Mums Concern For Gay Daughter
Hello, my name is Nicole and I am happy to find your website.
I was recently told by my daughter that she was gay. I was shocked at first but then when I gave it a lot of thought, it made sense. My husband and I love and support her no matter what and want to be as helpful as possible but sometimes a person is not sure what exactly is the best way to help. She is struggling with it in her personal life cause most of her contacts are straight.
I suggested that she find a support group with kids her age (20) who are going through the same thing. We do not live in a big city but live an hour away from one. She said that since she came out, when she’s around her peers, she feels like the elephant in the room. I know what she means but don’t know exactly how to advise her about dealing with it. I have gay friends (although much older) and was raised around gay people who were friends of my mom’s. Even with that, I still feel a little lost.
I would love an instruction manual to help me, ha ha, so if you can recommend one, I would appreciate it. Also, any advise from your more experienced moms would be great! We just want her to be happy. Thank you.
Hi Nicole, I just found this website today and like you, my daughter recently came out to me about being gay. During our conversation she handed me a PFLAG booklet called Our Sons & Daughters. It was very helpful to me initially. I have always thought of myself as liberal minded and one of my life long friends is gay. My daughter has found it extremely helpful to become involved in a Pride group (which is made up of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, etc. as well as Heterosexual students). Not only is it’s main purpose to educate the public it’s also a social group with wonderful support. She is fortunate to attend a college that is supportive of all students and has made some very good friends through her Pride group. Can your daughter find a support group in the city you wrote about. I realize it is a long drive but it will be well worth it for her to have friends like her. Perhaps if she is so inclined, she could start a Pride group in your area. There are most likely many young people like her in your area, and parents like us too. So many are afraid to come out due to the negative reaction of so many misinformed people. However there are more people offer love and support than there are the negative ones. I think connecting with others is the key, whether in a group setting or online. The more knowledge we share the better it is for everyone. PFLAG has a website where you can search for the nearest support group near you. My daughter has not told her father yet. He is from and older generation and is somewhat homophobic. He loves her so much that I know he will support her when she gets up the nerve to tell him. Hopefully soon so I can share with him all the wonderful information I have found. By the way there is a wonderful book written by Betty Degeneres, Ellen’s mom. My daughter actually surprised me with a copy this weekend. It’s a great book for both mom’s and daughters. I wish you all the best. I know that your daughter and you will be much closer as you undertake this journey.
I am the mother of a gay daughter. I have not been handling this well. Every mother wants her daughter to grow up and being just like her. Well my daughter could not be less like me; dressing mostly like a boy and not caring anything about her appearance. This is killing me and has destroyed out relationship. I am constantly being mean and saying horrible things to her. The thing that I ask her to do is dress descently; she says she would and then never does. I’m actually ashamed of the way she looks when I take her out. I am going to counseling to try and deal with this; but I feel that I have destroyed any hope of reconcillation. I don’t know if I can every accept this whole situation.
I had absolutely no idea my daughter was gay – she was 27 when I found out (by accident – she was very down and had travelled to America and outstayed her time with her now Civil Partner). I can’t express the pain I went through – every day I lived an breathed the few minutes it took for me to ask “do you have a special friend in America who is a female” and her saying “yes, Mum I’m sorry but I feel ashamed and I don’t know how to tell you”. My whole world fell apart – but from a whirlwind of finding out she was gay to her having a Civil Partnership in the USA some months later somehow me and my husband have come through!! My ‘girls’ are now happy and settled in the UK – they are both really gorgeous, attractive girls both nearly 30 and both very fancied by the male sex (they have a giggle about that). I’d really like to keep in touch with others mums who have gay siblings – I have one acquiantance who I see not very often who has a gay daughter and it would be really nice to be in touch with other parents. Della
I can just give you some thoughts from your daughter’s perspective…
It’s a Difficult thing to go through. Many of us have been living with the knowing “i think I am gay” for Many years before we’ve even got the guts to tell someone or to speak about it.
My parents (in their 50′s), brother (26) and sister(28) have not excepted it — they know for almost 3 years now, and they said they will never except it. They will NEVER EVER know how much “loving me but judging ‘being gay’ ” is killing me.
It is not something I can change. No person will choose it if they know there might be persecution. Every person wants to be accepted by people.
My family believes I am straight, because I was married to a guy. And they care more about what other people would think of them than my happiness.
They think if they keep on “loving me”, but make sure I know that they Never ask how my partner is (we’ve been together for almost 3years), and make sure that I know I am welcome in their house AS LONG AS I COME ALONE… that it will make me “change my mind”. They believe God didn’t make me like this and therefore I will go to hell.
