Hard To Accept
Hello my name is Sherry and I have a 19 year old son who just informed me that he was gay/bisexual I really don’t know which one he is because he doesn’t know either. But in any case he’s one of them. I am having a hard time excepting this because I’ve raised both of my boys alone without any help from the father. I’m starting to resent my youngest son because this was now the way it was to turn out..
I feel this was my thanks for struggling to put them both through school and now college and now hey mom I forgot to tell you that I’m bisexual. I resent him because I thought my work was done and I could have my life back and start living. But now I have another obstacle in my way.I am really struggling with this because I’m embarrassed, I’m disgusted and I can’t come to grips with it.
I’m being forced to except his life style. He has moved out and living with friends because I won’t let him bring his friends around me. I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to live and do what he wants with his life and I’m being forced to not live mine. How can I come to grips with this without resenting him for putting me through this.
Thank you
Sherry
I am a 17 year old gay boy. And I can’t tell my father, nor my mother. You know why? Because it would disappoint them. They might be suspecting me of gayness, but as long as I don’t confirm that I am indeed gay, I know they’ll be happy, and that’s what I want them to stay– happy.
BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?
I am unhappy. I am not free. I am forced to live in the expectations of the society. I have sacrificed my personal intentions just so my parents would not be depressed.
Your son did otherwise, and I kinda envy him. I am not saying he doesn’t love you like I love my parents– BUT WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE HIM FEEL THE SAME PAIN AS I FEEL? IMPRISONED LIKE ME? I wish you could just be happy for him.
Every gay person had a stage of denial. Which means he was gay, even before you both realized he was. It doesn’t matter whether he tells you– HE IS GAY NO MATTER WHAT. And the fact that he told you means he appreciate you. You raised him, that’s why he thought it is important that you know. And don’t worry, it is normal to worry for your son’s life straight or not.
remember: I AM 17. I wish you more happiness, contentment, acceptance, open mindedness, unconditional love, and may god bless you more. ciao.
I was touched by what you wrote. My 20-year old son came out to us a few days ago. I have contacted PFLAG to learn how I can support my son. I love him and always will.
I need to talk to people who are gay or who are parents of gays.
Do you want to be my friend.
Maybe we can help one another?
Janet
hi Sherry. imagine how difficult it was for your son to come out to you. and the kind of thought and agony he put into it. coming out to people is NOT an easy thing…especially when it’s family. when my brother came out to me…he wouldn’t even say the word gay. there was someone he used to work with that i knew as well and he’s gay. so when my brother was trying to hint around it…his being gay…i asked him if it was similar to what his friend from work was and he said yea. and i was the first person he had come out to and i felt privileged enough to have been the first person he could come to and tell…even if it was in his own round about way. and i would never even think of rejecting him or thinking of him as a failure…or the way our parents may have raised us.
it took a lot of guts for your son to come to you and you can’t just condemn him for being who he is. his being bisexual or gay is in no way a reflection of bad parenting on you. and it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that he didn’t have a father around…if that’s what you were thinking. my brother has had our father in his life everyday for as long as he’s been alive…and he’s still gay.
something that i think would be helpful to both you AND your son is if you both sit down and RATIONALLY discuss the feelings both of you have…and ask him questions. but not things like why. more like how long have you known or what did it take for you to come and tell me, how long had you been thinking about telling me…things like that. but don’t antagonize him…that might make him feel threatened. and if you really feel that threatened by his friends being in your home…instead of not allowing them over at all…maybe set some ground rules until u feel comfortable with the person…or until you feel comfortable accepting who and what your son is. maybe a few times a month ask your son to invite one of his friends over for dinner…and try to make an effort to get to know them. don’t make your son feel like you don’t love him…as i’m positive you love him very much. but he may not feel like you don’t right now…and this is a time when he needs you to love him more than ever.
