My Daughter Is Gay And I Need Help
Hello and I wanted to ask a few questions. My daughter is gay has married her life partner who has given birth to a baby boy now going on age 2 ..My daughter is very educated and has moved to the west coast to live and wants nothing to do with me??? Is it normal or let me put it another way do gay adult children form new family bonds with other gays and shut out family members for whatever reason????
I never had a problem with her being gay but feel she feels uncomfortable with me I think. She told me she never wanted to talk about her childhood or bring up any memories. It is like she has erased herself and created another person. She has changed her name and her telephone number and will not answer my e-mails and I have pleaded for closure and giving me some idea.
I asked her point blank what the problem and I said your treating me as if I were a toxic parent. She said I was and made the call brief thus in bad judgement I called her a spoiled brat and went into the stunned anger of saying all I have done for her….Looking back I see that was a hudge mistake. I have two older sons who are loving people and we all get the fact you must love and understand people for who they are and how they wish to live their life…This is very painful and it seems so simple to me one talks it out but I will not be given that chance… I never drank, smoked pot, took drugs but did make the mistake of letting her do what she wanted but she was a hard worker and always took care of her business and she was a great kid.
In her childhood age 9 I was a single parent with no child support and worked hard and gave her what I thought was a good life… I tried taking her to church and we both went for help on my divorce issues…. She was always so good and never gave me few problems….. My daughter-in-law ( her life partner ) has a MED, Ma and working on a PHD.in psychology and I think she does not care for me …Several years ago when I visited I stayed in a motel and no one offered to even fix a small meal.
We took a drive to the coast and my daughter wore a head set and seemed not intredsted in talking. I have not been back or seen the baby. I have money, gifts and made the baby a homemade quilt. It has been a very difficult and confussing journey and I was not a parent who cared if she was gay????? I am 62 and hope before I die she will forgive me for whatever i did and call. I would love to understand so if this is something that happens often please let me know. If I can help another person please let me know…
Debbie- I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe you could send her a letter explaining how you feel. Don’t give up…keep trying to get her back. But until then, enjoy your two boys. Don’t forget they are still there for you.
I am sorry. It is really diffcult and very sad to be rejected by a child. I don’t think this is necessarily a sexuality issue. Heterosexual children also reject their parents, particularly if they hook up with a person who doesn’t get on with you. I think you should continue sending letters, cards and presents to your new grandchild. Always enquire on your daughter and her partners wellbeing in the letters. However I would stop asking her what is wrong. Maybe as her child gets older, and she realises how hard it is to try and “get it right” with her child, she will forgive you for what ever she thinks you did wrong in her upbringing. Good luck to you and enjoy your two sons.
Elaine
Dear Debbie,
After reading your heartfelt letter I needed to reply and say how sad and sorry to hear how your daughter has cut you out of her life. I have only recently realised my daughter is gay and know the reason now why she cut me out of her life and nearly disappeared. I accepted her being gay from the start, but its almost as if she cannot accept herself still. I too am hanging on by the skin of my teeth to keep communication with Kristie; so your can imagine how hearing your situation affected me! All I keep doing is reassuring her that she is loved and cherished but at times she pulls down the shutters and I live in fear of losing her. Her new partner may also not want the closeness of her family too. I can only pray for us both. Godbless x Sheila.
Dear Debbie,
Our son, age 23, Harvard graduate also has rejected us, his family . I loved him so much and now I feel like i hate him. His actions have caused us so much anguish, I have been grieving like it was his death, although with no closure and so much more anger.Do gay young people have to come to terms with themselves, do they act out their confusion on their parents? Is this normal, or is he just a spoiled, ungrateful, mean human being? I am so glad to find this website, I have been too ashamed of my son’s behaviour to talk to anyone about my hurt and grief. I will pray for all of you and am so glad I am not allow in my confusion. Sue
Debbie, I also share your pain. My daughter is gay and I have always excepted her as best I can. We have a very close relationship, but it hasn’t been easy for me. Things still arise to create problems, even though we are close. I don’t like the open affection she and her partner seem to need to share around us. She can’t seem to understand, or does not want to, that we don’t see the need for that display. I asked her to please not do that when we have an older relative coming to visit, but in her eyes, I’ve rejected her gayness by asking this one small favor, and she told me that maybe she needs to halt her visits. I don’t want to see that if she were my straight daughter and her boyfriend. I don’t understand the need for this when anyone is out in public. But she tells me that she’s comfortable with who she is, and she won’t change, and she certainly doesn’t want to tell her partner how I feel. Maybe I’ve accepted her too much. I think Sheila is on to something though, when she said that they haven’t accepted themselves, and I think they all react differently to it. So, please just realize that even a close relationship with a gay child has it’s pitfalls, and I’m sure we’re all blamed for something that happened in their childhood. I know it’s difficult for you right now, but at least your not being stressed with the complications such a relationship can cause, and maybe in some way, your daughter is trying to protect you from her lifestyle.
Dear Ladies,
All your letter’s make me sad. I’m gay and I would love to talk to any of you ladies about your situation. Please remember your kids still love you no matter what and I hope one day they all realize that. My mother and I have a great relationship I live in Minnesota and she lives in ILL but we talk 2 or 3 times a day. I’m 45 years old and been out since I was 16. My family always knew, and it was never a issue. You have to life your life for you and what makes you happy. here is my email address if you ladies need to talk. lhicks@jjamz.com
Once again i’m so sorry.
laurie
My son came home for Christmas and told his father and I that he was gay. I have cried every day. Basically I am grieving for the loss of my son. I can’t confide in my friends. I talked to the priest who gave words of comfort. I talked to a counselor who didn’t help at all. My husband (his father) doesn’t want to talk about; almost like we need to pretend everything is “normal”. But I’m in a deep well with blackness closing in on me. I pray for death because right now my heart is in pieces.
I’m so sorry Mary! Don’t give up, but I do understand how you feel. It’s the worst feeling anyone can ever have, but it’s not worth death (but believe me I have thought that too)I try to pretend everything is normal too, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. I have cried almost everyday since Sept. of this year.I try to enjoy her and not think about it when she is home. She is a different person when she spends time with her friend. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with us when they are together. To you Laurie, I am happy it has worked out for you and your family. The one thing that hurts me the most is that my daughter has been lying to me for 5 years. There may be people who are “gay” but I think these days the society has changed the way people act. Celeb’s like Adam Lambert and Lady GaGa make it worse. I would hope my child would never act like them. It’s an embarrassment to all gays in my opinion.
Dear Mary,
You have not lost your son, only the dreams that you had for him. Over time your dreams will change to fit who your son really is. My son is also gay, (age 23) and it is very, very hard to come to terms with it, we were too slow in the process, apparently, and our son saw it as a rejection of him and now has nothing to do with us. When that happened,I too also prayed for death. PFLAG meetings (parents and friends of lesbians and gays) have really helped us with the gay issue, however, nothing helps with the rejection issue. Give yourself time to learn about being gay, check out books from the library, let you son know you need time but that you want to support him and are really trying. Hopefully your son will appreciate your efforts, (my son did not) and be patient in your journey. You are at the beginning and it will get better. Your son is the same person that he has always been, the fact that he told you and his father about being gay speaks volumes about the trust and love he has for you and what wonderful parents you have been to him.
I am so sorry for all of you ladies, I can’t imagine the pain you all must be feeling. As a young gay woman myself, I have difficulties understanding why your children would back away from your efforts! From what I understand, you are all doing the best you can at this time. Maybe your children need time away from their families to adjust to their new lifestyles, or maybe they were scared of rejection and just couldn’t take it when you didn’t embrace their orientation right away. I advice you, like many others before me, to be patient. Sooner or later, your children will come around. They will realize just how important their families are to them, and once they do, they will be grateful that you never lost faith in them. I myself have always been met with acceptance and love from my family, and I would be lost without them. You are all good mothers; nothing means more than that. Just keep trying.
I am glad I found this site as well, I have been feeling so alone.
