Hard To Accept
Hello my name is Sherry and I have a 19 year old son who just informed me that he was gay/bisexual I really don’t know which one he is because he doesn’t know either. But in any case he’s one of them. I am having a hard time excepting this because I’ve raised both of my boys alone without any help from the father. I’m starting to resent my youngest son because this was now the way it was to turn out..
I feel this was my thanks for struggling to put them both through school and now college and now hey mom I forgot to tell you that I’m bisexual. I resent him because I thought my work was done and I could have my life back and start living. But now I have another obstacle in my way.I am really struggling with this because I’m embarrassed, I’m disgusted and I can’t come to grips with it.
I’m being forced to except his life style. He has moved out and living with friends because I won’t let him bring his friends around me. I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to live and do what he wants with his life and I’m being forced to not live mine. How can I come to grips with this without resenting him for putting me through this.
Thank you
Sherry
I am a 17 year old gay boy. And I can’t tell my father, nor my mother. You know why? Because it would disappoint them. They might be suspecting me of gayness, but as long as I don’t confirm that I am indeed gay, I know they’ll be happy, and that’s what I want them to stay– happy.
BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?
I am unhappy. I am not free. I am forced to live in the expectations of the society. I have sacrificed my personal intentions just so my parents would not be depressed.
Your son did otherwise, and I kinda envy him. I am not saying he doesn’t love you like I love my parents– BUT WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE HIM FEEL THE SAME PAIN AS I FEEL? IMPRISONED LIKE ME? I wish you could just be happy for him.
Every gay person had a stage of denial. Which means he was gay, even before you both realized he was. It doesn’t matter whether he tells you– HE IS GAY NO MATTER WHAT. And the fact that he told you means he appreciate you. You raised him, that’s why he thought it is important that you know. And don’t worry, it is normal to worry for your son’s life straight or not.
remember: I AM 17. I wish you more happiness, contentment, acceptance, open mindedness, unconditional love, and may god bless you more. ciao.
I was touched by what you wrote. My 20-year old son came out to us a few days ago. I have contacted PFLAG to learn how I can support my son. I love him and always will.
I need to talk to people who are gay or who are parents of gays.
Do you want to be my friend.
Maybe we can help one another?
Janet
hi Sherry. imagine how difficult it was for your son to come out to you. and the kind of thought and agony he put into it. coming out to people is NOT an easy thing…especially when it’s family. when my brother came out to me…he wouldn’t even say the word gay. there was someone he used to work with that i knew as well and he’s gay. so when my brother was trying to hint around it…his being gay…i asked him if it was similar to what his friend from work was and he said yea. and i was the first person he had come out to and i felt privileged enough to have been the first person he could come to and tell…even if it was in his own round about way. and i would never even think of rejecting him or thinking of him as a failure…or the way our parents may have raised us.
it took a lot of guts for your son to come to you and you can’t just condemn him for being who he is. his being bisexual or gay is in no way a reflection of bad parenting on you. and it certainly doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that he didn’t have a father around…if that’s what you were thinking. my brother has had our father in his life everyday for as long as he’s been alive…and he’s still gay.
something that i think would be helpful to both you AND your son is if you both sit down and RATIONALLY discuss the feelings both of you have…and ask him questions. but not things like why. more like how long have you known or what did it take for you to come and tell me, how long had you been thinking about telling me…things like that. but don’t antagonize him…that might make him feel threatened. and if you really feel that threatened by his friends being in your home…instead of not allowing them over at all…maybe set some ground rules until u feel comfortable with the person…or until you feel comfortable accepting who and what your son is. maybe a few times a month ask your son to invite one of his friends over for dinner…and try to make an effort to get to know them. don’t make your son feel like you don’t love him…as i’m positive you love him very much. but he may not feel like you don’t right now…and this is a time when he needs you to love him more than ever.
HI SHERRY, I CAN TELL YOU AS I SIT HERE TODAY, WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. ME TO THE MOTHER WHO HAS STRUGGLED BRINGIN HER CHILDREN UP MOSTLY ON HER OWN, TO FIND OUT MY SON IS GAY.. HE IS A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MAN OF 24 AND I HAVE KNOWN THIS FOR ABOUT 5 YEARS NOW.. I TO CRIED AND CRIED AND ASKD WHY ME… I WILL HAVE NO GRANDCHILDREN OF MY OWN FROM HIM AND ALL THE SELFISH THOUGHTS THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD… I HAVE NOW GOT PAST ALL THAT AND AS LONG AS HES HAPPY THATS MY MAIN CONCERN.. NOW MY NEWEST HEARTBREAK IS MY DAUGHTER WHO CELEBRATED HER 19TH BDAY LAST NIGHT, HAS TOLD ME SHE IS GAY.. SO NOW IM BACK AT THAT MOMENT AGAIN… SO DEVASTED AGAIN, BUT REALLY FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS AND I WILL SEE AGAIN WEN THE HEALING STARTS.. I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU
Hello Shelli my name is Isabel I to can’t stop crying my 1 & only son just came out and told that he is gay I understand how your feeling I need a friend would you be intered in beening my friend .
I feel very loney like if the world just feel on top of me & I can’t say nothing to my husband family members nor my friends my son has asked to keep it between me & him only. And when the people around ask me what is wrong I try to be strong & look away so they don’t see the pain I have inside of me I feel as if I was crawling out of my skin.
thank you
Isabel
Hello parents, my daughter came out a few years ago. She is 24 now. The most comforting thing for me has been talking to her and asking her honest, heartfelt questions. She has shared so much of herself with me and I am very grateful. This has also helped me understand and love her more. I have recently started a discussion group for parents of GLBT(Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender) children, to provide parents with an opportunity to empower each other on how to love their children so they can feel accepted, respected and understood. This will also help parents come together and support one another. Please contact me (Maria)for more information at saccom@zid.com.
Isabel – do you know of any way that parents who can’t accept the fact that their son or daughter is gay can connect by email?
Does anyone know of a website for these parents?
I am tired of parents being blamed just because they are unhappy and disappointed with the lifestyle their kids are leading. These parents have every right to be sad or angry or upset and should not be condemned for that. Everyone says you MUST accept the gay sons and daughters – well what about the parents? THEY have rights too!
Isabel, I hear you so loud and clear it isn’t funny. My son came out with his news on Nov. 11th/09…Lest I forget…and since that time Ive heard nothing but “GET OVER IT” or LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY or “WHATS THE BIG DEAL”,from other parents and friends? but NOTHING and I mean NOTHING about how I might be doing, or what I might be feeling. Since my son told me he has a self centered attitude and is very disrespectful in his actions towards me.This is a life long journey for sure and I know it took a long time for my son to come to terms with it himself….so why I ask as a person, a parent,do I have to deny my feelings immediately. Also any parent who is not going thru the same experience is not going to identify with me…Why?…because its not THEIR child, whew for them eh!
Dear Mothers,
I’m gay. I’m 21 and I live with parents who are disgusted by me, just like some of you…
I wrote my father, a 3 page letter, his response was to ignore me, until finally he got SO mad that he called me ‘sick’.
I leave him alone, and the ever present gap between us grows larger, and larger.
There is NOTHING, that should get in the way of your relationship with your sons, your daughters… They LOVE you, do you even know how MUCH they love you?
I’m begging you… LITERALLY BEGGING you at this moment, put aside what your fear, and your anger, and your doubts and just find your child and hug them… ‘love’ them, accept later, understand later, but don’t let ANYTHING come between you.
And please, be CAREFUL what you say, your child has put himself/herself, out there, lashing out, can destroy them, damage them in ways that you can’t imagine.
You are SO important, SO much more than you can possibly imagine to your child. There’s nothing I want more than to just ‘connect emotionally’ with my father right now, and I can’t even speak to him for fear of being lashed out at.
Everything you’re going through, your child has either gone through, or is going through and has gone through so much more.
Do your best, but please… At least try to mend things peacefully.
- A Son Misunderstood.
I would like to talk with other parents that are handling their child coming out. Last night, my 16 year old son, only child, shared with me that he is gay/bi-sexual. I want to support him, and have supported him to the best of my ability, however, my emotions are all over the board.
On the one hand, I don’t want him to feel isolated and alone. I want him to know that I love him no matter what lifestyle he chooses.
On the other hand, I stared blaming myself and asking myself if I was a good mother..and all the other selfish thoughts, like embarassment or disappointment of no chance of having grandchildren. All of which my intellect tells me is untrue, my emtions tell me otherwise.
I know other parents are out there feeling the very same way. Conflicted.
I would like to speak in confidence to someone who has gone through this same experience. My email is c7g9@hotmail.com.
Sincerely,
c’nicole
I am 23 (soon to be 24 in a couple weeks), and as of 10/2/09, my mother (who has known I’m gay for 3 years) and my grandparents (whom I live with because my mother and I don’t get along) both know that I’m gay. Things have never been the same. My grandparents are OK for the most part, but they do believe all the negative gay stereotypes. My grandmother even said I probably should’ve just joined the military and not have gone to college and I probably shouldn’t live here anymore. After packing a suitcase, my grandfather put his foot down and I’m still here. My grandmother then tried saying “I didn’t mean it like that.” but never apologized. She instantly took my mother’s side. Even though that’s their daughter, everyone knows how irresponsible my mom has been (mentally, financially, etc) most of her adult life, and seeing as how my grandparents stepped in to raise me, that really hurt.
As for my mother, it’s been hell dealing with her, so I don’t anymore. Mainly because she CHOSE to disown me, yet would still constantly harass me, so I filed an temp order of protection against her. I admit that was premature on my part but I had to take control of things. I have sense dropped the order, and just keep my distance. She’s been trying to buy me gifts, bu my affection and her control as she has all my life, but it’s not working now. I don’t talk to her, and when she tries to talk to me, it’s obvious I’m annoyed, and I can’t look at her because I’m so disgusted with her actions and behavior.
