Mums Concern For Gay Daughter
Hello, my name is Nicole and I am happy to find your website.
I was recently told by my daughter that she was gay. I was shocked at first but then when I gave it a lot of thought, it made sense. My husband and I love and support her no matter what and want to be as helpful as possible but sometimes a person is not sure what exactly is the best way to help. She is struggling with it in her personal life cause most of her contacts are straight.
I suggested that she find a support group with kids her age (20) who are going through the same thing. We do not live in a big city but live an hour away from one. She said that since she came out, when she’s around her peers, she feels like the elephant in the room. I know what she means but don’t know exactly how to advise her about dealing with it. I have gay friends (although much older) and was raised around gay people who were friends of my mom’s. Even with that, I still feel a little lost.
I would love an instruction manual to help me, ha ha, so if you can recommend one, I would appreciate it. Also, any advise from your more experienced moms would be great! We just want her to be happy. Thank you.
Hi Nicole, I just found this website today and like you, my daughter recently came out to me about being gay. During our conversation she handed me a PFLAG booklet called Our Sons & Daughters. It was very helpful to me initially. I have always thought of myself as liberal minded and one of my life long friends is gay. My daughter has found it extremely helpful to become involved in a Pride group (which is made up of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, etc. as well as Heterosexual students). Not only is it’s main purpose to educate the public it’s also a social group with wonderful support. She is fortunate to attend a college that is supportive of all students and has made some very good friends through her Pride group. Can your daughter find a support group in the city you wrote about. I realize it is a long drive but it will be well worth it for her to have friends like her. Perhaps if she is so inclined, she could start a Pride group in your area. There are most likely many young people like her in your area, and parents like us too. So many are afraid to come out due to the negative reaction of so many misinformed people. However there are more people offer love and support than there are the negative ones. I think connecting with others is the key, whether in a group setting or online. The more knowledge we share the better it is for everyone. PFLAG has a website where you can search for the nearest support group near you. My daughter has not told her father yet. He is from and older generation and is somewhat homophobic. He loves her so much that I know he will support her when she gets up the nerve to tell him. Hopefully soon so I can share with him all the wonderful information I have found. By the way there is a wonderful book written by Betty Degeneres, Ellen’s mom. My daughter actually surprised me with a copy this weekend. It’s a great book for both mom’s and daughters. I wish you all the best. I know that your daughter and you will be much closer as you undertake this journey.
I am the mother of a gay daughter. I have not been handling this well. Every mother wants her daughter to grow up and being just like her. Well my daughter could not be less like me; dressing mostly like a boy and not caring anything about her appearance. This is killing me and has destroyed out relationship. I am constantly being mean and saying horrible things to her. The thing that I ask her to do is dress descently; she says she would and then never does. I’m actually ashamed of the way she looks when I take her out. I am going to counseling to try and deal with this; but I feel that I have destroyed any hope of reconcillation. I don’t know if I can every accept this whole situation.
I had absolutely no idea my daughter was gay – she was 27 when I found out (by accident – she was very down and had travelled to America and outstayed her time with her now Civil Partner). I can’t express the pain I went through – every day I lived an breathed the few minutes it took for me to ask “do you have a special friend in America who is a female” and her saying “yes, Mum I’m sorry but I feel ashamed and I don’t know how to tell you”. My whole world fell apart – but from a whirlwind of finding out she was gay to her having a Civil Partnership in the USA some months later somehow me and my husband have come through!! My ‘girls’ are now happy and settled in the UK – they are both really gorgeous, attractive girls both nearly 30 and both very fancied by the male sex (they have a giggle about that). I’d really like to keep in touch with others mums who have gay siblings – I have one acquiantance who I see not very often who has a gay daughter and it would be really nice to be in touch with other parents. Della
I can just give you some thoughts from your daughter’s perspective…
It’s a Difficult thing to go through. Many of us have been living with the knowing “i think I am gay” for Many years before we’ve even got the guts to tell someone or to speak about it.