HI SHERRY, I CAN TELL YOU AS I SIT HERE TODAY, WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. ME TO THE MOTHER WHO HAS STRUGGLED BRINGIN HER CHILDREN UP MOSTLY ON HER OWN, TO FIND OUT MY SON IS GAY.. HE IS A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MAN OF 24 AND I HAVE KNOWN THIS FOR ABOUT 5 YEARS NOW.. I TO CRIED AND CRIED AND ASKD WHY ME… I WILL HAVE NO GRANDCHILDREN OF MY OWN FROM HIM AND ALL THE SELFISH THOUGHTS THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD… I HAVE NOW GOT PAST ALL THAT AND AS LONG AS HES HAPPY THATS MY MAIN CONCERN.. NOW MY NEWEST HEARTBREAK IS MY DAUGHTER WHO CELEBRATED HER 19TH BDAY LAST NIGHT, HAS TOLD ME SHE IS GAY.. SO NOW IM BACK AT THAT MOMENT AGAIN… SO DEVASTED AGAIN, BUT REALLY FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND I WILL SEE AGAIN WEN THE HEALING STARTS.. I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU
Hello Shelli my name is Isabel I to can’t stop crying my 1 & only son just came out and told that he is gay I understand how your feeling I need a friend would you be intered in beening my friend .
I feel very loney like if the world just feel on top of me & I can’t say nothing to my husband family members nor my friends my son has asked to keep it between me & him only. And when the people around ask me what is wrong I try to be strong & look away so they don’t see the pain I have inside of me I feel as if I was crawling out of my skin.
thank you
Isabel
Hello parents, my daughter came out a few years ago. She is 24 now. The most comforting thing for me has been talking to her and asking her honest, heartfelt questions. She has shared so much of herself with me and I am very grateful. This has also helped me understand and love her more. I have recently started a discussion group for parents of GLBT(Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender) children, to provide parents with an opportunity to empower each other on how to love their children so they can feel accepted, respected and understood. This will also help parents come together and support one another. Please contact me (Maria)for more information at saccom@zid.com.
Isabel – do you know of any way that parents who can’t accept the fact that their son or daughter is gay can connect by email?
Does anyone know of a website for these parents?
I am tired of parents being blamed just because they are unhappy and disappointed with the lifestyle their kids are leading. These parents have every right to be sad or angry or upset and should not be condemned for that. Everyone says you MUST accept the gay sons and daughters – well what about the parents? THEY have rights too!
Isabel, I hear you so loud and clear it isn’t funny. My son came out with his news on Nov. 11th/09…Lest I forget…and since that time Ive heard nothing but “GET OVER IT” or LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY or “WHATS THE BIG DEAL”,from other parents and friends? but NOTHING and I mean NOTHING about how I might be doing, or what I might be feeling. Since my son told me he has a self centered attitude and is very disrespectful in his actions towards me.This is a life long journey for sure and I know it took a long time for my son to come to terms with it himself….so why I ask as a person, a parent,do I have to deny my feelings immediately. Also any parent who is not going thru the same experience is not going to identify with me…Why?…because its not THEIR child, whew for them eh!
Dear Mothers,
I’m gay. I’m 21 and I live with parents who are disgusted by me, just like some of you…
I wrote my father, a 3 page letter, his response was to ignore me, until finally he got SO mad that he called me ’sick’.
I leave him alone, and the ever present gap between us grows larger, and larger.
There is NOTHING, that should get in the way of your relationship with your sons, your daughters… They LOVE you, do you even know how MUCH they love you?
I’m begging you… LITERALLY BEGGING you at this moment, put aside what your fear, and your anger, and your doubts and just find your child and hug them… ‘love’ them, accept later, understand later, but don’t let ANYTHING come between you.
And please, be CAREFUL what you say, your child has put himself/herself, out there, lashing out, can destroy them, damage them in ways that you can’t imagine.
You are SO important, SO much more than you can possibly imagine to your child. There’s nothing I want more than to just ‘connect emotionally’ with my father right now, and I can’t even speak to him for fear of being lashed out at.