This may sound harsh, but she’s the one who said she was done with me, said I’d never be successful because I’m gay, and that I’ll probably end up dead and on drugs. I don’t want to deal with anyone who speaks so negatively about me and makes me feel bad about myself, and has for years. It’s been hard to deal with, but I’m working diligently to move out on my own as soon as possible. I feel then I will be appreciated once I’m gone.
Parents who are considering disowning their children, something I will say, that is the most ultimate betrayal, worst than any breakup. You think you are helping things by disowning your children, but it causes more harm. One day you may need them, and they will not be there…
I am the mother of four children. My youngest (age 20) is gay. He came out to us 4 years ago today. I remember that day like it was yesterday and those feelings of “What have I done to deserve this?”. I immediately went to the internet to search for information. We belong to a very conservative religious organization, which made coming to terms with this issue, even more difficult. I suffered from all of those same feelings that you all have mentioned and fretted over what this information was going to mean to my son’s future, and the future of our family. I think the most important thing I did right away was tell my son that I loved him and nothing would ever change that.
I think that a turning point for both my husband and I came when we began to understand that being gay is not about sex. It’s about who you connect with on an emotional level. My husband had an experience where he had a particularly bad day and as soon as he was able, he raced to the phone to share his problems with me. He was very emotional and grateful that he had someone who he felt safe with, to share that much emotion with. After he had thought about it for a bit, he said, “I realize that everyone deserves to have that someone in their lives who they feel safe with, and I want my gay son to have that as much as I want my straight children to have it with someone.” Ever since that day we have been gay rights activists and strong supporters of gay marriage. We want our gay son to find someone to love and have a family with. This will provide stability to his life and contribute to his overall happiness.
For those who are worried about never having grandchildren…..many gay couples have children, using a gestational carrier and an egg donor. Many also adopt. There are many opportunities for you to become grandmothers.
I’m happy to talk to any of you who might need a listening ear. My e-mail address is alanna.farnsworth@comcast.net
Hugs!
Dear Sherry,
Why can’t you live your life? I know it is a shock when our child is honest, and it doesn’t fit in with our ideas for them. Parents and friends of gay and lesbians (PFLAG) has information to help you through the shock. Your son needs to feel he is loved, and your bitterness towards him can bring you both into separation or depression. I believe it is most important that your son is a good, honest, and loving person.It seems to me, you raised him well. A friend once told me, “You raise your kids to be independent, and what do they do, they go and become independent!”
Catie
Hi! I have been reading all comments here ..of parents and kids…. I am 52 ….I am a widow..raised my sons by myself.. …my wonderful 21 year old son came to me and told me he had a relationship with another young man … I was in shock! but I did not demostrated it right away …We were able to talk about it…. I remained calm and assure him that no matter what ..he is my son and I love him dearly ….BUT that night I was crying all night and had a hard time understanding…why?… I never suspected while he was at our home ! …Then my oldest son told me he knew about it! and he was ok with it! …Now I even have images of my son and the other person and I get disgusted but I am trying not to think about it and also looking for a support group and some counseling. My two sons are good citizens and my youngest is in the military! (I adviced him discretion until he gets out because the military do not support his sexual choices ) so… I came to this site and already help me see that I am not alone …I will never put my son away of my life…never! but I will need help to come to an understanding of this… It is hard … my church …my family and friends..what they will say?…When I am in agroup of friends and they joke about homosexuals..my heart sink…My son is great! and I only wish his happiness…Those that beleive in God pray for me….and those that do not..send me your positive vibes…lol…I need all the help I can get!
Blessings to all!
Sherry:
My 16 year old son came out in early October. I was devestated and physically ill. I could not eat for 5 days. He and I were very close before and are still close today. I know that this is not a choice and I know that his life will not be easy. He doesn’t know that I still cry every day. I love him so much and will do whatever it takes to support him emotionally. My family, including my husband and my older son have been great. I wish that I could get over the disappointment. I am feeling very selfish and guilty for still feeling sad. My goal for 2010 is to let go and get over it because he is who he is and I am not going to change him. I do not want to lose him. I need to change myself!
Good luck,
Lisa
My name is Sue and my 23 year old son just told us he is gay. I can’t tell you how devastated his dad and I are. We worked hard for all three of our children to educate them. As parents we tried so hard to be supportive in every way. We lived for our children. I understand that my son didn’t choose to feel this way but what I don’t understand is why he doesn’t seek help. I am a nurse. I also worked in a HIV clinic. I am trained in counseling and educating people about HIV. I know that gay men are at very high risk for HIV. I also know that the young gay men in their 20′s right now are showing a 15 percent increase in HIV. Anal sex is not healthy and how could any knowledgable parent move on after getting news like this. Anal sex increases your chances for other diseases also. As a nurse I know of gay men who contracted myocarditis and endocarditis and have died. The problem is that the anus and rectum are part of the digestive system and not meant for sexual purposes, they are meant for absorbtion. The walls of these organs are very thin, with many many bloodvessels. The blood vessels are there to carry what ever is there away into the circulatory system (such as the heart, hence the myocarditis, endocarditis and any virus or bacteria). If I were a gay man I would rather be celibate than to engage in anal sex with another man. The fact is that most gay relationships don’t last long and that even if they think they are in a committed relationship they usually are not. One of the men is usually having sex with someone else. I feel it is like playing russian roulette with life. Why is our society so sick that we can’t even get the real truth out to these young men. The gay activists cover the truth. The government, medical and psychiatric segments of our society are afraid to tell these young men the truth. They know it is political and have been hushed. The colleges encourage it and promote it. I just want my son to know the truth about the health issue. He doesn’t believe me because he thinks I am his mom and I am just trying to keep him straight. I would love to have another parent to talk to about this. I am not interested in hearing from other gay men like my son who are ignorant in regards to the health issues at stake here or they just don’t want to believe it, so they can continue to engage in it. I think if society were to address the serious health issues without trying to be so politically correct we would see a decrease in homosexuality or at least they would protect themselves better. Most of the young ones don’t use protection at all. Parents who are so accepting of this either do not care or do not understand the health issues. We need people to realise the cost to our healthcare system for something that is preventable by just not doing it. I believe we would see a decrease in this behavior if these men really knew and were being told everywhere such as by their doctors, colleges, psychiatrists and society in general. Why do we allow a minority of people(gay activists) to have such a devastating impact on our sons. I would love to start my own organization called “The truth about anal sex”. I hope someone will talk to me. I feel very alone and have no one except my husband to talk to.I have also been selfishly feeling embarassed and humiliated. I don’t want to see anyone. I find myself looking at other young men with their wives and kids and feeling so sad for my son. I think if our world would quit pandering to these poor lost men and try to figure out how to help them mentally we would be much better off. At least homosexuality would not be on the rise and even considered cool. Come on. It is not biological, all research indicates this is mental. Probably due to many differenct scenarios such as perhaps parenting but also and maybe even more so, how you were treated by your peers. Women also are guilty of pegging a man as gay because he is creative, well spoken, doesn’t play sports etc… My son had female friends who helped him see that he was gay but I remember when he was a little boy and told me so proudly that when he turned 16 he was going to have a girlfriend. I remember when he was 17 and he was dating a girl that he was head over heals with. Unfortunately I also remember him being made fun of and called names because he played the piano and loved to sing. I pray to God everyday for him to help my son. I am almost to the point where I feel there must not be a God because why would he let this happen to my son who is a good person. Sue
Hi Sue
Whilst you are someone who knows a lot about HIV and AIDES I don’t believe you know too much about
homosexuality or sexuality itself nor what being gay is all about. Being a gay man is more than having anal sex. Straight people fall in love with the opposite sex without even thinking about what they will be doing in bed and this is the case with gay men. Sure we all know men are higher sexed than women but being gay is about being attracted to the same sex in many ways not just sex.
Just as straight couples, sex can be varied. Some straight people have anal sex and some gay couples do not.
There are many ways to please your partner and this should be a private and personal thing to each couple.
As far as gay couples not sticking together I think if you look at stats not only many gay couples break up but so do many straight couples so what is your point. I think that you are so focused on the medical side (which is very important) that you are not seeing clearly.
Your son needs your support right now and all you are doing is handing him over all these negatives and you are pushing him away. Of course you need to tell him your concerns and what you know about HIV but you should not be making it the only point of view.
As a parent of course you need to explain safety when it comes to sex whether you have a son, daughter, gay or straight. Surely you must know that straight people face the same dangers with many sexually transmitted diseases including HIV.
But you make a major issue with these. You may say that it is anal sex that is the problem but who knows what anyone does in their bedrooms? Your kids, male or female are not going to tell you.
