Comments on: My Daughter Is Gay And I Need Help

By: Donna Hein

Donna Hein — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 12:57:06 +0000

I am a Health Education teacher in NJ and I am doing my graduate research on LGBTQ. I came across this website and wanted to leave a note. This is an AWESOME place to get information, support, etc. What a wonderful safe place Debbie has created for parents and others to get the support they need. It’s also very refreshing to find this kind of website instead of the anti/gay Christian websites that seem to be all over the web. Thanks again Debbie for being such a wonderful mother and human being

By: Jill

Jill — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 13:21:37 +0000

Six months ago my daughter came out. She is 19. I had suspected that she might be gay for a while so although a bit confroning it wasnt a big shock. I immediately started reading books on understanding your gay child, and for the past six months have done eveything the books say, about supporting, loving, not judging, accepting, showing affection, not treating any different etc etc. My daughter is happier than I have seen her in years. I have never been more miserable. Its not that she is a lesbian – that I can cope with. Its just that in six months she has become totally ‘butch’, had many piercings, tattoos, shaved the sides of her head, wants to stretch her ear lobes, only buys mens clothes. Her girlfriend has barbie pink hair as well as all the piercings and tattoos. I feel that I have lost the daughter I knew and dont recognise this person. She has no idea I feel this way as I havee been so careful to be supportive of her. We have taken her and her girlfriend out to dinners and her girlfriiend often spends the night at our home. I have spent twenty years nurturing this child, and raising her to have certain standards and values. I feel that the way she is presenting herself is going to make her a target of homophobics and also jeopordise her position in the workforce. All the books I have read seem to give all the advice on how to keep your gay child happy, but how do I as a loving mum cope with MY feelings of loss and disappointment? We do love our children unconitionally and the fac that she is gay is not the major problem, its how much she has changed. The books say she is still the same person, just her sexuality is different. NO, she is NOT the same. She looks different, her pier group is different, the places she frequents have changed, the things she talks about have changed, the kind of people she brings home have changed. Its all a lot to cope with in a very short space of time. I look at her and instead of the beautiful girl with long curls, I see an androginous person with a strange haircut and piercings and tattoos. It breaks my heart.
Another thing that the books dont talk about is how hard it is for us parents when everything is being played out on facebook. I have people asking me what is going on with my daughter because they have seen pictures of her kissing girls on facebook as well as comments on facebook that make it obvious that she is gay. I dont get the choice of who to tell or when becuase its all out there for all to see. Her friends show their parents who show other friends etc. My family who live on the other side of the world knew before I even told them because they had seen things on facebook – its just not fair! I am glad my daughter is happy – I just wish I was too!!

By: Prizm

Prizm — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 01:16:03 +0000

Not sure if I’m on the right site, but thought this was for parents of gay/lesbians. Alexa, that sounded a bit like a slam, just saying. This IS Help for parents of gay/lesbian children… It doesnt say Help from straight people for straight parents of gay/lesbian children. I am a 34 year old lesbian who has been with the same woman for 10 years and our children range in ages from 11 to 19. I dated guys from the time I was 15 until I was 18. I was a virgin until I was 19… I stayed with the guy until I was 23. I have a very religious family. I didnt date guys cause I was attracted to them, I dated them cause it was expected of me. I dated them based on how well we got along and if my family liked them. For one moment put yourself in my shoes… imagine being with someone you have no attraction to… feeling less than a human being cause you are lying 24/7 not only to the person you are with but lying to the people you love simply to make them happy. Lying to the people you work with.. to the people at church… to new friends… to old friends. Making sure no one knows that you are lying about being who you truely are just to make them happy. One more time, imagine going to bed at night with the person you have ZERO attraction for and hoping and praying you dont have a vivid dream about being with a person you would be attracted to and talking in your sleep about it. Knowing that if you say anything out of line… anything that would make the person you are sleeping with question you… that your whole life could fall apart based on what you say in your dreaming state. Can you imagine how scary that would be??? When my grandmother died of colon cancer, I remember her telling me that if any of her grandkids came to her and told her that they were gay that she would love them no matter what, that God made them for a reason and that it was up to us to find out. She hugged me and never said anything else about it… I think she knew about me and knew that I was scared to come out. She was not scared of what anyone else had to say about it… we were HER grandchildren and she loved us UNCONDITIONALLY. When she died… I came out a few years later, when I was ready. My favorite aunt Sonia told me that it was just a phase and that I should go with her to talk to the priest. As if talking to him would somehow change me back to being straight. She was more worried about how her friends and the people at church would react! I knew I was gay before I even knew what the word gay meant! I “LIKED” the babysitter I had when I was 4. I always “LIKED” girls… never had that feeling for boys. Boys where fun to play with… go ride our bikes… play sports… climb trees… go swimming but didn’t “LIKE” them like THAT!!! So I wondered why my aunt would dismiss my feelings the way she did and try to fix me like there was something to be fixed. I moved away… a state away to live my life the way I wanted to live it. With the exception of my aunt and a cousin… the rest of my family accepts me and loves me. They have accepted my partner and our children as well. I live in the bible belt and work at a christian nursing home where the residents know who I am and who I am with and have no problem with it. My partner and I dont show public displays of affection unless we are at a gay function amongst friends and supporters… where we feel safe. My partners family still cant accept our relationship… I’ve never had a cross word to say to any of them… I dont go to their family functions but encourage my partner to go if she wants to. My partner and I went to visit my family last summer and she said that they all made her feel like she was part of the family more so than her own family. My advice for all the moms whos child has rejected them…. check your actions toward your child. They leave cause they dont want the negativity in their lives… they have enough to deal with, they dont need anymore drama added to it. If you want to be part of their lives give them room to breathe and dont tell them how to live their lives… they are old enough to figure it out. They are human beings that deserve not to be judged on something they have no control over… you cannot control who you fall in love with, it’s no different for them.