Everything you’re going through, your child has either gone through, or is going through and has gone through so much more.
Do your best, but please… At least try to mend things peacefully.
- A Son Misunderstood.
I would like to talk with other parents that are handling their child coming out. Last night, my 16 year old son, only child, shared with me that he is gay/bi-sexual. I want to support him, and have supported him to the best of my ability, however, my emotions are all over the board.
On the one hand, I don’t want him to feel isolated and alone. I want him to know that I love him no matter what lifestyle he chooses.
On the other hand, I stared blaming myself and asking myself if I was a good mother..and all the other selfish thoughts, like embarassment or disappointment of no chance of having grandchildren. All of which my intellect tells me is untrue, my emtions tell me otherwise.
I know other parents are out there feeling the very same way. Conflicted.
I would like to speak in confidence to someone who has gone through this same experience. My email is c7g9@hotmail.com.
Sincerely,
c’nicole
I am 23 (soon to be 24 in a couple weeks), and as of 10/2/09, my mother (who has known I’m gay for 3 years) and my grandparents (whom I live with because my mother and I don’t get along) both know that I’m gay. Things have never been the same. My grandparents are OK for the most part, but they do believe all the negative gay stereotypes. My grandmother even said I probably should’ve just joined the military and not have gone to college and I probably shouldn’t live here anymore. After packing a suitcase, my grandfather put his foot down and I’m still here. My grandmother then tried saying “I didn’t mean it like that.” but never apologized. She instantly took my mother’s side. Even though that’s their daughter, everyone knows how irresponsible my mom has been (mentally, financially, etc) most of her adult life, and seeing as how my grandparents stepped in to raise me, that really hurt.
As for my mother, it’s been hell dealing with her, so I don’t anymore. Mainly because she CHOSE to disown me, yet would still constantly harass me, so I filed an temp order of protection against her. I admit that was premature on my part but I had to take control of things. I have sense dropped the order, and just keep my distance. She’s been trying to buy me gifts, bu my affection and her control as she has all my life, but it’s not working now. I don’t talk to her, and when she tries to talk to me, it’s obvious I’m annoyed, and I can’t look at her because I’m so disgusted with her actions and behavior.
This may sound harsh, but she’s the one who said she was done with me, said I’d never be successful because I’m gay, and that I’ll probably end up dead and on drugs. I don’t want to deal with anyone who speaks so negatively about me and makes me feel bad about myself, and has for years. It’s been hard to deal with, but I’m working diligently to move out on my own as soon as possible. I feel then I will be appreciated once I’m gone.
Parents who are considering disowning their children, something I will say, that is the most ultimate betrayal, worst than any breakup. You think you are helping things by disowning your children, but it causes more harm. One day you may need them, and they will not be there…
I am the mother of four children. My youngest (age 20) is gay. He came out to us 4 years ago today. I remember that day like it was yesterday and those feelings of “What have I done to deserve this?”. I immediately went to the internet to search for information. We belong to a very conservative religious organization, which made coming to terms with this issue, even more difficult. I suffered from all of those same feelings that you all have mentioned and fretted over what this information was going to mean to my son’s future, and the future of our family. I think the most important thing I did right away was tell my son that I loved him and nothing would ever change that.
I think that a turning point for both my husband and I came when we began to understand that being gay is not about sex. It’s about who you connect with on an emotional level. My husband had an experience where he had a particularly bad day and as soon as he was able, he raced to the phone to share his problems with me. He was very emotional and grateful that he had someone who he felt safe with, to share that much emotion with. After he had thought about it for a bit, he said, “I realize that everyone deserves to have that someone in their lives who they feel safe with, and I want my gay son to have that as much as I want my straight children to have it with someone.” Ever since that day we have been gay rights activists and strong supporters of gay marriage. We want our gay son to find someone to love and have a family with. This will provide stability to his life and contribute to his overall happiness.
