My Daughter Is Gay And I Need Help
Hello and I wanted to ask a few questions. My daughter is gay has married her life partner who has given birth to a baby boy now going on age 2 ..My daughter is very educated and has moved to the west coast to live and wants nothing to do with me??? Is it normal or let me put it another way do gay adult children form new family bonds with other gays and shut out family members for whatever reason????
I never had a problem with her being gay but feel she feels uncomfortable with me I think. She told me she never wanted to talk about her childhood or bring up any memories. It is like she has erased herself and created another person. She has changed her name and her telephone number and will not answer my e-mails and I have pleaded for closure and giving me some idea.
I asked her point blank what the problem and I said your treating me as if I were a toxic parent. She said I was and made the call brief thus in bad judgement I called her a spoiled brat and went into the stunned anger of saying all I have done for her….Looking back I see that was a hudge mistake. I have two older sons who are loving people and we all get the fact you must love and understand people for who they are and how they wish to live their life…This is very painful and it seems so simple to me one talks it out but I will not be given that chance… I never drank, smoked pot, took drugs but did make the mistake of letting her do what she wanted but she was a hard worker and always took care of her business and she was a great kid.
In her childhood age 9 I was a single parent with no child support and worked hard and gave her what I thought was a good life… I tried taking her to church and we both went for help on my divorce issues…. She was always so good and never gave me few problems….. My daughter-in-law ( her life partner ) has a MED, Ma and working on a PHD.in psychology and I think she does not care for me …Several years ago when I visited I stayed in a motel and no one offered to even fix a small meal.
We took a drive to the coast and my daughter wore a head set and seemed not intredsted in talking. I have not been back or seen the baby. I have money, gifts and made the baby a homemade quilt. It has been a very difficult and confussing journey and I was not a parent who cared if she was gay????? I am 62 and hope before I die she will forgive me for whatever i did and call. I would love to understand so if this is something that happens often please let me know. If I can help another person please let me know…
Debbie- I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe you could send her a letter explaining how you feel. Don’t give up…keep trying to get her back. But until then, enjoy your two boys. Don’t forget they are still there for you.
I am sorry. It is really diffcult and very sad to be rejected by a child. I don’t think this is necessarily a sexuality issue. Heterosexual children also reject their parents, particularly if they hook up with a person who doesn’t get on with you. I think you should continue sending letters, cards and presents to your new grandchild. Always enquire on your daughter and her partners wellbeing in the letters. However I would stop asking her what is wrong. Maybe as her child gets older, and she realises how hard it is to try and “get it right” with her child, she will forgive you for what ever she thinks you did wrong in her upbringing. Good luck to you and enjoy your two sons.
Elaine
Dear Debbie,
After reading your heartfelt letter I needed to reply and say how sad and sorry to hear how your daughter has cut you out of her life. I have only recently realised my daughter is gay and know the reason now why she cut me out of her life and nearly disappeared. I accepted her being gay from the start, but its almost as if she cannot accept herself still. I too am hanging on by the skin of my teeth to keep communication with Kristie; so your can imagine how hearing your situation affected me! All I keep doing is reassuring her that she is loved and cherished but at times she pulls down the shutters and I live in fear of losing her. Her new partner may also not want the closeness of her family too. I can only pray for us both. Godbless x Sheila.
Dear Debbie,
Our son, age 23, Harvard graduate also has rejected us, his family . I loved him so much and now I feel like i hate him. His actions have caused us so much anguish, I have been grieving like it was his death, although with no closure and so much more anger.Do gay young people have to come to terms with themselves, do they act out their confusion on their parents? Is this normal, or is he just a spoiled, ungrateful, mean human being? I am so glad to find this website, I have been too ashamed of my son’s behaviour to talk to anyone about my hurt and grief. I will pray for all of you and am so glad I am not allow in my confusion. Sue
Debbie, I also share your pain. My daughter is gay and I have always excepted her as best I can. We have a very close relationship, but it hasn’t been easy for me. Things still arise to create problems, even though we are close. I don’t like the open affection she and her partner seem to need to share around us. She can’t seem to understand, or does not want to, that we don’t see the need for that display. I asked her to please not do that when we have an older relative coming to visit, but in her eyes, I’ve rejected her gayness by asking this one small favor, and she told me that maybe she needs to halt her visits. I don’t want to see that if she were my straight daughter and her boyfriend. I don’t understand the need for this when anyone is out in public. But she tells me that she’s comfortable with who she is, and she won’t change, and she certainly doesn’t want to tell her partner how I feel. Maybe I’ve accepted her too much. I think Sheila is on to something though, when she said that they haven’t accepted themselves, and I think they all react differently to it. So, please just realize that even a close relationship with a gay child has it’s pitfalls, and I’m sure we’re all blamed for something that happened in their childhood. I know it’s difficult for you right now, but at least your not being stressed with the complications such a relationship can cause, and maybe in some way, your daughter is trying to protect you from her lifestyle.