My parents (in their 50’s), brother (26) and sister(28) have not excepted it — they know for almost 3 years now, and they said they will never except it. They will NEVER EVER know how much “loving me but judging ‘being gay’ ” is killing me.
It is not something I can change. No person will choose it if they know there might be persecution. Every person wants to be accepted by people.
My family believes I am straight, because I was married to a guy. And they care more about what other people would think of them than my happiness.
They think if they keep on “loving me”, but make sure I know that they Never ask how my partner is (we’ve been together for almost 3years), and make sure that I know I am welcome in their house AS LONG AS I COME ALONE… that it will make me “change my mind”. They believe God didn’t make me like this and therefore I will go to hell.
Everything they do is just pushing me away from them. I’ve been trying Everything to get close them again (we were a VERY close family), but the hurt they cause every time they deliberately never ask about my partner’s well-being, or become numb when I mention her, is SO bad that it is easier to find other people’s parents and just try and “replace” what I miss in my life.
I guess what I’m trying to say is:
LOVE your gay child. That’s all he/she wants from you. You will understand them much better by loving them and letting them “at home” with you, rather than judging them. If you keep on judging them, you WILL lose them.
I hope this bit of info can help someone.
To the poster “PAM” – are you still reading this forum?
I very much relate to portions of your post and am needing to connect with another mother of a gay daughter, to talk about this subject, share thoughts and frustrations and concerns.
How do you get over the feeling of: “Where did I go wrong?”
Hi, my name is Andrea and I live in Croatia ( That s in Europe). I ve found this site on purpuse. I wanted to see how people look on gay people. I never realased why some people cant accept gay s. I am not gay but I just wanted to say what I think. They are normal people. anyway who says that heterosexuality is normal. Bible?? It s just not rigt how some people treat gay people. They have a rigt to be who they are! They also have feelings and people should pay attention what are thay sayng cause they could heart someone. I ve allways wanted to meet T.R. Knight (an actor who played George O Malley in Greys Anatomy). Especially when Isaiah Washington called him a faggot. Because of that kind of words people suck. And life would be so easier if people could exept each other and love each other for who they are. Cause everyone has a right to love. Love has no limits and has no rules. Love chooses our soul mates. And if two guys or girls love each other in publick that just prooves how stronge and pure and uniqueli love and people who know how to love are. They are on the top of the world and I edmire them. So goodluck to all of you who are gays and lesbians and live a happy life. Cause the ones who heart you are not your real friend. And they are not wourthet of your love and attention. Love ya Theodore Raymond Knight. This is for you. forever!
I was driving when my daughter told me she was gay. In retrospect I am grateful I didn’t wreck the car. I thought we were close and feel utterly lied to. I too do not ask about her partner and have probably said some things. I feel the need ( as a parent and a christian) to reconcile, but I do not know where to begin. We have seen each other 3 times since her coming out 2+ years ago. We mostly do phone and e-mail all very superficial(baseball, weather, school). She is away at college and does all this gay pride stuff I cringe when I hear about it. I feel like a failure as a parent. I was afforded the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and I blew my only job. I found out about things that went on at sleep overs through her friends my space. I feel betrayed and like she thinks of me like some kind of fool. I would pick her up from school and her friends would refer to her as “my little lesbian” and I allowed her to explain it away. Yes I am that stupid.
I try not to let the lack of relationship my daughter and I have affect my relationship with her younger brohers. They still live at home with my husband and I, but I don’t want to draw close to them. I could not take another blow like this.
My parents always treated me horrible they used to make me go sit in the closet telling me to learn and love being IN the closet. All I have to say is if u believe inthe bible on the whole gay Ppl go to bell thing don’t rub it in her face!
hello, this really doesnt have to do with the blog, sorry. I just wanted to say thanks to the people who made and maintain this site. i am 15 years old and am bisexual. i have always been afrade to tell anyone because i thought i was alone and would be ingored and treated badly. going through this site showed me that i am not alone and that there are people out there who are proud to show it and to others. i have been telling my friends and family through out the past year and they have all been happy and proud that i trust them enough to tell them. everythings been fine. Thanks for everything people of pflag. your making an incredible change.