For those who are worried about never having grandchildren…..many gay couples have children, using a gestational carrier and an egg donor. Many also adopt. There are many opportunities for you to become grandmothers.
I’m happy to talk to any of you who might need a listening ear. My e-mail address is alanna.farnsworth@comcast.net
Hugs!
Dear Sherry,
Why can’t you live your life? I know it is a shock when our child is honest, and it doesn’t fit in with our ideas for them. Parents and friends of gay and lesbians (PFLAG) has information to help you through the shock. Your son needs to feel he is loved, and your bitterness towards him can bring you both into separation or depression. I believe it is most important that your son is a good, honest, and loving person.It seems to me, you raised him well. A friend once told me, “You raise your kids to be independent, and what do they do, they go and become independent!”
Catie
Hi! I have been reading all comments here ..of parents and kids…. I am 52 ….I am a widow..raised my sons by myself.. …my wonderful 21 year old son came to me and told me he had a relationship with another young man … I was in shock! but I did not demostrated it right away …We were able to talk about it…. I remained calm and assure him that no matter what ..he is my son and I love him dearly ….BUT that night I was crying all night and had a hard time understanding…why?… I never suspected while he was at our home ! …Then my oldest son told me he knew about it! and he was ok with it! …Now I even have images of my son and the other person and I get disgusted but I am trying not to think about it and also looking for a support group and some counseling. My two sons are good citizens and my youngest is in the military! (I adviced him discretion until he gets out because the military do not support his sexual choices ) so… I came to this site and already help me see that I am not alone …I will never put my son away of my life…never! but I will need help to come to an understanding of this… It is hard … my church …my family and friends..what they will say?…When I am in agroup of friends and they joke about homosexuals..my heart sink…My son is great! and I only wish his happiness…Those that beleive in God pray for me….and those that do not..send me your positive vibes…lol…I need all the help I can get!
Blessings to all!
Sherry:
My 16 year old son came out in early October. I was devestated and physically ill. I could not eat for 5 days. He and I were very close before and are still close today. I know that this is not a choice and I know that his life will not be easy. He doesn’t know that I still cry every day. I love him so much and will do whatever it takes to support him emotionally. My family, including my husband and my older son have been great. I wish that I could get over the disappointment. I am feeling very selfish and guilty for still feeling sad. My goal for 2010 is to let go and get over it because he is who he is and I am not going to change him. I do not want to lose him. I need to change myself!
Good luck,
Lisa
My name is Sue and my 23 year old son just told us he is gay. I can’t tell you how devastated his dad and I are. We worked hard for all three of our children to educate them. As parents we tried so hard to be supportive in every way. We lived for our children. I understand that my son didn’t choose to feel this way but what I don’t understand is why he doesn’t seek help. I am a nurse. I also worked in a HIV clinic. I am trained in counseling and educating people about HIV. I know that gay men are at very high risk for HIV. I also know that the young gay men in their 20’s right now are showing a 15 percent increase in HIV. Anal sex is not healthy and how could any knowledgable parent move on after getting news like this. Anal sex increases your chances for other diseases also. As a nurse I know of gay men who contracted myocarditis and endocarditis and have died. The problem is that the anus and rectum are part of the digestive system and not meant for sexual purposes, they are meant for absorbtion. The walls of these organs are very thin, with many many bloodvessels. The blood vessels are there to carry what ever is there away into the circulatory system (such as the heart, hence the myocarditis, endocarditis and any virus or bacteria). If I were a gay man I would rather be celibate than to engage in anal sex with another man. The fact is that most gay relationships don’t last long and that even if they think they are in a committed relationship they usually are not. One of the men is usually having sex with someone else. I feel it is like playing russian roulette with life. Why is our society so sick that we can’t even get