Instead of just focusing on the physical side of your sons sexual orientation, start looking at his emotional side and talk to him as a parent and not just a professional.
mdc24, Thank you for responding to my concerns. I understand what you are saying but the stats are not in favor of homosexual men. Yes you are right in regards to anal sex and faithfullness, but I was speaking more in terms of how likely these things are to occur in the homosexual segment of our population verses heterosexual. I believe that anal sex would be more common amongst homosexual men than heterosexual couples but you do give me some hope. No we don’t know what people, heterosexual or homosexual, are doing in their bedrooms, but I believe people should be informed of the risks and why these activities are risky. I believe that many young people are not aware and certainly are not aware of the biological processes and outcomes. You do give me hope though that perhaps by some chance (and I would venture to say it is ever so small) my son’s relationship is not one that involves anal sex. Are you saying that even though this is a life or death issue, as I believe it could be, that it is better not to inform him of the negatives. I would not be able to live with myself as a mother or a nurse if I didn’t arm him with the truth. I am sorry that homosexual people statistically do face a greater risk of hiv and many other std’s. I have told my son that no matter what we love him. I have also sent him all the information that I can to help inform him of the risk he might be taking with his life. I don’t believe this is something that my son chooses or feels is voluntary. I do hope that research into what causes homosexuality is continuing. I doubt that there is much money being funneled in that direction. I know that my son has suffered a lot in dealing with this as he is aware that it is not the norm. If as you say I am pushing him away and I believe you may be right then I am sorry that has to happen. I am first and foremost a mother and the instinct of a good mother is to protect her children. That instinct is as natural as some believe homosexuality is and it too is beyond my control. I would give my life to protect my children. You make the comment that like heterosexual couples, gay couples don’t think about what they will be doing in bed. I am sure you are correct but once they get there(in bed) they had better think about what they are doing if they value their life. I am doing my best to try to let my son know that we have not turned our backs on him and to also make sure he knows that he could make choices that will shorten his life. Homosexual activists always say this is not a choice and I say “OK it is not a choice. Then why not research homosexuality and offer treatment to those who feel tormented by it.” Iam very serious about starting an educational campaign about the dangers of anal sex for anyone not just homosexuals. Thank you for responding to my plea for help. I do recognize that my husband and I are very depressed and I pray that we are able to someday feel better. I think people don’t realize how devastating and lonely it is for the parents. In our case we feel that our hopes and dreams for our son have just been shattered. The dreams of our son meeting the right girl, marrying and having the “traditional family” life are gone. My husband just says ” there is always hope that he will change.” You are right we don’t understand and neither does our son I am sure. I really do appreciate your trying to help me. I will try as you have suggested to focus as much attention to his emotional side as I am to the physical side. I do think that he is emotionally in better shape than his parents are at this time.
Does anyone know of a site that is for parents who are having a tough time dealing with this. This site doesn’t seem to be very helpful. I think this site is more for the person who is gay. If anyone knows of a site that is more specifically for parents let me know.
Hi, i read your note and it broke my heart, i found out my son was gay when he was 15, i blame myself as i have always had a fear of having a gay brother or son from the age of 16. his now 24 and a very handsome young man. i still can’t accept it. Long story regarding my life..alot of tragedys which i felt brought all this on. I now can’t wait for the day i die so i can be in peace. I hope you can get through this , cos it is a shattering thing to find out.
To the mother of the son who was 15 when she found out, I feel your pain as I feel the same way. My husband and I love our son more than anything. We don’t want anything to happen to him. We could never stop loving him. With that said I can’t explain why I can’t be around him or accept him. I guess if unconditional love means I have to watch someone that I love so much take such great risk with his life, then no I can’t love unconditionally. I often think to myself that someday I wont have to feel this pain anymore, and like you I feel I will be at peace. I use to love life so much. My husband and I tried so hard to be the best parents. I tried to make sure I did everything right for my kids. I now realize that I am a failure as a mother. Being a good mother was my whole purpose in life. My son just shattered all of our dreams. If accepting this is what it takes now for me to be a good mother then I am sorry as I am no more able to accept this than the gay people are able to be straight. I can pray and will it away all I want but it just isn’t going to change these feelings.
Are you able to be around your son because I just don’t see how I can be a part of his life now. I am even having a difficult time being around his brother and sister or any family members or friends. I just want to run and hide somewhere. I have lost interest in all the things that use to make me feel good. I don’t want to talk to people at all. I feel sad for my husband because he is very depressed also but he tries to hang on to the hope that somehow this will change and our son won’t be gay anymore. He tries to convince me of that. He says he can’t deal with it any other way. He tries to call him to see if he can get him to change. Our son just tells his dad that he can’t talk unless he needs some money. I know we are grieving the loss of our son that we thought we raised.
Our son seems very self-centered now. Very much into himself. He also sometimes seems extremely immature and childlike especially with his friends. He seems to just not have much of a conscience about any of this. He doesn’t talk to us unless he needs money. I guess i just don’t understand because I would rather be celibate than hurt my family like this. If I were gay and felt I had no choice then I would have to be independent of my parents and not ask them to help me financially, that is what I mean about the imaturity. Expect others to fund your life. I think sometimes it would just be best if we didn’t see him or talk to him. I can’t help but notice these things about him now.
Sometimes out of the clear blue a wave of reality comes over me and my heart starts beating so fast, the horror of all this sweeps over me. I know it is a panic attack. I don’t know if he has a partner and I don’t want to know. My biggest concern is the health issues involved with this kind of life. That is the hardest part as I feel he is gambling with his life. I try to understand that they say this is not a choice but why would a young man not want to try to get help of some sort.
My son is involved in music and now lives in a big city away from home. I thought he went there to pursue his career but I think he went there to seek this life. You have to excuse me because I go through periods of anger and sadness. Do these feelings ever go away? I read things on these websites and they all say this is not a choice. Well I am not choosing to feel the way I feel either. I don’t choose to be scared, sad and depressed. I don’t choose to feel like a failure but I do. I guess it sounds like you have delt with this for 8 years and you still feel the same. I thank you for writing as it sure means a lot to me. This hurts me worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. Maybe we can somehow help each other. I wish I could be oblivious to all the health issues like a lot the other parents that I have read about on the internet. I worked in a HIV clinic and did counseling. I know the truth. Does your son live close to you? I am here if you need to talk but I also understand if you arent able to. God help us. Sue
I feel your pain and I am sorry you have to feel that way… yes it’s the WORST feeling I’ve ever experienced too! It is very very hard and your heart will continue to break, but remember he is still your son. I too have had bad feelings like not wanting to be around my daughter at times, but it goes away. Be honest with your children about your feelings, but don’t be hurtful. My daughter knows how her dad and I feel. We don’t stop her from seeing her “friend”, but she’s not allowed to do it at our home. She is who she is whether we like it or not. JUST PRAY! I will pray for you and your son and everyone else going through this!
**If anyone finds another website for parents who can say how they feel, please post.
Dear Sherry,
I’m 13 years old and bisexual and I am not a Christian. If I tell my dad he would disown me right away. It’s people who disown their kids because of their sexuality or religion the disgust me. If my dad knew he would make me live with my horrible mom. My mom doesn’t love me and told me this after the divorce. Her exact words were “I don’t love you, I’m just fighting for you in the custody battle so I have someone to clean the house so no one else has to.” Well at least she cares enuf 2 respect my religion and sexuality. And how come you are bisexual and you say it grosses you out that your son is bisexual/gay? it makes you sound like a hipocrit. I hope you understand IT’S NOT A CHOICE. I didn’t chose to be bisexual.
hope you understand sincerely,
a girl who has no accepting,supportive family
My emotions are all over the place. I do want to support my ONLY son with this, but it is SOOOO difficult. I simply can not come to terms with it or accept it! I have personal and religious beliefs about it and yes, selfish reasons also! Oh, he is 18 years of age.
The CRAZY thing is, I SERIOUSLY have gay friends! That does not bother me, as long as its NOT IN MY HOUSE!..Does that make any sense? It is so crazy, because how is it I can accept my gay friends lifestyle, but not my own son. I said some VERY hurtful things to my son last night (2.19.10). Some of the things I said to hime still hold true; such as I am ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted by him! On the other hand, he is the most caring, responsible and sweet person I know! I tried to justify it and say he could be worthless, giving me headaches, a molester, rapist, drug addict or have sexual addictions to porn or something. All of them are just as bad to me!
Funny thing is, I KNOW my family and friends would accept it…but, again..its not in their homes!
What am I to do? I am pregnant now with a son (7 months) and what if being gay is in the genes or something? Why is it that people say they do not choose to be this way? If this is the case, how come more “liberal” (and yes I am liberal) societies who accept it, appear to have more gay children? Why does it seem like Christians have more gay children than perhaps the Muslim religions? Why is it that countries that practice religions other than Christianity, appear to have a significantly amount of less gay men? So, how is it not a choice? If it was NOT a choice, one would expect that the stricter societies would have the same amount of gay people in them.
Also, my son informed me that he was molested at day camp when he was around 6 years of age by a teenager in the bathroom. Can you believe I actually REMEMBER this! Meaning, I recall picking him up and something was weird, not right. He acted strange that day!! I use to talk to him so much and tell him to tell me if anyone ever touches him. He never did until around 6th-7th grade when I say a gay porn site he had looked at over the Internet. Then, I found other things, as he became older..to disgusting for me to speak of.
Even if I “accept” his lifestyle, I DO NOT want it around me..in my home! I honestly find it disgusting to my soul! I have thought about “strange” sexual acts I committed with men and think maybe I have been cursed. When I was 18 years old, I layed down with a woman once and HATED it! I think maybe that sin is catching up to me! I do believe you reap what you sow!
So, I also wonder, if he had not been molested, would he be gay? And, like a rape victim…who no longer trusts men, can she be changed to trust men again? My son adamantly states that he does not recall liking boys until this incident occurred. He states this was his first experience and after that, he was confused. He states like I can look at a man and find him arousing, but then I can look at a woman and say she is attractive, but it does nothing for me, this is how he looks at men and women. He finds the man arousing and nothing much for the woman. He did state he has been with girls before though.
I do not care what society says, being gay is wrong! I will never EVER accept it.
I am just so disgusted and disappointed. Thank you so much for listening.