Everything they do is just pushing me away from them. I’ve been trying Everything to get close them again (we were a VERY close family), but the hurt they cause every time they deliberately never ask about my partner’s well-being, or become numb when I mention her, is SO bad that it is easier to find other people’s parents and just try and “replace” what I miss in my life.
I guess what I’m trying to say is:
LOVE your gay child. That’s all he/she wants from you. You will understand them much better by loving them and letting them “at home” with you, rather than judging them. If you keep on judging them, you WILL lose them.
I hope this bit of info can help someone.
To the poster “PAM” – are you still reading this forum?
I very much relate to portions of your post and am needing to connect with another mother of a gay daughter, to talk about this subject, share thoughts and frustrations and concerns.
How do you get over the feeling of: “Where did I go wrong?”
Hi, my name is Andrea and I live in Croatia ( That s in Europe). I ve found this site on purpuse. I wanted to see how people look on gay people. I never realased why some people cant accept gay s. I am not gay but I just wanted to say what I think. They are normal people. anyway who says that heterosexuality is normal. Bible?? It s just not rigt how some people treat gay people. They have a rigt to be who they are! They also have feelings and people should pay attention what are thay sayng cause they could heart someone. I ve allways wanted to meet T.R. Knight (an actor who played George O Malley in Greys Anatomy). Especially when Isaiah Washington called him a faggot. Because of that kind of words people suck. And life would be so easier if people could exept each other and love each other for who they are. Cause everyone has a right to love. Love has no limits and has no rules. Love chooses our soul mates. And if two guys or girls love each other in publick that just prooves how stronge and pure and uniqueli love and people who know how to love are. They are on the top of the world and I edmire them. So goodluck to all of you who are gays and lesbians and live a happy life. Cause the ones who heart you are not your real friend. And they are not wourthet of your love and attention. Love ya Theodore Raymond Knight. This is for you. forever!
I was driving when my daughter told me she was gay. In retrospect I am grateful I didn’t wreck the car. I thought we were close and feel utterly lied to. I too do not ask about her partner and have probably said some things. I feel the need ( as a parent and a christian) to reconcile, but I do not know where to begin. We have seen each other 3 times since her coming out 2+ years ago. We mostly do phone and e-mail all very superficial(baseball, weather, school). She is away at college and does all this gay pride stuff I cringe when I hear about it. I feel like a failure as a parent. I was afforded the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and I blew my only job. I found out about things that went on at sleep overs through her friends my space. I feel betrayed and like she thinks of me like some kind of fool. I would pick her up from school and her friends would refer to her as “my little lesbian” and I allowed her to explain it away. Yes I am that stupid.
I try not to let the lack of relationship my daughter and I have affect my relationship with her younger brohers. They still live at home with my husband and I, but I don’t want to draw close to them. I could not take another blow like this.
My parents always treated me horrible they used to make me go sit in the closet telling me to learn and love being IN the closet. All I have to say is if u believe inthe bible on the whole gay Ppl go to bell thing don’t rub it in her face!
hello, this really doesnt have to do with the blog, sorry. I just wanted to say thanks to the people who made and maintain this site. i am 15 years old and am bisexual. i have always been afrade to tell anyone because i thought i was alone and would be ingored and treated badly. going through this site showed me that i am not alone and that there are people out there who are proud to show it and to others. i have been telling my friends and family through out the past year and they have all been happy and proud that i trust them enough to tell them. everythings been fine. Thanks for everything people of pflag. your making an incredible change.
Hello, everyone! Our daughter came out a little over a year ago. At the time, she was under a great deal of stress as she was taking very difficult college courses, was working 35 hours a week and was unable to sleep. She ended up briefly withdrawing from school (but is back now). Her news was not particularly surprising to us, and we are giving her 100% of our support as did most of the extended family. While I’m not upset about her sexual orientation, I’ve been looking for other parents and/or gays to blog with. I was very open with everyone when my daughter shared her news; everyone, with a couple of exceptions, who matters to me knows. Unfortunately, I have one very close friend whose husband is extremely intolerant and does not allow gays into his home. This bothers me very much. One of my siblings also made a comment that still hurts me to this day. I am very proud of everything my daughter has accomplished and only want her to be happy; I’ll support her in any way I can. Thanks for “listening!”
I am looking for a support group for moms of gay sons in or around putnum county,ga. I also am seeking any recommended books for parents of gay sons. My son is in his mid 40′s and has fully come out and i love him but do not approve of this. I need help. He is also wanting us to accept this while he is judging others in the family for things he doesn’t approve of.