Dear Ladies,
All your letter’s make me sad. I’m gay and I would love to talk to any of you ladies about your situation. Please remember your kids still love you no matter what and I hope one day they all realize that. My mother and I have a great relationship I live in Minnesota and she lives in ILL but we talk 2 or 3 times a day. I’m 45 years old and been out since I was 16. My family always knew, and it was never a issue. You have to life your life for you and what makes you happy. here is my email address if you ladies need to talk. lhicks@jjamz.com
Once again i’m so sorry.
laurie
My son came home for Christmas and told his father and I that he was gay. I have cried every day. Basically I am grieving for the loss of my son. I can’t confide in my friends. I talked to the priest who gave words of comfort. I talked to a counselor who didn’t help at all. My husband (his father) doesn’t want to talk about; almost like we need to pretend everything is “normal”. But I’m in a deep well with blackness closing in on me. I pray for death because right now my heart is in pieces.
I’m so sorry Mary! Don’t give up, but I do understand how you feel. It’s the worst feeling anyone can ever have, but it’s not worth death (but believe me I have thought that too)I try to pretend everything is normal too, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. I have cried almost everyday since Sept. of this year.I try to enjoy her and not think about it when she is home. She is a different person when she spends time with her friend. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with us when they are together. To you Laurie, I am happy it has worked out for you and your family. The one thing that hurts me the most is that my daughter has been lying to me for 5 years. There may be people who are “gay” but I think these days the society has changed the way people act. Celeb’s like Adam Lambert and Lady GaGa make it worse. I would hope my child would never act like them. It’s an embarrassment to all gays in my opinion.
Dear Mary,
You have not lost your son, only the dreams that you had for him. Over time your dreams will change to fit who your son really is. My son is also gay, (age 23) and it is very, very hard to come to terms with it, we were too slow in the process, apparently, and our son saw it as a rejection of him and now has nothing to do with us. When that happened,I too also prayed for death. PFLAG meetings (parents and friends of lesbians and gays) have really helped us with the gay issue, however, nothing helps with the rejection issue. Give yourself time to learn about being gay, check out books from the library, let you son know you need time but that you want to support him and are really trying. Hopefully your son will appreciate your efforts, (my son did not) and be patient in your journey. You are at the beginning and it will get better. Your son is the same person that he has always been, the fact that he told you and his father about being gay speaks volumes about the trust and love he has for you and what wonderful parents you have been to him.
I am so sorry for all of you ladies, I can’t imagine the pain you all must be feeling. As a young gay woman myself, I have difficulties understanding why your children would back away from your efforts! From what I understand, you are all doing the best you can at this time. Maybe your children need time away from their families to adjust to their new lifestyles, or maybe they were scared of rejection and just couldn’t take it when you didn’t embrace their orientation right away. I advice you, like many others before me, to be patient. Sooner or later, your children will come around. They will realize just how important their families are to them, and once they do, they will be grateful that you never lost faith in them. I myself have always been met with acceptance and love from my family, and I would be lost without them. You are all good mothers; nothing means more than that. Just keep trying.
I am glad I found this site as well, I have been feeling so alone.
I am the mother of two gay children. My daughter is 22 and lesbian and my son is 19 and gay.
Reading that other people actually hate their children at times… made me burst into tears. That is an emotion I wasnt ready to face but there it is.
I am trying so hard to understand them but I feel they make no effort to understand my feelings. My son has started wearing make-up and some feminine clothing and I know my disappointment shows on my face even though I really am trying to be there for him.
Its a bad state of affairs really. I need to work on it for sure, but I am trying to be strong.
Be strong and don’t give up hope!!! It’s the society we live in today that makes kids think it’s ok. I am trying to understand my daughter…but it’s hard. I read the post about people saying I’m selfish, but it’s the way I feel. I’m not going to be ok with it until I know for sure it’s really how my daughter is and then I will deal with it just as other parents do because I love her. And for the one’s that think I’m a horrible parent. THere are other things going on not just the “gay” thing. I want the best for her!