Hello to everyone out there….My son just came out last night 2/24/10 at the age of 21. Needless to say i am hurt, but more for him. I know the world is cruel, relentless in hurting those that are different and unforgiving. I have mixed feelings—the only feeling i can say is untouched is my love for him— which is forever going to be the same. I don’t understand and am reachimng out to you for help. I also have another son that is a year and a half old with a man that i am going to marry this year—- HE is a homophobe. I cant tell him about my son because he will want him to leave the house and i feel i need my son close to me so that i can support him on this long journey. How can i help him if he cant be totally free? Hedoesnt want my mon, his grandmother to know for fear of utter rejection, though she sees him as PERFECT. I think this perfection she sees in him has him at a hangedman position with her. There is also my sister who is supportive, although very hurt for him as well. I want his happiness, but are there really any happy Gay relationships? I guess its like any other relationship— a hit or miss? I am so confused, i cant imagine what my son deals with. I want to be able to give him all i can. To me he is my son and a great young man with a lot to offer—-i want him to make the most of his life—i dont want him to be hurt by anyone—i am commited to being his rock in strength whenever he needs me. But i need help too. please, if you have any advice please email me at xkyxun@yahoo.com it would be greatly appreciated. FOR THOSE PARENTS OUT THERE UNABLE TO DEAL WITH IT, REMEMBER THIS— HE/SHE IS STILL THAT BABY YOU LOVED AND NURTURED IN YOUR WOMB. REMEMBER THEJOY OF SEEING HIS/HER FACE FOR THE FIRST TIME. REMEMBER THE HURT YO FELT WHEN THEY HURT….WELL, HE/SHE MAY BE HURTING RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE THE CLOSEST THING TO THEM. KEEP THEM CLOSE—LOVE THEM HARD—NEVER TURN THEM OUT—THAT WOULD BE THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL. LOVE LOVE AND MORE LOVE TO ALL.
To all the parents who have left comments on this blog about how you can not accept your children as gay you should be ashamed of yourselves. How terrible!
Sherry I’m in the same exact boat .When my son was 16 I began to get suspicious regarding certain activities that were going on. I naturally confronted him and he stated that he was bi-sexual.I thought I was going to die. We got into a major argument over this issue. I will never forget that night as long as I live. I was devastated,angry and shocked to think that he was this way. As of late he stated that he doesn’t know what he really is. I live with this issue everyday of my life and it has affected my health to the point where I have to take medication. We were always close and still talk but ever since that night I feel a deep gap between us.
I love my son with all my heart, was always there for him and gave him everything that was within my power. However, I will never except this type of life style,NEVER. It is WRONG, WRONG,WRONG. God made men and women for a reason and a purpose.How can a gay person justify this ???? God loves everyone gay or straight but gay lifestyle I don’t think so.
I pray to God everyday and for everyone who is going through this heartache. I personally am leaving my situation in God’s hands. I don’t know what else to do.
On closing I would like to leave everyone a quote from the Bible. Lev. 18:22 You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.
These are not my words but words from our Creator. The decision is yours to make, it is your life.
Wishing everyone the best.
Abbie
Brad you are not a parent. We feel like we need to be true to ourselves, and here is a safe place to vent our feelings. Please let us do that (I am the mother of two gay children and am working hard at acceptance) Actually my son is now saying he is two spirited and wears make-up and feminine clothes. it’s hard, trust me.
There is no easy solutions to these gay issues and there will never be.People will do what they want regardless—end of story. It’s not even worth talking about.
Hi to everyone, My son which is 22 told me he is gay about 7 months ago…I thought it was a phase he was going through..as of today I am still hoping it is a phase..but I feel like dying. I want to die, I can’t bare this..I am praying everyday for my son that God will change him..This is so hard I cry all the time..I don;t know what to do..
I realize how difficult this is for many parents. My son (22) came out just over two years ago. I was very shocked and upset at first, but never upset with him. I was worried that I had done/let something happen to him that made him this way. I was never disgusted with him, and frankly I am shocked to see that so many people are “disgusted” with their child. He did not make a choice, he is not a bad person, he is in NO WAY less than my other two children. His lifestyle is not hedonistic, and he is not going to hell. Don’t quote the bible here, it actually condemns heterosexuals almost five times more than homosexuals. I understand religion is a very personal thing, but I am so upset to see how many people actually believe in a God of hate. I pray that you will see how much this world has to offer if you just open your eyes. There are many churches and religious organizations that support homosexuality, I suggest you do some research to see where they are coming from. It might just help you see things from a more rational point of view.
You don’t have to agree with their sexual preference (duh you’re straight) just encourage them to make healthy choices. Remember STDs are transmitted by unprotected sex, gay or straight. I know how difficult this is, you just want what’s best for your child. I promise you, they can live a happy and healthy life full of joy. You should make an effort to talk with your child about their feelings and share your own. Coming out takes guts, they did their part, now its time for you to do yours. Take them out for lunch, maybe shopping, or even just your living room. Start communicating!! I couldn’t be more proud of my son. He is graduating with honors this spring from one of the best schools in the country, he is in a loving relationship with a young man we love, and ABOVE ALL he is happy with who he is.
I’m 20 and gay and I came out to my brother about a month ago. He was surprised but seemed to be ok about it, but since then he doesn’t talk to me. He hardly asked me anything about it. Initially he said he wanted mt to tell my parents, and that he would help, but since then he just avoids me. It is very hurtful and I am starting to really hate him. Reading this just reinforces the feeling that I am alone and that I shouldn’t tell my parents. I don’t want them to hurt. Its not fair on them but its not fair on me either. However every day my resentment grows toward them. What did I do to have to carry this burden on my shoulders every day? When my parents make reference to my “future wife” or ask me whether I have a girlfriend it ruins my day. The only person who makes me happy is my boyfriend.
I am a parent of a 20 yr old son who is gay, and I couldn’t be more proud or love him more that I do right now. His dad and I have known since he was very little that he was gay. My brother is gay and so was my late aunt. This was not a choice. I may offend some parents and I’m sorry, but, this isn’t about you. I think you make it about you when you start worrying about your friends or your church, or what ever organization you belong to and what they may say or think. You know what, if they have a problem with it, that’s their problem not yours. Don’t ever let anyone or any organization tell you how you are to think, believe or act, especially when it come s to your child. You have no idea how hard it was for your child to tell you this secret they’ve been keeping. Some kids would rather commit suicide that tell their parents. I find that so sad. I thank god everyday for my gay son. He’s a great kid!
Reading these comments Iam glad I am not alone. My daughter told me in September 2009 she is either bisexual or a lesbian although I had suspected things for several years. She was always different at school,lots of things made me think she was a lesbian but then she had boyfriends and eventually became engaged to one so I just thought maybe I was overreacting. However she brought a girl into the house with some friends and immediately I sensed something was wrong – all the family disliked her, she was definitely up to something, bring her to sleep in the same room etc. as boyfriend and eventually after some very difficult incidents we told her the friend was not welcome in the house, her fiancee hated the girl and to cut a long and extremely painful time short she split from the boyfriend on the pretence of his temper problems etc. she had always been very secretive and now she is seeing her. We are all devastated and I have told her if she had been open many years ago, we had always had a very good relationship, even one which some of my friends admired, but this counted for nothing even when I sometimes would ask her gently if she wanted to talk about anything etc. on numerous occasions. She deliberately cheated on a boyfriend who had not had a great time previously with family etc. and who thought the world of her,she should have split with him and been honest although now he tells me he knew all the time and has apologised to me for lying!! How sad this makes me feel, she cheated on him for two years like this and it was such a difficult time for myself, her father and younger sister. She realises now she should have been honest but now we cannot tolerate the girl at all and she has not been allowed into our home for 18 months and we have told her she never ever will be. Our daughter ranted and raved, basically because she has not got her own way, and we have told her that we have always welcomed friends etc. before and probably will with someone else but never with this girl. Just her name makes me feel sick – I have never hated anyone so much in all my life, my husband and I have rowed endlessly although we are better now, my younger daughter has nothing but contempt for her sister, my daughter does not want anyone to know “as it may not last!” I actually wish I had never had my daughter now, I never thought this would happen to us, she is successful academically but has always had problems socially and with friends. My husband and I have actually told each other we would like to tell her to clear off but know that is not the solution and we both admit we prefer it when she is not in the house, even her sister says this! she is still secretive but we always know when she is seeing her, paying for hotels to stay in, trips to other towns, probably where no one will recognise her! I have said be open and if you were happy with someone you would be proud to be seen with them and that in the end it always come out and someone will see you somewhere but still she creeps around. I have told her she will always be welcome at home, will always have a room (twice she has tried to move out with the girl!) and that many people have partners who their families don’t like but I sometimes think where did this all go wrong, if I had my time now I would not have had her as the joy she should have brought us is ruined by what is happening and I just can’t see any end to it all.
I would be grateful for any advice or help from anyone
I am so glad I am not alone, I have cried every day since my daughter told me and even when she told me she would not have dinner tonight and I guessed where she was going, tears came into my eyes as I was putting my make up on! My life has turned upside down and like another person said things that used to make me happy have no effect anymore, I would agree with others that so many websites come out with the same old rubbish of he/she is still your sone/daughter – no they are not i am mourning the loss of the daughter I thought I once had. My brother in law is gay, a nephew is gay – all on my husbands side and we suspect another family mem ber is and now my other daughter has said she doesn’t even know if she wants children other wise she will probably end up with a gay child! How sad the world is! my lesbian daughter has said it is not hereditary but i wonder, considering her spiteful comments I do truly wonder about this, my daughter has said the most hurtful things as she has said she doesn’t want to be gay, that I should have checked my husbands history etc. out before I married him! and many more things – I felt like saying to her I wished I could have chekd you out too!! I am just sooooo sad and have no one really to talk to as my friends have told me they are just glad it’s not their kids but they do feel for me!they do try to help but admit they can’t imagine how they would feel!
We really do need a website for parents!
Hi,I’m a gay/bisexual male.I’m 15,and I’m turning 16 in 2 months.I haven’t come out to anyone yet.I’m not angry with You,but You are making this situation seem like it is harder on You than it is him.I’m not saying that what You are going through isn’t painful,but It wasn’t his choice at all. I can guarantee You,Me and a lot of other gay/bi people at some point or another if given the choice,would have rather been straight.Imagine waking up every morning just knowing:”Out of everyone in the world,I am gay.For no reason,I was chosen to be gay”.You need to accept the fact that he is gay/bi.You don’t have to support it,but You should accept it.You should feel honored and flattered that Your son had the courage to come out to You,because he feels that comfortable with You.If I ever get a boyfriend,I have to live with the fact that I will never be able to hold hands with him in public,because I will get made fun of or beaten up.I can;t get married legally,like everyone else.Imagine being hated because You are heterosexual.I understand You are going through hard times,but I hate myself for being gay/bi.I just got done cutting myself,because the physical pain feels better than the emotional pain of knowing I will never be able to live like everyone else.Imagine being depressed because You know that 99.9% of the guys You get a crush on,will never feel the same way about You.Be thankful that You are straight.I’m not saying this to You,but to everyone who is straight.Be thankful that You can live without being hated for who You are.Just give Your son support,please…please.You can both make it through this if You just talk about it.
