Never Thought She Was Gay
I get a lot of emails from parents or loved ones who just need to reach out for some support. Sometimes I get emails from gay people struggling with their sexuality. My website GayFamilySupport also has a lot of personal stories for people to read. I have decided to add some of these to my blog for others to comment on.
These letters or stories are ones that I have been given permission to post.
I will start with this one.
Never thought she was gay! She was always a tomboy; played soccer, basketball, volleyball, softball, powder puff football and even wrestled on girls team her senior year. She is about 5′6″, weighing out at about 120 lbs. She was blond and dressed like a girl unless she had her sports clothing on.She had several boyfriends but remained a virgin. She had friends that she hung out with constantly. (of which none are gay to this day) Now she is at college.
The first year her appearance began to change. She began dying her hair strange colors, cutting her hair shorter and shorter, wearing masculine clothing (no longer the tight fitting jeans or pink shirts), got several piercings and wants more tatooos. The thought that she was gay still never crossed my mind. Her roommate-best friend was extremely pretty and feminine. They roomed together for 4 years.I actually walked in on them with their arms around one another. Had an uncomfortable moment. Still it never crossed my mind.
Then my two sons (I have six kids) said that they had been getting questioned by “people that knew her” about whether or not she is gay. My oldest son is cruel and hateful and had words with her about it, proceeding to call her a dyke. She claimed that it hurt her feelings. She called me from school crying one day that someone thought she was a guy. I told her not to dress like one then (she also carries herself in a masculine manner) So I still never even thought it because I was thinking that the above wouldn’t bother her if she were.
She would go out of her way to bring up old boyfriends and comment frequently about good looking movie stars. So, I never really had any reason to think she was gay. Am I homophobic? I didn’t think so until my daughter told me she was gay. I have gay friends, LOVE the L Word, have even experimented in the swinger life style (sleeping with other women). So I would say I’m not. But in all actuality I am, in regards to my own daughter.
When she finally admitted it to me I remember going through all the normal feelings. Was it my fault? Is it hereditary? What will people think? Why me? Why my daughter? Why my perfect, beautiful, smart, successful daughter? The saddest thing I thought though was “Thank God it’s my daughter and not one of my sons!!!!” Yes, I do feel uncomfortable talking to her about her relationships, mostly because I’m not sure what to say, but she really doesn’t tell me much because she “doesn’t want to disappoint me.” Does she disappoint me? NO!!! Am I uncomfortable with her being gay? Not really! What I am uncomfortable with is this. WHY does she have to dress like a guy? That bothers me more than anything.
Myself and my other three daughters are all extremely feminine so this part of her really offends me. I’m only 44. I am not unaware. Even my doctor is a lesbian. Who also looks like a man. I watch the L Word and marvel at how beautiful, even the most masculine of the women, still look feminine. If I could get past this I would definitely be a more supportive parent to her. She called me yesterday. She has panic attacks now. Never had them before.
I’m worried about her health (she has a pacemaker). I told her to come home so that I could take care of her (I am really close with all my kids or I used to think so) but she said she never could because I wouldn’t like who she is and that she is a huge dyke. I didn’t even know what to say other than that I loved her and would no matter what. I feel lost, not only from myself but for her. She doesn’t seem to be comfortable in her own skin.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
OMG…….i feel like i just read about my life…except for my daughter is an only child.
im a lil miss prissy poo and thats what my daughter was supposed to be. lol. but she is not and never has been. she has been a tom boy her whole entire life since kindergarten. i have suspected it for a while but when i would ask her, she would get mad and ask why everyone asks that and she is getting sick of it. well, she finally broke down and told me on mothers day. WOW……what a mothers day i had…
we cried all day… she knows i still love her the same no matter what. i keep telling her but now, she feel wierd coming around me. i dont want that. i want her to feel comfortable around me. will it get better?
August 5th, 2007 at 1:18 am
I am crying after reading Lisa’s response. That is so me. I have been going through so many emotions since my daughter has been making me aware that she is a lesbian. It just so breaks my heart. I have went through so many emotions over the last two years but these last months have been so devestating for me. I cry on and off and have periods of depression and of course the blame game on myself. My mom suggested some type of support group for parents of gay children so I have been on the internet looking and found this site, which I’m glad I did, because after reading the two blogs I know that I am not alone. I just want to ask, where do I or us parents go from here?
September 1st, 2007 at 3:58 am
To everyone on this blog, my heart feels heavy for everyone. I, too, am dealing with the emotions of what my daughter feels is her truth.
I tell her I love her no matter what, but the distance is growing wider between us. I mourn for what was to be a future filled with family gatherings, grand children, and the whole illusion that she would be filled with happiness in her adulthood.
Her childhood was terrible. I chose to divorce her father because he was never around for us and because I was too stupid to know how to turn things around for us.
He remarried and his new wife had a son from previous marriage. This son sexually abused my daughter and is now serving time in prison because we ….or rather I insisted on pressing charges.
Now my daughter is in a relationship with a girl. Says she’s always felt strong feelings towards certain girl friends over the years.
I don’t know if this is truly who she is or if this is fallout from the abuse. I know I’ve failed her over the years, but I love her so much and feel that every day I lose her little by little.
I want her to be happy, but giving my blessing on this doesn’t feel right. She’s just turning 17. Her counselor says I shouldn’t rock the boat or I will lose her.
These young adults making such serious life choices, facing such hard reactions from people who they will deal with daily for the rest of their lives.
I have no clue what to do. I feel so ill equipped with all of this. All I know is that I still love her with all my heart and want to do what’s best for her! But I don’t have the foggiest idea what is best.
Any words of wisdom from anyone who sees a light at the end of the tunnel? It’s getting pretty dark here.
January 29th, 2008 at 6:50 am
What is RIGHT? Let your child make that choice. And that would be there choice of what makes “Them” Happy at that paticular time in there life. I belive that is whats BEST. Just be there, Be Understanding,and dont Judge her. Having being Blessed with the most precious gift of all. I too have a Gay Daughter! Who is 18, We are very close. She let me know at the age of14.She is a very Smart,Intelligent and has a heart of gold at such a young age. However with that bein said the Bottom Line is I LOVE MY DAUGHTER and her sexuality is HER choice she made. I LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY NO MATTER WHAT.
February 28th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I cried myself to sleep again last night because my heart is shattered over what my daughter has told me. I am a very accepting and open minded person but this by far a lot harder than I could have imagined. I am glad to know I am not alone.
April 25th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I am a daughter who is fortunate to have the love and support of both of my parents. This didn’t happen over night - it took awhile.
It took me awhile to admit to myself that I was gay, so I know that it will take time for my parents. I’m just so glad I don’t have to live a double life, and hide what makes me happy, to my parents. I dreaded calling or coming home from college, because I turned into someone that I wasn’t. I’m 26 now, and my parents have known for almost two years. My relationship with both of them has progressed so much, and they are my best friend.
With the generation gap - I’m not expecting them to “get it.” I’m just glad they are accepting of it.