Gay Family Support Blog

I am one of 6 siblings. Four of us are gay.  I am writing because even though you might think this is the ideal scenario for a lesbian to grow up in, we’re actually all quite isolated from each other. The two straight siblings are increasingly homophobic and have a holier than thou attitude towards the rest of us.

Recently, I was verbally and emotionally attacked by one of my straight siblings (male) because I did not give in to one of his “business plans.” This was followed by having to deal with homophobic slurs and a violent attack against my persona. What upsets me the most is that my gay siblings have a whole “don’t bother each other policy” and it’s a sweep everything under the rug family pattern. I don’t have anyone to go for support. My gay siblings do not even want my partner to come over for the holidays since the behavior is seen as “shaking” the well being of mother. They see it as “being in their face.” 

Although I didn’t want to isolate myself from my family, I am starting to feel like there isn’t any other option. The straight one’s don’t want to know anything about my personal life and the gay one’s are so internally homophobic themselves that they don’t wish to know anything about my partner and I either. (although they secretly criticize my relationship to death).

Is there a healthier way that I can deal with this besides isolating myself all together? I’ve tried communication, I’ve tried setting healthy boundaries, and I’ve tried being true to myself. However, at the end of the day it’s exhausting and I’m still the one causing all the “trouble” in their perspective.

I feel depressed and isolated and like there is something wrong with me. Even though I know there isn’t anything in particular that is wrong with me being lesbian…..I feel like the constant rejection from all of my family members is really getting to me. I don’t know how else to deal with it but by isolating myself from them all together and putting the energy into my new family or relationship.

“If most of us remain ignorant of ourselves, it is because self-knowledge is painful and we prefer the pleasure of illusion. ” —Aldous Huxley

My daughter who is 15 just told me that she is gay.  I really didn’t know how to respond except to tell her that I thought she should concentrate on her studies rather than whether or not she liked boys or girls.  I also told her to concentrate on being a good person right now, not a gay or straight person. 
 
I really don’t know what to do.  I am worried about the backlash and stigma that she might face being labled.  I want her to be happy whatever her sexuality.  But I’ve seen people crucified for coming out.  I know as her mother that she could not handle torment, labeling, taunting, and discrimination that unfortunately goes with people being gay.
 
There are people in our family who would never understand this.  I do not condone it, but I would never turn my back on my daughter or make her feel less than…
 
I just think knowing her, that she cannot handle what is to come.  She’s not that tough.  She’s already attempted suicide once and I think given enough distress- the next time she may succeed. 
 
What can I do for her?  How do I help her?

Hi, My son is 18 years old.  A couple of years ago I realized that he might have gay potentials and even though I had asked him about this at that time he denied it.  Christmas 2007 he came to me and finally told me the truth. As a mother I knew this in the back of my head.  I feel that parents can sense these things sometimes in there kids.  My son does not act nor dress in drag at all but recently since he did turn 18 he has met a friend that is gay who has just turned 18 as well. 

This friend seems to have alot of control over my son.  My son has turned down going to college and also backed out of going into the airforce at the last minute because of this friend.  He has met alot of people in the gay community in the last 8 months or so and has met one person in particular who calls himself Father Divine.  Apparently this Father Devine has alot of control over my son and I dont know how many other people but my son Matt will listen to him and take his advice before he will mine or anyone elses. 

Recently myself and Matt have had a few falling outs between us.  Alot of it is because of his sexuality, irrational behavior and poor judgement among other things. There is no communication between us regarding how Matt is feeling and what he plans to do with his life. Matt recently was fired from his job and without notice moved out of the county that I am now living him. 

I have yet to be able to deal with my son and all of the feelings that I have  built up within myself.  I have never thought of myself as a judge mental person  until recently and  with all the emotions that are running through me regarding my son it is very hard to sort them out.  I never imagined in my lifetime that when I had kids that one of them may be gay.  Well it has happened to me and I dont feel there is anyone out there that I know that could possbily understand what myself and my son are going through.

I have put alot of blame on myself since this has happend and have had alot of sleepless night because of this situation even though I do realize my son has to make his own choices in life weather myself or anyone else approves or disapproves of them.  I have read articles on homosexuality but there are so many different studies and stories it is hard to differentiate what to read, what to believe and what to try and understand. I guess the bottom line is I have feelings I should never feel against my son that I dont know how to deal with and I do not understand the gay community. 

I am very afraid he is going down the wrong path and I do not want to loose any more communication with my son than I already have.  I do love him but sometimes I think I feel like it is a love hate realationship which is NOT what I want to feel.  I feel very disappointed in his choices in life but again I know I cant change those choices he makes.  I have never had to do anything like this before in my life so I hope I have stepped up to the plate and made a good choice.  Any help that I could get would be greatly appreciated. 
 
Respectfully,
 
Wendy

I am a 21 year old gay male, have always known that I was gay never really had any attraction whatsoever to members of the opposite sex. Although i had been active since Junior High I did not come out to my family until Fall of 2005. Now my parents are considerably older then normal My mom is 77 and my dad is 84 (I was adopted by my mothers parents at the age of 5) and they were kinda mad but after a while got over it. But my siblings have never gotten over the fact, My Sister tried to force me to move out of my parents home because my family was all convinced that I had transmitted some sexual disease and that I would infect my parents by living in the same home. Was tested twice both times came out fine but they still are convinced there is something wrong with me.

Although I get tested every so often and I am perfectly fine. Also my family is a very strong LDS (Mormon) most of my siblings and my parents have had multiple church callings through the years devoted to their religion, I was also an active member of the church until I came out and had a couple confrontations and just got sick of it. But my siblings are always on my back frequently making cracks such as “Your going to go to hell unless you change your ways”, “you’re not gay no such thing, you just haven’t met the right girl”, “you need to be more butch or you’ll never get anywhere in this world”, “People don’t hire fagots you’ll struggle all of your life unless you straighten up” and other such derogatory comments.

And also at family gathering how my nieces and nephews etc.always bring their boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance/fiancee and it is perfectly fine great. But if I ever came with someone that I was interested in or even any of my family members met him I would never hear the end of it. Also just irritates me how my family members treat me so badly, yet always expect me to help out with my aging parents whenever one of them can’t come through with what they were supposed to do. Some friends of mine have frequently told me that I should just move out of the area and forget about them, and start my own life.

Which I agree with to a point but I love my parents dearly and want to be here to help them out. I just don’t understand, have had a few bad issues in the family due to infidelity, pre-marital affairs, etc. but eventually they blow over. But with me I haven’t done anything, I’m a good guy, self sufficient, frequently help out with my family. But they treat me like I am some low-life due to the fact that I am gay. I know or should I say hope things will change eventually but for now just not sure on what to do.

Chris

Hello, my name is mary and my husband and I have 2 gay sons and 2 straight sons, I think we are pretty much over the shock part, its just trying to really understand the whole picture that is hard,
I found your site and am interested in maybe just feed back from other parents and learning to really be comfortable with the whole picture
thanks

Mary