Hello, everyone! Our daughter came out a little over a year ago. At the time, she was under a great deal of stress as she was taking very difficult college courses, was working 35 hours a week and was unable to sleep. She ended up briefly withdrawing from school (but is back now). Her news was not particularly surprising to us, and we are giving her 100% of our support as did most of the extended family. While I’m not upset about her sexual orientation, I’ve been looking for other parents and/or gays to blog with. I was very open with everyone when my daughter shared her news; everyone, with a couple of exceptions, who matters to me knows. Unfortunately, I have one very close friend whose husband is extremely intolerant and does not allow gays into his home. This bothers me very much. One of my siblings also made a comment that still hurts me to this day. I am very proud of everything my daughter has accomplished and only want her to be happy; I’ll support her in any way I can. Thanks for “listening!”
I am looking for a support group for moms of gay sons in or around putnum county,ga. I also am seeking any recommended books for parents of gay sons. My son is in his mid 40’s and has fully come out and i love him but do not approve of this. I need help. He is also wanting us to accept this while he is judging others in the family for things he doesn’t approve of.
Dear Parents,
I AM THE PROUD MOTHER of 2 children, two gay children whom I adore. I support them 100%. I am in the process of designing a website /blog to help parents deal with having gay children and I would love to reach out to the parents who throw their kids on the streets.
First, I am not telling anybody what to do: I am in Los Angeles, and have attented Camp Courage (campcourage.org) twice, and am about to go to my 3rd in Santa Barbara. Only one or two moms come… We need more parents to get involved…
I have never seen so much pain felt by young adults, much older ones, when they tell their “story of self”. Those kids, your kids, are frightened to come out because of the consequences. All the people I have met at those events, when I canvassed in South Central LA, would love to see their parents fight for them.
My heart breaks when I hear that some of those kids were thrown out of their houses, rejected completely by their families. I am not here to judge anybody, but they are our CHILDREN. Your love and support is what they want. It may take years for them to have the courage to face you… I am not better than anybody, but I am proud of my children (son, 22 – daughter 25). The kids I meet tell me to tell my kids that they are so lucky. They all wish they were loved by their parents. They cry, hug me, share their heartbreak.. and I cry with them..
If you are tormented, please read a book I bought when my son came out in 2008: Straight parents, gay children by Robert Bernstein. I hope it helps you. It is wonderful.
Please, please love your children… there are worse things than having a gay child. I would not trade mine for any other kids. It is NOT their choice to be gay, please understand that!
I can’t wait to have my blog. Happy New Year to all, do not freak out. Go and hug your child and tell him/her you love them….
i am a mother of a gay son.
very famous son.only son.
i am going to start a blog with other people whether they are gay or have gay children etc.
my sons in married and we just became grandparents..but there is more to this story than this.
the site i am trying to start is either “hello phyliss” or mamaphyl” not sure yet.if you would like to talk or email, m email is right now
phylisscunningham@mac.com
I am both heartened and dis-heartened by these parents responses. Nancy and Catherine, God Bless you for letting your children be exactly who they are, and embracing them.
Hi Nicole,
Reading your letter,it sounds like me. My 21 year old daughter told us over Christmas break from college that she is gay. I think deep down, I always thought it was possible but having her confirm it was difficult. She is a neat, neat kid and my husband and I are trying to give her all the support we can. I would love to talk to someone who is navigating these difficult waters with any advice on how best to support my child. Her emotions seem a bit all over the map right now and I would love some insight from other mothers who have already been through this.
I couldn’t figure out how to post a new thread. I have a 13 year old daughter who has labeled herself as bisexual and is having a relationship with another 13 year old girl. How do I start a new thread? I’m really lost and confused and I don’t know what to say or do…. I’ve been aimlessly searching the internet for some help all day.
