Parents Of Two Gay Sons Need Feedback – Please Help
Hello, my name is mary and my husband and I have 2 gay sons and 2 straight sons, I think we are pretty much over the shock part, its just trying to really understand the whole picture that is hard,
I found your site and am interested in maybe just feed back from other parents and learning to really be comfortable with the whole picture
thanks
Mary
Hi Mary: I discovered my oldest was gay only a few years ago. He’s now 23. I love him dearly, as I do all my boys. However, it was difficult for me to grasp this, but at the same time I told my son I loved and supported him. I guess the difficult part for me was thinking my son won’t have a traditional family life, children, etc. He may be ostracized, made fun of, even though it’s more accepted in today’s world.
The protective mother instinct kicked into gear. We live in a small community and he had moved to a larger city an hour away just before I found out.
When he visits he brings his friend who he’s been with several years. His older friends for the most part know he’s gay. Since he’s been true to who he is, I can see he’s more comfortable with himself and who he is. His confidence level has grown. During his teens he was confused and angry and we never had a clue why, even though our family was close and I took him at 13 for counseling to figure out what was going on.
When I talked with my son and found out, I didn’t talk with my parents, etc., right away, because I could see my son’s comfort level wasn’t confident at that time. And I didn’t feel it was my place to say something. However, my middle son and I knew, we both kind of figured it out at the same time, but I decided to wait to tell my youngest, who was 12 at the time.
I actually went to a psychologist to talk to her about the best way to tell my youngest. Living in a small community, I knew we should tell my youngest so he didn’t hear it from someone else. Kids can be cruel at times. I talked to my oldest son and said I felt it should come from him to talk to his brother. I just told him to not be surprised by any reaction he may get from his brother, but just remember he loved him. It went fine.
My family knows, close friends, and on occasion any one who may mention something about my son I will tell them. I admit to still wondering at times who may know or may not know, but I am proud of my son and if it arises in our small town, I have no problem saying my son is gay. Trust me, you can weed out the ones who really care about your family and the ones who don’t. With one exception, I know of no bad reactions. Their loss.
I had an incident where someone I thought was a friend made derogatory comments about my son and it got back to me. I was furious, but let myself cool down, then simply called the person, let him know I was aware of what he was saying, and told him to simply stop. This was just my way of taking back control for my own sake. Again, the mother instinct.
Someone recently said to me that my son being gay is just who he is, just as me being an independent single mother is who I am. Sometimes, it really is that simple.
I wish you and your family the best, and keep the lines of communication open with your sons, that’s the best you can do.
First, Thank you for this website and making this so easy to talk to someone. I looked for something like this back (about 6 years ago) to find someone else who had 2 gay sons. I was in shock at first, too. Seemed unfair that I only had 2 sons and both were gay. The youngest told me first, but the oldest told me after I pretty much had figured it out. In the beginning I grieved a lot. As the years have passed, the acceptance is better, and I’ve even told friends whom I felt I could trust. When I talk to my friends who are mothers, I discuss my children’s behavior towards me, but I don’t think their lifestyle plays a part of that. I’ve been thinking lately that conclusion may not be true. Can anyone recommend a book to help me understand my sons’ relationship with me. Does it have anything to do with their lifestyle, or it’s just the way grown men relate to their mothers? It feels unfair to me that I accepted them, but they seem to shut me out. The oldest is in a steady relationship and has been for about 7 or 10 years, I think. I love his partner as a son, too. I just want a family feeling for all of us. Even though I was shocked in the beginning when I found out I would never be a grandmother, and life did not turn out the way I had expected, I felt that family and love was still the most important thing. I thought that was the theme I raised them under, and didn’t even think there was a choice for me to not love them no matter who they decided to love. It seems as my youngest gets older, he gets more distant, and is making his friends his family (and I’ve never met them) more than his birth family. Is there a book you could recommend to help me understand our new relationship, and give me some comfort to learn if it’s his lifestyle, or just his age and gender. I have no “norms” to go by anymore. The way things were for me and my family don’t seem to give me any guidance in my situation. I feel lost and afraid of losing him. I know that some parents reject their children when they are gay, and most gay people want their parents love and acceptance, but it seems in our case the situation is reversed.
I hope I can find your answer.
Thanks again.
My 21 year old son is gay, but he hasn’t told me and he doesn’t know I know. Neither does my husband. I feel it is not my secret to tell. I love my son and would like him to broach the subject with me. He is very masculine and boyish so I know people will find it difficult to grasp. I believe him to be in a relationship with a physically ill and needy man. My son can be irritable and I don’t believe he will ever tell me. My other son is very religous and would have difficulty accepting this, although I know he loves his brother and would offer help and support even though it goes against his religous beliefs. I feel very alone guarding this secret from everyone. I just want to tell my son that I love and accept him, but I can’t.any advice would be gratefully recieved.
I found out my son was gay after he graduated from high school and was at a party and he called me slightly intoxicated, and told me he was gay. I couldn’t breath. but I told him no matter, I loved him anyway. I broke down after handing up the phone and was basically in shock for a few days. He went to a Christian Academy, was an honor student, dated affluent attractive girls, best dressed, most likely to succeed, the whole nine yars, and sang a spiritual song at graduation (a finalist in voice competition). I called my mother and told her what had happened, to this day she still denys that he is gay and says its just a phase he is going through.
I live in a very, very small southern town and what goes on here is public knowledge, I’m also in the Bible Belt. I don;t want to lose my son, he is the apple of my eye. He has since gone to college and vowed never to return. It’s either for me to move to where he is or not acknowledge his sexual preferance. I want him to be happy but I am concerned bercause I have read a lot of information about gay men, the threat of anal cancer, etc. What am I going to do?
G I N A
Hello dear Gina
I m 21 y o boy, and firstly i want to say that ur sons r very LUCKY having an understanding mother like YOU!
and u all gave good things, supports,, if i were ur son i would always LOVE you as a mom, also as a FIRST FRIEND OF ME!
because i learned in my that 21 age that: EVERYBODY,,, YESSS EVERYBODY… EVEN THE CLOSEST FRIENDS , ONE DAY THEY BECOME A VERY STRANGER!!
THE ONLY THING WE HAVE FOREVER, OUR FAMILIES!!
I love all my friends and i m the one that gives the much worth to my FRIENDS !!! but all the same,,, i know that the one who is with me FOREVER is MY FAMILY (EVEN THEY DONT ACCEPT OR THEY DONT WANT TO IMAGINE THAT I M GAY OR BISEXUAL!!)
so i wish i was a friend of ur sons and i would have had a chance to tell what a wrong thing is it NOT TO BE a first friend with a MOM like YOU!!!!
so, please read my message to your sons if u can…
LOVES Dear Perfect Mom!!
N A O M I
Hi Dear Naomi,
i want to tell my comment about ur situation
ur son is in the same age like me so, i think i can understand his feelings very well!
Even u love ur son as he is, i think u should find a good way to tell him ur thoughts because when he ll hear that u and also ur husband knows that he s GAY, he surely will be STRESSED!!
He will have a lot of doubts suddenly about his rest life, what ll happen, my parents know that i m gay, what will change … etc,, a lot of fears or doubts…
I dont know if there is a way to MAKE HIM TO TELL YOU about that… might be u make him to feel that u r very open minded PERSON about gays, bisexuals ; and also very openminded MOM about ur son’s all choosings…
if u give him this relax mother picture, he may open his secrets to you
dont forget, all the people who has got that situations (me also) thinks at least one time to tell everything to a close friend, to FAMILY or just to MOM or to brother-sister…
we think about possibilities,, MAY BE EVERYTHING WILL BE VERY GOOD, MAY BE I LL HAVE A BETTER, MORE RELAX LIFE…ETC
butt thennnnnn
we generally give up telling them because of the rest possibilities:
MAY BE THEY LL HATE ME
MAY BE THEY LL BRING ME PYHSICOLOGIST LIKE A PHYSICOLOGIST ILL (sick)!!!
so, may be the way is not telling him dirrectly that u know everything,,
may be the way is to make ur son feel that u r in the GOOD POSSIBILITIES he ll tell you;)
PS.all i wrote that my thoughts and my experiences of my all life or lifes that i know… so u know u and ur son much! u should decide what to do…
best luck !!!
L I N D A
Dear linda, if i didnt understand ur message wrong, u live in a small town and u have a mother that dont want to believe ur son is gay
ur son is very succesfull one at school or at life generally
…
i think there s nothing going wrong (may be except for u had said that u son is gay to ur mother) because old people’s reactions are generally different on those situations and may be he s irritated that his grandmom knows that he s gay … etc…
but it s ok…
if i were him and u , i wouldnt say more people that i m gay (or my son is gay) because ur son is succesfull one and i wouldnt like to chance his SOCIAL life.. There s a small town that u ve been living in and believe me BEING GAY IN A SMALL TOWN IS VERY VERY DIFFERENT THING THAN BEING GAY IN A BIG(COSMOPOLITAN) CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shortly,,, being gay , living gay life can be left with rest of ur life (social life etc) not saying everybody that u r gay!!!
especially on small towns i would live that way because gay life isnt appear on SMALL TOWNS…!!!
in small towns if u say some people that u r gay it surely will make problem in ur future, in ur job or ur school life etc
thats what i mean, leaving gay life with social life!!!
Hopefully…
F I N A L L Y
i just ve seen the website and i love it! thanks for the website !!!
and here i saw the moms that has sons in my ages,, so i thought sharing my ideas may be helpful!
i hope my messages will help u on some points
and i m sure u cannot understand many feelings of ur son’s or many acts’ meanings of u sons’…
if u need to ask anything , i ll try to help u because i m living the same situations and i m 21 y o, so i can understand ur sons’s situations better:))
if u ask something TO ME:: on the messages top write ::
TO CONQUEROR
or
CONQUEROR
(like i did on my answers)
Thanks…
You might like what was expressed on my news commentary blog, Curtis On The News regarding proposition 8 and homosexual rights.
Regards,
Curt
Help – my ex husband came out of the closet after leaving me for another woman. I was left to raise my wonderful son for 11 years with very little help from the ex. Now my 17 year old son told me he thinks he’s gay. I told him – I love him and will support him. And I will, even in out ultra- conservative area (especially) here. I just have these self doubts thinking that it might have been something I have done, but maybe he’s just gay, like his father. I just want him, healthy, happy and safe.
Hey Rebecca,
I am a gay son. I am 18 years old and going to college to be a teacher. I am currently engaged and I think i can help you with a lot of your questions. Feel free to email me.
I too, have 2 gay sons.
Hi Amabel…I thought I was the only mother that has two gay sons. Do you have two only sons like me?