I am the mother of two gay children. My daughter is 22 and lesbian and my son is 19 and gay.
Reading that other people actually hate their children at times… made me burst into tears. That is an emotion I wasnt ready to face but there it is.
I am trying so hard to understand them but I feel they make no effort to understand my feelings. My son has started wearing make-up and some feminine clothing and I know my disappointment shows on my face even though I really am trying to be there for him.
Its a bad state of affairs really. I need to work on it for sure, but I am trying to be strong.
Be strong and don’t give up hope!!! It’s the society we live in today that makes kids think it’s ok. I am trying to understand my daughter…but it’s hard. I read the post about people saying I’m selfish, but it’s the way I feel. I’m not going to be ok with it until I know for sure it’s really how my daughter is and then I will deal with it just as other parents do because I love her. And for the one’s that think I’m a horrible parent. THere are other things going on not just the “gay” thing. I want the best for her!
Wow, My daughter has divorced me as of 2years & 4months ago. It almost seems like a craze or something after reading theses blogs. I too thought I was a bad mother. What in the world did I do. Before my daughter met her partner, we were so close. We were best of friends. When she was 25 she met her partner. After that she and her partner were short with me, criticized me, and it was like begging them to make time to see me. Then out of the blue my daughter calls me and tells me that she has a new life now. Her partner has two mothers and a big family, so she doesn’t need me in her life. She changed her phone and doesn’t answer her e-mail. I have sent cards with checks, and the checks are never cashed. She told me she is happier now than she ever has been in her life and she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t think it would hurt anymore if I was stabbed in the heart with a knife and turn it.
I am praying for all you bloggers. Please pray for me!
Thanks and God Bless You All!
Speaking as a daughter who is gay and got amazing support from her mom- i just want to tell you that it is hard to come out and expose that side of yourself to your parents for fear that they won’t love and accept you anymore- it’s terrifying so as hard as it is for you, it’s even harder for your child and what they want more than anything is for you to love them and help them through one of the hardest times in their lives, so try to remember that you are still the parent and your love means the most to your child, hang in there and keep trying.
Brandy, thanks for your response. I don’t know what to do. Do I wait until she contacts me, or do I start e-mailing her again, and or sending her/them cards every so often? Your response was encouraging.
God Bless!
Never been very involved with organized religion but believe me, I AM praying for all of us….and hope the anguish we are feeling today eases tomorrow.
To Deb, Keep trying, maybe send your daughter a link to this site? Or PFLAG? Hugs
Debbie,
I’m sorry to hear about your painful situation. I hope my words can help you:
My mother has always known about my sexual orientaion but never knew until recently my gender identity. I always felt that i had to hide my true self, especially from her. i don’t know why. I began to reject my mother in my mind when she separated from my father to seek out true happiness in romance and i moved out at 17 and cut off contact with her. I felt like she had abandoned me or knew my secret and wasnt happy with who i was and needed someone else, some real man to make her life happy. My deeply caring and affectionate mother had no idea i felt this way. All she knew was that i was severely depressed most of the time and often angry with her or the world and blaming her for my depression. so many words i wish i could take back. we are going to counselling together now and healing one step at a time.
hi
i too had my suspicions of my daughter of being gay or bisexual or whatever they come up with now….and i really dont care what sexuality she chooses what i do care about is my grandson he is my heart, my daughter left her son father when he was 6m they lived w/me for 3 1/2yrs she did not have a job i took on the two of them out of love, loyalty to my daughter and grandson and wanted to give her some time to go on w/her life after f nut i call him,,,my daughter told me terrible things he did emotionally, mentally, spiritually i cried w/her hugged her and said she will be ok so i thought giving her a year she would get back on her feet and try she didnt she became disrespectful, untrustworthy, mean spirited, child unlike the girl i raised sudddenly i did not know who she was we use to talk 2/3 times a day not just as mom/daughter but friends she knew what line not to cross w/me as a mother….well anyways her behavior was way out of line she used drugs, alcohol, stayed out til am hrs and i mean i had to go to work by 7 and i am calling around so my grandson would not be alone few times i ended up bringing him w/me to work God how emabarassing she did not care….so w/my suspicion I did ask my daugher are you gay her response was a disgusting look and walked away from me well she finally got a full time job 3yrs ago and i gave her 1m to find her own place she was pysst as for my grandson i prayed every nite for his safety health everything and cried to sleep as my daughter uses my grandson who him and i have a bond so close its like she is jealous and for god sake i pretty much took care of him till i asked her to leave she is so mean she really is a terrible screamer vengenful person she uses my grandson as punishment to me i have gone from every day to seeing him and him me to the most 3/4 times a month to every other month of seeing him it kills me and i know it does him….last june she confirmed of her lesbianism only as i was invited over to her partners home i asked she never offered me any info, i asked what her last name is not my business why u want to know, i ask how she is w/my grandson she says fine, this woman is 15yrs older my daughters ex was 12y older and both tell her what to do like im the one getting the punishment for her decision of her life, she was never abused by me i was single divorced worked hard treated her w/respect and her me but now I DO HATE THIS CHILD I BORN…she is not the same, they always do holidays at her partners they visit her partners parents as her partner is close w/family they invite friends family of my daughter partner over many times thru summer me 2x and i am told my daughter has issues w/me yet when i ask what they are she says she doesnt want to argue ….i hate this woman she has become i try so hard to remeber the daughter i raised and had a relationship with til her age of 28 she is now 32 and God i cant handle it my grandson is going thru terrible times of trouble and he is only 6 she talks more w/the abusing ex also alleged child molestation of my grandson then me ………..tell me how not to judge cuz i never was a judgmental person now i am so becoming angrier every day and hate and believe it or not I hate me for that I lost faith and this whole bs is killing me……….
I’m glad I came across this site. My daughter just told my husband and I that she was gay, that her entire life was a lie and that we should just accept it. I’m disappointed, hurt and very confused.
I pray to God that she made the right decision and that it’ll make her happy. It’s nice to know that there are other mothers out there going through the same pain and anguishment. I love all of you.
Reading these comments Iam glad I am not alone. My daughter told me in September 2009 she is either bisexual or a lesbian although I had suspected things for several years. She was always different at school,lots of things made me think she was a lesbian but then she had boyfriends and eventually became engaged to one so I just thought maybe I was overreacting. However she brought a girl into the house with some friends and immediately I sensed something was wrong – all the family disliked her, she was definitely up to something, bring her to sleep in the same room etc. as boyfriend and eventually after some very difficult incidents we told her the friend was not welcome in the house, her fiancee hated the girl and to cut a long and extremely painful time short she split from the boyfriend on the pretence of his temper problems etc. she had always been very secretive and now she is seeing her. We are all devastated and I have told her if she had been open many years ago, we had always had a very good relationship, even one which some of my friends admired, but this counted for nothing even when I sometimes would ask her gently if she wanted to talk about anything etc. on numerous occasions. She deliberately cheated on a boyfriend who had not had a great time previously with family etc. and who thought the world of her,she should have split with him and been honest although now he tells me he knew all the time and has apologised to me for lying!! How sad this makes me feel, she cheated on him for two years like this and it was such a difficult time for myself, her father and younger sister. She realises now she should have been honest but now we cannot tolerate the girl at all and she has not been allowed into our home for 18 months and we have told her she never ever will be. Our daughter ranted and raved, basically because she has not got her own way, and we have told her that we have always welcomed friends etc. before and probably will with someone else but never with this girl. Just her name makes me feel sick – I have never hated anyone so much in all my life, my husband and I have rowed endlessly although we are better now, my younger daughter has nothing but contempt for her sister, my daughter does not want anyone to know “as it may not last!” I actually wish I had never had my daughter now, I never thought this would happen to us, she is successful academically but has always had problems socially and with friends. My husband and I have actually told each other we would like to tell her to clear off but know that is not the solution and we both admit we prefer it when she is not in the house, even her sister says this! she is still secretive but we always know when she is seeing her, paying for hotels to stay in, trips to other towns, probably where no one will recognise her! I have said be open and if you were happy with someone you would be proud to be seen with them and that in the end it always come out and someone will see you somewhere but still she creeps around. I have told her she will always be welcome at home, will always have a room (twice she has tried to move out with the girl!) and that many people have partners who their families don’t like but I sometimes think where did this all go wrong, if I had my time now I would not have had her as the joy she should have brought us is ruined by what is happening and I just can’t see any end to it all.