the real truth out to these young men. The gay activists cover the truth. The government, medical and psychiatric segments of our society are afraid to tell these young men the truth. They know it is political and have been hushed. The colleges encourage it and promote it. I just want my son to know the truth about the health issue. He doesn’t believe me because he thinks I am his mom and I am just trying to keep him straight. I would love to have another parent to talk to about this. I am not interested in hearing from other gay men like my son who are ignorant in regards to the health issues at stake here or they just don’t want to believe it, so they can continue to engage in it. I think if society were to address the serious health issues without trying to be so politically correct we would see a decrease in homosexuality or at least they would protect themselves better. Most of the young ones don’t use protection at all. Parents who are so accepting of this either do not care or do not understand the health issues. We need people to realise the cost to our healthcare system for something that is preventable by just not doing it. I believe we would see a decrease in this behavior if these men really knew and were being told everywhere such as by their doctors, colleges, psychiatrists and society in general. Why do we allow a minority of people(gay activists) to have such a devastating impact on our sons. I would love to start my own organization called “The truth about anal sex”. I hope someone will talk to me. I feel very alone and have no one except my husband to talk to.I have also been selfishly feeling embarassed and humiliated. I don’t want to see anyone. I find myself looking at other young men with their wives and kids and feeling so sad for my son. I think if our world would quit pandering to these poor lost men and try to figure out how to help them mentally we would be much better off. At least homosexuality would not be on the rise and even considered cool. Come on. It is not biological, all research indicates this is mental. Probably due to many differenct scenarios such as perhaps parenting but also and maybe even more so, how you were treated by your peers. Women also are guilty of pegging a man as gay because he is creative, well spoken, doesn’t play sports etc… My son had female friends who helped him see that he was gay but I remember when he was a little boy and told me so proudly that when he turned 16 he was going to have a girlfriend. I remember when he was 17 and he was dating a girl that he was head over heals with. Unfortunately I also remember him being made fun of and called names because he played the piano and loved to sing. I pray to God everyday for him to help my son. I am almost to the point where I feel there must not be a God because why would he let this happen to my son who is a good person. Sue
Hi Sue
Whilst you are someone who knows a lot about HIV and AIDES I don’t believe you know too much about
homosexuality or sexuality itself nor what being gay is all about. Being a gay man is more than having anal sex. Straight people fall in love with the opposite sex without even thinking about what they will be doing in bed and this is the case with gay men. Sure we all know men are higher sexed than women but being gay is about being attracted to the same sex in many ways not just sex.
Just as straight couples, sex can be varied. Some straight people have anal sex and some gay couples do not.
There are many ways to please your partner and this should be a private and personal thing to each couple.
As far as gay couples not sticking together I think if you look at stats not only many gay couples break up but so do many straight couples so what is your point. I think that you are so focused on the medical side (which is very important) that you are not seeing clearly.
Your son needs your support right now and all you are doing is handing him over all these negatives and you are pushing him away. Of course you need to tell him your concerns and what you know about HIV but you should not be making it the only point of view.
As a parent of course you need to explain safety when it comes to sex whether you have a son, daughter, gay or straight. Surely you must know that straight people face the same dangers with many sexually transmitted diseases including HIV.
But you make a major issue with these. You may say that it is anal sex that is the problem but who knows what anyone does in their bedrooms? Your kids, male or female are not going to tell you.
Instead of just focusing on the physical side of your sons sexual orientation, start looking at his emotional side and talk to him as a parent and not just a professional.