To those of you parents who are disgusted by your gay children or embarassed or have said you want to die because your child is gay. You need to go to a support group! This is your child that you loved up until the moment you were told they were gay. I have never stopped loving my son and have NEVER been disgusted or embarrased by him. Being gay doesn’t change who they are. You are the one that changes. I am so saddened by these comments…
Homosexuality is hard for anyone to deal with. So many parents express emotions of disgust and confusion. This is understandable and you should not be judged harshly by anyone for having this reaction. I assure you that it took your child a long…long time to accept them self and that they most likely had those exact same emotions.
I am 22 and about to graduate college with a degree in Cell Biology. My parents are so excited and I feel terrible because I am withholding information from them. I have not told anyone of my secret. One thing I have discovered though is that as time goes on it gets harder and harder to carry the burden. My parents are very conservative individuals and as a result I could never tell them. I feel it would kill them. Jack, who posted earlier, talked about his parents making comments about his “future wife” and possible girlfriends. I laughed a little, because I know how that feels. It too depresses me whenever my parents make a statement like that because in my mind I am seeing the day when they might finally suspect their worst fear. Right now they simply think I have set my standards for potential girlfriends too high and that I don’t think anyone is good enough. I also have great friends, none of which share my problem. Right now I am in an awkward situation because there is a girl who I am great friends with and we go to church every Sunday together. The problem is that she is beginning to see me as more than a friend and has become more “physical” (not in the sense of sex, but stuff like holding my hand, little things like that). I don’t try to give her false hope, but at the same time I don’t repel away from her. It is awkward because I don’t feel anything more toward her than friendship. My best friend is in several classes with me and he is certain I like her and tells me I am just afraid to admit it to myself. Like I said before I have not told anyone my secret. They are my two closest friends and while I am certain the girl would accept me, the same would not be true for my best friend. If he ever found our friendship would change. I am planning to be single for the rest of my life.
I just wanted to say to all the parents that my heart sympathizes with you because I know that my parents would also have a difficult time accepting me. Just understand that your kids still love you very much and that they would do anything for you. Even if you push them away because you don’t know any other way to deal with their sexuality, they will still care about you. I am convinced that if they told you about their secret it is because it became too much of a burden for them to carry on their own.
Dear Anonymous, I just found out in Sept. 2009 that my daughter had a girlfriend. I was very depressed and at times wish I could just run away from it all. i couldn’t accept her and her new way of life. I still love my daughter and will never stop loving her. It’s just not normal (for me) and it’s going to take some time to understand. I pray everyday for me and her. Please try to understand your parents feelings. They only want the best for you even though it may be hard for you to believe right now. The lifestyle you have chosen is not an easy one and you’re going to have to give a little, because like it or not, IT IS hard to accept because it is “different”. And what parents want their child to be different? The first thing you need to do is start loving yourself and stop cutting. I can tell you are a very caring person and you deserve to be happy. I also have 2 other family members who are gay. It wasn’t easy for them in the beginning, but they manage to live the life they want without making a “big deal” out of it. Take it slow around your family and don’t push it on them. I don’t stop my daughter from going out with her friend, but i don’t allow it at my home. Eventually that may change, but right now she respects my feelings and it has made a world of difference in our relationship. Best of luck to you and remember you’re still young, and you still have time for “love”. Enjoy life and enjoy being you and the rest will work out! I hope this didn’t make things worse for you. i just wanted you to understand it from a parents point of view.
I can’t help but cry as I read these stories. So many of them could have been written by me…using the exact same words I’ve said to myself. My 14 year old son recently told me he is gay. I spent almost a week not being able to function at all. You see, if someone had told me to finish this sentence: My son can be anything he wants to be except…I would have immediately said gay. I was engaged to a man who told me he was gay. I thought my world had come to an end then, not realizing I would be going through this again. No one knows except our immediate family, so I have no one to talk to. My husband is okay with it because he thinks it is just a phase he is going through. I think I’m having such a harder time because I know it’s not. It might not be as hard, but as someone else stated, my son, too, has become very self-centered. I feel he is also being cruel by flaunting everything gay since he found out how I feel. All of his books, music, TV, movies, etc. revolve around people being gay. I constantly find him on disgusting websites that I wouldn’t allow gay or straight. He knows this, but he seems to get some sort of satisfaction out of me seeing it and becoming angry. He has a younger brother and I don’t want him seeing any of this, even though he does know his brother is gay. I feel like all of my hopes and dreams I had for my son have just gone up in smoke. We had a long talk about this when he told me one of his friends was gay last fall. The boy’s mother was “psycho”. I tried to explain to my son what she was going through and now I’m going through the same thing. How can he get so much pleasure out of hurting me when we have always been so close? We always had a very open relationship and talked about so much more than his friends did with their parents. I feel like I have lost my son and I don’t know what I can do about it. If it was just being gay, it might be easier, but it’s all the other stuff on top of it that is driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do.
Any parents on here who are wondering why it’s hard to accept your gay children, let me tell you why: because you’re bigots! If you weren’t, acceptance would be a MUCH easier thing.
My son who is nearly 18 met a gay man of 26. After the initial shock we accepted it. Of course it was hard. After living with us for nearly 2 weeks he talked my son into leaving home. We have no contact with our son or brother and have no idea what is going on. This bloke controls him. I have ranted, cried and swore. This bloke seemed nice and caring. My son is now gay. I feel so lost.
Eight months down the line since my daughter told me,things certainly have not got any easier! She is quite open and blatant in many ways about being a lesbian but does not want me to tell my friends etc.! My husband does not want anyone to know but surely everyone can tell!!he is deeply embarrassed about it and won’t talk about it at all, we can only row about it really of which we do frequently and now I have just said I don’t want to talk about anymore as it is just too upsetting. My daughter has turned into a slut, having fun she calls it, sleeping with whoever she fancies! what a nightmare! A huge gap has come between us although she seems to think all is well, I would not be happy with her bahaviour if she was heterosexual so I just keep quiet and let her get on with it, what a nightmare! I look at parents with babies now and think ****** hell I hope this never happens to you! We have flowers arriving from girlfriends, etc everything that would happen in a normal boy/girl relationship although I suppose this is what happens! She is selfish beyond reason now (always was anyway but worse now, totally self centred) and has also asked us how we plan to spend any money we have!! To that effect we have booked several holidays and I have told her I am buying a new car! What has gone wrong, she was a sweet little girl and started being difficult about 10/11, so many problems at school with bullying etc. and friends and now I can see it was all down to her sexuality. Can’t imagine how it took her 10 years to confront it! all it has done is make it ten times worse and cause more problems.
The only way I cope and would perhaps LOL advise others is to get on with your own life and switch off! if that’s possible. We told her we didn’t want any of her “friends” in our house when we went away last month as even she admits she is a very poor judge, so what does she do, bring them into our home while we are away! My husband wants to tell her to move out but I don’t think that will help the situation. Our other daughter would not bring people home she had only just met as her friends are longstanding of several years and even she admits she can’t understand her sister’s logic – she accepts she is a lesbian and is fairly OK with it although wishes she wasn’t. The other problem is the constant lying our daughter does, she is incapable of telling anyone the same story twice! unbelieveable, I don’t even listen now as it is pointless!
The problem I face is I cannot imagine sitting at a table with my daughter and her girlfriend! I personally don’t even want to meet them but then i may as well kiss goodbye to my daughter! What an absolute mess our family is now! How I would love to have had a look into the future and foreseen all this and then I could have avoided it! Hindsight is a wonderful thing!
Dear Sherry,
I am gay and im 16 almost 17, I find you completely selfish and ignorant. He’s 19 you don’t neet to accept his life style if I was 19 I would’ve left my piece of shit life beside my mother. Everyday she hits me, but not enough to leave a mark because if she did then I would report, she critisizes me, and treats me as if I was an animal. No one desides to be gay! If I had the choice to not be gay I would’ve chosen it a long time ago. I’ve gone through so much due to the fact that my mother is a piece of shit. If I would’ve never told her anything I would’ve most likely killed myself. You need to realize that by you being selfish and ignorant, you’re not helping any one. If you continue your son WILL choose the wrong road don’t make the mistakes my mother has made! I KNOW that I am going to make bad decisions due to the fact that my mother makes me want to end my life. Be there for him don’t be stupid he’s your son! Be his mom!
I wish there was a website where I could find better moral, Christian-based support. I had originally went to PFLAGs website, and it was obvious that they are all about equality and acceptance… and less about morals and values. While I will always love my 20-year-old daughter who came out to us 6 months ago, I will never APPROVE of her lifestyle. I have learned that there is a distinct difference between accepting and approving. I have to ACCEPT the fact that she is an adult making immoral decisions. I will not approve of those decisions. That, of course, is causing a rift in our relationship. We have met her girlfriend (whom she has moved out and is living with since making this life choice) on two separate occasions. She is a very nice girl, just like our daughter. Unfortunately, they are both confused and influenced by a society that says homosexuality is OK. It is NOT OK!
Kudos to Abbie who quoted Leviticus. God can’t make it any clearer. Homosexuality is WRONG!!! It IS a choice that too many young people are making. We are created in God’s image, for His glory. God doesn’t make mistakes. We CHOOSE to make mistakes.