My problem is, my sons do not get into relationships. I’ve never seen other friends with them? I’m sad as I will not be a nana. I long for grandchildren very, very much. I love my sons both the same. They are really wonderful friends and both would do anything for me. I give them plenty of hugs, and kisses.
I sometimes wonder if I went wrong in bringing up my two boys in private schools? Or, is a gene in the family responsible for having both sons gay? Does the gene come from me or their fathers side of the family???
I have always been a protective Mum.
At a loss….Judy
I am a parent of two gay children, a son and a daughter. Both were a surprise to me, I never had any feelings that they might be gay. I adore my children, they are wonderful human beings. They are fine people who are getting the most of life.
There is an adjustment for parents who find out their child (children) are gay, but the overriding feeling is that these are the wonderful people I have loved. always.
If there are any parents going through this who would like to talk, contact me.
To the parent of two gay children.(son and daughter) This was a surprise to me as well. I have had to come to terms that I will never be a nana. That hurts. I love my two sons unconditionally. I know this was never their choise of lifestyle, rather, I have had to accept that this is a gene that comes through the generations. We made them what they are today. Yes…it is a big adjustment indeed.
Judy
My oldest son is gay and has many mental issues. Now my 20 year old just got into trouble with the police and informed us he is also gay. My husband will never except this lifestyle. I know my first son is gone and now I will lose my yongest. How can you sit and listen to their stories ans allow those actions in your home. I love both of my sons and have told them. But i know their lifestyle will never be excepted by my family. This is absolutely tearing my marriage and family apart. I am ashamed of the way they have handled themselves and getting into trouble. What can I possibly do to get this family back together? Why does the mental illness and troubles come with being gay?
My husband and I have two sons. Both are gay. I wish I had found this website 12 years ago when my first son came out at age 18. I was desperately looking for a support group, not because I couldn’t accept my son’s sexual orientation (my husband and I told him we loved him and were proud of him and that would never change…and two years later we had a similar conversation when our second son came out); I wanted to talk with other parents because I was so angry at the homophobic world we live in. Every day it seemed like I would hear jokes or stupid comments, at work, on tv, everywhere. Every time, it felt like a knife in my heart. I made it pretty clear to my friends and family that I had zero tolerance for anti-gay comments/attitudes. The workplace was a different matter. I had to keep my mouth shut and was miserable. But over the years, it became easier. I guess I had to develop thicker skin. But I still get angry at the homophobia that is still all too prevalent. Anyone else feeling the same things?
Hi Teddie…I’ve never spoken to anyone who has two gay sons like me.So thanks.You are fortunate indeed that your first son came out at the age of 18.My first son came out at age 38.I wished I could have enjoyed his different way of life style earlier. Like you, we love him unconditionally, he is such a charmer. The other son has yet to come out to us, but we can tell he is gay also. Yes, those jokes are a stab in the heart for me too. I believe that the so called….homophobic world is a new tag in todays society. We never used to hear so much as a twinkle in my days. I put it down to the way the world has made each and everyone of us closer. With todays technology we have. We appear to ask more questions.We are well informed regarding what goes on in the world. I keep a closed mouth regarding my sons sexual lifestyle, no relations know, no friends of ours know either. This way the conversation never developes into a topic. I understand you in every way, it’s hard – this I know. Please feel love towards your sons and be there for them as a close friend. I do.
Judy
We have a gay son. It’s our job as parents to let them know that your home is welcome to everyone. It’s not about us..if it is, this means you still care what other people think. Our son is and will always be funny, sassy, creative, hard working, handsome, likes to hunt, golf, cook, bike ect…he just happens to be gay. NOBODY CARES! So stop making this your concern. Just be there for him, just like you would be there for your other children!!!!!!!
Hello, all. I’ll be checking this site regularly to see what’s happening. This is going to be a long one because I’m introducing myself and working my way through things. I am the mother of 2 gay sons; no other children. I’ve found out about both in the last 6 months.
I found out my 16 year old is gay by accident??? Maybe Freud’s theory was at work. D had left an e-mail up on the computer and when I saw it the word “gay” jumped out at me. He was asking a female friend if there would be any other gay guys at a party. I flipped out, screamed (my dogs thought I was crazy), got on my knees and prayed, threw up, called a friend, and when my husband finally got home, had him read the e-mail. When he picked my son up, D said that at least now he wouldn’t have to tell us he was gay. We told him that we love him and I was calm when we talked. He behaved as if he was letting us know that his eyes were brown rather than that he is gay. We talked a while that night and moved forward with regular life; rather hesitantly at first. With D’s blessing and non-challant attitude I told my sister, my parents (I was in line to take care of my mother after surgery and they absolutely would have known something was up, one friend and my other son. When I told my second son, 19 years old, I made a comment that if he was gay, I’d flip out. He laughed; not his natural laugh, but one I noticed as being different. As a couple of months went by I altered between depression, acceptance, and normal life.
Now for number 2 son. Three months later my eldest son invited me to a late movie. I was already in bed and he was pushing me to go. I knew before we got in the car something was up. He told me that he is gay and that he had considered himself homophobic. He is a first year at UGA and said that he realized a gay person doesn’t have to be flamboyant. The initial impression he gave me was that he wasn’t happy about being gay, didn’t want to hurt us. His personal feelings about being gay were very different from his younger brother’s.
I’m continuing to learn to cope. Most days I don’t dwell on the issue; some days I can think of little else; and I go through periods of sadness, depression, related to what I expected from my later years.
Enough for now. I hope to stay in touch with people.
By the way, new book out and I talked w/ the author who has 2 gay sons. It is called “Ready or Not… by P and Hjordy Wagner.
Hello everyone,
My mom has two Gay sons, My older borhter who is 27 and I am the other one, 23. She does not know this yet but will soon find out. There is nothing easy about any of this for any person involved, especially when love is a factor. I have told all of my friends with much ease, even my brothers and sisters, but the “Parents” still seem to pose this problem of sorts. Many nights I lie awake trying to think about how I am going to tell my parents, how they are going to be hurt, what they will think of me,etc. etc. but I know deep down in my heart of hearts that my parents will love and accept the person that I am. As I read through some of the other posts I noticed that some parents are blaming themselves for their sons being gay because they didn’t raise their children right! BOLOGNA, I have a BA in education,a masters In linguistics and a teaching credential, I was provided with everything I needed and was brought up just like the kids next door. We are what we are because we were born this way and God wouldn’t have given you one gay child, let alone 2, if he didnt think you were strong enough to handle what society has to say about it. Know that you did nothing wrong and that you need not apologize to anyone; be glad that your child trusts you enough to share their “secret” with you. Be loving, accepting, supportive, and encouraging. Be open and ask questions because the only way you can fail as a parent is to not be their for your child! As I write this I hope my mother and father will love me like they did last week when they thought I was straight, and I hope you all find it within yourselves to love your children unconditionally, because I think the Beatles said it best, “All you need is love,” and when you have that, nothing else matters…
-Jake-
My 17 yr. old boy things he is gay or bi. He has a girlfriend and he says he has feelings for her. He told his brother he is gay, and not me. I love him no matter what and I just want him to know that, but I am afraid to let him know. He says he has feelings for the girl, but he has had crushes in the past with boys but never acted on them?
I always thought it was normal to sometimes be attracted to the same sex? I feel at a loss at how to deal with this and let him know, I will always love him..and do not have a problem with whatever his preference is.
any thoughts, I welcome them.
I too seem to be a “midnight poster” – a parent who has recently been told the news and is still in shock. I am feeling better after having been to your site and finding I am not alone. Does anyone else find it disconcerting that you have an ad posted for “Hot. Gay. Men.” I mean, seriously? You are, on the one hand, helping us cope with “the news” and seem to understand it is traumatizing even for those of us who are trying to be supportive and loving to our children. On the other hand, I feel like you are flaunting the promiscuity of gay men in our faces with the ads. Like many parents trying to cope with this, I differentiate between a loving, committed same sex relationship and out and out hedonism. I think I can come to terms with the former, eventually but not with the later be it between hetero or gay people. Please consider removing the ads.
I am a gay boy and i am 15 and i came out to my parent when i was 12 it was hard for them and they thought that i was mentally ill. Yeah coming out was my hardest part of my life i felt alone at school and every guy there hated me and wanted me dead i was failing and having trouble but now that i am done with middle school and now off to high school i fell more confident with myself and i am wanting to tell my entire family even my birth mother but my other mother says its not a good idea. and she always ask me why i want to tell everyone i say because i fell better with myself if i did and my brothers and sisters know that im gay and they told me that they love me for who i am and will always love me!! i am staring to feel more confident with myself!!! thanks to this website i found out some interesting stuff on kids who had a hard time telling there parents and i now know im not alone!!!!!!
Hello all,
First off: I am a 25 year old gay man, out, and damn proud! I think what worries mom’s the most – it did mine – was the fact of how I would be persecuted, or ridiculed, as well as the idea of being a grandmother. Here is a first hand experience.
I was in the closet for many years and I lead a heterosexual life: I played sports, trained as a pilot and did all the typical male things including date girls. The dating was certainly more than just dating, but in hindsight it didn’t feel right. I never wanted children, simply I thought they were a burden and an income drain (haha). But when I was 20, I met someone, and he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I knew then because he was ‘out’ that I needed to make the move. The opposite reaction ensued from my parents, my father a retired airline pilot was completely open and relaxed and said he had known for some time; my mother, a doctor, took it very hard and was shocked. Not because she could not accept my being gay, but because she thought about all the things she would not get to do as a mother/ grandmother. My parents now accept me completely, along with my boyfriend who is now part of my family..as am I part of his wonderful family. We will most likely be married (as long as it stays legal here in Canada) and more than ever now I would love to have children and share the love of two parents with a child who needs it. So to the moms out there, support your children and the odds are that they will have the desire later in life for a stable, monogamous relationship and to be parents.
To the people who don’t understand – I am from heterosexual parents; my boyfriend is; and we both had a wonderful and affluent up bringing – NOTHING can change the fact that we are gay; let alone 2 of our respective siblings are as well.
Not one single thing.
So my advice to parents everywhere, accept your children as they are, period. You cannot change them and it is wrong to try. Life is too short to miss out on your child’s life – and if you cannot accept them, don’t try to change them, change yourself.
I wish you all the best luck in your journeys.
I posted earlier at a difficult time in my journey as a parent of 2 gay sons. As the one year anniversary of finding about first gay son I was anticipating some big time depression. I am thrilled to say that it didnt’ happen. I’ve had 2 months in which I have not dwelt on the issue. At the moment I’m only dealing w/ the typical issues of having a 17 year-old know-it-all at home.
