Not A Choice To Be Gay
hello my name is chase i was lookin through different sites on being gay when i came across yours i ready it and decided that i would send you an email. i recently just came to accept that i was bisexual i go for both guys and girls.. i was recenly outed on it by 2 of my friends who went through my phone and saw a text message i had sent to another guy and then took it and told everyone i am from a small town so the word didn;t take to long to get around my mom found out but never saud anything to me until my brother found out and told her about it my brother is cool with it says that he loves me no matter what i choose and that i will always have his support and always be his little brother.. my mom later asked me about it so i told her she went crazy tried to get me medical help and everything else that you can imagin my dad has no clue and don;t think that i could ever tell him he is a southern preacher who stands strong in what he believes. me and my mother have always had a very close relationship and very open until now i am now livin 2 lives and keepin myself as fao away as i can get from her to that she will not ask questions that way i do not have to lie to her about anything. i am at the end of my rope and don;t know what else to do and can’t keep livin like this.. i like to think of myself as a good person i go to school full time and work about 60 hours a week in the ER at the second largest hospital in GA and i am only 20 but for some reason none of that matters to my family if i am not “straight” i just don;t know what else to do or turn someone please help me. i am so tired of bein told that this was a choice that i made to be this way.
i know it hurts when my prents found out about me my mother wanted take me to the doc but my dad wanted to kill me, it was hard and it is still hard but am getting on now, your mom is shock by the news, she is allso thinking of grandchildrens it will take a time for her to get over it, ur dad now u say is a preacher, i dont think u should tell him aether, talk to your mom, try to not let her tell ur dad not yet till u get over her,it will be hard try to work things out with your family, and a friend who you can chat with, if the people aroud you are very antigay be cair full. my mother found out just the way yours did afriend found out and told the community. if want you can emil me at virousmil@yahoo.com
Hi Chase
You should be proud of yourself. I hope your mother receives some support and knowledge and realises that you are still her child, no matter what, she loved you the day before she found out and you are still the same person, youre still her son no matter who you are attracted to.
I am grateful that you have your brother support and encouragement to be who you are, that is a great thing. anyone else who cannot accept yu, well F&^% them, its THEIR PROBLEM, not yours.
Be brave be strong be careful be you and be proud.
All the best
Hi chase you are not alone and keep your head held high. I came out to my mom when i was 12 yrs old and i was outed in schoolwhen i was 14yrs old. it was real tough for me. That was in1974 i graduated with honors. in 1978. ive had a good life, It was tough because i had to choose between my family and my lifestyle. I came to the conclussion that this was who i was and will always will be. Well it took some time but my mother has accepted the fact that her son is gay and all she wants for me is happinest. my father is a minister he found out and all he wanted to know was it true well it him over 20 yrs but were talking contact for support glazzman66@yahoo.com ive been through and would be honored to help you in anyway that i can.
Chase — my mother’s heart breaks for you. My son recently came out to me about 3 months ago via email. He was raised in a christian home too as his mom use to sing on the road in the christian music industry. All I can tell you is to be true to who you are. We have levels of acceptable sin in the church. I know what the Bible says about the act of homosexuality but I also know that GOD loves YOU exactly where you are and in this moment. My son knows that his parents love him. That’s NOT going to change. I am fiercely devoted to him and will remain that way until the day I die. He’s a good man. I don’t care about his oreintation. But having said that, this isn’t an easy thing to deal with because we mothers think about all the harsh and cold realities you will face from our society. Throw on top of that the very real fear of your place in eternity, and we just wig the hell out. I encourage you, REGARDLESS, to keep the dialog open with your mom. Yes, it may be hard and at times intensely painful, but this is a journey SHE must make as well. She will learn from this. Her faith may be challenged and that isn’t always a bad thing, I don’t think. I am still fleshing through alot of different emotions but I am thankful my son came clean. I am hopeful that your mom will get there someday.
Now, this mom challenges you to practice safe sex — ALWAYS! And Chase, I had the same talk with my hetero daughter.LOL
Good luck,
Stella
Dear Stella,
thank you for your very kind and accepting words for Chase. I have to say that I found comfort in them myself.
Being spiritual and also religious person, the prejudice and misunderstanding of the Bible created a lot of pain in people with different sexual orientation as well as in everyone else.
Didn’t God created every person to his image? – I ask a lot. Doesn’t church teach us to love every person as our brother and sister? Aren’t we supposed to treat other people the way we would like to be treated ourselves? These are the questions I ask myself a lot. I recommend to watch the movie “FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO” – it explains that even Bible does not necessarily reject homosexuality…
I wish everyone peace in your souls and bright sunshine in your hearts.
Thanks everyone for supportive words!
Marko
A section from my blog:
“Speaking of understanding; I feel saddened that people in our world are being treated in a way that should not be acceptable. I was watching Wife Swap a while ago. This 50-something-year-old woman has to go and live with a 20-something woman who is a lesbian. The 50 year old said “If gay people were to have children, they would let child molesters have them tooâ€. I’m not disputing the fact that she was completely wrong, but I think she just didn’t understand gay people.