Wow, My daughter has divorced me as of 2years & 4months ago. It almost seems like a craze or something after reading theses blogs. I too thought I was a bad mother. What in the world did I do. Before my daughter met her partner, we were so close. We were best of friends. When she was 25 she met her partner. After that she and her partner were short with me, criticized me, and it was like begging them to make time to see me. Then out of the blue my daughter calls me and tells me that she has a new life now. Her partner has two mothers and a big family, so she doesn’t need me in her life. She changed her phone and doesn’t answer her e-mail. I have sent cards with checks, and the checks are never cashed. She told me she is happier now than she ever has been in her life and she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t think it would hurt anymore if I was stabbed in the heart with a knife and turn it.
I am praying for all you bloggers. Please pray for me!
Thanks and God Bless You All!
Speaking as a daughter who is gay and got amazing support from her mom- i just want to tell you that it is hard to come out and expose that side of yourself to your parents for fear that they won’t love and accept you anymore- it’s terrifying so as hard as it is for you, it’s even harder for your child and what they want more than anything is for you to love them and help them through one of the hardest times in their lives, so try to remember that you are still the parent and your love means the most to your child, hang in there and keep trying.
Brandy, thanks for your response. I don’t know what to do. Do I wait until she contacts me, or do I start e-mailing her again, and or sending her/them cards every so often? Your response was encouraging.
God Bless!
Never been very involved with organized religion but believe me, I AM praying for all of us….and hope the anguish we are feeling today eases tomorrow.
To Deb, Keep trying, maybe send your daughter a link to this site? Or PFLAG? Hugs
Debbie,
I’m sorry to hear about your painful situation. I hope my words can help you:
My mother has always known about my sexual orientaion but never knew until recently my gender identity. I always felt that i had to hide my true self, especially from her. i don’t know why. I began to reject my mother in my mind when she separated from my father to seek out true happiness in romance and i moved out at 17 and cut off contact with her. I felt like she had abandoned me or knew my secret and wasnt happy with who i was and needed someone else, some real man to make her life happy. My deeply caring and affectionate mother had no idea i felt this way. All she knew was that i was severely depressed most of the time and often angry with her or the world and blaming her for my depression. so many words i wish i could take back. we are going to counselling together now and healing one step at a time.
hi
i too had my suspicions of my daughter of being gay or bisexual or whatever they come up with now….and i really dont care what sexuality she chooses what i do care about is my grandson he is my heart, my daughter left her son father when he was 6m they lived w/me for 3 1/2yrs she did not have a job i took on the two of them out of love, loyalty to my daughter and grandson and wanted to give her some time to go on w/her life after f nut i call him,,,my daughter told me terrible things he did emotionally, mentally, spiritually i cried w/her hugged her and said she will be ok so i thought giving her a year she would get back on her feet and try she didnt she became disrespectful, untrustworthy, mean spirited, child unlike the girl i raised sudddenly i did not know who she was we use to talk 2/3 times a day not just as mom/daughter but friends she knew what line not to cross w/me as a mother….well anyways her behavior was way out of line she used drugs, alcohol, stayed out til am hrs and i mean i had to go to work by 7 and i am calling around so my grandson would not be alone few times i ended up bringing him w/me to work God how emabarassing she did not care….so w/my suspicion I did ask my daugher are you gay her response was a disgusting look and walked away from me well she finally got a full time job 3yrs ago and i gave her 1m to find her own place she was pysst as for my grandson i prayed every nite for his safety health everything and cried to sleep as my daughter uses my grandson who him and i have a bond so close its like she is jealous and for god sake i pretty much took care of him till i asked her to leave she is so mean she really is a terrible screamer vengenful person she uses my grandson as punishment to me i have gone from every day to seeing him and him me to the most 3/4 times a month to every other month of seeing him it kills me and i know it does him….last june she confirmed of her lesbianism only as i was invited over to her partners home i asked she never offered me any info, i asked what her last name is not my business why u want to know, i ask how she is w/my grandson she says fine, this woman is 15yrs older my daughters ex was 12y older and both tell her what to do like im the one getting the punishment for her decision of her life, she was never abused by me i was single divorced worked hard treated her w/respect and her me but now I DO HATE THIS CHILD I BORN…she is not the same, they always do holidays at her partners they visit her partners parents as her partner is close w/family they invite friends family of my daughter partner over many times thru summer me 2x and i am told my daughter has issues w/me yet when i ask what they are she says she doesnt want to argue ….i hate this woman she has become i try so hard to remeber the daughter i raised and had a relationship with til her age of 28 she is now 32 and God i cant handle it my grandson is going thru terrible times of trouble and he is only 6 she talks more w/the abusing ex also alleged child molestation of my grandson then me ………..tell me how not to judge cuz i never was a judgmental person now i am so becoming angrier every day and hate and believe it or not I hate me for that I lost faith and this whole bs is killing me……….