I would be grateful for any advice or help from anyone
Reading these coments makes me sad but comferted. My friend who is like a sister to me resonly told me she is gay. She refuses to tell her parents and family. I’m sworn to secresy but I honestly feel wrong about keeping this from her parents Even though she is 18 and is an adult. I am 16 and very unsure of what to do. As parents please tell me if you would rather ur childs friend to tell you that your kid is gay and have them lose that friendship or keep the promise of secresy and let you find out on your own? My friend is afraid of being in trouble with her family she doesn’t want them to be mad at her. I want what is best for her and I would want to do the right thing even if I have to sacredise our friendship I will if it was what’s best for her because I love her.
I am writing through tears after reading these ltrs. My daughter is in a gay relationship (16 yrs old) for over a year now. She still tells me she is not gay, she just loves this person. I am trying to understand but feel that even if this person was not the same sex, I would not like her to be so obsessed with this one person at this age. My daughter is in counseling for alcohol abuse and the other girls has many many famils issues/problems. After much time trying to keep them apart, I have decided to “ride it out” and let her come over and let them spend time together. I am hoping they will get over eachother and move on at some point, but I cry every night. My daughter and I used to be so close but now I find she HATES me and says she hates our house. My husband cannot be around when this girls comes over, he makes himself scarce and I feel so alone. My mantra, is “Let go, let God” and I work out at the gym to relieve my stress in the hopes of being a better parent. I am so sad for all of you and I feel your pain and the feeling of a child dying (the death of a dream-the dreams for her future as a heterosexural-marriage, grandchildren, shared experiences, etc) I lost a baby girl at birth before I had this daughter and I am so scared of losing her too. I appreciate any insights. I love her so much. Thank you all for sharing your stories.
I relate to everything being said here: the shock,the despair, the disbelief, the death of a dream, the death of the only hope, (she is an only child), the constant grief – as if mourning the death of a child. My only daughter is 23 and has been lesbian since the age of 16. I always was accepting of homosexuality, but it is not what I can accept for my only child. Thank you for being there, it is a comfort that has been lacking.
To Nancy Smith and all the other people who write about the lies then I can sympathise with that. My daughter lied for nearly four years and that is something I don’t think I will ever forgive her for. Several times I questioned her and spent time with her thinking she would speak to me about it but she never did and now after all those years and the deceit, unhappiness and lies nothing will ever be the same again. I told her no one ever has treated me in that way, let alone a member of my family and sadly now I have closed down towards her as I feel I can never ever let someone treat me like that ever again, least of all a daughter which makes it ten times worse. Our relationship will never be the same again which makes me sad but I now know I have joined the group of people whose children are a big disappointment to them and I will never trust her again. A member of our family feels that our daughter is not gay but will probably come back to men one day and I hope so but I’m not sure and even if she does our relationship is irrevocably damaged. I would not have been happy with her being a lesbian but she has left a trail of destruction and unhappiness behind her and if ever that mantra of what goes around comes around is true then it is now and her life is seriously miserable! All her relationships with women have gone wrong and I now feel I am on autopilot and just try to say the right things and even the wrong things occasionally as I have told her now I am the person I am and am not going to change to suit her! I love her still but don’t like her particularly anymore and don’t think things will ever be the same again.
I comfort myself with the thought that things could be worse, she could be ill, on drugs, etc. etc. and although i have no problems with some of her gay friends who I have always welcomed I do not want my daughter to be gay and have told her so. She has said her friends parents are fine with it and I say yes I’m sure they are and we would be if their daughter was gay but they are not your parents and I know too well they would not be happy if it was their daughter.
I concentrate on everything that makes me feel good, be it music, friends, TV, anything to take my mind off of it and also mourn the daughter I should have had, she is gone forever, the ironic thing is I was never obsessed with having children or even grandchildren and wish now we had had another child as it has destroyed the relationship with her sibling which was never that good anyway. How sad life has turned out but we are trying to be strong and basically I try not to think about our daughter anymore than I have to and think of things that make me happy! and of our life was before we know about all this. A year later I am still distraught but stronger and will go on being stronger!
Response to Debbie who posted on 3-16-2010
Hi, I really understand the overwhelming grief you feel for your grandson. I am in the same situation. My grandson is 11 now and I also took care of him, while my daughter went through 2 marriages before deciding she was lesbian. He lived with me until her new partner decided he had a better life than her two children did. They both now use him to force me to help care for her children or I don’t get to see my grandson. I have to do whatever I can to help my grandson deal with all of this. I know now that there is nothing I can do to change her situation, but I refuse to give up hope that I can make a difference for my grandson. God Bless you, I will pray for your strength and courage
I’m from South Africa and thank everyone for the open way you express your feeling. I know your pain, I also thought I’m a bad mother because I didn’t understand what went wrong after she was married for 2 years. (and according to everybody a model wife) She dressed girly, looked and act like the perfect woman. She even expressed her dislike in the gay lifestyle. Numerous times. This perfect woman turned around and told us that she has always been gay. How does anyone miss something like that ? I have a lot of gay friends, they can’t believe that she is now gay. I’m praying not only for my own situation but for everybody out there.
It was good to finally see that there are others out there that feel the way i do. My daughter was beautiful, smart, funny, and caring. Now that she is a lesbian she looks awful crummy, dirty and has a chip on her shoulder. She never came and told her family about any of this. We just watched the transformation. I love my daughter but she changed and not for the better. If she is so happy with her new found life style, why does she look so crummy. Our relationship will never be the same. I so feel that she was one person for twenty years and now I just don’t know or understand. The lesibans she hangs out with are losers, no jobs, no goals in life. They look like and act like thugs. Most days I just want to throw up. I tried therapy didn’t help. Things I read about say that being a lesbian doesn’t change who you child is well she isn’t the same person. It just breaks my heart. All of my hopes and dreams for her are gone. Looking and acting the way she does will get her nowhere in life. We don’t see each other as much. The conversations are always strained. She has a partner what if they want to get married? Are we supposed to invite family and friends? My friends are conservative and my family are quite religious. I makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Thank you for the letters at least I am not alone.
I’m glad I found this site. My wife and I are fairly sure that our 30 year old daughter is gay, though she goes to lengths to hide it. Her younger brother wants us to confront her. She lives out of state but when we visit we have a great time, and she even talks about guys on occasion, but never mentions having a date. We just go along but feel she has to be hurting if truly working this hard to live a lie. Do we confront her or wait for her to tell us? It’s causing a real division in family as far as her brother is concerned even though my daughter has no idea we talk about it. We’re all in denial. We love her and want the next step to the the “right one.”