One issue we did have to tackle since we have one gay child still at home was whether or not he would be allowed to spend the night w/ friends. I was prepared to discuss this months ago but my husband was hoping to avoid it and any accompanying conflict. To make a long story short, D had already given a great deal of thought to the matter and understood that we would not support or allow him to spend the night at anyone’s where he was interested sexually in someone. of course, unless we deny all overnights, this is difficult. I must say that having a gay teen at home is not easy because there are things that we would have to handle w/ a straight son.
The other thing I’ve discovered is how secretive the gay world and friends of gays can be. I feel at times like my children live in a secret world. My eldest son is opening the door but I have been struck how long young people maintain such trust and silence amongst themselves – the gay and the straight who are their friends.
To “Don’t Worry” I can respect your decision about wanting children but I hope you and your partner will give intense consideration to the trials that will come a child’s way. As a parent and a school teacher I’m familiar w/ the struggles that many children suffer for a variety of reasons. Having two gay parents will present no small amount of stress for a child – at any age. At the moment, I can’t imagine what it will be like if I have to learn how to be a granmother in that position. One day, or one issue at a time.
Kimberly,
Well, it’s no easy road for anybody, but that’s life. And life is full of mystery and wonder, that’s actually the beauty in it.
With respect to children, yes I fear that my children will someday be persecuted for having two Dad’s, but as much as I can help it I will be there every step of the way to protect them by educating them early on. Those kids will never want or need for anything…especially love. My family and friends, who with the exception of a few, are entirely straight are already starting the road to parenthood and they cannot wait for us to start it as well. Albeit, a little bit longer road for us, but I am not worried. We are both in medicine and have our priorities set out. We have a ‘game plan’ we’re sticking too, and our families are around us 100%. I am not going to spend my days worrying about how my kids may be ridiculed; we’re going to raise them to be good, honest, educated kids like our parents did – we have the same expectations as our parents did for us.
And your job as a grandmother would be to smother those kids with love, they are not yours to raise and all you can expect is to have those grand kids raised as you raised your own son. You won’t have to learn to be a grandmother ‘in that position’, you just need to learn to be a grandmother..period. Nothing will ever stop me from wanting kids, and if there are still narrow minded people who think that a gay couple can’t raise kids, that’s their bigoted opinion. And should anyone harass our children, God help them because we would drag them through every court in the land until they were toast. Ask any parent on here, anyone of them would go to the ends of the world for their kids — that’s what being a good parent is about.
And yes, your son is young so give it time and everything will start to look clearer. I have asked my parents time after time about their feelings and it was only after a few years of my being out, that they let it all go – the fears, anxiety, depression.
I really do wish you the best; you sound like good parents and I have profound respect for educators.
My best to you.
I know I ought to be utterly cool that my son wants his friend (he’s bi but the current interest is a guy) to come and stay, I’m a social worker for goodness’ sake. But honestly, I’m not cool. What he does at college is his business, he’s an adult,but we live in a small town and have already had enough harassment from the local oiks due to No 2 son being autistic and having extremely odd behaviours. I honestly don’t want to paint another dirty great target on our family – we have an unusual name and EVERYONE knows who we are and where we live. I’ve left the church but my husband still goes, I can tell he is dreading the folk (conservative evangelicals) there finding out – there go most if not all of our friendships…not to mention No. 2 son lives with his foot in his mouth and has no internal censor so the chances of keeping it to ourselves are zero.
But presumably we can’t say no?
HI all,
I have been searching a few sites recently trying to understand the dynamics within my family who are very close, since finding out my sisters son is gay. This is probably going to be the one and only time I will post on the subject due to the fact I am perplexed by the whole issue. I was inspired to write having read the post from the lady who was worried about the fact she had accepted her son was gay, but was feeling it was him who was distancing himself from her, rather than the other way round. This is exactly what we are experiencing within our extended family. We all love and accept my sisters gay son, he is the one who is intent on distancing himself. I understand he needs to relate and connect with people of his own orientation,so do we all. I am angry though, due to the fact there is so much commotion regarding gay people not being accepted and there are people like my family and probably many other families, who find it is the gay person who rejects them.I say to all gay people, when you complain about acceptance,please look to your own community first and perhaps educate them to be more inclusive!
Both my sons are gay..I am taking it really hard…My younger son is bullied all the time and threatened..The police do nothing about it!bI a stressed my son is nasty to me..He also has Bi Polar….Most of the time he is the manic stage..refused medication…he doesn’t understand that I am suffering also with all this…For him it is all about HIM.
In fact when I look back it has always been this way…he was kid who was rude all the time…no manners even though I taught him them..I have to deal with perversion in my home all the time…This creeps me out! I have accepted what my son is.. I don’t have to agree with it !
I don’t bother him about it but he shoves it in my face all the time! What I don’t get and never will is how they can call it gay pride day..when it is obvious they have no pride..parading all over the streets half naked and even some in diapers….is that pride?
NO ! Why do they have to advertise what they are….us heterosexuals don’t advertise and have parades!….I don’t understand all this at all..it makes no sense to me at all! Truth is most gays I know are promiscuous and into porn and sleep around….again where is the pride? my older son when he first came out that he was gay had the same experience..In fact he cried to me and told me that all gays are perverts..and he was gay himself….years later being around that gay influence he himself became like them… now he is OK with porn, sleeping around…etc… Maybe if the gay community were more respectful people might take them serious! Some of you might think I am harsh..but I am truthful and honest…. and more people, should be! I am having a very bad experience with my sons….I am about to walk away for good out of their lives….I love them but this is hurting me so much I suffer depression everyday and feel ill!…
I want a normal life!!!!!!!
By the way…my sons are distancing me..I never hear from my older son…he wants nothing to do with me! He hates me because I am Christian and always mocking God in front of me..my younger son is doing the same now…and he was once a believer also! His first gay experience was when his older brother molested him at about 8-9 years old….now he is Gay…come on! Give me a break! I think I am losing my mind and my health over this mess! I met a wonderful and and plan to start a new life in the next year or so with him….He accepts my two sons and says he loves them also.. But I want to move far away and move on with my life…my two sons made their beds now they can lay in it…. No reason I should have to suffer because of their choices!
I just found out my brother was gay last night and I am SO ANGRY. We are a christian family who knows that this is a life of sin. This is going to tear my parents apart. They have worked to give hime everything and at the age of 21 says…oh “im gay” When I asked him”how long have you known this” he DID NOT say my whole life..just “when I saw this guy” (now his boyfriend. I fell he is confused, and making a big mistake. What should I do/say? I am so angry!
I’m addressing a couple of posts since my last one..
Catherine, I think that sometimes gay people are not happy with the fact they are gay. I believe that 1 of my children is still not sure of who/what he is. We have conversations that sound like he is fine and others where I leave concerned about his mental well being.
The self-imposed distancing may be insecurity, fear of self or others, and poor self-esteem. Our first Christmas after knowing both boys were gay, only 1 month, was not an easy holiday. We just didn’t seem to be comfortable or relaxed. We’ve come a long way this year. I can tell you that until recently, visits of just a few hours were all my college kid and I seemed to really manage comfortably. Try meeting for lunch and short visits.
John, it truly saddens me that you are so angry. Being a Christian, I encourage you to pray for peace and let the anger go. I’m far more sad about my boys than angry. In fact, I don’t think I ever was angry. I no longer pray that my boys will not be gay. Instead, I pray that they will be the men of God he wants them to be; whatever / whoever that is. Give yourself time, John. The shock of finding out is not surprising and other than turning against and ostracizing someone, just about any other immediate reaction / thought / emotions is acceptable in my view. Just remember, as I’m learning, it is very difficult to take words back.
Gail, unfortunately it sounds like you got multiple problems. We have a lot of mental illness in my family so I have a bit of understanding for what you are going through. However, I don’t think you can let children (or anyone) continually bully you or be constantly disrespectful. That has nothing to do w/ sexuality but I’m sure it’s hard for you to separate all the issues. Also, my children were raised as Christians and the junior in college no longer defines himself as Christian. I hope that some day that he will change but he has become interested in philosophy, other religions, and quite introspective. Though most young college people explore ideas I think no small part of my son’s explorations / conclusions have their root in his insecurity about his sexuality. He is having a hard time reconciling the fact that there are many Christians who don’t hate gays. My closest friends and family are strong Christians and they love my children dearly.
Finally, my youngest (high school age) son has no doubt he is gay. He has repeatedly told me that he does not like the way many gays are portrayed – GAY pride, flamboyant, promiscuous. He is frankly disgusted with that image. No one would know either of my children is gay by looking at them or by the way they interact with others.
Now, finally to Don’t Worry: I wish you well as a parent but I’m still not ready to confront that in our family. Hopefully, that is quite a few years off.
I am 21 yrs old and I have a 18 yr old brother who came out about a year ago and it was really not a big shocker to us that he was gay, I believe I have always known that he was it was just a matter of time before he came out, growing up he was very feminine and was always stealing my clothes and what not, but hes great. I love him with all my heart, same goes for my oldest brother who is 23 and who has not came out to my whole family yet but any ways im just taking it very hard. I feel SAD and angry and betrayed and confused, growing up we were very close and I felt like i knew him and now i see that I just did not know him very well at all, and that hurts. I dont know why there is such a difference in the way i am feeling between my older and younger brothers. I just never imagined in any world that he is , could be, might be , but i know i need to let that go and just deal with the facts but it seems so much harder to me right now than that. Reading these posts have somewhat helped me feel better but i still feel almost like I am greiving my brother, as wrong as that may sound. ( i never did this with my younger one it was just ok , wats for dinner! ) Its just shock right now, i do know that it will wear off but in the mean time i just feel lost and sad … does anyone else feel like this?
Hello:
I am 40 and I came out to my parents when I turned 30. I still struggle with accepting myself and with the fact that my family, although loving, do not want to talk about my personal life.
That has created problems for me in the relationships that I have had as I have never felt the unconditional support and acceptance from my family. It is very hard to not be able to share with your loves ones that part of you that them and yourself cannot completely accept.
So here I am, 40 and alone. Being gay is not easy. Of course I would have loved to have children, come home to a loving wife and children running around me.
What gay people need the most to develop into healthy and sane individuals is to feel the acceptance and love from their families. Love can transform people and the support from the people that we love is all that is needed to feel accepted in this already though world of ours.
My son who is 20 years old just told me tonight that he is gay. It is the middle of the night and I can’t stop crying or thinking or feeling. I didn’t cry in front of him but I am so full of mixed emotions. No one loves him more than I but I feel so empty inside. Will I ever understand it?
