came out a few days ago. It was a surprise to me although there had been plenty of hints along the way. I am hoping to continue to love both of my boys unconditionally as I readjust my vision of what the future holds for all of us.