Hi Michelle i noted that your daughter has become crummy! I have not heard that expression before, is that from the US? Mine has too if that is any consolation, she used to be quite feminine but now looks a mess most of the time and wear the strangest clothes. Even her sister says that, it’s almost as if she wants to be a man sometimes, although recently she managed to get herself dressed up for a function and she looked lovely. I find it difficult now when i am with her, i feel everything is very strained and it is not always easy to be with her, to be honest sometimes I think she thinks like a man rather than a women, says the strangest things ever! Most of her friends who are lesbians are losers, look awful, dress like men, and like you my hopes and dreams regarding her are gone too, I am just glad I have another child or it would be too much to bear. There is so much now in the press etc. that says yes, we should almost congratulate them on being gay but at least we can be honest and admit it is the biggest disappintment I personally have every experienced in my life. I look at young mums with babies/toddlers and wonder if this will ever happen to them, I look back on photos etc. from the past and can’t believe this is happening to me, always thought life was going too well but never expected all this **** to be thrown at us.i can’t ever imagine meeting her girlfriends etc. or marriage and she has even got stroppy about having kids, etc. IVF etc. and even her sister has told her no way and that it is not fair. Through all this her sister has been the biggest help and said no one would live with her anyway!! she has the disgusting habits of a man|!! comes to our house and leaves a trail of mess behind her so no worries there but I also feel so bad for her, she has seen her parents argue about the situation, her dad in tears and depressed, myself in a dreadful state, almost had a breakdown and was prescribed tablets from the doctor but no way is she ruining our family too!! That saying you can choose your friends but not your family is sooooooooooo true!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hi I am so glad I found this site! I too was very close to my daughter.she was always saying things like he’s so cute and I thought everything was fine and one day she just came out and I nearly had a heart attack! to all the lesbians out there. yes it’s trauma for you but it is for your family also. my daughter has lied to me for over 15 years and was married in between to a man.my wish for lesbians is yes to have a baby girl and wish for them to grow up just like their mothers!I’m sure you’re saying you’ll accept them no matter what. do you really want to wish that for your child?? if it was good to be a lesbian. hell I’d be the first in line!! I will never be the same person. there are no winners here,just broken down families.lesbians say they are still the same person?? oh no they’re not and they know it too. we mothers will go on as we are getting this shoved down our throats.soon if a man marries a woman that will be strange!! God help us all.. thanks for letting me vent and I deal with the heartbreak of losing my daughter everyday all of you are in my prayers as we all share the same heartbreak….
I just found out my daughter is bisexual and this has really hit me real hard, I cry constantly day,night,in the middle of the night. I Love my daughter very much and I want her to know that. But I think that I am just pushing her away, and I don’t know how to get close with her again. I don’t know how to tell my family when they see I am sad. I don’t want to lose my daughter. What do I do.
Jewels our daughter was the same laughing at gays and lesbians, really being downright nasty sometimes, watching programmes on tv etc. family members were sniggered at who were gay and all the time she had this secret she kept to herself!! Why? surely she must have realised how bad it would make everything when eventually she could no longer live the lie? How many times had I seen that written down by her? Why do they do this to people they love? and then they wonder when we are upset? Lies and deceit seem to be the trademark of gayness in many cases.
To all of the parents,
To those of you who have accepted your children for who they are and have been disappointed with their reactions, I am sorry. I truly wish that my parents were at the same point as you are. It seems there are other underlying problems or circumstances because I cannot fathom why any son or daughter would walk away from opened minded parents.
To those who dislike their child’s appearance or “new” behavior, not every gay woman starts dressing like a man or takes on typical male gendered behavior. In fact it is possible they are further struggling with something else—transgender identity. It is indescribable how difficult it is to stay true to yourself or discover your true self (which we all do no matter what orientation) when derogatory names and stereotypes are being thrown at you. The slurs and stereotypes may not be coming from your own household but I can bet that your son or daughter encounters them on a daily basis (if not directly than indirectly through peers or media). Every gay person is different just like every straight person is different, every household dynamic is different and has its own set of problems. Your child being gay is not the sole reason behind any of your family problems, it is most likely their experiences or other dynamics that are causing these issues. It hurts me to see that this website that is supposed to be supportive for parents has turned in to a son and daughter bashing (towards the end of the comments on this particular page).
I wish all of you the best of luck with your families. And hope that you and your children can come to a common ground.
I learned my daughter believed that she was gay 2 years this Christmas. She had boyfriends in high school, but it was after she left home for college that she came out. My daughter had actually continued her weekly mass and even going on weekdays too. My struggle has been ongoing and when first finding out went online for books that may help me. Out of all of them I chose, “Where does a Mother go to Resign” and it was like God chose it for me. I have not read any book since. It gave me prespective and when I am struggling, I go back to it. My daughter has been patient with me and understood that I would struggle with this. I just want her to remain in my life. She does not have a partner at this time and I don’t know how I will feel the first time she asks to bring someone over. I will believe/trust that God will give me the graces to deal with it all. I have had so many talks with God, because I have no friends to confide in, no relatives I want to share this with. I pray for all parents who have to struggle with the grief, pain and attempt to accept that their child is gay.
There are a lot of comments here and I’m sure they have more detailed and helpful information than I could hope to give. I hope you manage to fix things with your daughter. She shouldn’t be ashamed of who she is, and her past is part of that.
Miserable, I am writing in response to your and others’ posts concerning the issue of lies and deceit–it seems your take on the matter is pretty one-sided. Given all of the horrifying parental responses around here (one woman wishing she were dead because her daughter is gay?!?!), I can understand perfectly why your child would lie about it–they were trying in vain to make themselves not be gay. I tried this for a long time, hated lesbians when I looked at them, tried hard to be what my parents wanted me to be, though, sadly, ultimately to no avail.
Even if that wasn’t the case, there are lots of other reasons why your child may lie to you–primarily, it seems that none of these posters are particularly loving or accepting, despite what they say. If your child knows your negative feelings regarding gay people, they may work “extra hard” to make sure you don’t think they are gay, e.g., making fun of gay people on tv. What seems like a direct insult to you may be your child trying in vain to save you from having to find out they are gay, because they know it would hurt and devastate you. But rather than considering that possibility, you reach the conclusion that lies are a hallmark of homosexuality. This reaction is bitter, homophobic, and scary, and I can understand why your child wouldn’t have an open, honest relationship with you, considering the kind of person you are.
Also, a note to many of the women who write about how stunned they are that their child could abandon them, I see a lot of reasons for them to do so in your short posts alone–you seem self-righteous with all of the god-talk, and you are all excellent at playing the victim. This isn’t about you–it’s about your child. And it isn’t about being gay–it’s about them not fulfilling your unrealistic expectations for the way their life “should” be; even if they weren’t gay, it seems they could be atheist and have just as many of you in a tizzy. You brought a child into this world not to have a creepy doll or mini-me, you created an autonomous being who wants nothing more than for you to love and support them. Saying it is one thing, and doing it is another. The posters who say things like “I support and love him/her” then talk about the despair they feel, the shame, etc.–even if you think you are hiding that, you’re not. Your child can sense it, and that drives them away. Being gay is extremely difficult, because there are negative reinforcements everywhere, and when a gay person sees their parent playing the victim card, being hostile, whatever negative response it may be, they are likely to cut them out of their life, because it is easier to do than handle their familial resentment for an indefinite period of time.
im 63 my daughter is in her early 40s ive known shes gay for the past 10 12 yrs or so . ive never judged her one way or another.A few weeks ago her her 80 some yr old grandmother ask her if she out was gay she did what shes always done and side stepped the quisten.this is my ex mothernlaw she can be tisty at times she didnt care one way or theother she just didnt like tobe lyed to.Me and her mother ,brother,sister,nieces,we all know welove her and except her way of life but dont understand her,she seems to want to hide it when we go any place its ussually were gay freinds hang out if she has aparty ts her and her partners gay freinds .what bothers me is itslike shes ashame of her life andif its not discussed in any manner its its not real.i love this child but i fell shes pulling away so she dosent have todeal with anything ,O yea she har a 15 yr old daughter who she supposedly told in the last few weeks
i am comforted knowing that i am not the only parent going through this same thing, my daughter is 26 lives from place to place and girl to girl, she walks away from her family and her son she had with her ex girlfriend, her ex gave birth to my grandson 7 yrs old now she comes home wants to get back in with my grandson she gets a new girl and its bye again it hurts so bad
Dear Debbie – I have no advise but only past expierence. When I was younger – early 20′s I too was very angry at my mother and refused a relationship with her for about 3-4 years.During that time I was also in an controlling relationship with my boyfriend, whom became the father of my 2 children. I hated my mother and was being controlled by the BF – double whammy. 2nd – my daughter is gay and “came out” when she was a teen, lucky for me my son the the friend circle helped me cope and deal, I have learned to accept and still trying to understand. Stop blaming yourself. Stop trying to figure out what you did wrong as a parent, its not about you. Stop calling her names in a negative manner. Stop being angry. Again, its not about you and what you did wrong. She is making choices on her own accord. You are angry because you are hurt because you dont want your daughter to be gay. I get that. Its not about you.