I am gay and I have an identical twin brother who is straight. That’s life, sometimes it just thumbs its nose at logic. But it is not why I am writing. I am writing because I read some posts depicting sons/family members as lashing out, secretive, and/or distant. If you did not care you would not have written, but please be open to the chance that these actions may not have anyting to do with you. Maybe it has to do with personal or societal demands that conflict with the core of your gay son/brother’s being. Small, close-knit communities have more social demands and judgments than one cares to admit. Sometimes people who are different and know they are different feel they must hide away or deny themselves in order to fit in. Imagine if you could not be the person you are, how long would it take before that would affect you? A week? A month? A year? A lifetime? Many studies suggest that when people are denied the chance to be themselves they lash out in varying ways- anger, sadness, depression, withdrawl, etc. If a man cannot be who he is, what will he become? Who will he become? If he is led to believe he is judged/hated by others how can he be led to believe he must return respect. This is the core of the Golden Rule: do unto others as you wish to be done unto you. If a man is hurt why would you believe he will not hurt back? If a man is loved, allowed to be himself, and accepted, will he not do the same in kind? Religion is not about sexuality, it is about how you act in the good times as well as bad. Remember, God is omnipotent and omniscient. He made us in the blink of an eye. He created flowers and thorns alike. There is nothing that exists without his consent or full knowledge. Take comfort in that. Being gay is, in essence, no different than being straight. Regardless of gender you must learn to find yourself and how you fit in this world while finding a mate along the way. Allow yourself to see things from this perspective, add a little patience for him to work out his own issues (isn’t that what the teen years are about?) and approach him as an equal. In time things will come together.
My only son at 19 came out to us last month. I am still shocked and saddened. His sister is straight and engaged.
As his father I coached him playing baseball, we went fishing together, basically we did everything together. I cannot believe it. After 5 weeks I no longer cry everyday and have had some time to reflect on it.
To begin, I understand he had no choice in this. The last thing he wanted in life was to tell me he was gay. Because he is not like most other sons I need to love him more. My wife, his mother, feels the same way.
I am still bitter at the circumstance. The odds of a homosexual son are around 3%, 2% for a first born son, (scientifically reviewed studies not political propaganda, Kinsey study, etc…). Why this happened to my only son is hard to accept.
I have much experience with liberal politics and the reality of it from my perspective is that homosexuality is a case of abnormal behavior being peddled as normal so that a minority can feel better about themselves. If homosexuality is “normal” the term loses all validity. The real issue for me is of tolerance.
I know me. I will never accept homosexual behavior as normal and will always prefer not to be exposed to it. I simply find it disgusting and have felt this way my entire life. It’s my preference and moral code. I don’t expect anyone, including my son, to believe as I do, or change. I don’t hate anyone; I never have and never will. I believe as Tennyson once said, “Love is the only gold”. If anything I feel compassion my son and others in his situation. I do however expect others to respect my views and to leave me alone also.
My hope is that my son and I can agree to disagree on this matter and form some kind of relationship based on mutual respect.
Very sad situation. I sympathize with all on this blog.
hi! i am a mother of three gay adults, 2 boys and a girl. being gay is not an illness and it makes me very sad to see how people treat it that way… i have never considered that there is anything wrong with my children they are being true to themselves, unfortunatly in this world of ours not enough of us are. it is only society and programming that says we should be hetrosexual, wheres the freedom of choice in that.. we love our children unconditionally before we find out they are gay.. so what changes? OUR EGOS!!! im sorry if i have offended anyone, it was not my intention.
i have 3 gay chidren in my family i am just gettin round it now cant believe it
Hi I am a mother of 2 gay sons, the oldest at 28 came out when he was 18, although i had guessed for quite a few years before that call it mothers instinct. All friends and family know of his sexualality some except some dont comment my husband and i love him and support him in every way we can and only wish for his happiness.
Last year our youngest son now 25 came out to us this came as a bit of a shock and disappointment as he had been in a straight relashionship with a lovely girl, but as time has gone on we have excepted it and love and support him also. Some people know but not close family if they ask then we will tell them. They both have met wonderful partners which we class as 2 adopted sons, the youngest x girlfriend knows and has stayed good friends. We were disappointed there would be no grandchildren selfish as that may sound but both sons have said never say never, but at the end of the day as long as they stay healthy and happy what more could we ask for.
Angie,
You are a better person than me. It’s been several months now and if anything any chance of accepting my son’s news as normal is gone.
He brought over a new “special friend” to the house and I was mostly sad, but also disgusted. I am not a religious person. Not anymore at least. My take on this is of the indisputable fact that life on earth depends on male-female attraction. Anything other than that is simply an abnormal state. It just is. As John Muir once said “nature is obvious”.
It’s as if I after 19 years I suddenly found out my son had a birth defect. I only wish there would have been some test for this years ago and my wife an I would have had more children. As it is, what’s done is done. My only son is gay. He cannot help who is. If anything I love him more because he is different.
I must say I am still very angry after all these months. In the event there is a God I occasionally even say a “prayer”, it goes like this: Dear God, Screw You. Amen
Hi Joe,
I understand your disapointment, But he is your son and i am sure if you love him in time you will except his sexuality, and if you have read the letters above whos to say if you had, had anymore children they may have been gay too!!!!
Hi, I thought I’d add one or two things to this very worthwhile discussion. I’m a 33 year old gay guy – an only child. I came out in my late 20s but knew I was gay since age 16. My parents do not know I’m gay. I can’t ever tell them about my sexual orientation, unfortunately, because they are old-school, hard-headed conservative people who would definitely treat me like an alien if I were to tell them. They raised me to believe that being gay is “sick”, “abnormal”, and “wrong”….but I guess they didn’t pick up on the hints that their child (me) was constantly dropping. I never brought home girls, never went to prom, and by age 30 had still never dated a girl. They also paid the big bucks (tens of thousands) for me to go to a psychiatrist for a few years…which I guess was to cure me of my homo “tendencies”? Every time I told the psychiatrist of my gay feelings, he said “You’re not homosexual, there’s no way. And you don’t feel anything for other guys, do you?” Well, at that time I wasn’t really chasing ‘em, but I sure wanted to… I was a lonely, miserable, closeted teenager. But psychiatrists don’t “cure” homosexuality anyway…because it’s not even a mental disorder like, for example, OCD. It’s just something that some humans are born with.
My parents finally did give up hope of ever having grandchildren a few years ago. My mom asked me if she should stop hoping for them and I said “yeah, don’t hold your breath, it’s unlikely.” She just went into her room and cried. She’s always acted like I had somehow cheated them out of having a daughter-in-law and
grandkids and many years’ worth of big, happy holiday and birthday celebrations. So I guess it’s all about them, and not me, huh? And that those years of expensive therapy were supposed to magically make me into a husband/father? (oh yeah, my mom also threw that one up to me a few times, too…) Well, therapy or no, it’s hard to be a husband/father if you’re not attracted to women! Unless you adopt kids and/or marry your partner in a state that allows gay marriage.
Anyhoo…I’ve dated guys who have run the entire spectrum as far as being out or closeted. Some never tell anyone, others tell everyone. Some are only out to friends. My current boyfriend is in the same situation I am – he can’t tell his family either. For the exact same reason – his family would turn their
backs on him. He’s also in the Catholic church (where homo relations are NOT accepted kindly.)
Anyhow – to all parents who are having a hard time accepting your
kids being gay – DON’T BE SELFISH. This is not about YOU, it’s about THEM. What feels natural/normal to them may differ from your definition of what is normal but c’mon, this is their sexuality! They didn’t choose their orientation. There are all kinds of theories about gay genes and “parents turning their kids gay”. The gay gene thing, I don’t know. But no parents turn their kids gay, so don’t blame yourself for something that you had nothing to do with anyway. A certain percentage of people are born gay or bi.
It’s just how it is! Most people say 10 percent…I say it’s more like 30-40 (there are tons of closeters out there.)
Last year I dated a guy from a family of five kids…the oldest two are straight and the youngest three are gay. He said, cheerily, “it just runs in the family!” Gay siblings don’t often get along with the straight ones…but that’s another story.
Above all, just love and accept your child/children for who
they are. Life is too short for homophobia and rejection. You brought them into this world in hopes that they’d have a good life (presumably). They’ll love you that much more for your acceptance…and if you don’t, you quite obviously don’t love them and that your needs outweight theirs (excuse my harshness, but it’s true…) I know it is hard for some to accept…you conceive your children expecting that you’re raising hetero kids who will “bless you” with their own offspring and in-laws and whatnot. But it just doesn’t work that way all the time. I wish more parents would go into parenting realizing that their child could be either gay or straight. They’d sure have an easier time with things, once they reach the day that their child tells them they’re gay (or the day their parental intuition tells them that their kid is probably not hetero!)
Take care, all.
Leon from Los Angeles
I posted on this site a while back sharing my thoughts about coming out of the closet knowing that my Brother was already gay… Guess what? IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD! I read through a lot of what people post on here and you act like you have been given a death sentence….being gay isn’t a bad thing and it only will be when you let it…celebrate our differences, don’t cry over them! In a world where horrible things happen to people everyday, be happy that you have your health, eachother and love to count on…God made us this way for a reason, and if he didnt think you or your child could handle it he wouldn’t have bestowed this wonderful gift of difference upon you. So realize that tomorrow is a new day, and there are 364 more of those new days left in every year. Instead of spending them thinking about what could have been or what should be, move on with your life because the world will not sit around and wait for you to cry and be sad that you have a gay child, it too moves on. And don’t worry about what other people have to say about you or your child, YOU didn’t raise your child to “be” gay it’s just how this wonderful game of life works….and trust me it works!
JF-
I rarely post on things like this, because, I guess if you’re used to being silent about your sexuality, the same reaction bleeds into other areas as well.
I read something above about the difficulties of being raised by gay parents above, and as the child of a pair, I think my opinion is rare and might be new to straight parents of gays and to gay couples looking for children, as well.
I was raised most of my life by a single-father who came out when I was a freshman in high school. My mother left when I was a child, and I always thought that was very odd. My dad was always involved with men, and we had a couple of other gays in our family, so being homosexual was nothing new. My dad was crying and afraid that I wouldn’t accept him, nor his boyfriend who had already moved in with us a couple of months before. I honestly didn’t care. I didn’t care that he was gay. I wasn’t angry or thrilled. The point was is that he was my dad and his business was his.
I chose not to tell my dad at this time that I had learned that I was a lesbian, because I didn’t want it to seem like a reaction to his coming out. I had a steady girlfriend throughout high school, and I wasn’t really sure why I never liked boys. I never really sat myself down and said, “You’re a lesbian, you must date females.” I fell in love with a classmate who happened to be a female. In college, I did the same thing… I started putting the pieces together. I guess for some, it’s an easy thing to notice about yourself; but in a small, rural town, where heterosexuality is dominant, you try to fit in at any cost.
As a senior in college, and after being in the closet my entire life. I knew that I had to tell my dad; and since he–himself–was gay, I thought it’d be easier. It wasn’t. I was afraid of hearing, “Don’t make the same mistakes I did!” and blah blah blah. … I took him for a drive in my car. I told him. He laughed and said he’d known for years. I blatantly looked at him when we got to the stop light and asked, “Well, why the hell didn’t you tell me? My life would have been easier If I knew you knew. Laying awake at night, wondering how to tell your parents that you’re not what they expected.”