By: alexa

alexa — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 08:43:28 +0000

Not sure if I’m on the right site, but thought this was for parents of gay/lesbians. To all who have and are still going through the devastating news of a gay child, I certainly can relate. I am still grieving and it’s been 14 years since my only child, my daughter told us she was ‘gay.’ My husband and I have lost friends and our family although they all try to act like ‘nothing has changed,’ and ‘we love her regardless,’ but the truth, the reality is that EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED…we are omitted from some family functions and some of our relatives just simply do not have as many get-togethers as they did before, probably trying to spare our feelings. I have cried almost every day for l4 years, have been practically a recluse, had bouts of shingles, vomiting, weight loss etc. etc. I try so hard to be upbeat, but instead it has beaten me down. I see and talk to my daughter almost daily and try not to upset her, so both my husband and myself never berate her ‘choice.’ We make an effort to seem ‘carefree,’ that ‘everything is okay’..it’s not! Gee…it is so very hard for both sides. My daughter sometimes states that she ‘cannot change’…well…but it is apparent that people believe that parents should have to change, by accepting something that goes against their very ‘core values.’ This just isn’t deciding or ‘being born with’ a particular fancy to a certain vegetable or favorite color, is it? Religion plays a great part, but it just doesn’t seem natural or that it would be good for a society and I cannot help that I truly believe that. And, although it truly is not something they can help being, I do believe that some people may have certain biological make-ups which cause certain environmental conditions or experiences which cause them to physically change. It is a fact that anger, etc. causes chemical changes/reactions and am wondering if continual or enduring ‘negative’ emotions cause our bodies to develop substances which protect the organism…like ‘survival.’ So, although i do not believe gay people are simply ‘born’ that way, I do believe our genetics pre-dispose some people to react emotionally and thus then physically to certain ‘environments,’ and/or circumstances that the typical or majority of people are unaffected by…I know I sound nuts…but, oh well. I believe that there is a reason for everything and just what the reason is for homosexuality, I wish I knew. What I really don’t understand is that I’ve heard that if most homosexuals are asked if they could change and become heterosexual, they answer ‘no!’ Why would anyone want to be something most people feel is unnatural and wrong (that is people who are actually the parents of homosexuals, and not people with ‘normal’ children as are most of the ones who answer these various ‘polls’) and why would they want to be this way knowing how much it hurts most of their parents..it’s like saying that ‘if you could choose not to hurt your parents, would you?…they have answered ‘NO’!!! As usual, today I have not gotten dressed until just before my husband comes home from work, I do not answer phone calls anymore…although not many come anymore from former ‘friends’ nor from my family…mother, sister and my nieces and nephews. So, if I don’t make the gesture to call or visit, they will rarely contact me or my husband or..yes..my daughter. She, nor my mother or niece/nephews contact my daughter, so she contacts them. I’m tired of being the one who contacts my family, so I don’t much anymore. I see how uncomfortable my daughter makes them and holidays will really get messy when my daughter asks to bring her ‘friend’ to all of our family functions. I’m so afraid that that time is getting closer. She hasn’t had this particular partner for many years, so it’s relatively ‘new’ relationship and I dread when she brooches the subject of inviting her over for holidays. That will be when my family won’t even have holidays with us, or they’ll just have them secretly to avoid having to deal with it. After all, she is our daughter, not theirs and it is different for them and easier to just wash there hands of it, easier to avoid any uncomfortable situations, and don’t believe they like the ‘influence’ she may have on my great-niece as she gets older. Let’s face it, I wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting my nieces’ partner if she was a lesbian, so guess I can relate to their feelings. This homosexuality in our family, and my daughter is the only one we’ve ever known going back many generations (although on my ex-husband’s side, my daughter’s biological father’s family has two homosexual relatives in their recent ‘family tree’). At the present time, we only get invited to the obligatory birthdays, Thanksgivings and Christmases, but that’s about it. My sister and I used to be so close, but that’s gone now. We parents of gays/lesbians go through a grieving process…mine never ends and I know that it has taken a toll on our physical and mental health. I love my daughter so much, but it is so hard. As she says that she cannot change, why do ‘other people’ believe that parents can or have to change. I am torn as I cannot change my core beliefs, can’t be happy about this as much as I have tried, tried, and tried again. I guess what I really cannot understand is why they can dismiss having strong feelings for the opposite sex, that they cannot love them. I have told my daughter that I fear for her future happiness and that all relationships change and progress throughout life. We are created with ‘hormones’ when we are young in order to produce children and when those hormones naturally diminish, our relationships actually (I believe) were meant to grow into a deeper relationship with our spouse and that when that ‘sexual chemistry’ portion of our make-up which allows for that very important, but not the most important, expression of ones love for another, that that ‘physical’ expression will gradually be replaced by a deep and abiding ‘spiritual’ and very close and, I believe, much deeper relationship with one’s husband/wife. That’s just my opinion, and I just cannot understand why anyone would eliminate the opposite sex; that they cannot love them as deeply…sexual desire fades and I believe God created us that way (I just hate these stupid Viagra commercials that make 80 year old men think they need to have sex to be ‘men’–stupid and so very sad that America and the world seems to be so obsessed with sex!) Also, someone else here mentioned the ‘immaturity’ of her son who is gay. Well my daughter is quite immature for her age; she has not been financially responsible and graduated from college only at my prodding and nine years after her peers she graduated from high school with. It seems her ‘partner’ of choice is also very immature and not very motivated toward becoming independent adults. My daughter’s biological father has not had contact since she was 5 years old, just after I met my current husband of 27 years. I’m wondering, as I have read that many lesbians come from divorced parents or have ‘father’ issues, and harbor anger as well. Sorry for my rambling, but I can feel for those parents who are having such a difficult, sad, horrible time of it. All I can say is that it has changed my life; it is something that I just cannot get past; I have prayed and tried so very hard, but after all of this time, the tears flow each and every single day as I watch people try and avoid my eyes, avoid asking about my daughter. And as far as the ‘majority’ of Americans believing being gay is okay, well… that majority obviously do not have a gay child, so they have no clue how utterly devastating it can be. I don’t believe that, although it is of some ‘consolation’ in having more than one child, all parents or most parents of gay children need more understanding…understanding that just as gay people cannot change…some of us parents cannot change nor pretend to be what we are not or give up our beliefs of right and wrong, and not be sad that, yes, dreams have turned into nightmares for us. I only wish I could let this go and be happy. I have no choice but to ‘accept’ the fact that my beloved, beautiful daughter is ‘gay,’ but I simply cannot be honest with myself or with her if I said I agreed homosexuality was right or moral nor can I ever celebrate it. My husband and me have aged 30 years over the last 14. I cannot work and am lucky if I can get out of bed anymore and I hid from neighbors who know as this is a gossipy small town. Oh, what a life…can anyone not understand mothers or fathers who can only wish for ‘peace.’ I pray for guidance, but it is so very, very hard. I have to hold my feelings in around my daughter as I don’t want to hurt her. What a mess…I can never be ‘myself,’ again. So, to all the parents out there, I know how hard it can be to express these ‘negative’ feelings, but this site is supposed to be for parents of gay children and it’s hard to be truthful if gay children or other gay people comment here as I believe it may ‘stifle’ some parents and prevent them from writing what they really feel to prevent gay people from being offended or hurt, as I would not want to do. On the other hand, parents cannot be totally open to those negative feelings here if we are going to be worried about offending gay people who may come upon and comment on this site. I believe that if we can express our true feelings, no matter how ‘offensive’ gay people may find them, we need to get these feelings out. This is really the only time I have expressed all of my feelings; I cannot talk to my mother, my friends or my family the way I can here, so I think this place and being able to express our feelings to other parents, maybe we can get through this ‘grieving’ process (as it truly is) and that way this grieving process can proceed ‘normally.’ I am an RN and know that I have not gotten past the ‘anger’ part of grieving…in fact I regress to ‘denial,’ then to horrible sadness…then anger, once again and sometimes all three at once. But, I never get to the ‘end’ of the process and after all of this time, 14 years, has not healed me. Thanks for everyone’s patience and forgive the seemingly endless ramblings…I have been broken and sure could use a little mending. Love and God Bless All