I found out kind of by accident that my daughter is gay. She was in high school and spent the night over a “friend” house. I found out from the friends mother…then my daughter confirmed it. She is still living at home, but in college. She went to visit a friend and now wants to bring that friend home to meet me and the family. I think she may be bisexual if anything, because she still talks about having a family..having children. I really don’t know what to think. I want to talk with her about it, but I’m vrey uncomfortable about the whole thing. I thought the “sex” talk was going to be rough when she was younger…that was easy compared to this. I want her to know that there is nothing that will make me not love her, but Im not dealing with this choice of hers very well. Please Help!
I too found out about my daughter suposely gay life style, I can not accept it, I will never reconcile it with what I know Jesus is about, I love my daughter but I do not love this deception she is believing from the Devil,, Please pray for her, as I will do for all of you, thank you,NANCY
I am going through exactly through the same thing with my son age and all but he’s also slow, mentally too……..I am in despair im depress and have no one to talk to , i cry every night, he lives with me and goes away with his friend for weeks at at time, while im struggling with bills,the reality he does have disabilities being mentally developed……… and really doesnt even get it that the power is going to be shut off. Single mom,,,,,,,,who is alone with out support……… I dont need the preaching of other people views say this is ok, cause my religion says its not….. I know we have gay rights in this country, what about straight rights……… It works both ways don’t you think……I was even turned down of a job, cause i wasn’t gay…Imagine that……
I physically feel i need to talk to a doctor, i cant sleep, at all, I am a insist rape survior. I sheltered my kids from any harm,,, and now my son future is going to the toliet….. did evry thing to protect him and hes mentally slow, and just doesnt get, since all these people are telling him bunch of crap….. Me being close to him has now ended
In response to Natalie, (JUNE 10th)
When I read the disrespectful rubbish that you have written, I feel nothing but pure rage at your ignorance and arrogance towards your situation. I do not even intend to get into the religious debate, but I find it hysterical that even now, in 2010, there still exist such pathetic beliefs. In my opinion we all have one life and we should live it however we see fit.
FACT: NO ONE WHO IS GAY, CHOOSES TO BE GAY!
This rubbish you speak of people being confused, lost and misguided by the ways of modern society is ridiculous. I CHOOSE to drink alcohol, despite knowing the potential health implications of its consumption. I CHOOSE to not drive my car home after I have been drinking with my friends, but I DO NOT CHOOSE to be hit by a car whilst walking home.
Believe it or not some things are out of our hands and sexuality is no different. It is simply one of three things:
A). A genetic dispositions handed down through the process of reproduction
B). The child life to which we are exposed (role models/ the behaviour and beliefs of influential people around us)
OR
C). A combination of the pair
Given this I put forward the question of whether it is even the matter of your daughter being gay or straight that is the real issue for you? Or is it simply your inability to accept that through one way or another, you are responsible for your daughter’s sexual choice, whether that be through genetics or you parental skills.
Furthermore, I question your morals, as a ‘loving Christian mother’ who is unprepared to accept and approve of their daughter based on her sexual orientation. When you look at your daughter is all you see, a Lesbian? An immoral, confused, homosexual or are you sensible enough to see that this is just a aspect of your daughter’s life, which I’m sure is most certainly not all she is.
In truth I know that this is nothing more than wasted breath, with you being ‘one of those’ from ‘that generation’ but it just enrages me to think what your daughter would feel like if she read these comments and discovered the front you exhibit in front of her.
Regardless of your daughter’s sexuality, she is your daughter and she is a lesbian and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
Mike
I take exceptionn to being labellled as “one of those” from that generation! Years ago sure there were gay people althouth the word gay was happy as I knew it! Why don’t we call them something else I hate that word GAY! and yes if we our daughters are lesbians or sons homosexuals yes there is something wrong with that! Why do we have to accept it? My husband and I never will, our daugher is our biggest disappoitment in our lives and yes we will have to put up with it but no we will never ever accept it and if I had known she would have been a lesbian no I would not have chosen to have her as she has inflicted so much distress and misery on our family. God knows what our parents would have said about her if they had known, she was the centre of their lives and I am glad they are all dead as they would have been devasted by her if they had been alive and seen what she had become. She has recently been on a gay pride thing and when I confronted her ab out it she just looked hurt and then became stroppy when I said her dad and I don’t need to proclaim our sexuality so why does she need to state hers to everyone! Us heterosexual people need to have a march to state our sexuality and preferences, why do gays have to do this all the time! We have friends on Facebooks who perpetually have to announce their gayness to everyone and it really hacks everyone off but no one has the guts to say anything.
We are truly fed up with it all and yes there must be something wrong with it all if they all have to keep harping on about it defending themselves. We comfort ourselves that we have everything they want and that is our own sexuality which is heterosexual!! They will never have that and will keep on carrying their banners to no avail!
hello to those who seek help
i am 14 and gay… first i would like to say that being gay is not a choice… and i jut want to tell you guys my experience in hopes that it helps those who are having problems coming out or those who are coping with the BIG news your child has told you. several months ago during school i began to notice that i was having feelings for my friends… guy friends and i began to accept these feelings… true i havent had any problems with it but i will tell you this… even though i was POSITIVE my parents would accept me it was still very hard to tell them. now think parents… if it was hard for me even though i knew they would accept me imagine what your kids are going through when they question your acceptence? for you people who think god hates gays…. well i really hope you come to grips with the fact that your making your child feel ashamed andsorry for being somthing that makes them THEM. i personally am not religious… do you know why??? because you guys say jesus this and god that and it really bums me out… everybody is a living person with feelings and rights…your children love you very much and if they come out to you its because they trust you enough with this personal matter and if you reject them they WILL go to drugs and alchohol for comfert from the pain that your causing them. but i have to realize that you only want whats best and youve probably been raised to think thats wrong but if you really love them you’ll say “forget jesus and god these are my kids and i support them” and i know its easier said then done but dont give up hope there are classes and therapists that can help you deal with such a situation. do you honestly think god would like to see you at the gates and read “well lets see… mmmhhhmmm… yes… good… oh! you turned down yuor own flesh and blood… you sicken me you sick sob” they are your kids and no matter what… no matter what they say… no matter what they do they love the hell out of you so dont lose them to drugs and alchohol because it will be your falt. kids really do commit suiside because there parents make them feel like dirt. is that really what you want? your kids to kill themselves and REALLY go to hell? so take a sec to think of the whole thing from your childs perspective… i am very happy now with my 17 year old boyfriend and i think your child wants them AND you to be happy so please understand our situation and for those who decide not to take my advice and continue to spite there kids then i will laugh when you see them on the inside of the Pearly Gates and god just looks at you and stamps REJECTED onto your forhead and sends you back to Earth as a gay person so you can learn your lesson. for those who do change… thank you and i know your child apreciates the effort. gay hugs and kisses jk =P -David
I just found out my adult daughter (24) is gay. I want to be accepting but I have to be honest , I am angry and upset. I am hoping these feelings I have will change . I feel maybe I am in shock and I feel I am entitled to my feelings right now but also hope I have a change of heart towards this . I dont want to be angry..can it just be a phase I have to go through ?
May
Hi May, I think it is a normal reaction to be angry and upset. Only a couple of weeks ago in the UK an MP announced he was gay after being married for 20 years and having two children of 16 and 18 and being supported financially by his wife and it made front page news! If it was all so acceptable and great why does this happen? because it is not normal! There is so much deceit and so many lies in this way of life. It causes great misery and anguish to families that they never recover from. My other daughter keeps reassuring me of this and that we shouldn’t have to accept it. I really wish I could accept it, how much easier life would be if I could. I have no problems with others being gay, we know several people, male and female, all of whose parents have been absolutely devastated by their childrens gayness, I like these kids, welcome them in my house no problem, work with some and socialise but DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHER TO BE ONE! Hypocritical maybe but that is the way we feel and also a lot of the younger generation do too although they are too scared to admit it for fear of being homophobic, it is very trendy to be gay or bi but when it is our own sons or daughters it the worst thing to happen, I know several years on of parents who have never recovered from this so don’t feel guilty, why should we? hopefully you will move on more than we have, it had hardened me a great deal, I put myself first now and although I obviously love my daughter she is also the biggest disappointment in my life that I have ever experienced. Hopefully one day I can move forward and will meet her partners, i don’t know, she has no success with women really so we can’t really see the way forward and the attraction, she was adored by men, always had boyfriends, admirers, etc but the women she meets are through dating sites which screams of desparation to me, surely it is our older generation who has to meet people that way and most of the people she meets are butch and horrible. Our daughter has other issues too which does not make her the easiest person to know either, I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy, OK it is trendy to sleep with either sex maybe but to define oneself as gay to the same sex is devastating to families and i personally can never forgive her for all the lies and deceits she inflicted on us. She ironically used to laugh at gays, lesbians etc. sat and watched the kevin and perry sketch with us, and then wonders why we are devastated. My husband now is very upset about that fact she will never marry, have children etc. something I never thought he was worried about but when you know it is out of the question you suddenly want that option. I feel so sorry for my husband, he has aged so much because of this (sure i have too) and we have actually questioned whether we should have had kids! Seems like it has all backfired now on us! The worst thing is I know she has had a summer that she has described as hell so why!! surely love should bring you happiness, it certainly hasn’t bought her any!!