Even though I had his full acceptance and support, and even though he was gay, he still had the same reaction of protective nature of many [straight] parents regarding hazing, safety, prejudices. “Don’t tell everyone, don’t make the same mistakes I did.” … I tried to explain that my generation is more liberal than his, but he was still very worried that I would end up getting hurt–emotionally or physically.
Throughout high school, my dad and his life-partner would attend my band concerts, sporting events, theatre productions, everything. They were both extensively supportive. My friends all knew my dad was gay before I did. I guess it was so normal to me that it didn’t stick out as, “gay,” I just happened to have two dads. My teachers knew, the whole town figured it out, and even as small and rural as this area is, I’ve never heard a word or experienced discrimination from anyone—even the highly conservative members of our close family who know. They just don’t care.
My dad’s boyfriend was not a substitute for my mother, and I assume that my mother had been out of the picture due to my dad’s homosexuality and he wasn’t ready to tell me at the times when I was younger and curious. I was proud of my two dads and both of them helped raise me. They really were a team effort.
My dad died in February of this year, and before he died, he had always said to, “take care of [his boyfriend's name here] he’s as much of your dad as I am,” and I agreed and I have followed through with that agreement, because I know that they loved each other, and as a child, and as a homosexual, I must respect who they were, even as one leaves the other for another world.
I hope that encourages those of you who want to be grandmothers to children of gays, to homosexual couples looking to have their own children… It’s not impossible. It’s not emotionally damaging. It’s rewarding to have a unique upbringing. It was far better to be the child of two same-sex parents who loved each other than to be the child of two opposite-sex parents who do not. I’m not saying that straight parents don’t love each other, I’m saying that gay parents make damned good ones, too.
P.S. Don’t ask [them] which one is their “real” mom/dad… That’s like asking the child of straight parents, “Which parent is your real parent,” like there’s a fake one… They’re a team as lovers, and they make a considerable team as parents, as well.
Ada-Scarlett.
I must say it helps to read the posts here. From my straight perspective the gay world sometimes looks like an abnormal subculture. However, it appears we are all just trying to all get along in the world based upon who we are.
My main concern is that my son’s “coming out” will be met in the following ways:
Indifference – Some people really don’t care either way. In my experience a minority. Most have an opinion but many choose not to share it. Not worth the hassle.
Quiet Hilarity – Especially among many straight men homosexuality is funny. Two males engaged in a mating ritual is hilarious to some. The futility and absurdity of it all. SNL skits, prison jokes, etc…are everyday examples of this. For these folks gay people are just not be taken seriously. Kind of a circus freak scenario.
Disgust and Hate: In my opinion still around but not on public display as much. These people concentrate on the sexual acts.
The bottom line is my son will need to deal with these types of reactions. We are a tribal society, primates at our core, and being different at such a fundamental level will have consequences. The idea of changing society, etc…is a nice thought, and is possible to some degree, (the younger generation is less openly hostile/more accepting), but make no mistake not being “normal” will never be easy. That’s what kills me about his situation every day. If he were straight his life would be much easier and probably happier.
I’ve researched possible causes wondering if I had anything to do with this issue in his life. It looks increasingly like genetics are not in play. University of Chicago gay twin study has shown nothing of consequence. Latest thinking is some sort of problem in the first trimester of pregnancy.
In any event, it’s an ongoing process trying to go on.
Thanks to all who have posted. I especially appreciated the posts left by gay authors assuring parents that we did not cause our children to be homosexual. I have two wonderful gays sons, and the younger one (17) just came out a few days ago. It was a surprise to me although there had been plenty of hints along the way. I am hoping to continue to love both of my boys unconditionally as I readjust my vision of what the future holds for all of us.
Please help me!!! I am seventeen and I recently came out to my mother in regards to my sexual orientation. I felt of all people my mom would understand. I did consider myself her best friend but her reaction was less than supportive. She fell on the floor screaming that I was bound for hell and that I have demonds inside me. She feels that this is a birth defect and she wants me to seek professional help. She told me that she couldn’t love someone that would do that to her. She has told me to get my “faggot ass” out of her house. I would love to move out but I want to go about it the right way. I have tried to get her to put it in writting but she feels that she shouldn’t have to go out of her way to make my life easier. I have a recording of her telling me to get out and I have wittness that saw how she reacted when I came out. I know that I am not welcome here and if I stay much longer I feel that suicide is my only way out. She doesn’t want me here but I want to make sure that I am covered so I don’t go to jail if she tries to say I ran away. I really need your help!!! Please:[
My last post was in December in case you want to follow one person.
My 20 year old son has been dating someone about 9 months now. B had talked to me about S and I told him that his dad and I would be ready to meet S when they were ready. I’m pleased to say that though my husband I were anxious about our first meeting, it went quite well. The boyfriend was very quiet but our son was talkative since we’d just picked him up from a trip to Europe. I anticipated being stressed shortly before we were to meet (I made sure I had no “down” time that day and stayed very busy before going to the airport}, during the “together” time, and afterwords. Not only did my husband and I survive seeing our son intensely hug his boyfriend the emotional release after saying goodbye to them wasn’t as painful as I had anticipated. We’re having breakfast again w/ our son and told him that S is welcome to join us. In conclusion, things are getting easier – at least w/ one kid.
I did mention to a friend who knows about my boys that we had met the boyfriend and had been anxious about it. Her comment was “get over it, it’s been close to 2 years now since you found out about your kids.” I’m not sure that it is possible to ever “get over” it – especially when both children are gay.
I am a mother of two gay sons. I would love to chat with another
mother in my same situation. I am having a hard time with this. My husband and I love our children and they know it, that is not the problem. If I am being honest this is not what we had envisioned our life to be. We wanted daughter-in-laws and grandchildren (the traditional way). We need to know how to cope
with the situation that we are in. My sons are 25 and almost 23. They are both wonderful and loving children. I agree with Kimberly. I am not sure if we will ever “get over it”. I think that comment is easier said from parents who have straight children.
Dear Judy,
Would love to talk with you. I too have two gay sons.
Lance,
I hope things are better for you at this time. Your mother reacted poorly and I don’t condone it but I sort of understand her overreacting at first hearing the news. I definitely don’t agree with her trying to kick you out of the house. You are just a kid trying to be true to yourself and you need her support emotionally. You sound like a great kid so please update us on how you are doing. Good luck.
I am the mother of two gay sons. Need to chat.
I am the mother of two gay sons. My only children. My husband and I
are having a hard time with it. We love our children, thats not it
its just really hard for us. Would love to talk to another mother in the same situation. Please send a reply.
For all you parents having “trouble” accepting your own children…well, the anguish you are feeling is YOUR punishment for YOUR bigotry and homophobia. Intelligent people who realize homosexuality is just one more variant on the scale of human sexual diversity would have no problems accepting their children 100%. For the rest of you, your own prejudices have helped build these nasty beds that now you are forced to lie in. Serves you right, imho. The only people I feel sorry for are you beautiful children…they deserve better than you.
I actually got on here tonight because I just back from a party. One of my friends has a beautiful new grandson. As I held him and watched him I kept reflecting on the fact that my life won’t be like that. Of course, in this day and age my children may have children if they like. However, the thought of that disturbs me at this point. I have had several days lately where I’ve thought, totally out of the blue, how can anyone have two gay children??
In spite of my feelings I continue to be blessed with the relationships I do have w/ my children. My 20 year-old recently told me that he is grateful and impressed w/ how my husband and I are coping and reacting to the situation – 2 years into this. The high school senior and I do well – as well as anyone can w/ a senior.
Lance, I don’t know why I didn’t reply to you sooner. I hope and pray that you and your mother are moving forward. There are many people who will accept you for who you are and maybe your mother will able to do so after she has had time to comprehend the “new” world you and she are in. I don’t think you can expect her to react w/ joy about the situation. Just take any positive steps from her. I do pray that you will never seek suicide. I believe you, as all people, are one of God’s children.
If someone would like to chat I’m willing to talk. I don’t want to post my home phone on the internet. You may call me at work and leave a message 770-460-3570 (Mrs. Hearn). Your message should state that you are calling about the blog. You may want to get the book “Ready or Not… by P and Hjordy Wagner.
Debra,
Hi. I am also the mother of two gay sons. I am a Christian, and this was hard ( and really still is) for me to deal with. I take it one day at a time, love them, listen to them, try not to ever judge, and laugh with them. I talked to a wonderful assistant pastor from the church I belonged to before we moved who really helped me to understand they are born this way! This went against everything I have ever heard preached before, but it made sense, although hard for others who don’t want to think that this could be true! We are all born in sin. We all have problems in life, weaknesses,sins, that we must deal with, pray about, learn from.I also have a step-son who is an alcoholic. He was born with this.If you’d like to talk,I’d love to,also. I don’t know how to give you information on here though, like my facebook page or email, because there are crazies on here who would probably try to reply. Just love your kids, pray for them, as we should pray for everyone. God is in control. HE loves you, your kids, and knows all things. Romans 8:28!
Sandra,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Someone
suggested reading “Ready or Not” by P and Hjordy Wagner. I’m going to look into that. Although I am lucky enough to have close friends who are sympathetic and love my sons only someone in the same situation can truly understand. I pray every day for God to
give my husband and myself the strength to face the challenges we
have ahead of us. This is just so hard.
Kimberly,
I understand how you feel completely. I too am the mother of two
gay sons. My only children. Most days I try not to think about it,
other days it is all I can think about. I only hope in time I will
be able to accept and embrace the course my life has taken. I too will be checking in on this website. It definitely helps to talk to peope in the same situation.
I have 2 gay sons and 2 straight daughters. My youngest son just came out today.
As a parent, you definitely get back what you give. You love your children, but do they
feel that love if they sense, or know, you disapprove? Love is a loosely used word, as to
me love means loving everything about your child. My boys know that I truly mean it when I say “I love you”.
No I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little sadness over the loss of the traditional family that we were raised in and expected to have. But goog god, life is short for us all, so we need to appreciate what and who we have in our lives now.
I’m fortunate, our boys feel they can talk to us. Maybe fortunate is the wrong word, I worked for that trust and open communication. For those posts who mentioned their sons were being secretive, perhaps you need to take an honest look at yourself first. Kids, young or old, know when they are not approved of, and are not going to share anything with you. Who would blame them? As the parent, you need to take responsibility for your own feelings on the subject and share them with your son. If you think it’s going to take some time, tell them. Tell them this goes against the way you were raised, but you are going to work on it. Keep them apprised, let them know you care enough about them to make the effort. Let them know. But don’t hand out the “I love you” and then turn around and show the opposite. These are your babies! If they were born with crippled legs you’d accept them fully and do whatever you needed to give them a happy life. Homosexuality is no different. It’s them. It’s not a perversion, it’s not a choice, it’s them.