I think that is the problem with the older generations; they simply are uneducated on homosexuals. They still grasp onto the old ways of life that condemn gay people because “it is a sinâ€, “it is wrongâ€, etc. The gay-supporting groups around the world should target the older generation and educate them on homosexuals, educate them on why there is “these types of peopleâ€; on why we deserve our right to live. Straight people have a right to live, but not all gay/bi/etc people don’t, do they?”
I feel really bad for you, in fact I think of my own son, 18 year old that is gay. His dad and I are completely against “it” however, this whole ordeal has caused him to move out. He recently graduated and is in the process of leaving to college in the fall however now that he is no longer living at home is when I realize that I miss my son.
He is the same person but with a different sexual orientation than mine or his dad’s but the love is the same as his younger brother and sister. Stay strong for yourself however have patience with your parents I am positive that deep down they do love you for you. I found this out but until he had already moved out, I have a different perspective about gays; it is not a choice but who each one of us really is inside.
Chase – My 37 year old son came out to me in his senior year of high school. I thought my love for him (even after he came out)could protect him enough from the cruel outside world. How foolish of me. He took a pretty darn destructive path for quite a while. Now SOBER and healthy, our relationship grows daily.
I guess what I am trying to say – stay grounded in who you are, get your mother involved in PGLAG or get her connected with another mom who has experience going through this not unique mother/gay son relationship, find and talk to the God that I know loves you as your are, don’t give up.
Feel free to give your mom my email address – I have a ton to tell her that might give her some hope and encouragement. I love my gay son and thank my dear Lord that he gave him to me.
i know that it must of been hard for you i know it was for me and telling my parents was even harder for me cause i didnt know how they would react to the situation. And i have a big family and then my parents decided to tell my brothers and sisters but they all told me that they love me no matter what i do!! That situation was about 3 years ago now im 15 and i am wanting to tell my whole family that im gay because im proud for who i am but my mom always questions me on why i want to tell everyone and i tell her cause i love myself and feel alot better if i let it out. But its getting harder on her cause she doesnt know what to do!! so i suggested PFLAG and i hope that she will get her questions answered by them.
Hi all,
I am a young mom with 6 yr old twin sons. One son is very boyish and loves cars/monster trucks, etc…The other son since the day he can walk is always in my closet putting my shoes on, wearing my jewelry, asking me to put lipstick on him, his favorite color is pink he likes to play with girl toys, he is always in the bathroom with me when I am doing my hair. I am very girly and think that he wants to be like me and that I am his main role model. He asked me why god made him a boy and if I can change him into a girl, it shocked me that he was able to tell me such an adult thing, he is confused. They say that boys know at a very young age what they are. I am separated from their dad and the relationship between the one son and him was always strained. I’m just wondering if that is the reason why he turned towards me as more of a role model and wants to be a girl, or is it in his genes to be gay? maybe he won’t grow up to be gay, but he is showing signs of it now. And furthermore, what is the difference between being a gay man and being transgender? it seems that he is unhappy that he is born a boy and wishes he was a girl, what does that mean? If anyone can shed some light on this topic for me that would be great. I’m just curious and don’t know if i should discourage him and try to change his mind or just go with it and let him like what he likes? I would love him no matter what he grows up to be and always be there for him, I’m a very open minded loving person and see people for what’s in their heart.
Sincerely,
confused mom
Pretty interesting post – raises some interesting points for debate. I just stumbled upon your blog this morning and wanted to say that I have really liked browsing some of the posts. Anyways, I’m subscribed to your feed and I hope to read more very soon!
How can you definitively say being gay is not a choice? How do you know? Did you know they will lie to you in order to cast aside any blame they may feel is coming? Did you know they often can not be honest about themselves with themselves?
And what about the political gay…the one who really doesn’t care how he/she is pleasured, but chooses to opposite of what society “demands” just to justify the chip on their shoulders?
You’ve overly simplified and done some a disservice, I believe.
Reading some of the comments:
How many have not bothered to post because we are n ow taught this perversion is to be accepted and made to be OK?
I am a father of a gay and I will NEVER accept the sin. I still love the sinner, but what you choose to do is and always will be sinful, vile, and an abomination in the eyes of God. I will burn in Hell next to you for my sins, but you will be there right next to me.
You people are supposed to be more highly educated, yet you can’t write with punctuation. Seems rules are just not your thing, eh?
Alan, who do you think you are to call YOUR son an abomination. You pose the question how does one know that being gay is not a choice. I am a 20 yr old gay man and I have your answer. I first knew for sure I was gay around age 12. I was immediately interested in other boys and I knew it was wrong in the views of the majority of society. I knew I would face criticism, mental and physical abuse, and possible disownment of my family. Let me ask you a question. Why would I CHOOSE to subject myself to that type of harassment? I spent several years in denial, then trying to rationalize it and change it. It got to the point of where I was literally getting physically sick because I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.
Around age 15, I made some really good friends who were able to accept me for who I was and I realize now that I wouldn’t want to change who I am. I didn’t choose to be gay, but I am happy with who I am and I don’t want to change it.