Dear Parents,
I AM THE PROUD MOTHER of 2 children, two gay children whom I adore. I support them 100%. I am in the process of designing a website /blog to help parents deal with having gay children and I would love to reach out to the parents who throw their kids on the streets.
First, I am not telling anybody what to do: I am in Los Angeles, and have attented Camp Courage (campcourage.org) twice, and am about to go to my 3rd in Santa Barbara. Only one or two moms come… We need more parents to get involved…
I have never seen so much pain felt by young adults, much older ones, when they tell their “story of self”. Those kids, your kids, are frightened to come out because of the consequences. All the people I have met at those events, when I canvassed in South Central LA, would love to see their parents fight for them.
My heart breaks when I hear that some of those kids were thrown out of their houses, rejected completely by their families. I am not here to judge anybody, but they are our CHILDREN. Your love and support is what they want. It may take years for them to have the courage to face you… I am not better than anybody, but I am proud of my children (son, 22 – daughter 25). The kids I meet tell me to tell my kids that they are so lucky. They all wish they were loved by their parents. They cry, hug me, share their heartbreak.. and I cry with them..
If you are tormented, please read a book I bought when my son came out in 2008: Straight parents, gay children by Robert Bernstein. I hope it helps you. It is wonderful.
Please, please love your children… there are worse things than having a gay child. I would not trade mine for any other kids. It is NOT their choice to be gay, please understand that!
I can’t wait to have my blog. Happy New Year to all, do not freak out. Go and hug your child and tell him/her you love them….
i am a mother of a gay son.
very famous son.only son.
i am going to start a blog with other people whether they are gay or have gay children etc.
my sons in married and we just became grandparents..but there is more to this story than this.
the site i am trying to start is either “hello phyliss” or mamaphyl” not sure yet.if you would like to talk or email, m email is right now
phylisscunningham@mac.com
I am both heartened and dis-heartened by these parents responses. Nancy and Catherine, God Bless you for letting your children be exactly who they are, and embracing them.
Hi Nicole,
Reading your letter,it sounds like me. My 21 year old daughter told us over Christmas break from college that she is gay. I think deep down, I always thought it was possible but having her confirm it was difficult. She is a neat, neat kid and my husband and I are trying to give her all the support we can. I would love to talk to someone who is navigating these difficult waters with any advice on how best to support my child. Her emotions seem a bit all over the map right now and I would love some insight from other mothers who have already been through this.
I couldn’t figure out how to post a new thread. I have a 13 year old daughter who has labeled herself as bisexual and is having a relationship with another 13 year old girl. How do I start a new thread? I’m really lost and confused and I don’t know what to say or do…. I’ve been aimlessly searching the internet for some help all day.
Mary, we could be friends. My 13 year old daughter loves boys, but she also loves girls. I’ve come to terms with the fact that she sees boys and girls in the same light, sexually and romantically.
She has dated both.
If you want to contact me, I’d love to talk to you.
You can find me at mtlarue@yahoo.com
I’m not worried, by the way. She’s wonderful and I think her differences define her. She’s totally neat.
hello my name is cheryl, and i have a son who is 20 and i knew he was gay since 12 and we dont have a relationship at all because you were not made this way and i want nothing to do with him, and now my 16 year old son is lookjing on the gay site trying to figure things out and now i have disowned him to. i will not accept children like this because you expect your children to grow up go to college get married and have children and they wont and for some reason they decided to one day it’s not fair for that woman and that they will be bring into the world. help me to understand to to one day care for my son, because as of this point i dont care if he live or die, if he died i think i will be happy cause i wont have to deal with the gay life anymore, it’s sad to say but thats how i feel. plkease help me to understand.
Dear Los Angeles teen therapist
I am glad you are there for our kids, but dont presume to understand the pain we parents are going through
This is really a great resource, I’m so happy that it’s here for parents of gay children, I know it’s tough on all parents but the outcome of acceptance an being an incredible thing. Thanks.