You love her and she needs to know that, she also needs a lot of hugs from you and kisses on the cheek. Thats what you do for her and for you. Stop acting like there is a big elephant in the room, shes gay, not broke. I too am still struggling with this as well. I have learned to listen more and talk less. I have learned to grit my teeth and smile at my daughters girlfriend. I cant stand my daughters girlfriend and i cant stand those two words being in the same sentence, but she will never know I feel that way, shes my daughter and I love her. Talk to your boys, get their opinion the younger generation has good advise, ask them what they think and go with it. Good luck.
About six years ago, when I was in college, I told my parents I was bisexual. They said they still loved me just the same knowing this about me. Their love meant the world to me and still does.
Due to their conservative religious views, however, they told me not to talk about the “bi” side of my life. They said if I ever had a girlfriend, I could never bring her to their house or talk about her.
While I am always thankful that my parents didn’t stop loving me, not being able to talk about part of my life with them invariably distances us. I want to share freely with them about my whole life, but I can’t. Even though they didn’t reject all of me, there’s always that part of me they have rejected, and that hurts.
Recently, I’ve found myself not wanting to talk with my parents as much as I have in the past. Knowing they don’t want to hear about my life (my complete life) makes me less likely to want to hear about theirs.
I agree with Sara, how can you parents say you love your children but don’t accept them. I just found out recently my 21 year old daughter is gay. I am sad she felt she could not tell me until now. That she thought she had to carry that heavy burden by herself. My husband and I have always told our daughters that we love them and would stand by them no matter what. We taught our children to respect EVERYONE, not just people LIKE us. I am a Christian, I don’t believe God rejects my daughter, he made her who she is. My daughter is still the beautiful, loving, compassionate person she always was. She has a great moral compass, she has always been naturing, caring and respectful of other people, she is in her last year of nursing school because she wants to help other people. Yes her life will be different than we thought but so what!!! My wish for her is that she finds a loving, caring woman just like her to spend the rest of her life with. If you can’t accept your children how do you expect others to. I hope you all find peace with your children and truly love them for who they are.
I see how much pain she is in and encouraged her to talk to someone because obviously she is not comfortable with talking to me about it. She seems more ashame of herself than I am. Because I know I cannot help her; how do I effectively help her help herself?
I have been dealing with my daughter telling me she is gay. I love her and am doing my best to accept the situation. I suppose there is so much I just don’t understand. I try to be positive and supportive. I admit to having feelings that I wish I hadn’t had her but I know its just because I am hurt. I dreamed of having grandchildren. It hurts that my 2 bestfriends have new grandbabies and they are always talking about them.
I appreciate each and everyone of you sharing your feelings.
Just reading the posts. Thank God I am not alone. Thank you all for posting and sharing. That took a lot of courage
Thanks to all who are sharing your experiences. I just felt a boatload of new grief mixed with joy at my daughter’s gay wedding. I love her and like her partner. I have my own problems that I’m sure I project onto them. I’ve been hurt in love as a heterosexual–and fear anykind of serious hurt and loss for my daughter. But with them having been together since she was 20–now almost 30–it’s irrational to fear for them. It’s just death of the dream of her having a husband (male type). I want to like the scene, but I feel awkward and untrusting. I don’t understand what seems to be a lot of control issues–manipulating images of what to look like. Anger with me that goes unexpressed–but then I do the same.
Over time we have healed and are healing. Acceptance is the key. I may not like it, but I must accept her. She is a child of God. She has choices to make as a grown adult. She is a good, loving person with talents and friends. She wants to raise a child.
I’m even starting to replace feelings of sadness with some joy. With acceptance joy IS possible. Without it, one is grieving, in the bargaining stage. I want to move on and not stay stuck in fear and negativity.
Love is the greatest answer to any fears, misunderstandings, and losses. Only God can judge such matters, especially for full grown consenting adults.
Pray pray pray. Love and prayer moves mountains and takes us to places we never dreamed of.
God bless us all in our journeys from denial and pain, through anger and depression, to bargaining and acceptance.
I like what others say, she is still the same person I’ve always loved. Now I know her as a sexual being part of the 2% plus in the us who are openly gay.
Very cool. God don’t make junk.
Life’s a journey home to salvation–a home coming where we will all be together again, someday!
Love,
Abby
Hello,
I am not even sure if this is where I write about what I am going though, about 5 months ago my then 12 year old girl who is now 13 was going through a depression, I had a long talk with her and she came out in tears and said that she likes both boys and girls, I asked her how she knew that she said she likes girls the same as she did boys, she said she likes girls more.. As you can relate I was devastated, I am very open and have many friends and a couple of relatives that are gay whom I am very close too. I am going through a lot of mixed emotions, I hugged her and said God makes no mistakes and I love and support her no matter what!! I know it took great courage in her to tell me!! I have always been open and loving with her, I always suspected it from a young age, her being my only daughter she never wanted to wear dresses, no dolls, not mani or pedicures, no make up she has always been very butch. I noticed that on her FB page she is checking (like) on same sex marriages and bi and homosexual groups, she has all her cousins, friends and family as friends, today I asked her if this is her way of coming out! She said no, I told her if I can see them everyone else can, that I am going to start getting questions, what should I say? She said it’s ok to tell them… My problem is she too young to know for sure??? Or am I holding on to hope for an easier future for her?? Can she change her mind later? I just don’t know!! Either way… I will love her no matter what… I will support her and defend her until my dying day… Please help me???
<3
lovingmom
I’m gay myself and it took me over 20 years to tell my parents. I only told them because I had found someone who I thought (at the time) was the love of my life and I decided that I loved that person so much that I was willing to lose my family and friends if it meant I could be happy. I spent a good month mentally preparing myself to lose my parents who had throughout my entire life always made awful comments about homosexuality and how it was a sin so I never imagined they’d be ‘okay’ with it.
So, being this date and age I updated my relationship status on facebook to in a relationship and, of course, it was with a woman. Not even a day later my mum called and asked for us to go out to eat the next day and I agreed to it–figuring she was going to tell me she and my dad were disowning me.
To my huge surprise my mother did not disown me that day. But I still felt like a lot of her accepting words were forced and practiced .Throughout the duration of my 10 month relationship I hardly spoke to my parents. It was partly because my then-girlfriend was insanely controlling and psychotic which prevented me from seeing others and because I still had this belief that my parents really didn’t accept me. And so I pushed them very far away. I think I would talk to my mum on average maybe once every few months and wouldn’t see my parents except on holidays.
My mother still makes comments that I just need to “find the right guy” which really hurts my feelings, but she’s also tried to be supportive and encourage me to get out and try and find another “special friend” to share my life with. My dad pretty much avoid the entire topic but during a car ride he gave me a heartfelt speech about how the love for a child is unconditional no matter what and I know that he’s much like my mum and accepts me as I am, but may really want me to marry some guy and make lots of grandbabies.
Unfortunately your daughter my be avoiding you because she had already decided you didn’t really accept her and frowned upon her lifestyle. This may be from growing up and hearing comments you or your husband made or how you “handled” her coming out. It may also not be all her and could possibly be her spouse that may cling to a few rants she made about you and your husband that were anti-gay and she encourages her that you don’t really care. That’s what happened to me and I regret having been so out of touch with my parents for almost a year. I hope all has or will go well!
It is comforting to read other peoples stories, knowing your not alone….i deep down always knew my daughter was gay from her being around 14 years old, just little things sent my alarm bells ringing, such as being really clingy with just 1 particular school friend, buying clothes that were better suited for a boy…..just little thing like that,i always pushed it out of my mind as i really did’nt want my suspisions to be true…. but it was’nt until she was actually 17 i found out she had a girlfriend and she was gay.