mdc24, Thank you for responding to my concerns. I understand what you are saying but the stats are not in favor of homosexual men. Yes you are right in regards to anal sex and faithfullness, but I was speaking more in terms of how likely these things are to occur in the homosexual segment of our population verses heterosexual. I believe that anal sex would be more common amongst homosexual men than heterosexual couples but you do give me some hope. No we don’t know what people, heterosexual or homosexual, are doing in their bedrooms, but I believe people should be informed of the risks and why these activities are risky. I believe that many young people are not aware and certainly are not aware of the biological processes and outcomes. You do give me hope though that perhaps by some chance (and I would venture to say it is ever so small) my son’s relationship is not one that involves anal sex. Are you saying that even though this is a life or death issue, as I believe it could be, that it is better not to inform him of the negatives. I would not be able to live with myself as a mother or a nurse if I didn’t arm him with the truth. I am sorry that homosexual people statistically do face a greater risk of hiv and many other std’s. I have told my son that no matter what we love him. I have also sent him all the information that I can to help inform him of the risk he might be taking with his life. I don’t believe this is something that my son chooses or feels is voluntary. I do hope that research into what causes homosexuality is continuing. I doubt that there is much money being funneled in that direction. I know that my son has suffered a lot in dealing with this as he is aware that it is not the norm. If as you say I am pushing him away and I believe you may be right then I am sorry that has to happen. I am first and foremost a mother and the instinct of a good mother is to protect her children. That instinct is as natural as some believe homosexuality is and it too is beyond my control. I would give my life to protect my children. You make the comment that like heterosexual couples, gay couples don’t think about what they will be doing in bed. I am sure you are correct but once they get there(in bed) they had better think about what they are doing if they value their life. I am doing my best to try to let my son know that we have not turned our backs on him and to also make sure he knows that he could make choices that will shorten his life. Homosexual activists always say this is not a choice and I say “OK it is not a choice. Then why not research homosexuality and offer treatment to those who feel tormented by it.” Iam very serious about starting an educational campaign about the dangers of anal sex for anyone not just homosexuals. Thank you for responding to my plea for help. I do recognize that my husband and I are very depressed and I pray that we are able to someday feel better. I think people don’t realize how devastating and lonely it is for the parents. In our case we feel that our hopes and dreams for our son have just been shattered. The dreams of our son meeting the right girl, marrying and having the “traditional family” life are gone. My husband just says ” there is always hope that he will change.” You are right we don’t understand and neither does our son I am sure. I really do appreciate your trying to help me. I will try as you have suggested to focus as much attention to his emotional side as I am to the physical side. I do think that he is emotionally in better shape than his parents are at this time.
Does anyone know of a site that is for parents who are having a tough time dealing with this. This site doesn’t seem to be very helpful. I think this site is more for the person who is gay. If anyone knows of a site that is more specifically for parents let me know.
Hi, i read your note and it broke my heart, i found out my son was gay when he was 15, i blame myself as i have always had a fear of having a gay brother or son from the age of 16. his now 24 and a very handsome young man. i still can’t accept it. Long story regarding my life..alot of tragedys which i felt brought all this on. I now can’t wait for the day i die so i can be in peace. I hope you can get through this , cos it is a shattering thing to find out.
To the mother of the son who was 15 when she found out, I feel your pain as I feel the same way. My husband and I love our son more than anything. We don’t want anything to happen to him. We could never stop loving him. With that said I can’t explain why I can’t be around him or accept him. I guess if unconditional love means I have to watch someone that I love so much take such great risk with his life, then no I can’t love unconditionally. I often think to myself that someday I wont have to feel this pain anymore, and like you I feel I will be at peace. I use to love life so much. My husband and I tried so hard to be the best parents. I tried to make sure I did everything right for my kids. I now realize that I am a failure as a mother. Being a good mother was my whole purpose in life. My son just shattered all of our dreams. If accepting this is what it takes now for me to be a good mother then I am sorry as I am no more able to accept this than the gay people are able to be straight. I can pray and will it away all I want but it just isn’t going to change these feelings.
Are you able to be around your son because I just don’t see how I can be a part of his life now. I am even having a difficult time being around his brother and sister or any family members or friends. I just want to run and hide somewhere. I have lost interest in all the things that use to make me feel good. I don’t want to talk to people at all. I feel sad for my husband because he is very depressed also but he tries to hang on to the hope that somehow this will change and our son won’t be gay anymore. He tries to convince me of that. He says he can’t deal with it any other way. He tries to call him to see if he can get him to change. Our son just tells his dad that he can’t talk unless he needs some money. I know we are grieving the loss of our son that we thought we raised.