Last night via text messaging my 17 yr old son came out to me that he was gay (he could not do it in person). I did not see this one coming and I am really having a hard time dealing with this. I love my son to death and that will never change. I feel the need to protect him as I have seen in the news how gay children (especially in HS) can be treated. His coming out has been emotionally hard for me. I spent last night tears and I will even admit I was physically ill. I am as of now the only one who knows and its really torn me up inside. My husband will not be accepting and since my marriage is not the best now I know this will be the end of it. My family is very religious and from past discussions they feel that gays can be cured, I however have never felt this. I am educated enough to know this is not a choice that they make. I have 3 children and he is my oldest. I don’t think my youngest will have a problem with my oldest being gay except for the shock but I know my middle one will. My middle child is very much like his father. I love my oldest and like I said I will NEVER turn my back on him but I am just not dealing with this well. I accept him for being gay but I know this will cause the end of my marriage and a split of my family. I’m sorry if I am rambling but I just needed to talk and right now I feel that I have no one. Please if anyone has any advise.
A heart broken mom
My son told me he was gay shortly after his 17th birthday. While I suspected he was having trouble with something, I never thought it was regarding his sexual identity. My son has been “the ladies man” for many years, with lots of young ladies on his arm. For years he told me he wanted to save his virginity for that special person,and surprise it was a guy. I know he felt a huge sense of relief since coming out, but since then it has been nothing but downhill between us. At first I was shocked, devastated,& deeply hurt that he hid it from me while he was secretly acting out.Then I came to understand that he was trying to come to terms with it himself before he could tell me. The one thing I have noticed is that unless you are a parent, or family member of a gay or lesbian child, forget people who aren’t, to understand or relate to you. They can’t identify with how you, or your child feels and more often than not say stupid, uncaring, flippant things that only make matters worse. I spent a few weeks getting over my own ego about how my son’s life should be and then I jumped in to support him whole heartedly. Then his boyfriend got between us, the young man has had 4 years of rejection from his family and is not very healthy as a result. I tried my hardest to let him know i was there for him as well, but over the months he has done nothing but bring drama and chaos into my life. I hooked up with my local PFLAG chapter to find support and understanding for myself and to stay strong and focused for the two of them. Two weeks ago my son ran away and moved in with the boyfriend. Both of them have cut off all contact from me. This is one of the hardest journeys I have been on. He has gone from being a sensitive, kind, decent, compassionate fellow, with only 2 months left before graduation, to a verbally abusive, inconsiderate, school skipping, screw University,I’ll do what I want, putting down his straight friends, little jerk, who does not want my love,support, or understanding. I personally can’t figure it out, why would he choose this path. There are many hurting young gay and lesbian youth who would love to have the support and love from their parents and yet my beautiful son whom I love deeply has chosen to reject me. Perhaps this is a “phase” and he will need time to learn more about himself and his new lifestyle, but as a parent I have to realize this is not about me….but rather his own immaturity, rebellion and self righteous attitude(and hormones) taking him for a ride. Will I give up on my son? NEVER!!!! I will wait for the day when we can again come together in love, respect, and acceptance of each other. Until that time comes I will work on myself, be there for other parents in my situation and learn what I can about this new chapter in my life. Please ALL…. hang in there…YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE….We just need to stay connected.
Pamelou that is so sad as you can accept your son, we cannot accept our daughter and don’t think we ever will. We have a really strange relationship now, she is so stroppy and to be honest every day the gap seems to widen between us; I feel I have absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with her any longer, she speaks to us like we are retards and the only consolation of all this is that I am now so hardened to her that I actually prefer it when she is out of the house and will be glad when she leaves home. I used to cry all the time about the situation but now wish to god i never had had her, she is so difficult and judgemental that I know her father and I are to become parents that don’t really see their children or have anything in common with them any longer. She has just changed so much it is unbelieveable, I am just glad we had another daughter. Why do they become so strange, she talks utter rubbish half the time!! her sisters friends think her strange too so it is not use us! One minute she is moving out, the next she is staying here at home, she flits between girls, even her heterosexual friends can’t believe what going on as it changes all the time. I can really understand now how people can just vanish and disappear as my husband and I feel that we could too now! I honestly feel I would be happier if I never saw her again! i do not want to meet any of the girls she meets and could have not believed that my life would turn out like this – what a bloody waste of time having kids was. My poor husband has aged 15 years, he is a good kind man and we didn’t deserve this, I never even particuarly wanted grandchildren and now after all this definitely don’t, our own daughter has been enough bloody hassle, certainly don’t want to repeat all this.
I’m confused! I found out my beautiful 19 year daughter had a girlfriend(very controlling girl) in September. Well…her friend broke up with her back in February and now she tell everyone about the boys she is talking to. She even points guys out and says “he’s hot”. I can’t help but wonder if she is doing that for my sake and just making up stories about boys thinking it will make me happy. Don’t shoot me! i don’t want her to date girls but I have told her it’s life and if that’s what she wants, it’s her decision and we will love her no matter what.