I felt really awful but i read a few text messages on her phone, as i had to know the truth, as i was just so sick of her lies all the time.
As for all the people who tell me oh well she is still the same person, its easy for them to say that, when they don’t have a lesbian daughter or gay son….Yes they do sometimes change…my daughter went from being a beautiful, clever, caring animal loving young girl….to a scruffy, does’nt give a hoot about her appearence, lying, selfish miserable person, who i do not even know who she is anymore…all this change in only 3 years…god knows what she will look like in the future.
She only works a few hours, but she lies at work to her colleagues, just so she can go home to be with her lesbian girlfriend, who is a out of work lazy good for nothing…its not like she is a happy lesbian…they argue constantly, actually fight, i am constantly seeing my daughter with bruises, scratches, scars on her arms.
I have tried to accept my daughter as a lesbian, but i cannot…..i hate the fact that she is a lesbian, it has caused so much upset and unhappiness in our family over the last few years, i do not know who she is anymore, i simply never know when she tells me the truth about thing or whether she is lying.
She has not lived with us from being 17, as she moved in with her partner and her partner parents, as they are never around so they have the house to themselves to just laze around everyday, with no goals in life.
But yes i think of her everyday, and hope that it is just a phase she is going through, and that one day i will get my daughter back again, but i know it is just wishful thinking on my part….its hard for me when i look at my beautiful daughter in a photo as a child, and i see what she has turned into, i see 2 different people….but it is her life and i just have to let her get on with it…..i won’t allow her to keep leaving a big black cloud over my home anymore, its just not fair on us.
It really does annoy me when people write in saying we need to accept it…..but as parents it is very hard, especially when you are watching your child going down a very bleak path.
All you want is your child to be happy, get married, settle down, and have their own family…….Instead i get a grumpy,selfish, arguementative, scruffy, layabout lesbian who constantly fights with her lesbian partner, and want to hang out in gay bars….
i feel like i need to have another child to replace the one i have lost….sad mum
Hello to all!
These stories have made me very sad. I am a 27 year old gay male who came out to my parents at the age of 21. Maybe if I explain my perspective on how life was (still is?) for me it will help shed some light onto what your sons or daughters might be feeling. It’s important to keep in mind that from the moment your child tells you that he/she is gay, there is a delicate process of development that the child begins – the development of his/her identity. Yes, it is true that he/she may not enjoy being gay in the long run – NOTHING IS CONCRETE…YET. However, it is imperative that you start supporting your child from the very moment you hear “I’m gay” and be absolutely genuine about it. If you live your life in denial and hope that your child will just grow out of it you are doing more harm then good to your relationship with your child. You child knows you just as good as you know your child and they will almost instantaneously pick-up on your denial. When you get the feeling that your parents aren’t taking you seriously, especially over something so personal as your sexuality, it hurts. A lot.
For all of the parents out there, know this: Unless you were truly abusive to your child – physically and/or emotionally – your child still deeply loves and cares about you no matter what. Now, there is always the possibility that the child mistakenly feels as though you were emotionally abusive, and that very well might be the reason why the child has cut all connections with you. Only YOU would know how to best gage the situation between you and your child, not anyone else on this forum.
First thing is first: LISTEN and ASK QUESTIONS with and OPEN MIND: Yes, helpful advise in parenting forums can be a great source of solace. The soon you understand that your child more than likely feels as though you aren’t listening to him/her, and/or refusing to see things from their perspective, the sooner you will understand what is going on. Remember, THEY might be the ones at fault for not considering YOUR perspective, too. Coming out is a process that affects everyone in family, not just your child and the sooner the child understands this the better. But you have to find the appropriate way of explaining this to your child if he/she clearly doesn’t get it. You are the adult and MUST TRY to be the bigger person and lead by example, not by butting heads.
Coming out is a personal process; It’s all about the person (your child) sharing a very private thing with you: the fact that he/she is sexually attracted to members of the same sex. It’s simply really; Your son or daughter is sharing a very private part of him or herself to you because they do NOT want you to see them as someone who they are not: heterosexual. This might seem trivial on the surface, but it really isn’t. They feel as though you need to know and they are wanting you to understand them better. All they want, like any child, is love.
Now, where the struggle comes into play for many gay people (including me) is how the family reacts to this news and ultimately the quality of support the family does (or does not) provide. When I came, my mother cried. It really hurt me to know that I just made my mother cry. She then made the statement: “Oh, honey, I just don’t know what your father’s friends at work are going to think…” As if MY sexuality had anything to do with my father and his friends. Well, at the time, that was the WRONG type of statement to make because it was an instant message of rejection in the form of fear of acceptance from my parents’ social-sphere.
Of course, I was being naive to think that my life doesn’t affect other people’s lives, and my parents were simply fearing the unknown. My parents also grew up in a different time where gay people were deeply outcast by society, more so than they are today. But I didn’t realize any of this until a few years ago. The time spent between then and now involved a lot of maturing and growing and understanding that, yes, my life decisions do affect other people, indirectly or directly. That’s just a fact of life I had to learn. You child might not get this yet, or, perhaps you have given your child plenty of reason to believe that his/her actions are not taken seriously enough so that they will go live a life with people who DO take them seriously even though their actions might now be, sadly, out of spite. Don’t give up on trying to be a good parent to them. They will (hopefully) feel guilt at some point.
I understand how you might view your child has being selfish because this is all about him/her, right? Well, you are correct, and you are incorrect. Treating your gay child as if he/she is selfish is like telling a pregnant woman she is guilty of adultery; It’s true, but making an observation of such rash judgement is both irrelevant and isolating. It does nothing but show that you are uninterested in loving and supporting your child and more interested in calling them names. Nobody is perfect, we all act selfish from time to time, and this is your child’s time to act selfish. The sooner you accept that the sooner your child will “get over it” and want to be a nicer person. Again, lead by example.
I grew up in a very loving household – very traditional, conservative, household – with a free-spirit mother and a traditional father. My parents always had an idea that I was gay, but they never really connected the dots as I grew up and provided any real support for me. They told me how they couldn’t just assume that their son was gay and that they didn’t know exactly how to deal with it. I used to resent them so much for not “getting” me, but it time I realized, OK, wait a minute, it’s not fair for me to feel that way about them. They did the best they could and I now respect them for that as much as I possibly can. I love my parents tremendously – how could I not, they are my parents?! And I do feel horrible for any pain or misery my coming out might have caused them. I truly do have the best parents! But most importantly, with their loving support and affection, I can now deeply love myself and be a happier, healthier human, and that makes everyone feel better.
Please email me if you have any questions about my experience. There is so much more I would like to share out of hopes to help more parents understand their gay children. My life has by no means been perfect, but I feel that I have grown in many ways and I would love to help others with my experiences if I can.
tfromcincy@gmail.com
P.S… I agree entirely with ‘Sara’ above. There is a lot to to be learned from her comments as well. I recommend reading them.
I just found out about my daughter soon to be 29. I had no clue this girl as been boy crazy since Kindergarten. I worried about her being top boy crazy and active to early. I told her I just wanted her to be happy and be in a comfortable relationship that both partners were equals. Amy tends to take on very needy people that don’t seem to have goals or ambition. Amy has always worked and I think people take advantage of her. She doesn’t make all that much money and barely makes it by on her own. We have always been so close and its so hard to not be a part of her life. She comes around when she wants something. Her two sisters and brother all think this is a phase and Drama. I don’t know. I am so worried about her cutting off contact with us and have no idea what to do. She is a grown women but it hurts after being so close. Not wanting to talk about her girl friend and not knowing anything about her except very negative things she has told me herself has got me really worried. Any help would be greatly apreciated.