Hi All,
I have just found out my son is gay. I have found it hard on the heartstrings not for me but more the worry for him. The hardest thing for me , is that he has not told any of his friends because he feels that they will reject him. He has a lot of friends and is a very popular guy. He didn’t want this , it was given to him and there was not a choice . I love him to bits and will always support and love him. He is still the same boy that I gave birth to and have loved all these years. He is looking at moving away to a bigger place, we live in a very small town. I know it is hard to accept but do remember they still are your son or daughter and we have to love them unconditionally. I have a child who has had cancer and I know how precious life is. As for the people that think this is not Gods way … Get a life !!!!! These are your children, you gave birth to them not to reject them but to love them.. What would God think about you not accepting your own child. He is not that Shallow !!!!!!!!!
my daughter is also gay, I suspected over the course of this past spring. When confronted she admitted to it and let us know in no uncertain terms that we have to accept it. We could not nor would not. My husband has changed beyond recognition, I am extremely stressed and anxious. I was already sufferring from depression and this had made it much much worse. My daughter was not living with us and had secretly moved into an apartment with her girlfriend. I wondered why we had never been invited us to visit her there and because she had confessed to an earlier tryst with this girl-two years previously- but said it was a silly crush and finished with her as soon as we found her out and admitted our devastation. This girl hounded her, broke her down and won her prize in the end. My experience of lesbians is that they are evangelical and love to go out and convert girls like my daughter. She is a football player with a feminine team which is made up of about 75 per cent lesbians, the rest being straight. The lesbians are a laugh, but also are very insular and have converted 4 of the straight girls into their world. This seems unbeleivable, but beleive me its true. My daughter has always been extremely beautiful, but has let herself go, as if almost to conform to the standards of her girlfriend. She has now a very unhealthy looking complexion, unruly hair and a lack of interest in clothes which were always her passion.
I mourn the loss of my beautiful daughter who spoke of a successfull career and family, children and friends. I know she can still have children with this person or a future girlfriend but the path she has chosen will be fraught with pain. Judgements from the mainstream of society will hurt, she will never be wholly accepted as she would be as a heterosexual person. This hurts me beyond compare. We raised her in a very loving enviroment, I too have asked myself “where did we go wrong?” “if only we had discouraged her playing football” but the what if’s and why’s won’t change what she is. She tells us that probably she won’t always live as a lesbian, she could change her mind later on. Somehow I wish she had never said that as we live each day hoping that that day has come and she will tell us the great news that we long to hear. My husband has not spoken to her since the day she broke the news to us. He is admittedly from a very conservative background and also cares very much about his reputation. He retired two weeks after she told us and this has well and truly ruined a time in his life that he should be revelling in. He is a half man now, going about his life like a shadow of his former self. He has told no one, so is living a lie to himself and everyone else. His miserableness is tangible, it consumes him, me, and our son. Will this sufferring never end. I will never understand how she could have chosen this route, it was a choice for her, she has never displayed lesbian tendencies before and I know that if this girl had’nt entered her life then she would never have chosen this path. Any parent who does not relate to this in any degree has truly never loved their child as we did. We still do of course but something has been lost and will never be retreived. The daughter we thought we knew will never return. Anybody gay/lesbian reading this please understand that when you are a parent, especially a mother who gives birth to a child and nurtures it, teaches , nurses, mentors, shares hopes and aspirations with that child and then one sunny June day has to hear the words “Mum and dad I’m gay”
then I hope you will understand the devestation of us as parents. Everything I do and every action I take in the back of my mind is the thought of my daughter and the path that she has taken. I have first hand experience of her lifestyle choice as my husbands cousin is a lesbian and has two sons with her life partner. I can accept this for her as she is not my child, but many others cannot and she lives a rather coocooned life, not mainstream to say the least and this is definitely not what I wish for my daughter. Hypocrite, I’m sure everyone will say but that’s the way it is. I’m sure she would not wish it for herself either. I have rambled on I know, but this is the first time I have found an outlet for my feelings and already feel a great burden being eased by this revelation.
Susan, I truly do feel for you because I feel exactly the same as you. My husband is quite conservative underneath, he has aged about 15 years since my daughter spoke to us and he will not talk about anything to do with her sexuality,I even spoke to him the other day and he misunderstood what I was talking about – nothing to do with her sexuality and almost flew at me – as if it was my fault! The gays in our family are all on his side, not mine! The thing is people will find out as we have about people we have known or their children, someone always knows someone and the connection is made. I do not want to be seen as hiding I would rather tell people and explain how I feel than hide it away. My husband has told her he wants everything normal as family and does not want to know anything at all about her other life – I feel I do sometimes but have decided not to ask as whenever I have I become so upset and emotional I think I am just making my life harder and sadder as my face seems to express too easily what I am thinking or feeling. My daughter seems to have given up on clothes a little too, she is drinking more and consequently put on weight and she pursued a girl who although looked like a lesbian but apparently wasn’t so her parents too are probably feeling the same as us. She is totally obsessed with this girl who treats her very badly, they continually split up etc. and I don’t think she is seeing her at the moment but I never really know – she classes this girl as the love of her life!! the girl also has problems and it amazes me that my daughter has probably spent 90% of her time with this girl, rowing, verbally abusing each other, letting each other down etc. etc. and is still obsessed with her, and apparently she tells me that sex isn’t important with her!! and my daughter has told me she is highly sexed! Dur!!! how daft is that so what is the point of being with someone who makes you thoroughly miserable most of the time, your friends dislike, your family won’t tolerate in their home? how crazy her world has become. She told me a couple of months ago, quite nastily during a row that she wasn’t seeing this girl anymore and wasn’t I pleased? I told her probably not the best thing to say that I didn’t even care anymore and felt like adding I have no intention of seeing this girl ever again so get on with it! The one problem we have is an elderly aunt who thinks the sun shines out her *******! and we are all sorely tempted to tell her what has been going on, she has always favoured our daughter rather than other children and I feel she should know the truth but haven’t quite had the courage to tell her yet. Our daughter of course wants to keep her halo!
It is now well over a year since I found out although I suspected for eighteen months before and I do feel happier myself than I did, I focus purely on things that make me feel better, wish now I had done things a lot differently but heck I can’t change the past but I can change the future and I want one -a happy one- I try to put my daughter and all her stuff in a “box” out the way! I have done this before with unpleasant things and it does work – not all the time! but it helps.
Like you if someone had told me this would happen I would not have believed it and laughed – how can that sweet little baby turn into this strange weird person? my daughter has said that she likes men and women, just women at the moment so we are all waiting for the men to arrive!! and they are not! to be honest if they were nice men I would feel like warning them off! They are someones sons too and don’t deserved to be treated like a plaything until the next girl comes along and then cast aside!
My friends have told me my daughter is seeking my approval as she does seem to try to please me more and have also helped when she has tried to blame stuff on me. They have pointed out how she turns things around etc. and I can clearly see now when this happens and am consequently much stronger in dealing with stuff than I was. Please unburden yourself when you wish as I don’t know anywhere else to “talk” about this, could do with some people locally but don’t know of anywhere! and it does help! I don’t know if talking to a counsellor would help? has anyone done this? I must admit I still feel enormous overwhelming rage at my daughter for all this hassle, even coming on here is her ****** fault, would it help?
I’m not sure about my sexuality (I’m 15), but I hate homophobes and Christians who are too busy farting around in their little fantasy world to know that being gay is not a choice. Not something that will just change at random like the weather.
A lot of you have said stuff like “I hope he changes,” that’s not goingto happen. Grow up and get over your silly religion.
Someone awhile back brought up that verse from Leveticus.
“For a man to sleep with a man as he would a woman is an abomination.” I have two things to say about that verse. In Biblical times, men had sex. with women to express dominance. All that verse really means is don’t express dominance over other men. Another verse in Leveticus, I might add, says it’s an abomination to eat seafood. All you homophobic Bible-thumpers can stop eating their seafood right now.
David from August, I wish I knew you in real life. >__>
It’d be nice to be near a few more sane people.
Mike – I think you are confusing choice with consequences – If you choose to drink to excess and choose to walk home, getting hit by a car is a potential consequence. My daughter may not have chosen to be attracted to other women, but she chose how she would tell me about it – by leaving a very hurtful email about me open on my computer for me to find. Up until then, I thought we had a pretty good relationship. If she feels I am more reserved with her now than I used to be, it is a consequence of this and many other actions that make it difficult for me to trust what is reality between us. I get that this is difficult for her- my heart aches for her struggles. I get that it can be easier to attack those who are closest to you because it feels safer – but if this is how she chooses to deal with her own pain, that choice comes with consequences. Also, while I believe that acting on same sex attraction is a sin, I do not feel compelled to tell her every time we talk. That is neither loving nor kind. I know God loves her and their relationship is up to the two of them to work out – I have way too much stuff of my own to worry about. I just love her so much and I know she loves me. I guess that’s a good place to start from.
Wow. I read the comments and two things jump off the page…wait…three. 1) I haven’t seen a male name yet. Moms are hurt. No Dads? Amazing! 2) Everyone feels responsible! I’m not! 3) No one seems to be having quite the hatred I got. Are we males just SO freaking emotionally stifled that we won’t look for support and express ourselves? I’m a 55 year old Dad. My son tried to come out a few years (3) back and unfortunately it was tied up with other, more anti-social and diagnosable issues that we ignored the ! I’m Gay!’ because the Schizo-effective bi-polar, suicidal, cutter behavior seemed more important at the time, stupid us. Fast forward past the hospital/program/psychiatrist and the meds prescribed…some strong stuff. Family history of Bi-polar. My son’s mom was horrible when he said ‘gay’ after he raged,physically intimidated and threatened her and his girlfriend, got chucked out of school in his senior year in high school… she really did (AND HAS SAID AS MUCH!) reject him. She learned, I learned, we both made it clear that it made nothing to us whatever,he was our boy.
Supporting him 100% including blow money we sent him to college thinking he was doing well. He weaned himself off of meds, still had issues but really did pretty much OK just some quirks here and there.
Suddenly without explanation or provocation he launches Armageddon and says some of the vilest, nasty things to my wife ever heard…”what made you such a nasty, bitter, pathetic old woman…”… and when we apologize, make sure he knows we love him,so is there anything to say I went over the top, sorry I said that? No.
He had been just like every gay man I ever knew in my industry…take me like this or f off, I’ll drink til Im stupid and get high, never mind you spent $2000 in one month to get me out of jail, fix my car, pay my lawyer, give me tuition/dorm/fees…F you, you should do that and for my Mom crying all night and day for a month? Too bad.