All her friends and family said she going through a phaze and everyone was as shocked as me when they found out she had a girlfriend. Now they believe she is straight again. I’m not so sure.
How do you know for sure if someone is “gay”?
Good Question How do you know if someone is Gay? My now 19 year old daughter told me during her Christmas break from college during her freshman year. Her first girlfriend was very overbearing and jealous. I am still trying to accept this whole gay thing do you just decide during college that you are gay…. if you are not sure does being in a relationship with a long time lesbian change you kinda like being around someone who smokes when you don’t then you start cause they are doing it and then it gets you hooked…..so many questions my daughter and I still have a fairly open relationship even though at times I still want to crawl in a hole or commit suicide. I realize that the last statement makes it (all about me) so am I a bad mom for feeling that way….. am I bad for hoping and praying for both my acceptance and or her changing…..we were so close and this happened when the empty nest was setting in for me. I have tried to look at her relationship like I would if it was a man the most recent (friend) has no job no car no place of her own, and no plans for the future. My child has decided to move in with her until she goes to college this fall I told her that I would not allow her to spend the night with a boyfriend while she was living with me and I would not let her spend the night with a girlfriend either she will be 21 in Sept I could take away the car and force her to stay here but I don’t see that solving anything. She thinks I am being mean because she is seeing a girl but I think she is just trying to make me feel bad. anyway it has been good for me to read the comments on this site I have never done this before but my Dr. recommended it because I was having some health issues that are stress related I do feel somewhat better and I am going to try very hard to Love and accept her for the beautiful child she is and will be and try to keep the (ME ME ME) out of the picture
I am so glad I found this site. My daughter at age 14 came to me and told me that she thought she was bisexual. We have always had an open relationship and I am open minded, so I told her that I didnt have a problem with it. At the time it seemed like everyone at her school was bi or gay, so I figured she was just doing as everyone else was. She is now 18 and has dated only 1 girl and 1 boy. She was talking to a man on the internet and really seemed to like him, until this girl at school told her she liked her. I had never heard this girls name mentioned before, so I was shocked when she let me know that she liked her too. I know this girls family and they are into things that I dont want around me or my family, so I told her that she was not allowed over there and I didnt want the girl here at my house. I have a 12 year old son that I dont want that around. Dont get me wrong, I love my children no matter what they do in life, but I dont want my youngest seeing 2 girls together yet. Then I find out that this girl is only 15 and I get really concerned. I have talked to her mother and find out that she knew nothing of what was going on. I hated the fact that I was lied to about her knowing everything and was fine with it. Ended up being me telling her that they were dating. We are both having a hard time with this and really dont know what to do. The age difference is a big issue right now. The girl is moving away because she has a problem with drinking and her parents cant seem to do anything with her. They are wanting to spend time together before she leaves next week, so I told her I would take her to a public place so they could spend the day together. Then she tells me that she wants to go stay with this girl for 4 days. The girls mom thought they were just friends so she said she could spend one night, but after talking to her and her finding out what was going on, that isnt happening. We have agreed to let them spend the day together and my daughter is acting like she is mad now. It seems that no matter what I do or say, it isnt enough for her. No I do not agree with the lifestyle, but like I told her, it is her life and she needs to make her own mistakes. My concern is that when this girl moves away, my daughter is going to back into depression and I am going to be the one left to pick up the pieces again. It is hard on me, so I know it is going to be harder on her. What do I do?? Thanks for letting me ramble
I found out about 3 months ago my daughter is gay. She had a good guy who she married when she was quite young and they were together almost 5 years. She has always been the most important thing in my life and always will. She has continued to spiral downhill since “coming out”. She has been in a mental institution twice in 3 months, she is a nurse and has been fired (unjustly) from her job, stays angry at me most of the time, and if I were not making her car and land payments she would be walking. It seems no matter what I say she turns it into an argument with me. She was sexually abused at age 3-5 (Of course I had no idea). She told me when she was sixteen that her dad had done this. Just wandering if anyone elses kid out there was sexually abused. My daughter won’t talk about the abuse which I think would help her. And like so many I have read about my daughter’s female friend is very controlling as well. Suffering mom in Oklahoma
Deb and other struggling parents, my son told me he was gay after his first year in college and it was a total shock. He had had girlfriends over the years and given us no prior indication. At first I thought he was joking, because we are a jokster family. When I understood that he was serious, we had a lot of conversations over several days and he spent the next week nearly glued to my side. He was so relieved and glad to have come out and understood that it wasn’t going to change our relationship! I’m shocked that it would ever cross his mind that I would love him less or that this would cause a rift in our relationship. Of course, he is who he is. Period. I worry about him and how the world will treat him, certainly, but though the future isn’t the one I envisioned – it is a future, and it’s a good one. He has a great boyfriend of two years now and a good job. His life is going well.