Our son seems very self-centered now. Very much into himself. He also sometimes seems extremely immature and childlike especially with his friends. He seems to just not have much of a conscience about any of this. He doesn’t talk to us unless he needs money. I guess i just don’t understand because I would rather be celibate than hurt my family like this. If I were gay and felt I had no choice then I would have to be independent of my parents and not ask them to help me financially, that is what I mean about the imaturity. Expect others to fund your life. I think sometimes it would just be best if we didn’t see him or talk to him. I can’t help but notice these things about him now.
Sometimes out of the clear blue a wave of reality comes over me and my heart starts beating so fast, the horror of all this sweeps over me. I know it is a panic attack. I don’t know if he has a partner and I don’t want to know. My biggest concern is the health issues involved with this kind of life. That is the hardest part as I feel he is gambling with his life. I try to understand that they say this is not a choice but why would a young man not want to try to get help of some sort.
My son is involved in music and now lives in a big city away from home. I thought he went there to pursue his career but I think he went there to seek this life. You have to excuse me because I go through periods of anger and sadness. Do these feelings ever go away? I read things on these websites and they all say this is not a choice. Well I am not choosing to feel the way I feel either. I don’t choose to be scared, sad and depressed. I don’t choose to feel like a failure but I do. I guess it sounds like you have delt with this for 8 years and you still feel the same. I thank you for writing as it sure means a lot to me. This hurts me worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. Maybe we can somehow help each other. I wish I could be oblivious to all the health issues like a lot the other parents that I have read about on the internet. I worked in a HIV clinic and did counseling. I know the truth. Does your son live close to you? I am here if you need to talk but I also understand if you arent able to. God help us. Sue
I feel your pain and I am sorry you have to feel that way… yes it’s the WORST feeling I’ve ever experienced too! It is very very hard and your heart will continue to break, but remember he is still your son. I too have had bad feelings like not wanting to be around my daughter at times, but it goes away. Be honest with your children about your feelings, but don’t be hurtful. My daughter knows how her dad and I feel. We don’t stop her from seeing her “friend”, but she’s not allowed to do it at our home. She is who she is whether we like it or not. JUST PRAY! I will pray for you and your son and everyone else going through this!
**If anyone finds another website for parents who can say how they feel, please post.
Dear Sherry,
I’m 13 years old and bisexual and I am not a Christian. If I tell my dad he would disown me right away. It’s people who disown their kids because of their sexuality or religion the disgust me. If my dad knew he would make me live with my horrible mom. My mom doesn’t love me and told me this after the divorce. Her exact words were “I don’t love you, I’m just fighting for you in the custody battle so I have someone to clean the house so no one else has to.” Well at least she cares enuf 2 respect my religion and sexuality. And how come you are bisexual and you say it grosses you out that your son is bisexual/gay? it makes you sound like a hipocrit. I hope you understand IT’S NOT A CHOICE. I didn’t chose to be bisexual.
hope you understand sincerely,
a girl who has no accepting,supportive family
My emotions are all over the place. I do want to support my ONLY son with this, but it is SOOOO difficult. I simply can not come to terms with it or accept it! I have personal and religious beliefs about it and yes, selfish reasons also! Oh, he is 18 years of age.
The CRAZY thing is, I SERIOUSLY have gay friends! That does not bother me, as long as its NOT IN MY HOUSE!..Does that make any sense? It is so crazy, because how is it I can accept my gay friends lifestyle, but not my own son. I said some VERY hurtful things to my son last night (2.19.10). Some of the things I said to hime still hold true; such as I am ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted by him! On the other hand, he is the most caring, responsible and sweet person I know! I tried to justify it and say he could be worthless, giving me headaches, a molester, rapist, drug addict or have sexual addictions to porn or something. All of them are just as bad to me!