By: Chelsie

Chelsie — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 15:40:44 +0000

You are not alone, my daughter and I had a wonderful relationship until she met this person who now has total control. When I say total control I mean just that. When she would come visit me, this woman would call 25 to 50 times checking on her and now she has had her adopt a child this is to keep her with the finance that my daughter has acquired. We have not seen each other for over a year and not talk for about 11 months. She told me if I can’t accept her partner then i can’t accept her, weird. Why do other gay women want their lover to destroy a relationship with their birth mother?

By: Pepper Clark

Pepper Clark — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 12:53:29 +0000

I am a mother of two wonderful boys, and a 43 year old lesbian. I do not have a relationship with my mother. She, unlike you, does not want to talk about my life. She just judges and condemns. I think that you should continue to communicate with your daughter through email. She may not respond, but she reads them. Don’t go on about the situation between you, give her updates on your life, and her brothers. Make them simple emails. Keep them upbeat and informative, don’t go on about how sad you are, or what she has done, or how you don’t understand what you did to her. She knows these things already. You are the mother and need to try to heal whatever has happened. She is not receptive to those past attempts at discussing your situation, so you must change your approach. YOU may need to talk about those things, but she has made it clear she does not. Send the gifts you have for your granddaughter with a short, sweet card to your granddaughter. Don’t try to communicate to your daughter through your granddaughter. Just remember, time does heal…just not in the time we think it should!

Thinking of you in your time of confusion.

By: sharlene

sharlene — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 07:16:31 +0000

As a mom I do not understand the grieving sadness wanting to die feelings discussed here. My son came to me Jan of this year saying needed to talk then would back out finally one night he was leaving to go out and in the night darkness told me “mom I am with some one and its not a girl” head hung low he went to walk away I called him back told him he didnt get to walk away like that. He looked lost and confused did not want questions so I just told him i love you i want you happy safe and healthy. As weeks went on it was obvious he was embarrassed we had more open talks at first I thought his boyfriend was funny and nice after some months and many late night calls of drunken arguments it has become a huge concern to me that my 20 year old is in an abusive controlling relationship with a 47 year old man. It has gotten now to the point of my son not being able to talk to straight friends on facebook. or even his sis in law as of today without the boyfriend going off deep end. My son has deleted all friends losing lots of weight and in his words “Mom it is something everyday he wants me there to meet him for lunch i work my 9 hours get off at 2 have lunch everything great then he cussing me calling me names because of whatever that day. This man has had more than 6 relationships this is my sons first so I am worried and i need some pointers on talking to a gay man about being in a abusive/controlling relationship. If anyone could help me help my son’

By: Susan

Susan — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 04:56:34 +0000

I just found out about my daughter soon to be 29. I had no clue this girl as been boy crazy since Kindergarten. I worried about her being top boy crazy and active to early. I told her I just wanted her to be happy and be in a comfortable relationship that both partners were equals. Amy tends to take on very needy people that don’t seem to have goals or ambition. Amy has always worked and I think people take advantage of her. She doesn’t make all that much money and barely makes it by on her own. We have always been so close and its so hard to not be a part of her life. She comes around when she wants something. Her two sisters and brother all think this is a phase and Drama. I don’t know. I am so worried about her cutting off contact with us and have no idea what to do. She is a grown women but it hurts after being so close. Not wanting to talk about her girl friend and not knowing anything about her except very negative things she has told me herself has got me really worried. Any help would be greatly apreciated.

By: T from cincy

T from cincy — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 03:43:05 +0000

P.S… I agree entirely with ‘Sara’ above. There is a lot to to be learned from her comments as well. I recommend reading them.

By: T from cincy

T from cincy — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 03:12:36 +0000

Hello to all!