Mary, we could be friends. My 13 year old daughter loves boys, but she also loves girls. I’ve come to terms with the fact that she sees boys and girls in the same light, sexually and romantically.
She has dated both.
If you want to contact me, I’d love to talk to you.
You can find me at mtlarue@yahoo.com
I’m not worried, by the way. She’s wonderful and I think her differences define her. She’s totally neat.
hello my name is cheryl, and i have a son who is 20 and i knew he was gay since 12 and we dont have a relationship at all because you were not made this way and i want nothing to do with him, and now my 16 year old son is lookjing on the gay site trying to figure things out and now i have disowned him to. i will not accept children like this because you expect your children to grow up go to college get married and have children and they wont and for some reason they decided to one day it’s not fair for that woman and that they will be bring into the world. help me to understand to to one day care for my son, because as of this point i dont care if he live or die, if he died i think i will be happy cause i wont have to deal with the gay life anymore, it’s sad to say but thats how i feel. plkease help me to understand.
Dear Los Angeles teen therapist
I am glad you are there for our kids, but dont presume to understand the pain we parents are going through
This is really a great resource, I’m so happy that it’s here for parents of gay children, I know it’s tough on all parents but the outcome of acceptance an being an incredible thing. Thanks.
Last night via text messaging my 17 yr old son came out to me that he was gay (he could not do it in person). I did not see this one coming and I am really having a hard time dealing with this. I love my son to death and that will never change. I feel the need to protect him as I have seen in the news how gay children (especially in HS) can be treated. His coming out has been emotionally hard for me. I spent last night tears and I will even admit I was physically ill. I am as of now the only one who knows and its really torn me up inside. My husband will not be accepting and since my marriage is not the best now I know this will be the end of it. My family is very religious and from past discussions they feel that gays can be cured, I however have never felt this. I am educated enough to know this is not a choice that they make. I have 3 children and he is my oldest. I don’t think my youngest will have a problem with my oldest being gay except for the shock but I know my middle one will. My middle child is very much like his father. I love my oldest and like I said I will NEVER turn my back on him but I am just not dealing with this well. I accept him for being gay but I know this will cause the end of my marriage and a split of my family. I’m sorry if I am rambling but I just needed to talk and right now I feel that I have no one. Please if anyone has any advise.
A heart broken mom
My son told me he was gay shortly after his 17th birthday. While I suspected he was having trouble with something, I never thought it was regarding his sexual identity. My son has been “the ladies man” for many years, with lots of young ladies on his arm. For years he told me he wanted to save his virginity for that special person,and surprise it was a guy. I know he felt a huge sense of relief since coming out, but since then it has been nothing but downhill between us. At first I was shocked, devastated,& deeply hurt that he hid it from me while he was secretly acting out.Then I came to understand that he was trying to come to terms with it himself before he could tell me. The one thing I have noticed is that unless you are a parent, or family member of a gay or lesbian child, forget people who aren’t, to understand or relate to you. They can’t identify with how you, or your child feels and more often than not say stupid, uncaring, flippant things that only make matters worse. I spent a few weeks getting over my own ego about how my son’s life should be and then I jumped in to support him whole heartedly. Then his boyfriend got between us, the young man has had 4 years of rejection from his family and is not very healthy as a result. I tried my hardest to let him know i was there for him as well, but over the months he has done nothing but bring drama and chaos into my life. I hooked up with my local PFLAG chapter to find support and understanding for myself and to stay strong and focused for the two of them. Two weeks ago my son ran away and moved in with the boyfriend. Both of them have cut off all contact from me. This is one of the hardest journeys I have been on. He has gone from being a sensitive, kind, decent, compassionate fellow, with only 2 months left before graduation, to a verbally abusive, inconsiderate, school skipping, screw University,I’ll do what I want, putting down his straight friends, little jerk, who does not want my love,support, or understanding. I personally can’t figure it out, why would he choose this path. There are many hurting young gay and lesbian youth who would love to have the support and love from their parents and yet my beautiful son whom I love deeply has chosen to reject me. Perhaps this is a “phase” and he will need time to learn more about himself and his new lifestyle, but as a parent I have to realize this is not about me….but rather his own immaturity, rebellion and self righteous attitude(and hormones) taking him for a ride. Will I give up on my son? NEVER!!!! I will wait for the day when we can again come together in love, respect, and acceptance of each other. Until that time comes I will work on myself, be there for other parents in my situation and learn what I can about this new chapter in my life. Please ALL…. hang in there…YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE….We just need to stay connected.
