My Daughter Is Gay And I Need Help
Hello and I wanted to ask a few questions. My daughter is gay has married her life partner who has given birth to a baby boy now going on age 2 ..My daughter is very educated and has moved to the west coast to live and wants nothing to do with me??? Is it normal or let me put it another way do gay adult children form new family bonds with other gays and shut out family members for whatever reason????
I never had a problem with her being gay but feel she feels uncomfortable with me I think. She told me she never wanted to talk about her childhood or bring up any memories. It is like she has erased herself and created another person. She has changed her name and her telephone number and will not answer my e-mails and I have pleaded for closure and giving me some idea.
I asked her point blank what the problem and I said your treating me as if I were a toxic parent. She said I was and made the call brief thus in bad judgement I called her a spoiled brat and went into the stunned anger of saying all I have done for her….Looking back I see that was a hudge mistake. I have two older sons who are loving people and we all get the fact you must love and understand people for who they are and how they wish to live their life…This is very painful and it seems so simple to me one talks it out but I will not be given that chance… I never drank, smoked pot, took drugs but did make the mistake of letting her do what she wanted but she was a hard worker and always took care of her business and she was a great kid.
In her childhood age 9 I was a single parent with no child support and worked hard and gave her what I thought was a good life… I tried taking her to church and we both went for help on my divorce issues…. She was always so good and never gave me few problems….. My daughter-in-law ( her life partner ) has a MED, Ma and working on a PHD.in psychology and I think she does not care for me …Several years ago when I visited I stayed in a motel and no one offered to even fix a small meal.
We took a drive to the coast and my daughter wore a head set and seemed not intredsted in talking. I have not been back or seen the baby. I have money, gifts and made the baby a homemade quilt. It has been a very difficult and confussing journey and I was not a parent who cared if she was gay????? I am 62 and hope before I die she will forgive me for whatever i did and call. I would love to understand so if this is something that happens often please let me know. If I can help another person please let me know…
Debbie- I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe you could send her a letter explaining how you feel. Don’t give up…keep trying to get her back. But until then, enjoy your two boys. Don’t forget they are still there for you.
I am sorry. It is really diffcult and very sad to be rejected by a child. I don’t think this is necessarily a sexuality issue. Heterosexual children also reject their parents, particularly if they hook up with a person who doesn’t get on with you. I think you should continue sending letters, cards and presents to your new grandchild. Always enquire on your daughter and her partners wellbeing in the letters. However I would stop asking her what is wrong. Maybe as her child gets older, and she realises how hard it is to try and “get it right” with her child, she will forgive you for what ever she thinks you did wrong in her upbringing. Good luck to you and enjoy your two sons.
Elaine
Dear Debbie,
After reading your heartfelt letter I needed to reply and say how sad and sorry to hear how your daughter has cut you out of her life. I have only recently realised my daughter is gay and know the reason now why she cut me out of her life and nearly disappeared. I accepted her being gay from the start, but its almost as if she cannot accept herself still. I too am hanging on by the skin of my teeth to keep communication with Kristie; so your can imagine how hearing your situation affected me! All I keep doing is reassuring her that she is loved and cherished but at times she pulls down the shutters and I live in fear of losing her. Her new partner may also not want the closeness of her family too. I can only pray for us both. Godbless x Sheila.
Dear Debbie,
Our son, age 23, Harvard graduate also has rejected us, his family . I loved him so much and now I feel like i hate him. His actions have caused us so much anguish, I have been grieving like it was his death, although with no closure and so much more anger.Do gay young people have to come to terms with themselves, do they act out their confusion on their parents? Is this normal, or is he just a spoiled, ungrateful, mean human being? I am so glad to find this website, I have been too ashamed of my son’s behaviour to talk to anyone about my hurt and grief. I will pray for all of you and am so glad I am not allow in my confusion. Sue
Debbie, I also share your pain. My daughter is gay and I have always excepted her as best I can. We have a very close relationship, but it hasn’t been easy for me. Things still arise to create problems, even though we are close. I don’t like the open affection she and her partner seem to need to share around us. She can’t seem to understand, or does not want to, that we don’t see the need for that display. I asked her to please not do that when we have an older relative coming to visit, but in her eyes, I’ve rejected her gayness by asking this one small favor, and she told me that maybe she needs to halt her visits. I don’t want to see that if she were my straight daughter and her boyfriend. I don’t understand the need for this when anyone is out in public. But she tells me that she’s comfortable with who she is, and she won’t change, and she certainly doesn’t want to tell her partner how I feel. Maybe I’ve accepted her too much. I think Sheila is on to something though, when she said that they haven’t accepted themselves, and I think they all react differently to it. So, please just realize that even a close relationship with a gay child has it’s pitfalls, and I’m sure we’re all blamed for something that happened in their childhood. I know it’s difficult for you right now, but at least your not being stressed with the complications such a relationship can cause, and maybe in some way, your daughter is trying to protect you from her lifestyle.