I’m really surprised to hear that there are some of you out there who really look at your kids differently after learning they’re gay. They are exactly the same person they were the day BEFORE they told you they were gay, but when they decided to confide in you they took a HUGE risk and it’s sad that some of you have let your kids down. Enjoy your kids for who they are, not who you wish they would be. You’ll miss out on so much great stuff if you are waiting for things to be perfectly arranged to suit you. I think parenting is making sure you are attuned to the needs of your kids. Mine may not want anything to do with me for days or weeks, but then I notice that they are loitering around or lingering during a phone call with me, and if I turn off the TV or shut off the computer and really pay attention – there it is, that moment where they have something they want to share, confide, or get advice about. Forget about trying to push, mold or fix them. Once they reach a certain age your job is done and you just have to stand back and let them live their own lives. I’m also a big fan of hugging them as much as they’ll tolerate. Shows ‘em you care, even if they aren’t in the mood to talk to you just then. Do make sure your kids are safe though: I had a gay friend talk to my son about safety and lifestyle issues. I don’t know what they talked about, but I wanted to make sure he had good advice from an older peer.
If there are gay kids out there who have been disappointed by their own parents and want a parent stand-in, I’m happy to correspond: brown.kathryn1@gmail.com
P.S. Deb – if your marriage was in trouble, it was probably just a matter of time – don’t put the blame on this last straw. That is way too much guilt for a kid to handle.
Parents, hard as it is for us, think what your beloved children are going thru. Please don’t abandon them at this most critical juncture in their lives. You’ve spent all their life getting them to this point of discovering who they are. For it is a process of discovery to be gay, not a sudden choice, and by not giving them full love and support you are casting the first (of many) stones that will be hurled in their direction. Why would you want to participate in the destruction of someone you brought into the world? Be the incredible human being your child believes you to be, and embrace your miraculous child for who they are.
Proud mom of a beautiful gay 21 year old daughter.
I’m a mother of a beautiful 21 year old daughter. She is an honor student, an accomplished athlete, and an overall wonderful person. She and I are VERY close, we talk about everything, we shop and do lunch. I thought I knew everything about her!! Eighteen months ago, she moved into off campus housing with 3 other friends. They were all in the same dorm and wanted more “freedom”. I thought it was a natural progression towards independence and agreed to the move. My daughter made “friends” with one of the girls, and talked about her constantly. She always had tons of friends in high school, but never a real “best” friend, so I was happy for her. My feelings changed when one time I visited the girls for the weekend. We all went out to dinner, and I noticed that my daughter and this friend of hers were acting just a little too “close”. My daughter always was clinging to her and I noticed it especially when they sat together on the sofa. My daughter would snuggle up to her friend, and it made me feel very awkward. I asked what was going on, and that it looked “odd” that they would behave like that if they were just “friends”.
Over time, my daughter gradually introduced her friend into our home and our lives. Another light bulb went off when I offered our guest room during a visit to our home, and they declined. The girls slept in our daughter’s room, in the same bed, with her 16 year old brother in the next bedroom!! She assured me that kids in college just prefer that and it’s not unusual. I am not an idiot, and did suspect but did not want to cause a blow-up in case I was wrong. This friend has spent a week skiing with us, and been out to dinner. She is a nice kid, and comes from a nice family. I like her just fine, as my daughters FRIEND and not GIRLFRIEND!!
Ten days ago, my daughter and I had an unrelated argument. I said many horrible things and while I was at it threw in the lesbian fear in for good measure. We didn’t speak for a day. I finally tried to reconcile by text messaging, even though she was 2 rooms away. It was then that I asked the dreaded question……”Are you gay”??? She confirmed it and asked me if I hated her. She feared rejection and was scared. I ran downstairs to my husband to confirm my suspicions with my daughter running behind me. We both assured her that we still love her, but it will take TIME for this to sink in. Even though I suspected, I was NOT prepared for confirmation!! THIS was a mistake, as I DRAGGED my daughter out of the closet, before she was ready to come out. BIG mistake. Now every time I look a little sad, or upset she gets angry. Tells me it’s “no big deal”. ” Why are you so upset??” she asks me. We should be happy she has found her “soulmate”. They plan on being together “FOREVER” and that she will NEVER change. She just loves a girl instead of a boy and what is SO wrong with that? They will both wear wedding gowns and have kids she tells me. Although they are religious, my daughter wants to marry on a beach.