Pamelou that is so sad as you can accept your son, we cannot accept our daughter and don’t think we ever will. We have a really strange relationship now, she is so stroppy and to be honest every day the gap seems to widen between us; I feel I have absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with her any longer, she speaks to us like we are retards and the only consolation of all this is that I am now so hardened to her that I actually prefer it when she is out of the house and will be glad when she leaves home. I used to cry all the time about the situation but now wish to god i never had had her, she is so difficult and judgemental that I know her father and I are to become parents that don’t really see their children or have anything in common with them any longer. She has just changed so much it is unbelieveable, I am just glad we had another daughter. Why do they become so strange, she talks utter rubbish half the time!! her sisters friends think her strange too so it is not use us! One minute she is moving out, the next she is staying here at home, she flits between girls, even her heterosexual friends can’t believe what going on as it changes all the time. I can really understand now how people can just vanish and disappear as my husband and I feel that we could too now! I honestly feel I would be happier if I never saw her again! i do not want to meet any of the girls she meets and could have not believed that my life would turn out like this – what a bloody waste of time having kids was. My poor husband has aged 15 years, he is a good kind man and we didn’t deserve this, I never even particuarly wanted grandchildren and now after all this definitely don’t, our own daughter has been enough bloody hassle, certainly don’t want to repeat all this.
I’m confused! I found out my beautiful 19 year daughter had a girlfriend(very controlling girl) in September. Well…her friend broke up with her back in February and now she tell everyone about the boys she is talking to. She even points guys out and says “he’s hot”. I can’t help but wonder if she is doing that for my sake and just making up stories about boys thinking it will make me happy. Don’t shoot me! i don’t want her to date girls but I have told her it’s life and if that’s what she wants, it’s her decision and we will love her no matter what.
All her friends and family said she going through a phaze and everyone was as shocked as me when they found out she had a girlfriend. Now they believe she is straight again. I’m not so sure.
How do you know for sure if someone is “gay”?
Good Question How do you know if someone is Gay? My now 19 year old daughter told me during her Christmas break from college during her freshman year. Her first girlfriend was very overbearing and jealous. I am still trying to accept this whole gay thing do you just decide during college that you are gay…. if you are not sure does being in a relationship with a long time lesbian change you kinda like being around someone who smokes when you don’t then you start cause they are doing it and then it gets you hooked…..so many questions my daughter and I still have a fairly open relationship even though at times I still want to crawl in a hole or commit suicide. I realize that the last statement makes it (all about me) so am I a bad mom for feeling that way….. am I bad for hoping and praying for both my acceptance and or her changing…..we were so close and this happened when the empty nest was setting in for me. I have tried to look at her relationship like I would if it was a man the most recent (friend) has no job no car no place of her own, and no plans for the future. My child has decided to move in with her until she goes to college this fall I told her that I would not allow her to spend the night with a boyfriend while she was living with me and I would not let her spend the night with a girlfriend either she will be 21 in Sept I could take away the car and force her to stay here but I don’t see that solving anything. She thinks I am being mean because she is seeing a girl but I think she is just trying to make me feel bad. anyway it has been good for me to read the comments on this site I have never done this before but my Dr. recommended it because I was having some health issues that are stress related I do feel somewhat better and I am going to try very hard to Love and accept her for the beautiful child she is and will be and try to keep the (ME ME ME) out of the picture