As a mom I do not understand the grieving sadness wanting to die feelings discussed here. My son came to me Jan of this year saying needed to talk then would back out finally one night he was leaving to go out and in the night darkness told me “mom I am with some one and its not a girl” head hung low he went to walk away I called him back told him he didnt get to walk away like that. He looked lost and confused did not want questions so I just told him i love you i want you happy safe and healthy. As weeks went on it was obvious he was embarrassed we had more open talks at first I thought his boyfriend was funny and nice after some months and many late night calls of drunken arguments it has become a huge concern to me that my 20 year old is in an abusive controlling relationship with a 47 year old man. It has gotten now to the point of my son not being able to talk to straight friends on facebook. or even his sis in law as of today without the boyfriend going off deep end. My son has deleted all friends losing lots of weight and in his words “Mom it is something everyday he wants me there to meet him for lunch i work my 9 hours get off at 2 have lunch everything great then he cussing me calling me names because of whatever that day. This man has had more than 6 relationships this is my sons first so I am worried and i need some pointers on talking to a gay man about being in a abusive/controlling relationship. If anyone could help me help my son’
I am a mother of two wonderful boys, and a 43 year old lesbian. I do not have a relationship with my mother. She, unlike you, does not want to talk about my life. She just judges and condemns. I think that you should continue to communicate with your daughter through email. She may not respond, but she reads them. Don’t go on about the situation between you, give her updates on your life, and her brothers. Make them simple emails. Keep them upbeat and informative, don’t go on about how sad you are, or what she has done, or how you don’t understand what you did to her. She knows these things already. You are the mother and need to try to heal whatever has happened. She is not receptive to those past attempts at discussing your situation, so you must change your approach. YOU may need to talk about those things, but she has made it clear she does not. Send the gifts you have for your granddaughter with a short, sweet card to your granddaughter. Don’t try to communicate to your daughter through your granddaughter. Just remember, time does heal…just not in the time we think it should!
Thinking of you in your time of confusion.
You are not alone, my daughter and I had a wonderful relationship until she met this person who now has total control. When I say total control I mean just that. When she would come visit me, this woman would call 25 to 50 times checking on her and now she has had her adopt a child this is to keep her with the finance that my daughter has acquired. We have not seen each other for over a year and not talk for about 11 months. She told me if I can’t accept her partner then i can’t accept her, weird. Why do other gay women want their lover to destroy a relationship with their birth mother?
Not sure if I’m on the right site, but thought this was for parents of gay/lesbians. To all who have and are still going through the devastating news of a gay child, I certainly can relate. I am still grieving and it’s been 14 years since my only child, my daughter told us she was ‘gay.’ My husband and I have lost friends and our family although they all try to act like ‘nothing has changed,’ and ‘we love her regardless,’ but the truth, the reality is that EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED…we are omitted from some family functions and some of our relatives just simply do not have as many get-togethers as they did before, probably trying to spare our feelings. I have cried almost every day for l4 years, have been practically a recluse, had bouts of shingles, vomiting, weight loss etc. etc. I try so hard to be upbeat, but instead it has beaten me down. I see and talk to my daughter almost daily and try not to upset her, so both my husband and myself never berate her ‘choice.’ We make an effort to seem ‘carefree,’ that ‘everything is okay’..it’s not! Gee…it is so very hard for both sides. My daughter sometimes states that she ‘cannot change’…well…but it is apparent that people believe that parents should have to change, by accepting something that goes against their very ‘core values.’ This just isn’t deciding or ‘being born with’ a particular fancy to a certain vegetable or favorite color, is it? Religion plays a great part, but it just doesn’t seem natural or that it would be good for a society and I cannot help that I truly believe that. And, although it truly is not something they can help being, I do believe that some people may have certain biological make-ups which cause certain environmental conditions or experiences which cause them to physically change. It is a fact that anger, etc. causes chemical changes/reactions and am wondering if continual or enduring ‘negative’ emotions cause our bodies to develop substances which protect the organism…like ‘survival.’ So, although i do not believe gay people are simply ‘born’ that way, I do believe our genetics pre-dispose some people to react emotionally and thus then physically to certain ‘environments,’ and/or circumstances that the typical or majority of people are unaffected by…I know I sound nuts…but, oh well. I believe that there is a reason for everything and just what the reason is for homosexuality, I wish I knew. What I really don’t understand is that I’ve heard that if most homosexuals are asked if they could change and become heterosexual, they answer ‘no!’ Why would anyone want to be something most people feel is unnatural and wrong (that is people who are actually the parents of homosexuals, and not people with ‘normal’ children as are most of the ones who answer these various ‘polls’) and why would they want to be this way knowing how much it hurts most of their parents..it’s like saying that ‘if you could choose not to hurt your parents, would you?…they have answered ‘NO’!!! As usual, today I have not gotten dressed until just before my husband comes home from work, I do not answer phone calls anymore…although not many come anymore from former ‘friends’ nor from my family…mother, sister and my nieces and nephews. So, if I don’t make the gesture to call or visit, they will rarely contact me or my husband or..yes..my daughter. She, nor my mother or niece/nephews contact my daughter, so she contacts them. I’m tired of being the one who contacts my family, so I don’t much anymore. I see how uncomfortable my daughter makes them and holidays will really get messy when my daughter asks to bring her ‘friend’ to all of our family functions. I’m so afraid that that time is getting closer. She hasn’t had this particular partner for many years, so it’s relatively ‘new’ relationship and I dread when she brooches the subject of inviting her over for holidays. That will be when my family won’t even have holidays with us, or they’ll just have them secretly to avoid having to deal with it. After all, she is our daughter, not theirs and it is different for them and easier to just wash there hands of it, easier to avoid any uncomfortable situations, and don’t believe they like the ‘influence’ she may have on my great-niece as she gets older. Let’s face it, I wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting my nieces’ partner if she was a lesbian, so guess I can relate to their feelings. This homosexuality in our family, and my daughter is the only one we’ve ever known going back many generations (although on my ex-husband’s side, my daughter’s biological father’s family has two homosexual relatives in their recent ‘family tree’). At the present time, we only get invited to the obligatory birthdays, Thanksgivings and Christmases, but that’s about it. My sister and I used to be so close, but that’s gone now. We parents of gays/lesbians go through a grieving process…mine never ends and I know that it has taken a toll on our physical and mental health. I love my daughter so much, but it is so hard. As she says that she cannot change, why do ‘other people’ believe that parents can or have to change. I am torn as I cannot change my core beliefs, can’t be happy about this as much as I have tried, tried, and tried again. I guess what I really cannot understand is why they can dismiss having strong feelings for the opposite sex, that they cannot love them. I have told my daughter that I fear for her future happiness and that all relationships change and progress throughout life. We are created with ‘hormones’ when we are young in order to produce children and when those hormones naturally diminish, our relationships actually (I believe) were meant to grow into a deeper relationship with our spouse and that when that ‘sexual chemistry’ portion of our make-up which allows for that very important, but not the most important, expression of ones love for another, that that ‘physical’ expression will gradually be replaced by a deep and abiding ‘spiritual’ and very close and, I believe, much deeper relationship with one’s husband/wife. That’s just my opinion, and I just cannot understand why anyone would eliminate the opposite sex; that they cannot love them as deeply…sexual desire fades and I believe God created us that way (I just hate these stupid Viagra commercials that make 80 year old men think they need to have sex to be ‘men’–stupid and so very sad that America and the world seems to be so obsessed with sex!) Also, someone else here mentioned the ‘immaturity’ of her son who is gay. Well my daughter is quite immature for her age; she has not been financially responsible and graduated from college only at my prodding and nine years after her peers she graduated from high school with. It seems her ‘partner’ of choice is also very immature and not very motivated toward becoming independent adults. My daughter’s biological father has not had contact since she was 5 years old, just after I met my current husband of 27 years. I’m wondering, as I have read that many lesbians come from divorced parents or have ‘father’ issues, and harbor anger as well. Sorry for my rambling, but I can feel for those parents who are having such a difficult, sad, horrible time of it. All I can say is that it has changed my life; it is something that I just cannot get past; I have prayed and tried so very hard, but after all of this time, the tears flow each and every single day as I watch people try and avoid my eyes, avoid asking about my daughter. And as far as the ‘majority’ of Americans believing being gay is okay, well… that majority obviously do not have a gay child, so they have no clue how utterly devastating it can be. I don’t believe that, although it is of some ‘consolation’ in having more than one child, all parents or most parents of gay children need more understanding…understanding that just as gay people cannot change…some of us parents cannot change nor pretend to be what we are not or give up our beliefs of right and wrong, and not be sad that, yes, dreams have turned into nightmares for us. I only wish I could let this go and be happy. I have no choice but to ‘accept’ the fact that my beloved, beautiful daughter is ‘gay,’ but I simply cannot be honest with myself or with her if I said I agreed homosexuality was right or moral nor can I ever celebrate it. My husband and me have aged 30 years over the last 14. I cannot work and am lucky if I can get out of bed anymore and I hid from neighbors who know as this is a gossipy small town. Oh, what a life…can anyone not understand mothers or fathers who can only wish for ‘peace.’ I pray for guidance, but it is so very, very hard. I have to hold my feelings in around my daughter as I don’t want to hurt her. What a mess…I can never be ‘myself,’ again. So, to all the parents out there, I know how hard it can be to express these ‘negative’ feelings, but this site is supposed to be for parents of gay children and it’s hard to be truthful if gay children or other gay people comment here as I believe it may ‘stifle’ some parents and prevent them from writing what they really feel to prevent gay people from being offended or hurt, as I would not want to do. On the other hand, parents cannot be totally open to those negative feelings here if we are going to be worried about offending gay people who may come upon and comment on this site. I believe that if we can express our true feelings, no matter how ‘offensive’ gay people may find them, we need to get these feelings out. This is really the only time I have expressed all of my feelings; I cannot talk to my mother, my friends or my family the way I can here, so I think this place and being able to express our feelings to other parents, maybe we can get through this ‘grieving’ process (as it truly is) and that way this grieving process can proceed ‘normally.’ I am an RN and know that I have not gotten past the ‘anger’ part of grieving…in fact I regress to ‘denial,’ then to horrible sadness…then anger, once again and sometimes all three at once. But, I never get to the ‘end’ of the process and after all of this time, 14 years, has not healed me. Thanks for everyone’s patience and forgive the seemingly endless ramblings…I have been broken and sure could use a little mending. Love and God Bless All
Not sure if I’m on the right site, but thought this was for parents of gay/lesbians. Alexa, that sounded a bit like a slam, just saying. This IS Help for parents of gay/lesbian children… It doesnt say Help from straight people for straight parents of gay/lesbian children. I am a 34 year old lesbian who has been with the same woman for 10 years and our children range in ages from 11 to 19. I dated guys from the time I was 15 until I was 18. I was a virgin until I was 19… I stayed with the guy until I was 23. I have a very religious family. I didnt date guys cause I was attracted to them, I dated them cause it was expected of me. I dated them based on how well we got along and if my family liked them. For one moment put yourself in my shoes… imagine being with someone you have no attraction to… feeling less than a human being cause you are lying 24/7 not only to the person you are with but lying to the people you love simply to make them happy. Lying to the people you work with.. to the people at church… to new friends… to old friends. Making sure no one knows that you are lying about being who you truely are just to make them happy. One more time, imagine going to bed at night with the person you have ZERO attraction for and hoping and praying you dont have a vivid dream about being with a person you would be attracted to and talking in your sleep about it. Knowing that if you say anything out of line… anything that would make the person you are sleeping with question you… that your whole life could fall apart based on what you say in your dreaming state. Can you imagine how scary that would be??? When my grandmother died of colon cancer, I remember her telling me that if any of her grandkids came to her and told her that they were gay that she would love them no matter what, that God made them for a reason and that it was up to us to find out. She hugged me and never said anything else about it… I think she knew about me and knew that I was scared to come out. She was not scared of what anyone else had to say about it… we were HER grandchildren and she loved us UNCONDITIONALLY. When she died… I came out a few years later, when I was ready. My favorite aunt Sonia told me that it was just a phase and that I should go with her to talk to the priest. As if talking to him would somehow change me back to being straight. She was more worried about how her friends and the people at church would react! I knew I was gay before I even knew what the word gay meant! I “LIKED” the babysitter I had when I was 4. I always “LIKED” girls… never had that feeling for boys. Boys where fun to play with… go ride our bikes… play sports… climb trees… go swimming but didn’t “LIKE” them like THAT!!! So I wondered why my aunt would dismiss my feelings the way she did and try to fix me like there was something to be fixed. I moved away… a state away to live my life the way I wanted to live it. With the exception of my aunt and a cousin… the rest of my family accepts me and loves me. They have accepted my partner and our children as well. I live in the bible belt and work at a christian nursing home where the residents know who I am and who I am with and have no problem with it. My partner and I dont show public displays of affection unless we are at a gay function amongst friends and supporters… where we feel safe. My partners family still cant accept our relationship… I’ve never had a cross word to say to any of them… I dont go to their family functions but encourage my partner to go if she wants to. My partner and I went to visit my family last summer and she said that they all made her feel like she was part of the family more so than her own family. My advice for all the moms whos child has rejected them…. check your actions toward your child. They leave cause they dont want the negativity in their lives… they have enough to deal with, they dont need anymore drama added to it. If you want to be part of their lives give them room to breathe and dont tell them how to live their lives… they are old enough to figure it out. They are human beings that deserve not to be judged on something they have no control over… you cannot control who you fall in love with, it’s no different for them.
Six months ago my daughter came out. She is 19. I had suspected that she might be gay for a while so although a bit confroning it wasnt a big shock. I immediately started reading books on understanding your gay child, and for the past six months have done eveything the books say, about supporting, loving, not judging, accepting, showing affection, not treating any different etc etc. My daughter is happier than I have seen her in years. I have never been more miserable. Its not that she is a lesbian – that I can cope with. Its just that in six months she has become totally ‘butch’, had many piercings, tattoos, shaved the sides of her head, wants to stretch her ear lobes, only buys mens clothes. Her girlfriend has barbie pink hair as well as all the piercings and tattoos. I feel that I have lost the daughter I knew and dont recognise this person. She has no idea I feel this way as I havee been so careful to be supportive of her. We have taken her and her girlfriend out to dinners and her girlfriiend often spends the night at our home. I have spent twenty years nurturing this child, and raising her to have certain standards and values. I feel that the way she is presenting herself is going to make her a target of homophobics and also jeopordise her position in the workforce. All the books I have read seem to give all the advice on how to keep your gay child happy, but how do I as a loving mum cope with MY feelings of loss and disappointment? We do love our children unconitionally and the fac that she is gay is not the major problem, its how much she has changed. The books say she is still the same person, just her sexuality is different. NO, she is NOT the same. She looks different, her pier group is different, the places she frequents have changed, the things she talks about have changed, the kind of people she brings home have changed. Its all a lot to cope with in a very short space of time. I look at her and instead of the beautiful girl with long curls, I see an androginous person with a strange haircut and piercings and tattoos. It breaks my heart.
Another thing that the books dont talk about is how hard it is for us parents when everything is being played out on facebook. I have people asking me what is going on with my daughter because they have seen pictures of her kissing girls on facebook as well as comments on facebook that make it obvious that she is gay. I dont get the choice of who to tell or when becuase its all out there for all to see. Her friends show their parents who show other friends etc. My family who live on the other side of the world knew before I even told them because they had seen things on facebook – its just not fair! I am glad my daughter is happy – I just wish I was too!!
I am a Health Education teacher in NJ and I am doing my graduate research on LGBTQ. I came across this website and wanted to leave a note. This is an AWESOME place to get information, support, etc. What a wonderful safe place Debbie has created for parents and others to get the support they need. It’s also very refreshing to find this kind of website instead of the anti/gay Christian websites that seem to be all over the web. Thanks again Debbie for being such a wonderful mother and human being