I guess I’m upset because first of all the DREAM of my husband walking my daughter down the aisle has been dashed by this news. We wanted the fairy tale wedding that everyone wants for their child’. She is my ONLY daughter!!! But, again that is OUR dream and not hers, so we CAN let that one go for now. I’m just worried that she will face terrible criticism from society and will lead a difficult life. I think she is being unrealistic that she has found THE one in her first same-sex relationship. I’m worried that when this relationship winds down, she will be very disappointed.
I hope this isn’t too long. I am hurt and worried. I threw up for 3 days and didn’t sleep at all. I went to my doctor for Zanex to help with anxiety at night. I love my daughter and want HER to be happy!! I just don’t know HOW to accept this and SHE needs to give me more than 10 days to “get over” it!! If anyone is in the same boat with their daughter and would like to chat, please email me at laxmom611@hotmail.com. I really could use a friend right now, as I haven’t been able to tell our friends yet. Thanks
To Struggling,
I wrote you an email. I am not sure when you posted your comment, if it was recently or a while ago as there is no date given. I hope that your email is still valid. I would really like to talk to you. Hope to hear from you.
I am the mother of a 36 yr old daughter who just came out after being married to a man for 7 yrs. No children. This was like a knife in my heart. I totally freaked out until I talked to some of my closest friends & sat down & thought about it. They made me realize that she is still the same person she always was, still loves me & needs me. They said would it be better if she was a drug addict, or anorexic, or some kind of criminal. When u think about it. They are right. I still love her because she is my flesh & blood & as long as she respects me as a mother, I just want her to be happy. People do not push your children away–no matter what because they need u. They love us just as we love them & they cannot help their feelings.
As a LONG time supporter of gay rights I find that I am in a strange position. My husband & I have always had open discussions with our daughter about our feelings on this subject. For years we have suspected that our daughter might not be heterosexual. She has recently “come out” (bisexual) to us and I am surprised how I feel. I love her, I support her,I am not disappointed (I think) but I feel sad. This is a feeling I did not expect! I know I am worried about how other people will treat her once they find out – it seems it will always be struggle. She is 14. One of the reasons she says she did not tell us earlier was that she was afraid we would not let her have friends over (friends meaning non-romantic)-no hanging out in her room w/door closed while they listen to music,chat and all the things teen friends do and then there is the question of sleep overs. My question is How do I handle those situations? If we knew she was heterosexual we would not allow a boy in her room with the door closed nor would we allow a sleep over. So with her recent admission the logic follows that we would not allow girls either…I know we’ll do what feels right for all involved but am curious as to how other parents of bi or gay teens dealt with this issue without seeming like you don’t trust or support your child.
My daughter came out to me a few months ago and I must say that I am not dealing with it very well at all…I feel like oh when she was little maybe I shouldnt have let her play all the sports and never hardly wore dresses I shouldnt have said oh she’s my little tomboy..did I do this??????? It’s also hard because I wonder over and over is this my fault..and how long has she been feeling like this..I asked and she said since 8th grade and she is now 21..so I feel bad that she has been dealing with all this in her head since about 14 years old…I pray for her and will support her 100% it’s just taking time…I have this feeling that she is living a double life
My daughter is living with a roommate for who knows how long. They both are good decent working girls. Their relationship was too close for been only roommate,but everyone of them had their own room, so even that my heart was telling me that they were partners, inside me I was denying it.
This week she call me and talk me that she is in love with her roommate, even that I knew, now I am sure and I am very upset. I told her that she has my blessings, but I am also wonder if it is my fault, since I never had a good relationship with her father or my actual husband. I am wondering if it makes her hate men.
Even, that I love her with all my heart, this all deal is stressing me out.
I will love to be able to deal with this normally like if her partner were a guy.
I want her to be happy more than anything else.
To Confused……when did you send me your email? I wrote this about 6 months ago and want to encourage you all that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel!! I have not fully accepted my daughter’s sexuality 100%. But I no longer feel so sick that I feel I cannot go on. My daughter is still with her girlfriend and is HAPPY. I have come to realize that this is what every parent wants for their children. This was not what I expected or planned for my daughter. But if this is who she really is…..I cannot change her. It’s not my place to tell my daughter who to love, whether it be a man or woman. So while I am not in full acceptance, I AM in tolerance. My daughter continues to be the person I raised, and the only thing that has changed is her love for someone unexpected. I am still very proud of her and love being with her. These past 6 months were very difficult, I am not going to lie. But time does settle you into what I would call the “new normal”. Struggling……but feeling better!!!