My youngest son gave me the ultimate compliment today. He said he has never felt luckier to have me as his mother, the same about his father, brother and two sisters. He laughs about his friends who would also like to be members of our family. I appreciated that!
Just take some time for some selk introspection. You mayblearn new things about the way you feel, you may learn to view life differently. These differences in life really are what make it all the more beautiful. Love them cometely, that’s my advice.
I have 2 gay sons and 2 straight daughters. My youngest son just came out today.
As a parent, you definitely get back what you give. You love your children, but do they
feel that love if they sense, or know, you disapprove? Love is a loosely used word, as to
me love means loving everything about your child. My boys know that I truly mean it when I say “I love you”.
No I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little sadness over the loss of the traditional family that we were raised in and expected to have. But goog god, life is short for us all, so we need to appreciate what and who we have in our lives now.
I suggest as a parent, you take time for some honest reflection. We all want to be accepted, especially by our own family. Rather than send the kid go counseling I think the parent should go and gain some selk-understanding. Once ready, you may actually be at a place for comminication. Think of your new family as a new life together. If you put time in it, youll be rewarded. I’ve work to have open communication with my children since they learnedto talk. It took effort which was worth it. We have no anger, we only have love and happiness and can’t wait for our get-togethers. There is hope. If they have changed toward you, you Need to look at you . They did nothing wrong and you the parent has to make the family work. I’m not a believer in God, and I hate the way his name is bantered around on the subject. You must believe that God made your beautiful children and made you to watch over and guide them. Give them their cincidence through your most sincerest love and it will all be for this better, short life.
I’m fortunate, our boys feel they can talk to us. Maybe fortunate is the wrong word, I worked for that trust and open communication. For those posts who mentioned their sons were being secretive, perhaps you need to take an honest look at yourself first. Kids, young or old, know when they are not approved of, and are not going to share anything with you. Who would blame them? As the parent, you need to take responsibility for your own feelings on the subject and share them with your son. If you think it’s going to take some time, tell them. Tell them this goes against the way you were raised, but you are going to work on it. Keep them apprised, let them know you care enough about them to make the effort. Let them know. But don’t hand out the “I love you” and then turn around and show the opposite. These are your babies! If they were born with crippled legs you’d accept them fully and do whatever you needed to give them a happy life. Homosexuality is no different. It’s them. It’s not a perversion, it’s not a choice, it’s them.
My youngest son gave me the ultimate compliment today. He said he has never felt luckier to have me as his mother, the same about his father, brother and two sisters. He laughs about his friends who would also like to be members of our family. I appreciated that!
Just take some time for some selk introspection. You mayblearn new things about the way you feel, you may learn to view life differently. These differences in life really are what make it all the more beautiful. Love them cometely, that’s my advice.
Tonight I am very sad. Never for one moment did I stop loving or consider condemning my children. But, my eldest gay son has had a boyfriend for over a year. This whole acceptance of a gay relationship in our lives is a process.
Our first meeting was brief and not as painful as I anticipated. I’ve been around him and my son 3-4 times. We invited my son’s friend to join us for Thanksgiving and he did. I’m not comfortable w/ overt physical contact between them. I imagine that is strange even for parents of heterosexual kids. However, I went outside in the evening and they were visiting w/ other family and the boyfriend had his head on my son’s shoulder. I sat down but only stayed a couple of minutes because it was disconcerting and upsetting to me. I went in and a few minutes later my son came in. He spoke to me about something unrelated but I think he realized my distress – we didn’t discuss it. The 2 of them came and spent 1 night (separate bedrooms) to decorate our tree. I worked myself up emotionally and physically and needed to go upstairs so I could pray and calm down. Basically, I was anticipating and anxiously watching for physical contact that I didn’t want. After I calmed down I came back and there was no contact. We’ve told our son that S. could come for a night or 2 over the holidays. My son has expressed gratitude on several occasions for our love, and the willingness and interest to talk about his situation. He told me after the over-night visit that he knows it is knew and strange for all of us. I replied that yes, it is, and that sometimes it is stressful for me. He asked if the visit had been and I replied that yes, for a short while it had but it had nothing to do w/ anything he or S. had done. It is simply a process – not an event.
In summary, recognition and acceptance come gradually. When the reality of a gay partner hits it is a whole different ballgame. It is as if the homosexuality was only in theory and now is a reality.
Debra, your reply is beautiful and comforting. My husband became very upset when on the news last week someone was wearing a t-shirt that said “God hates homosexuals” that was after Elizabeth Edwards’ death – not sure of the connection there.
Kimberly,
I know exactly how you feel. Its like its almost ok until they get a partner then they are “really gay”. Only parents of gay children
can understand what that statement means. Anyone on this blog who doesnt think I love my children are mistaken. This is not an easy road and for those parents who think it is I am very happy for you. Just being really honest here.
I am so happy I have found this blog. A little over a year ago, I found out in the same day that both of my daughters are gay. One is 23 the other 18. I was crushed, and blindsighted. I did not react the way a loving supportive mother should. I feel horrible about it now, but the week after finding out, I could barely get out of bed. It seemed my life was over..the dreams of my daughters weddings, grandchildren, son-in-laws, were gone in an instant. Why did I not see this coming?? They both dated boys, had several long term relationships. I had no idea. I love my daughters with all my heart. I realize that their happiness is all I really want. I want them to know that I support them no matter what. God does not make mistakes. They are who they are supposed to be.
I am just wondering if there really might be a gay gene? What are the odds that I would have two gay daughters. I should also mention that one of my sisters is also gay.
Scared, hurt, embarrassed, I feel like a big failure, HELP ME MY SON IS GAY…..TOLD ME 5 YEARS AGO
DEPRESSED….will i EVER accept it…I pray daily. I feel his life is destroyed….will miss out on blessings
Can GOD make him straight?
GOD help me
I check this every several weeks to see what’s happening. So, Dina… my sister is a nurse and has been tremendously helpful through this whole time (2 1/2 years now). One of the things that she talks about is the process of grieving. I don’t think it is the least bit surprising that you couldn’t get out of bed after finding out your children are gay. You said you aren’t proud of the way you initially reacted. I would encourage you to apologize, express your love verbally, written, or otherwise, ask for forgiveness and understanding, and try to move forward. Susan’s blog reminds us to look at how our relationships were even before finding out about our children. Sweetie, I handle the GOD part, as best I can, this way (I’ve told my oldest what I write here because we talk about being gay; good relationship w/ other kid but he doesn’t really talk (only 18 years old): anyway I told B. “I’m a Christian and love you with all my heart. I live on planet earth with you. Your actions decisions are between you and GOD; not you and me.” I understand the fear, hurt, and embarrassment you feel, Sweetie. I especially relate to depression and sadness. Maybe you should pray for your peace of mind and building a relationship with your child rather than praying for your child to change. Anyway, I’m at a good place w/ my kids right now and hope and pray that it continues. Good luck and may you all find peace.
Hi my name is Debbie My 35 year old son came out to me 3 weeks ago i truely accept my son and love him beyond words. He is handsome,smart, confident and most of all loves life and family. The only time i cried was knowing he dealt with these feelings since he was a teen and kept it inside. What i am dealing with now is i am consumed every waking moment about this i have gone into a depression and cant resume my normal lifstyle can anyone tell me if this is normal behavior i cant seem to separate my life from his. Please Help!
I don’t know if i can be any help to anyone, i just wanted to say
that my son came and told me age 20 its almost been a year and i am just dealing with it one day at a time. I just wish he had told me earlier in life. i felt like he didn’t give me a chance to be there for him at a young age i know he had to go though so much pain and anguish , yes we are a christian family he had always put everything in that he couldn’t do enough at church.. he left and went to college a big city that everyone taught him how to open up about it, i wish it had been me that he chose to do that with… noone in the family really just a few people we are from a place it won’t be accept… i told him how i felt, but that i will always love him, i don’t want to bury him,, i want to love him and enjoy life with him,, but that don’t make it any easier, though prayer and therapy i can get though a day now.. but if he only knew the tears that i have cried and fallen to the floor.. i just take it one day at a time. and tell him everyday that i love him with all my heart and i do.. and yes i feel like its my faoult what had i done wrong… i wish i had notice it earlier in his life…. but we are handle it together one day at atime he just say, all i want u to do is love me.. i am so protected of him he said mom u can protected me anymore… thats what i am supose to do.. i am trusting in jesus, to watch over him… prayer is all i can do. and love him forever..
I’m not a mother but I am a lesbian, I came out to my mum when in 2009 just before Christmas. My mum said she had her doubts anyway. She also tried to blame herself for my upbringing e.g no strong male role model around after my biological father said he wanted nothing to do with me or my mum after knocking her about and things when she was pregnant with me. My younger sister said she knew when i was 15 but didn’t want to say anything. My whole family know now. some family members had made comments such as you will never have children but it is possible through medical procedures which i would like my own children some day. I think my mum has started coming to terms with it now. but some people like friends deny I am lesbian and say it is a phase which it is definitely not. I wasn’t sure how my family would react but most have been cool with it. even the more homophobic ones have since changed their views on LGBT issues.
My 20-year-old son came out in November. We are both Christians, but had made the decision independently of each other to leave our previous house of worship long before then for other reasons. When I found out, my only ‘grief’ was because of the discrimination he would experience from other Christians, and from people in general. We found a wonderful spirit-filled church that is predominantly LGBT, but welcomes everyone, including this straight mom. If you truly love your child unconditionally, then sexual orientation shouldn’t matter. If you turn your back on your child, the damage you do to your relationship may be irreparable, and may drive him/her into destructive & unhealthy relationships as they try to replace that unconditional love now missing from their life. Pray about it, and really listen for the answer.
Jesus didn’t take the easy route in life. He was conceived outside of wedlock. His friends were a motley crew, mostly scorned by polite society. He openly embraced lepers, prostitutes and the undesirables of his day. Do you honestly imagine he would turn his back on someone, anyone, let alone his own child just because he/she was LGBT? The Jesus I know and love wouldn’t.
Finding your kid is gay isn’t easy at all. Nobody knows exactly how to react. But every mom will agree, stand next to your kid whatever happens. We are parents and we raise our childs we dream and plan on their future. Be prepared it may be slightly different than we want. We want! Not our kids.
You say it’s hard? Well, think about your kid. How hard is it to come out. Not at all easy! Probably it takes a lot of thinking how and when.
I enjoyed so much reading Your thoughts and how kindly you share it with all of us. God bless you and your kids. Everything will be just fine. Don’t stop loving….