Dear Ladies,
All your letter’s make me sad. I’m gay and I would love to talk to any of you ladies about your situation. Please remember your kids still love you no matter what and I hope one day they all realize that. My mother and I have a great relationship I live in Minnesota and she lives in ILL but we talk 2 or 3 times a day. I’m 45 years old and been out since I was 16. My family always knew, and it was never a issue. You have to life your life for you and what makes you happy. here is my email address if you ladies need to talk. lhicks@jjamz.com
Once again i’m so sorry.
laurie
My son came home for Christmas and told his father and I that he was gay. I have cried every day. Basically I am grieving for the loss of my son. I can’t confide in my friends. I talked to the priest who gave words of comfort. I talked to a counselor who didn’t help at all. My husband (his father) doesn’t want to talk about; almost like we need to pretend everything is “normal”. But I’m in a deep well with blackness closing in on me. I pray for death because right now my heart is in pieces.
I’m so sorry Mary! Don’t give up, but I do understand how you feel. It’s the worst feeling anyone can ever have, but it’s not worth death (but believe me I have thought that too)I try to pretend everything is normal too, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. I have cried almost everyday since Sept. of this year.I try to enjoy her and not think about it when she is home. She is a different person when she spends time with her friend. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with us when they are together. To you Laurie, I am happy it has worked out for you and your family. The one thing that hurts me the most is that my daughter has been lying to me for 5 years. There may be people who are “gay” but I think these days the society has changed the way people act. Celeb’s like Adam Lambert and Lady GaGa make it worse. I would hope my child would never act like them. It’s an embarrassment to all gays in my opinion.
Dear Mary,
You have not lost your son, only the dreams that you had for him. Over time your dreams will change to fit who your son really is. My son is also gay, (age 23) and it is very, very hard to come to terms with it, we were too slow in the process, apparently, and our son saw it as a rejection of him and now has nothing to do with us. When that happened,I too also prayed for death. PFLAG meetings (parents and friends of lesbians and gays) have really helped us with the gay issue, however, nothing helps with the rejection issue. Give yourself time to learn about being gay, check out books from the library, let you son know you need time but that you want to support him and are really trying. Hopefully your son will appreciate your efforts, (my son did not) and be patient in your journey. You are at the beginning and it will get better. Your son is the same person that he has always been, the fact that he told you and his father about being gay speaks volumes about the trust and love he has for you and what wonderful parents you have been to him.
I am so sorry for all of you ladies, I can’t imagine the pain you all must be feeling. As a young gay woman myself, I have difficulties understanding why your children would back away from your efforts! From what I understand, you are all doing the best you can at this time. Maybe your children need time away from their families to adjust to their new lifestyles, or maybe they were scared of rejection and just couldn’t take it when you didn’t embrace their orientation right away. I advice you, like many others before me, to be patient. Sooner or later, your children will come around. They will realize just how important their families are to them, and once they do, they will be grateful that you never lost faith in them. I myself have always been met with acceptance and love from my family, and I would be lost without them. You are all good mothers; nothing means more than that. Just keep trying.
I am glad I found this site as well, I have been feeling so alone.
I am the mother of two gay children. My daughter is 22 and lesbian and my son is 19 and gay.
Reading that other people actually hate their children at times… made me burst into tears. That is an emotion I wasnt ready to face but there it is.
I am trying so hard to understand them but I feel they make no effort to understand my feelings. My son has started wearing make-up and some feminine clothing and I know my disappointment shows on my face even though I really am trying to be there for him.
Its a bad state of affairs really. I need to work on it for sure, but I am trying to be strong.
Be strong and don’t give up hope!!! It’s the society we live in today that makes kids think it’s ok. I am trying to understand my daughter…but it’s hard. I read the post about people saying I’m selfish, but it’s the way I feel. I’m not going to be ok with it until I know for sure it’s really how my daughter is and then I will deal with it just as other parents do because I love her. And for the one’s that think I’m a horrible parent. THere are other things going on not just the “gay” thing. I want the best for her!
Wow, My daughter has divorced me as of 2years & 4months ago. It almost seems like a craze or something after reading theses blogs. I too thought I was a bad mother. What in the world did I do. Before my daughter met her partner, we were so close. We were best of friends. When she was 25 she met her partner. After that she and her partner were short with me, criticized me, and it was like begging them to make time to see me. Then out of the blue my daughter calls me and tells me that she has a new life now. Her partner has two mothers and a big family, so she doesn’t need me in her life. She changed her phone and doesn’t answer her e-mail. I have sent cards with checks, and the checks are never cashed. She told me she is happier now than she ever has been in her life and she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t think it would hurt anymore if I was stabbed in the heart with a knife and turn it.
I am praying for all you bloggers. Please pray for me!
Thanks and God Bless You All!