I haven’t yet come out to my parents. I was actually considering doing that soon (hence why I was on this site), but after reading how homophobes like you will react, I am reconsidering. Not only do I not want the potential backlash, but I don’t want to put my family, THE PEOPLE I LOVE, in that situation. Until then, I am staying in the closet and relying on my good friends to get me through it. So you claim to love your son? Then stop acting like a “holier-than-thou” preacher who thinks he is God’s servant. If homosexuality was a sin, God wouldn’t have made some of us that way!
Did you choose to be straight?
While not gay myself, I , like many, have gone through a period of ‘confusion” while I was growing up. Foortunately I was a type to go to Books and other authorative sources for my information, rather than ask my equally ignorant peers and locker room buddys about such matters, and got some valid information early on, which has saved me a lot of trouble and grief.
The problem is tha MANY people do not know what “Gay” (homosexual) actually means. The lady above is an excellent example. Gay is NOT Crossdressing or a boy exhibiting “girly” behaviour, its wanting to have sex with other persons of the same sex. Yes, these things are sometimes connected, but are usually unrelated. Indeed the terms “homosexual” or “hetrosexual” make no sense when we are talking about 6 year old boys who are too young for ANY sexual attraction issues.
Lots of people still take the simplistic, sanitized “kid’s definition” of “gay”(when they ask) as “a guy that is like a girl” a bit too far and litteraly—when all that is actually ment is that he is like a girl in the fact that he is attracted to men. This can confuse a lot of confusion to even hetrosexual guys who just happen to to crossdress or, like all men, may have interests and activities sometimes associated with the opposite sex.
I will go so far as to speculate that there are many “gay” people who are “pseudo homosexual”—actually straight but are convinced that they are gay because of confusion of the definition and bad info and mythology. BTW which I think represent the “cured gays” some church ministries boast about.
hi, let me tell you my story, its just me and my son in the world, most of our family has past away or are not in our life for different reason. my son has had issues during his childhood, losing his beloved grandmother, father left when he was young, stepdad didnt get along with and all the jokes that go along with going to school. I have always adored him, one day we were hanging out watching t.v. and he looked troubled,I asked what is wrong,he said I can’t tell you cause you wont love me any more. I said there is nothing you can tell me that will make me stop loving you. He cried and whispered I’m gay I was shocked I knew he was sorta fem. but I always thought that was because he was around me and grandma so much, I hugged him and told him I love you just as much. We will figure this out together. Its not the life I would have picked for him because its hard and people are cruel,but stop loving him or asking him to try to change..no way. he was 15 that day, today he is 20 moved into his own apt. is assisting manager of a retail store almost manager,just a little longer,now things are not perfect, we battle things everyday,especially where we live in the deep south. There are alot of people who are not educated on the subject. This is where our story gets interesting, cause im a southern girl with all the trimmings and a christian and never been well versed on the subject of being gay. I knew when I looked in my sons eyes and saw his fear and pain it wasn’t a choice, he was born that way, by our creator God almighty. One thing I do know is God doesnt make mistakes he made my son the way he is for a reason. We all go on different life journeys and we all have issues. Many times even now I have to reassure my son after mean comments by “christians” and just hateful people. That God loves him the way he is. God made him the way he is. I know in my heart that God excepts us the way we are. But one thing God doesn’t like is when we humans try to be his judges here on earth… southern mother of a much loved gay son.
s
My daughter is a lesbian and married to wonderful person. Imust admit when I first found out, I was a little taken aback. She was fourteen. But fortunately my love for GKod and for her wond out very quickly. You have the support or your brother. Utilize that as much as possible. You sound like a wonderful person and a son that I would be so proud of. And as a human being I am proud of you without even knowing you personally. Hang in there. Maybe at some point you can move out and get a small apt somewhere with your brothre or even alone. Contact gay organizations in your community or cloe by if your town is that small and also on the internet. I just watched a absolutely beautiful movie called The Single Man about homosexual love and it was done so passionately and I mean that in an artistic sense. So beauftiful. I wish that you could watch it some time. It is on Demand on HBO but should be at your local rental store also. I will pray for you for that is all I can do at this point for I dont live near you to help personally. You can write me anytime at jomared1004@hotmail.com if you just need to talk with someone. I know what my daughter went thru when she came our at such an early age but that was 14 yrs ago. She now lives in a very small town and married an older woman who had been married with three grown children. And yes they received some raised eyebrows and my wonderful daughterinlaw was even fired from her job for being gay. They won a court case on that by the way. NOt a lot of money but what a victory. They dont have nay problems anymore in htat town. Thank God. There is a hope for a better day. Just believein yourself and your own goodness first and formost. Dont let anyone be a thief and rob you of that which is inyour heart and soul. Not even your parents. There is a bible verse that says Parents do not provoke your children to anger. I dont know exactly where that appears but if you use a concordance you can find it. Im sure your dad would know about that. So yu see that goes along with honoring ones parents. YOU are beautiful just asyu are and Jesus lives within you and that means you are His temple.
Wishing you love and peace,
Joanne