These stories have made me very sad. I am a 27 year old gay male who came out to my parents at the age of 21. Maybe if I explain my perspective on how life was (still is?) for me it will help shed some light onto what your sons or daughters might be feeling. It’s important to keep in mind that from the moment your child tells you that he/she is gay, there is a delicate process of development that the child begins – the development of his/her identity. Yes, it is true that he/she may not enjoy being gay in the long run – NOTHING IS CONCRETE…YET. However, it is imperative that you start supporting your child from the very moment you hear “I’m gay” and be absolutely genuine about it. If you live your life in denial and hope that your child will just grow out of it you are doing more harm then good to your relationship with your child. You child knows you just as good as you know your child and they will almost instantaneously pick-up on your denial. When you get the feeling that your parents aren’t taking you seriously, especially over something so personal as your sexuality, it hurts. A lot.

For all of the parents out there, know this: Unless you were truly abusive to your child – physically and/or emotionally – your child still deeply loves and cares about you no matter what. Now, there is always the possibility that the child mistakenly feels as though you were emotionally abusive, and that very well might be the reason why the child has cut all connections with you. Only YOU would know how to best gage the situation between you and your child, not anyone else on this forum.

First thing is first: LISTEN and ASK QUESTIONS with and OPEN MIND: Yes, helpful advise in parenting forums can be a great source of solace. The soon you understand that your child more than likely feels as though you aren’t listening to him/her, and/or refusing to see things from their perspective, the sooner you will understand what is going on. Remember, THEY might be the ones at fault for not considering YOUR perspective, too. Coming out is a process that affects everyone in family, not just your child and the sooner the child understands this the better. But you have to find the appropriate way of explaining this to your child if he/she clearly doesn’t get it. You are the adult and MUST TRY to be the bigger person and lead by example, not by butting heads.

Coming out is a personal process; It’s all about the person (your child) sharing a very private thing with you: the fact that he/she is sexually attracted to members of the same sex. It’s simply really; Your son or daughter is sharing a very private part of him or herself to you because they do NOT want you to see them as someone who they are not: heterosexual. This might seem trivial on the surface, but it really isn’t. They feel as though you need to know and they are wanting you to understand them better. All they want, like any child, is love.

Now, where the struggle comes into play for many gay people (including me) is how the family reacts to this news and ultimately the quality of support the family does (or does not) provide. When I came, my mother cried. It really hurt me to know that I just made my mother cry. She then made the statement: “Oh, honey, I just don’t know what your father’s friends at work are going to think…” As if MY sexuality had anything to do with my father and his friends. Well, at the time, that was the WRONG type of statement to make because it was an instant message of rejection in the form of fear of acceptance from my parents’ social-sphere.

Of course, I was being naive to think that my life doesn’t affect other people’s lives, and my parents were simply fearing the unknown. My parents also grew up in a different time where gay people were deeply outcast by society, more so than they are today. But I didn’t realize any of this until a few years ago. The time spent between then and now involved a lot of maturing and growing and understanding that, yes, my life decisions do affect other people, indirectly or directly. That’s just a fact of life I had to learn. You child might not get this yet, or, perhaps you have given your child plenty of reason to believe that his/her actions are not taken seriously enough so that they will go live a life with people who DO take them seriously even though their actions might now be, sadly, out of spite. Don’t give up on trying to be a good parent to them. They will (hopefully) feel guilt at some point.

I understand how you might view your child has being selfish because this is all about him/her, right? Well, you are correct, and you are incorrect. Treating your gay child as if he/she is selfish is like telling a pregnant woman she is guilty of adultery; It’s true, but making an observation of such rash judgement is both irrelevant and isolating. It does nothing but show that you are uninterested in loving and supporting your child and more interested in calling them names. Nobody is perfect, we all act selfish from time to time, and this is your child’s time to act selfish. The sooner you accept that the sooner your child will “get over it” and want to be a nicer person. Again, lead by example.

I grew up in a very loving household – very traditional, conservative, household – with a free-spirit mother and a traditional father. My parents always had an idea that I was gay, but they never really connected the dots as I grew up and provided any real support for me. They told me how they couldn’t just assume that their son was gay and that they didn’t know exactly how to deal with it. I used to resent them so much for not “getting” me, but it time I realized, OK, wait a minute, it’s not fair for me to feel that way about them. They did the best they could and I now respect them for that as much as I possibly can. I love my parents tremendously – how could I not, they are my parents?! And I do feel horrible for any pain or misery my coming out might have caused them. I truly do have the best parents! But most importantly, with their loving support and affection, I can now deeply love myself and be a happier, healthier human, and that makes everyone feel better.

Please email me if you have any questions about my experience. There is so much more I would like to share out of hopes to help more parents understand their gay children. My life has by no means been perfect, but I feel that I have grown in many ways and I would love to help others with my experiences if I can.

tfromcincy@gmail.com