Funny thing is, I KNOW my family and friends would accept it…but, again..its not in their homes!
What am I to do? I am pregnant now with a son (7 months) and what if being gay is in the genes or something? Why is it that people say they do not choose to be this way? If this is the case, how come more “liberal” (and yes I am liberal) societies who accept it, appear to have more gay children? Why does it seem like Christians have more gay children than perhaps the Muslim religions? Why is it that countries that practice religions other than Christianity, appear to have a significantly amount of less gay men? So, how is it not a choice? If it was NOT a choice, one would expect that the stricter societies would have the same amount of gay people in them.
Also, my son informed me that he was molested at day camp when he was around 6 years of age by a teenager in the bathroom. Can you believe I actually REMEMBER this! Meaning, I recall picking him up and something was weird, not right. He acted strange that day!! I use to talk to him so much and tell him to tell me if anyone ever touches him. He never did until around 6th-7th grade when I say a gay porn site he had looked at over the Internet. Then, I found other things, as he became older..to disgusting for me to speak of.
Even if I “accept” his lifestyle, I DO NOT want it around me..in my home! I honestly find it disgusting to my soul! I have thought about “strange” sexual acts I committed with men and think maybe I have been cursed. When I was 18 years old, I layed down with a woman once and HATED it! I think maybe that sin is catching up to me! I do believe you reap what you sow!
So, I also wonder, if he had not been molested, would he be gay? And, like a rape victim…who no longer trusts men, can she be changed to trust men again? My son adamantly states that he does not recall liking boys until this incident occurred. He states this was his first experience and after that, he was confused. He states like I can look at a man and find him arousing, but then I can look at a woman and say she is attractive, but it does nothing for me, this is how he looks at men and women. He finds the man arousing and nothing much for the woman. He did state he has been with girls before though.
I do not care what society says, being gay is wrong! I will never EVER accept it.
I am just so disgusted and disappointed. Thank you so much for listening.
Hello to everyone out there….My son just came out last night 2/24/10 at the age of 21. Needless to say i am hurt, but more for him. I know the world is cruel, relentless in hurting those that are different and unforgiving. I have mixed feelings—the only feeling i can say is untouched is my love for him— which is forever going to be the same. I don’t understand and am reachimng out to you for help. I also have another son that is a year and a half old with a man that i am going to marry this year—- HE is a homophobe. I cant tell him about my son because he will want him to leave the house and i feel i need my son close to me so that i can support him on this long journey. How can i help him if he cant be totally free? Hedoesnt want my mon, his grandmother to know for fear of utter rejection, though she sees him as PERFECT. I think this perfection she sees in him has him at a hangedman position with her. There is also my sister who is supportive, although very hurt for him as well. I want his happiness, but are there really any happy Gay relationships? I guess its like any other relationship— a hit or miss? I am so confused, i cant imagine what my son deals with. I want to be able to give him all i can. To me he is my son and a great young man with a lot to offer—-i want him to make the most of his life—i dont want him to be hurt by anyone—i am commited to being his rock in strength whenever he needs me. But i need help too. please, if you have any advice please email me at xkyxun@yahoo.com it would be greatly appreciated. FOR THOSE PARENTS OUT THERE UNABLE TO DEAL WITH IT, REMEMBER THIS— HE/SHE IS STILL THAT BABY YOU LOVED AND NURTURED IN YOUR WOMB. REMEMBER THEJOY OF SEEING HIS/HER FACE FOR THE FIRST TIME. REMEMBER THE HURT YO FELT WHEN THEY HURT….WELL, HE/SHE MAY BE HURTING RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE THE CLOSEST THING TO THEM. KEEP THEM CLOSE—LOVE THEM HARD—NEVER TURN THEM OUT—THAT WOULD BE THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL. LOVE LOVE AND MORE LOVE TO ALL.
To all the parents who have left comments on this blog about how you can not accept your children as gay you should be ashamed of yourselves. How terrible!