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I am the straight parent of an adult gay male who has worked through many issues to gain total acceptance of my son’s sexual identity. I speak about these issues in my blog: http: straightparentgaykid.blogspot.com. I’ve been there and as a mother, know what you are experiencing. My blog offers advice.
Hi. My daughter is 36, and came out to me 13 years ago. I admit I was completely devastated for a couple of days – then the protective side of me kicked in, and I was prepared to fight the world for her.
This is my second marriage, and my husband is always saying he’s a Christian, he’s born again, etc….but his attitude to my daughter is just downright nasty. Of course he will engage her in conversation, he had a cousin who was gay, and “our whole family really enjoyed his company, he was a wonderful cook, his partner was such a nice person”. I think you get my drift. But then he will insert little snarky remarks all the time. Not necessarily about her being gay, but I am getting more and more convinced that that is his reason. I desperately need to communicate with another mother/s who is in my position. I need counselling. Not advice.
Mothers….and Fathers….,
Our children take their cue from us! We are the only parents they have…and WANT! Who someone is attracted to is their business. I admit I was totally devastated and paranoid for a couple of days when my daughter accidentally came out to me. But with 13 years under my belt I have learnt how much hatred there is in the world for people who are different from us. I don’t want my precious child to be harmed by this hatred. She is the precious child that I have nurtered all her life. For this attraction to be compared unfavourably to a drug addict or worse is simply unbelievably sad. All these children need is to be accepted. Isn’t that what anyone wants in life? How about women with big noses, or knobbly knees, or thin hair, or no boobs, or big ears, or a figure unlike a top model??? Acceptance! Accept them as not abnormal, and “love one another as I have loved you”, and see the change in their behaviour towards you. You will be “favourably shocked”.
I have neglected to mention that my daughter and I have the most wonderful relationship. So many people have remarked on how close we are. Why do people feel our relationship is even worth remarking on? Isn’t it normal for a mother and daughter to be friends? By the way I have a younger daughter, and we also have a very close relationship.
We have our disagreements on a regular basis, but never would I call her ungrateful, a brat, or words like that. I am the parent, an example she should follow, and if she should say something in anger to me, then because she always will feel like an adult child when she is with me I will see her remark for what it is – a venting to her mom, just that.
It is wonderful to read the posts of the parents who have gay children and love and support their children. I love my children so much and support them. I am heartbroken that any parent can turn their back on their child.
To those parents who are suffering, I am the mother of a gay son and a gay daughter and I know it took some time to get through my feelings when they came out. I know many parents who have gone through this and it is OK. What I told my children at the time is that I was mourning the dreams that I had built about their future, but never did my feelings or love for them change. Love them, support them, allow yourself to let go of the dreams but don’t stop loving your children.
Judy
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My daughter came out to me last year saying that she thinks she is bi-sexual. I’ve always been open minded about all things, and told her that it was OK and that in time she will figure it out and that I love her no matter what.
I’ve never agreed with the gay lifestyle and don’t understand it at all. A few weeks later after doing some research into helping me understand it better, I came across some adamant arguments that being gay is a choice, and a bad one at that. Giving references to Islamic practices and of findings of proof that people aren’t born gay.
This upset me and I was upset with my daughter for manipulating me this way. We have always had a fairytale relationship. I’ve always been proud of how much we love each other.
I did say some things to her that were probably wrong, but I guess it took a while for the shock to sink in. Now I am trying to find the truth. I wonder a lot if it weren’t something I did as a full time single parent raising a girl on my own that had something to do with it. Or if it weren’t due to her NEED to be accepted by others causing her to happen into this circle of people who share the need and it turns into this? I’m so confused and disappointed as I don’t want her to have a hard life. Not to mention constantly having to explain and guide my brother and sisters and nephews and nieces about her. I’m not looking forward to this at all. She’s 16 now and has always been a little behind emotionally. This was due to being physically abused by the mothers boyfriend when being raised by her mother up to age 6.
I could use some input. I want to learn the appropriate reaction to this and although I’m always there for her, I am not comfortable with her decision and I need to be. I can’t totally be there for her until I am am in my heart as much as in my mind. I love her soooo much, but this has put a wrench in the works and I need to get over it. Just don’t know how.
I will accept emails at garryk118@msn.com
Garry