I’m glad I came across this site. My daughter just told my husband and I that she was gay, that her entire life was a lie and that we should just accept it. I’m disappointed, hurt and very confused.
I pray to God that she made the right decision and that it’ll make her happy. It’s nice to know that there are other mothers out there going through the same pain and anguishment. I love all of you.
Reading these comments Iam glad I am not alone. My daughter told me in September 2009 she is either bisexual or a lesbian although I had suspected things for several years. She was always different at school,lots of things made me think she was a lesbian but then she had boyfriends and eventually became engaged to one so I just thought maybe I was overreacting. However she brought a girl into the house with some friends and immediately I sensed something was wrong – all the family disliked her, she was definitely up to something, bring her to sleep in the same room etc. as boyfriend and eventually after some very difficult incidents we told her the friend was not welcome in the house, her fiancee hated the girl and to cut a long and extremely painful time short she split from the boyfriend on the pretence of his temper problems etc. she had always been very secretive and now she is seeing her. We are all devastated and I have told her if she had been open many years ago, we had always had a very good relationship, even one which some of my friends admired, but this counted for nothing even when I sometimes would ask her gently if she wanted to talk about anything etc. on numerous occasions. She deliberately cheated on a boyfriend who had not had a great time previously with family etc. and who thought the world of her,she should have split with him and been honest although now he tells me he knew all the time and has apologised to me for lying!! How sad this makes me feel, she cheated on him for two years like this and it was such a difficult time for myself, her father and younger sister. She realises now she should have been honest but now we cannot tolerate the girl at all and she has not been allowed into our home for 18 months and we have told her she never ever will be. Our daughter ranted and raved, basically because she has not got her own way, and we have told her that we have always welcomed friends etc. before and probably will with someone else but never with this girl. Just her name makes me feel sick – I have never hated anyone so much in all my life, my husband and I have rowed endlessly although we are better now, my younger daughter has nothing but contempt for her sister, my daughter does not want anyone to know “as it may not last!” I actually wish I had never had my daughter now, I never thought this would happen to us, she is successful academically but has always had problems socially and with friends. My husband and I have actually told each other we would like to tell her to clear off but know that is not the solution and we both admit we prefer it when she is not in the house, even her sister says this! she is still secretive but we always know when she is seeing her, paying for hotels to stay in, trips to other towns, probably where no one will recognise her! I have said be open and if you were happy with someone you would be proud to be seen with them and that in the end it always come out and someone will see you somewhere but still she creeps around. I have told her she will always be welcome at home, will always have a room (twice she has tried to move out with the girl!) and that many people have partners who their families don’t like but I sometimes think where did this all go wrong, if I had my time now I would not have had her as the joy she should have brought us is ruined by what is happening and I just can’t see any end to it all.
I would be grateful for any advice or help from anyone
Reading these coments makes me sad but comferted. My friend who is like a sister to me resonly told me she is gay. She refuses to tell her parents and family. I’m sworn to secresy but I honestly feel wrong about keeping this from her parents Even though she is 18 and is an adult. I am 16 and very unsure of what to do. As parents please tell me if you would rather ur childs friend to tell you that your kid is gay and have them lose that friendship or keep the promise of secresy and let you find out on your own? My friend is afraid of being in trouble with her family she doesn’t want them to be mad at her. I want what is best for her and I would want to do the right thing even if I have to sacredise our friendship I will if it was what’s best for her because I love her.
I am writing through tears after reading these ltrs. My daughter is in a gay relationship (16 yrs old) for over a year now. She still tells me she is not gay, she just loves this person. I am trying to understand but feel that even if this person was not the same sex, I would not like her to be so obsessed with this one person at this age. My daughter is in counseling for alcohol abuse and the other girls has many many famils issues/problems. After much time trying to keep them apart, I have decided to “ride it out” and let her come over and let them spend time together. I am hoping they will get over eachother and move on at some point, but I cry every night. My daughter and I used to be so close but now I find she HATES me and says she hates our house. My husband cannot be around when this girls comes over, he makes himself scarce and I feel so alone. My mantra, is “Let go, let God” and I work out at the gym to relieve my stress in the hopes of being a better parent. I am so sad for all of you and I feel your pain and the feeling of a child dying (the death of a dream-the dreams for her future as a heterosexural-marriage, grandchildren, shared experiences, etc) I lost a baby girl at birth before I had this daughter and I am so scared of losing her too. I appreciate any insights. I love her so much. Thank you all for sharing your stories.