Hi everybody, I noticed that there were some messages about your gay children “distancing” themselves from you.
I just want to say that I am one of those children doing that to my own family, but there is always a reason for doing so, at least from the perspective of your child.
For me, it’s because of all of the hateful, bigoted things I hear on a regular basis that family members say around or to me.
For example, on the news they talked about proposition 8 and my mom starts saying, “oh no those disgusting faggots want to marry! Sick!”. While my sister would respond with similar homophobic comments. Hearing these things eats away at me, I feel like they talk about me when they say those kinds of things, it feels like invisible cuts slashing away at me whenever I hear those things.
For that reason, I just feel I cannot be myself at all, so there is no reason at having any sort of emotional relationship with any family member as they are all the same unfortantely.
Like my mom said one time, it is like living at a hotel, and total strangers walk around.
Speaking of which, she has even told me to rebuke the “homosexual demons”, so she DOES know about me being gay, it’s just she doesn’t want to accept it. She repeatedly tells me that I better not treat my wife like I treat her, I better not marry a hispanic woman, etc. As if I was straight?
Though, your child may be distancing themselves for a different reason, you should talk to them about how you feel that way to them.
I found this website through a google search and really appreciated reading through some of the blogs, especially the ones from some of the gay men that were encouraging and understood the initial feelings of their parents and wondering “what they did wrong” or if they were the cause of their son’s sexual orientation.
I am laying here on an absolutely beautiful Saturday, low 80s and I should be out enjoying the day but I am still in my pj’s and have barely been able to stop crying.
My son is 12yo. I am a single mother and have been his whole life. I have devoted every ounce of my being to being his mother and to being the best possible mom I can be to him. I have even, at times, let my social life and definitely my dating life lapse knowing I had only one shot to be a great mother and to give my son an incredible childhood. I was always the one organizing holiday parties, baking cupcakes, helping out at his sports practices, I never missed a game (even juggling a demanding work schedule in surgery to make them)…I was even the head coach of his U13 lacrosse team that went all the way to the State Championship game. Also being the only bread winner and trying to make sure we always had a semi-comfortable life…the rest of my time that wasn’t devoted to my son was usually spent working….not giving much time for a dating life. However, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It is lonely at times and hard to go through things by yourself, but I have an amazing child and our relationship is everything I always hoped it would be….
So about 2 weeks ago I was in surgery (not actually scrubbed in teh case, was and extra person) and my son called my cell phone. I stepped out of the room to answer it and he was hysterically crying. The call was breaking up, so I told him I would call him on a land line and ran to find a phone. Once I got him to calm down a little, I was starting to realize what he was saying and he was asking me, “Remember how once I joked about that you probably would never love me if I told you something like that (we were watching a movie where the child had come out)?” He was crying sooooo hard, it broke my heart. He continued, “I don’t know how I feel, but I don’t want to feel like this.” He was so upset he could barely talk and kept stuttering and trying to catch his breath. My heart felt like it had stopped.
I immediately ran to my charge nurse and told her I had a family emergency with my son and had to leave immediately and I did. I came home, grabbed my son’s hand and brought him back to my bedroom…I felt like it was a calm atmosphere and I wanted to open the door for him to feel safe and to really talk to me. We have always been super super close and he knows there is no subject off limits to talk about and he has never been scared to ask questions or talk to me. I told him to crawl into bed and I did the same. I laid on my side and he on his and we faced each other. I wiped away his tears and asked him to tell me why he was so upset. He told me he was confused and he didn’t know what he felt or how he felt but that he was having feelings he knew he shouldn’t be having and kept saying that he was always around guys and all the sports he played, boys were everywhere. I tried to just let him talk and just listen. When it felt appropriate or that he wanted me to…I asked questions, usually leading ones, to help him get his feelings out. I tried to understand what he was telling me and to let him know it was ok. I told him how proud I was of him that he felt like he could talk to me about all of this and that there was NOTHING he could ever do or say, that would ever make me love him less. He would started crying and said he knew I would be disappointed and sad, I reassured him that I wasn’t sad, nor disappointed and that I thanked God every day for giving me him. I also told him that if he was gay, that God made him that way and that that was just the way it was supposed to be. I tried to explain to him that trying to make himself “think it” into something different, would not make it different; but also told him that there were so many new hormones going through his body and new feelings and ideas….that he could possibly just be confused, but it could also mean that he was gay AND THAT WAS OK!! I hugged him and rocked him back and forth and told him we would get through it together and I would help him figure it out and whichever way things turned out I was ok with it and WE would be ok. We talked for about 2hrs and then got up and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch. We talked a little bit more that night and I was trying to figure out a little more about the thoughts going through his head and he described how he thought girls were pretty and would look at naked pictures of girls with the other boys, but he also sometimes wondered what different guys looked like naked and that made him feel weird. I asked if it excited him when he thought about other boys and he said no, but if I do wonder about what a guy looked like naked, it made him feel weird and bad. He started crying a little again and said he didn’t want to feel like this and he wanted it to go away. I just hugged him and told him we would get through it.
We also talked about the fact that he was going to lacrosse camp in a few weeks a the Naval Academy and I wanted to know if he was worried about that. He said no, but we discussed the fact that he might have to take showers with other boys and I just reminded him not to “stare”, if he did have to and to just be careful what he said to other people, even in a joking manner.
I dropped him off on Friday (today is Sat). Last night I talked to him on the phone and it seemed like something was wrong. I asked a few times, but he just kept saying everything was ok, so I dismissed it as being exhausted. Then he called today ( which prompted my internet research, finding this blog and just my day in pj’s and tears). He sounded really sad. I kept asking what was wrong and he kept saying nothing. I finally said Brae, I know somehthing is wrong, please tell me. I had asked if he had gotten in trouble, if something had happened, if he wasnt having fun…etc. Finally he said, “You know” (meaning it had something to do with his feelings toward other boys). I asked if he could go somewhere where he could talk (he is sharing the room with 3 other boys)…and he said he was alone. He ended up telling me that there was this boy who was one of his friends rommmates. I asked if he was attracted to him, he said no…well I don’t know. I reminded him he can’t help how he feels, but to just be careful what he says and what he does. I said to just joke around with him and be friendly like he is to all of the other boys and that his feelings were ok. He sounded so sad. He said he hated feeling like this and wish it would just go away. I would do anything to take his hurt away or make this easier for him. I told him I wish I ws there to give him a hug and reminded him that my thoughts were always with him and that WE would get through this together. He was just so downtrodden and so sad. I think his thoughts and the want to be “normal” in his mind, was ruining his whole experience. I asked him to try and not let all of this effect his whole week and to just try and get as much out of the camp as he could and have fun. I couldn’t cheer him up and he said he would try and call later when he had more free time and could talk. I hung up and just bawled.
I cried for many reasons. Like most of you….I cried because I saw my chances of being a grandmother and watching my son get married, slip away….but more I cried because I can’t take his hurt away. I cried on and off all day because we live in a cruel cruel world where kids have always been brutal with each other and unforgiving and I don’t want my son to ever have to go through a life of hell. I cried because he is so “perfect” straight A student in advance classes, immaculate manners, very good looks, popular and outgoing, a conscientious and considerate kid and can pick up any sport and be incredible at it, extraordinary athlete….all those amazing gifts and he will probably only be judged as being gay by everyone else…possibly my family included.
I also cried because I am going through this alone. The last 2 weeks I did the normal…wondered how I might have possibly made him gay, wondered what I had done during my pregnancy or while raising him as a single mother. I am a total tomboy and have taught him every sport I could…as well as taught him how to fix things and to just “brush it off” when he fell or got hurt. I am definitely a doting mom, but he definitely had a little more of both sides of the gender roles of mom AND dad through me. He is also super close with my dad and brother and male friends. I cry thinking of trying to explain it to my parents. My mom will eventually be fine, but I doubt my dad will ever truly accept it and probably will always look differently at him, which will break my heart (they are so close and he beams with pride at all his sporting events).
He is only 12. I am fine (or as fine as I could be) with the fact that he might be gay…I won’t love him any less. But I fear how his friends, and their families ( and my family) will treat him when they find out. I worry about being so young and realizing he might be gay and how that is going to effect his life and his relationships with other kids. He plays football, soccer and lacrosse and is on swim team….and I dont’ ever want him to be shunned by other boys or his athletic chances for scholarship be crushed if others knew he was gay (let’s face it our society is not very accepting, consciously or unconsciously).
I want to be there for him and I want to support him in everyway I can until he figures this all out, until we figure it out. If he is gay and this is his discovery process, I want to help him through it along every step….but I also know how cruel childhood is, especially in teen years. How do I help him be proud of himself and who he is….yet feel compelled to tell him to keep it a secret to others and be careful how he acts around other athletes/boys???? I am so confused. I have no one to talk to and don’t know what to do. He is soooo young. I am amazingly proud that he felt like he could tell me at this age and openly talk to me….but just sooo many jumbled thoughts in my mind…i’m hurt and sad and feel like it is my fault, even though I know it isn’t. I also feel ashamed because I want my mind and my heart to totally be ok with it 100%, but can’t help being confused and sad and worried.
Also, this is so selfish (which makes me feel even worse) but I also wonder if I do meet someone (I have recently started hanging out with this guy)…would they ever truly be able to accept my son for who he is and love him when they aren’t his own blood….knowing he is gay???? I have always said I could never love a man who couldn’t love my son, not just accept him….but now it really really hits home, with the recent news. It would break my heart to be in love with someone that looks differently at my son…he is my world. This dilemma also breaks my heart.
I need feedback…moms/dads have any of you found out or possibly thought your son might be gay at a young age? Any of you have to deal with this and athletics and how did you deal with it, from your perspective and helping him deal with it. Boys/men….help me, what should I do? How can I help? Any of you athletes…if so how did you deal with it, keep it a secret??? How can I be supportive and make him be proud of himself and who he is….but at the same time protect him from abuse, teasing, and rejection from his peers and most importantly (bc it is really important to him) other athletes/coaches??
Please help, I am in such a funk today I can hardly keep from crying. He is at lacrosse camp until Tues and he is so sad. I just want to be there for him and protect him, like any other mom. I am so devastated, I don’t know what to do.
Kelly
(kelly.york@cox.net)
@Meranda….I guess I am lucky my son felt close enough and open enough to come to me at such a young age. I’m glad I read your post, because part of me had wished I didn’t find out until he was older but now I realize that he won’t have to go through it alone. He won’t have to hide from me or life and won’t have to be something he is not. I can only imagine the anguish and torture that must bring to young adults who are trying to figure it all out in life, let alone to be tormented by trying to understand their own sexual orientation. I guess I should be thankful and not so selfish the mental anguish it is putting me through. My whole life has been geared to being a mother and helping my son become an incredible man and adult….well in reality nothing has changed but my own frame of mind; so I am the one that needs to deal with it. Thanks for your post, it is helping me put things into a better perspective.
