Hi Mary: I discovered my oldest was gay only a few years ago. He’s now 23. I love him dearly, as I do all my boys. However, it was difficult for me to grasp this, but at the same time I told my son I loved and supported him. I guess the difficult part for me was thinking my son won’t have a traditional family life, children, etc. He may be ostracized, made fun of, even though it’s more accepted in today’s world.
The protective mother instinct kicked into gear. We live in a small community and he had moved to a larger city an hour away just before I found out.
When he visits he brings his friend who he’s been with several years. His older friends for the most part know he’s gay. Since he’s been true to who he is, I can see he’s more comfortable with himself and who he is. His confidence level has grown. During his teens he was confused and angry and we never had a clue why, even though our family was close and I took him at 13 for counseling to figure out what was going on.
When I talked with my son and found out, I didn’t talk with my parents, etc., right away, because I could see my son’s comfort level wasn’t confident at that time. And I didn’t feel it was my place to say something. However, my middle son and I knew, we both kind of figured it out at the same time, but I decided to wait to tell my youngest, who was 12 at the time.
I actually went to a psychologist to talk to her about the best way to tell my youngest. Living in a small community, I knew we should tell my youngest so he didn’t hear it from someone else. Kids can be cruel at times. I talked to my oldest son and said I felt it should come from him to talk to his brother. I just told him to not be surprised by any reaction he may get from his brother, but just remember he loved him. It went fine.
My family knows, close friends, and on occasion any one who may mention something about my son I will tell them. I admit to still wondering at times who may know or may not know, but I am proud of my son and if it arises in our small town, I have no problem saying my son is gay. Trust me, you can weed out the ones who really care about your family and the ones who don’t. With one exception, I know of no bad reactions. Their loss.
I had an incident where someone I thought was a friend made derogatory comments about my son and it got back to me. I was furious, but let myself cool down, then simply called the person, let him know I was aware of what he was saying, and told him to simply stop. This was just my way of taking back control for my own sake. Again, the mother instinct.
Someone recently said to me that my son being gay is just who he is, just as me being an independent single mother is who I am. Sometimes, it really is that simple.
I wish you and your family the best, and keep the lines of communication open with your sons, that’s the best you can do.