Love is strong and should not change for being gay. They are still your children and as long as they are happy does sexual prefrence really matter? You should be PROUD u raised your children to be honest. They must love and respect you alot. Them telling you they are gay shows that they have faith in the love that you share.
hey sweetheart,
I am a gay son, and my mum is a mega religious woman, i was terrified when i came out to her, all my fears of letting her down and betraying our beliefs, you can imagine relief when she was cool and said i am the same person.
you havent done anything wrong, or raised them wrong, they dont want you to treat them any differently, just to love them like you so obviously do.
My mum has always wanted to meet my boyfriends, to make sure they are ok, and she loves my husband to bits, yes you can still buy the big silly hat and be the mother of the groom
If people dont like it, that is their problem not yours, mum says the thing she learnt most from the Bible is Mary loved Jesus no matter what or who he went about with, he was her son and her world.
The best thing you can do for your sons is love them, and be there for them, there is one thing them being gay can never change, their love for their mum.
I wish you love happiness and God bless.. and i think it takes someone special to want to help their son
God bless you
M
Hello,
I am a mother of a 13 year old girl. I am confused about my daughters relationship with her girlfriend at school. I keep finding notes written by my daughter and her friend about how they love each other. To me whe I read them I think that this girl is in love with my daughter and my daughter too. In my daughter’s notes she always talk about the day they met which is 10/7/2010, she says things like I love you, you are amazing, you are the love of my life, the day that I met you I became who I am, you are my life my evething etc. I don’t know what to think, I have confronted her so many times and I have asked her if her friend likes girls and if my daughter likes girls. My daughters always get mad saying that we take it the wrong way, that she loves her as a friend. Can you please help me? where can I go to look for profesional help? there is a lot more to this story.
Sincerely,
EG
Tami,
Tammi: I just read your story. I found this great website/blog and wrote on it the first of the year. I am the mother of two gay daughters and I love what you said about Jesus. This is so true!!. I have always worried since learning about my daughters sexual orientation what my parents, and friends think about my daughters. I feel sad, and scared for them because I don’t want anyone to judge or look at them any differently. they are beautiful, wonderful girls. My hope for them is that they find acceptance not tolerance in this world. Thanks for sharing your story.
Parents and Loved Ones:
I’m a 29 year old gay male and I came out to my parents once I got out of the Military back in 2006. I grew up in a small town like many of your sons and daughters and had the same fears of how will people accept me. I tell you the biggest fear that I or any other son has is their parents shutting the door on them and rejecting who they really are as people.
I’ve known I was gay since I was a child, I may have not known what my feelings were or meant at that time in my life but now that I look back on it, I can see why I had the feelings that I did.
I know all of you are shocked and sad by news like this but as I told my parents, If I could change my lifestyle dont you think I would have, no one wants to travel a path where people dont accept, hate, talk about and trully disrepect you as a person. Being gay is not who I am, it’s only one part of the things that make me who I am as being straight does to all of you.
Being gay, all you here from Straight people, oh hes gay right?? But do you look at straight people and say, that guys straight? No because its not who the person is.
I have to say telling my parents about my lifestyle had to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I have been to war. They were my rocks and thinking there was a chance of loosing that broke my heart and was cutting into my soul. My parents and whole family (except a few) really shocked me because nothing changed and they love me and my partner of 5 years as they would a daughter in law.
I also see alot of you worring about not being grandparents etc. I know that is hard for you because it’s hard for me. I want nothing more but to have a child and love him/her the way my parents did me. I hope to adopt in the next few years and hopefully I can be that rock for a child that needs a loving and caring home.
I wish you all the luck and if you need someone to write too feel free because I know what its like to be in your childs shoes. I’m gay and I came to terms with it a long long time ago and I’m sure most of you children have to. I feel sorry for people that call me names and talk about me because they truly have no idea, a long time ago I wished I could be like thim and live the so called normal life.
One more thought, it you think back only imagine how many poor men and women have died living a life that they had to hide their whole lives, I feel blessed to live in a time where it is more accepted.
Much love and prayers to you all!
Brandon garybdillon@yahoo.com
Sept. 30, 2011 Hello, Kelly and others. I’ve been checking this site and writing for close to 3 years now. I continue to be touched by the willingness of people to share their stories. By the way, I see @ the start of this blog there are 79 posts and they don’t all show up. I’ve put the date here just so I can keep track of my posts.
To those of you w/ kids who are or may be gay under the age of 18 (I found out about my first kid just after he turned 16): I never truly believed my teen was gay or bi until he was older – he’s 19 now. I feel like their bodies are changing, society promotes sexual promiscuity and experimentation – straight or gay, and their emotions and hormones are on a roller coaster. Though some kids may really “know” they are gay, others, like yours Kelly, just are unsure.
Kelly, if your son continues to be extremely sad, anxious, and depressed he might need some counseling. I wouldn’t want him to harm himself. Since you’re in the medical field it may be easier for you to find the “right” counselor for your child. It wasn’t appropriate for my children. D would have refused and said, there is no problem. B might have benefited but he was no longer “on my watch.”
Your emotions and grief are valid but your unconditional love for your son is beautiful. Try to treasure the relationship. I just spent 45 minutes on the phone w/ eldest boy graduating from college. The conversation, relationship, and trust we have in each other are treasures and the joy of my life.
One of the things I’ve discovered is how many people are accepting our our gay children. My parents, sister, cousins, close family, and friends have been a wonderful support system for me. They can love me and my children whether or not they support gay marriage or a homosexual lifestyle. One of the great ironies of D’s coming out was that I had to go to my parents the day after finding out about him because my mother had knee surgery. I was obviously not myself and I told them about D. They cried w/ me, held me, prayed w/ me, and said they loved D no matter what. They had become friends the previous year w/ a gay couple across the street. What a blessing the neighbor relationship was. I have no doubt that it built a bridge of understanding, tolerance, and respect. Kelly, I would think that “the man of your life” will have to be respectful and tolerant of your new situation. You may be truly surprised at his response.
My youngest (first son to come out) has never batted an eye at being gay. We don’t discuss it much, though I’ll ask questions now and then. Before he left for college I told him that if there were any problems with his room mate because he was gay, he didn’t have to live with that. He said “ok” and was ready to go. I suspect he still doesn’t know where he is on the sexuality spectrum though his brother (older, also gay, came out 2 months after the youngest)said the youngest’s facebook had a negative comment and that D had responded he was bi. (We’ve had the conversation about what he puts out in the cyber world but that is another story)
My oldest, B, came out to me 2 months after the youngest, D. B’s first year @ college was not as successful as it might have been. He struggled a lot w/ being gay, investigated some groups that promoted therapy to be straight. For about a year I was concerned for his mental well being and somewhat for his safety. Finally, he sort of came to the conclusion to “*** it”, I’m who I am and if I’m to have a decent life, I need to accept myself, and move forward.” I am proud to say that he is a wonderful young man who spends a lot of time w/ his grandparents (in the same town), has accepted himself, and doesn’t waste emotional time and energy on worrying about whether someone likes him or not.
Though it has now been 3 years I do still dwell on the fact that both boys are gay. I’m just stunned that a family can have multiple gay children. I’m not thrilled about the prospect of them having children – just seems weird. If I feel that way, I know others will. I was hoping I’d have a daughter-in-law to help in the kitchen for holidays, someone to buy a dress for and share “girl” things. Mostly, I still have pain knowing that there are and always will be people who may hate or not accept them just because they are gay. I suppose that’s not really different from blatant racism.
I hope some of you will reply on this site more often. It is helpful to me to see how we change over time.
I am a parent who’s son just told them they are bi-sexual. I grew up with several gay friends, roommates, and family members and am having trouble “absorbing” this. I don’t agree with the lifestyle and swore I would never support it but I cannot turn my back on my son i think he is looking for acceptance and the group of kids he is around and give him that. Like I said earlier I grew up around this not only as a child but into my college years and beyond. I think my son at this point is looking for acceptance and this is the group he is getting it from. I do know this group (I am ABSOLUTELY not putting all in to this category) that some “prey” on the “confused”, “lost”, looking for acceptance. I am not sure how to go about discussing this with him. I will not disown my son but I will not condone this either. The reason I think this is a confusion state is because he said he is “bi-sexual” Either you are or you’re not, and if you are are you aware of the lifestyle that you are choosing. My son’s mother and I are divorced but live fairly close and visitation has ALWAYS been consistent for over 14 years. I am not really willing to change my beliefs that homosexuality is wrong but I will not “disown” him either. Is there any help out there.
Hi everyone,
I’m a 20 year old gay guy, and my brother is 23 and also gay. He came out to my mother before his 21st birthday, and she was devastated. My mother does not know I am gay, and is always pestering me to have a girlfriend, and saying that she finds it strange that I am 20 and have never been with a girl. She accepted him, but she was devastated. My brother and I were born in the UK (London), but my family originate from Northern India. Anyone that knows about Indian society and family know that its a very conservative, family-driven culture, and also highly religious.
Luckily, my mother was always ‘modern’ and forward thinking, and was never religious. However, she still had dreams of grandchildren, and daughters-in-law and kinda relies on me to fulfil that for her, even though I am gay too. She’s a single mother; my parents divorced when I was three years old and he was a very abusive man. The divorce itself was also very messy; lots of custody battles, court drama etc.
I don’t know how, or even if I can tell her that I am gay too. She only has us two boys, we have no other siblings. I am not really that close to my older brother, although he knows that I am gay too. He has tried to talk to me about gay issues in his own life sometimes, but I guess I’m quite dismissive and didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about such private stuff. He hasn’t talked to me about being gay since, which I feel more comfortable with.
My dilemma is that I love my mother more than anything. She has done everything to provide a great life for my brother and I. I don’t know if I should tell her or not. The other option is that I live my life as a ‘bachelor’ and never tell her, but I don’t know if that is sustainable, as she is already asking me why I don’t have girlfriend. The other day she asked me ‘are you interested in girls?’ and the only reply I could give her to make her happy was ‘yes’ to which she replied ‘thank God!’. It killed me inside.
If anybody could give me some sort of guidance, or advice on how to best go about coming out (or not coming out) or how to live without her finding out, I’d be so grateful.
As you can see, I don’t know what my options are. I’m only 20 so I guess I don’t have to rush into anything, but I would never want to enter into a fake marriage and end up breaking some poor girl’s heart because I couldn’t love her. I’m not really looking to have children, because it’s not something I can see myself doing.
My head is messed up right now
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My husband and I have 3 sons 2 who are gay. It has been a shock but they are two of the best kids in the world. Just Looking to talk with someone like me. I love them dearly.