I have prayed until I do forgive.But this boy has defined his relationship with us through his coming out…you pay, I’m Gay, deal with it. I’ll wear eye makeup and foundation, paint my nails purple, tell all my professors that my abusive parents were making me an outcast because I’m gay which, oh by the way, he NEVER defined to us we had to call friends and ask questions…this from a kid who’s been LITERALLY treated with kindness and love all his life….?
You know, kids are hard wired a certain way, and if that is gay well, it is what it is. How the hell do you support a kid who treats us both like animals while he sucks off the ‘tit’, I wonder? He didn’t like hungry much, but he feels ‘due’ anything. I’d appreciate real input from anyone. I failed this boy somewhere gay or not, he’d not have viewed us like trash to be shat upon. Thoughts?
David
Wow I’m 17 (almost 18) and gay. I don’t want to be mean but David your kid sounds like a nutcase. I could never do that to my parents (even if my dad dosent end up accepting me (I still haven’t told him). I hope most gay men aren’t like that or else I’m going to be looking very hard for me to find a partner.
Ok people, you need to ignore the postings above from “Sue”. I am a Registered Nurse and I work with many patients including gay people and both gay and straight people with HIV/AIDS. I do not believe “Sue” is a professional healthcare worker. The kind of hate and misinformation she is spreading here is not appropriate for a professional healthcare worker and most of it is not fact even though she presents it as fact. Please do not believe everything you read on the internet.
I think someone has come onto this site posing as “Sue” to spread more lies and hatred for gay people – unfortunately this happens all the time. Gay people are routinely attacked in everyday life and online is no different. As you become more aware of gay issues you will also become more aware of the constant lies and attacks, such as this, that gay people have to endure in all aspects of their lives. You may not have even been aware of these constant and often sly attacks on gay people before your family member came out to you but your gay family member has had to cope with them for years. You have to be one of the people who speak out against these lies and hatred otherwise it continues to be accepted.
If you want to damage your relationships with your gay family members & risk losing them forever then follow “Sue’s” advice and believe her lies.
If you want to support your gay family members, you may want to ignore her hateful, dishonest messages above.
Hopefully the owner of this website can delete the homophobic comments written by “Sue”. I believed the aim of this website was to support gay people and the family of gay people. There should be no place for such hateful lies, misinformation and bigotry here – there are already way too many places for that elsewhere.
David
I am sorry for your problems with your son but don’t assume all gay people behave that way. Don’t believe the stereotypes. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour regardless of sexual orientation – if you had a straight kid acting out you wouldn’t blame it on him being straight would you ?
Ok the more comments I read on this website the more I fear this site is a fraud.
NO website that was intended to support gay people and their families would allow this much homophobia to be published. This website is doing a lot of damage and the comments get worse as you scroll down.
You selfish, hateful and ignorant people need to be ashamed of yourselves. Gay people already have more stress and crap to cope with than all of you put together so stop feeling sorry for yourselves and stop typing your hatred and lies.
Well put Jason, you gave me a smile! My son is almost 15 and just told me two days ago he is bi. I dont care! However I do care that he stays happy and healthy throughout his life, he is so young and has alot to live for. He is smart and I dont want his sexual preference holding him back from the world of opportunities out there. Yes I cried but my sadness was more for him and what I imagined he would have to go through with hopes he is strong enough to survive (high school for one) I had a friend who’s son commited suicide at 17(unknown reasons), that to me is my worst fear, I could not imagine life without him. When he asked me if that was ok my reply was yes instantly. I have never wanted my kids to fear telling me anything in order to ensure their safety. I never imagined or suspected and was not prepared for it but my daughter at 15 got caught shoplifting (had a whole summer of dealing with taht for no other reason other then her friends did it, I did not expect that eigther but I got through that with her and this is nothing more then another part of life we have come across that is not a cookie cutter picture. It’s them figuring out right from wrong, how to live happy and honestly and to their fullest potential. as it was THREE days ago. There are things I imagine that all parents have to deal with that is out of there hands as this is, but the way I see it is he could also end up with some girl that treats him horrible and he lives miserable (and I wishing he did not end up with her). I think everyone needs to find there own way of moving past situations that are out of the “whats thought of as normal” vision of the future that we piture for them the day they are born. “life is like a box of chocolates” We are not suppose to choose their partners in life, that is out of our control. I just hope he finds someone when he grows up that makes him happy.
I am a mother whose only son has admitted that he is bi-sexual, or gay. He never really seems to make up his mind and sometimes he says he likes girls. One thing that is consistant is that he blames me. I do not understand that at all. He says I am gross and always moody and those are the reasons he is gay. I find that offensive. I am not sure if mothers are supposed to be “hot” to their teenage boys but I can understand moody. I raised him a single mother, I worked 40 plus hours a week, gave him everything he wanted and was always there for him. Now its like I am some kind of stranger and he is upset with me even when I try to be gender correct with him (out of respect for his sexuality – at the moment) What do parents say or do for these children who in my opinion just think they are gay but maybe they really are not and what do you say when they blame you for being gay. I feel trapped too! I feel sad, let down, betrayed, confused, angry and heartbroken. What do I do?
WOW I am not alone!I have just been told by my 17 year old son that he is gay/bi also!I am floored!I had thought if one of my boys were this that it would not change but I just want to sit here and cry cry cry!life has been so hard for him and he picks a lifestyle that will keep making his life hard!I have sheltered this kid all my life,he doesn’t even go out with friends or anything.I am hurting for him and I am scared to have him around his 12 year old brother now.He’s has mental issues along with this new news!I don’t know how to deal with this I cannot tell anyone I think my husband will die if I told him so I have to keep it too myself! He said he likes more than 2 partners I am just shocked! I can’t even tell you when he could have had sex he’s NEVER been out of my sight ever!only to go to school and church!I am gonna need some help with this one!
Help me
His “thanks to you” is his personal, internal suffering of something that was NOT his or anyone’s choice? Yeah; I’m sure he is dragging himself through hell just to shove it in your face, because YOU can’t accept it. Imagine how hard it is for him.
Your views are disgusting, and you need to remove that hate-filled ignorance through proper education in order to have any sort of working relationship with your child. It doesn’t mean that you have to watch him do anything; but just accept he’s going to love who he’s going to love — no one can change that. Right now, your son sounds better off WITHOUT you; and that’s an extremely heavy thing to say (you’re his MOTHER). You’re the issue right now, it’s not his sexuality.
It’s going to take some time to come to grips with it completely; that’s understandable, he went through exactly the same thing. Just know that you have the choice to be ignorant, he doesn’t have the choice of who he is. Just be proactive in understanding, that’s all you can do. His sexual orientation does not change who he is, it’s just a part of who he is.
I am 20 years old, and live in a conservative family. I talked to my mom, which we are pretty close or used to be, I am gay and I talked to her about 6 months ago about me and she flipped out and told me she would never support me. My father would kick me out, I live with my parents. I tell people I trust-friends mostly. I wonder daily about if I am chicken for hiding it? But I do not want to hurt my parents or hurt myself but I am at the breaking point. What should I do?
I am a Christian mother of a Lesbian daughter. I can say I did not handle it well. I kept a journal of my feelings – went into a depression – and researched everything I could about the community she was now a part of.
I took my journal and turned it into a book – “My Name is Kathie and My Daughter is a Lesbian: From Bible Verses to Rainbow Stickers.”
I have a website – http://www.kathiehynes.com – where you can share your story, comment on the blogs, and find friends who are in the same position.
I love this website we are on now – it is really important to reach out to others in the same position and these forums are the best!
My daughter is the same as she was the day before I found out she was gay. She is intelligent, productive, full of life and laughter. I cannot imagine my life without her. I was devastated, sure….but I cannot imagine a life that would not include her. She allowed me to ask any and all questions and she would answer them honestly. I was able to know her better, know who she was hanging around with, and was grateful for all of it.
As for friends? I wanted to dislike them all, however, I fell in love with all of them. Ask questions, keep your son close. He hasn’t changed, you have. And the relationship you once had will return. He must be suffering terribly and I so must you. I have been there, experienced it all, and I am here to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel that will shine on both of you forever!!!!
I am a mother of a 16 year old gay boy. I grew up in a society where homosexuality is more accepted than in the US. I accept the fact and I only found out 3 days ago. I was always suspicious thou and it came as no surprise when I found out. It was still a shock, but no surprise.
The only thing that really bothers, hurts and worries me, is his father who does not understand, nor will he even TRY to accept it. But I hope once time passes and he can get his thoughts straightened out, he’ll be more understanding.
To all you parents of gay children – you want to die? Are you kidding me????? This is the most rediculous thing I’ve ever read. You are ashamed of your children??? Come on… really? You parents suck – really. I know homo. is stamped as “bad” and “immoral”, but in todays society its more acceptable than you think. Your children know for years and years before they even tell you. Why? Because they are afraid to hurt you but fact is fact and you need to, at least try to, accept and understand. Please!!!
Good morning, I had to respond to “Hard to Accept”. My 19 year old son just came out to me a few hours ago. I have not slept, I have cried til I can hear my heart beat in my head. I feel such sorrow for what will never be. But I love my son! I don’t resent him, never that I just fear what he will endure from our family. I am of Jamaican decent and our people are extremly intolerant of homosexuality. What makes it hard is watching my husband try & reason with him that he has a choice, & he can chose not to be gay! It’s tearing me apart because I feel the same but I know it’s not true. My son told me he contemplated suicide just so he would not have to tell me. He is so afraid of disappointing me. He has been in Gifted since 2nd grade & has excelled at everything he did. He sees this as a let down because of all the things I used to speak about him hopefully marring a girl I liked, ha the jokes on me! I love my son, & there is nothing on earth I would not do for him. When he needed braces, he got braces, he needed glasses, he got glasses, if he was sick I took care if him til he was better, I can’t fix this. Is there anything that needs to be fixed or is it just me? I was raised a Roman Catholic, I was not as hard on my kids as my parents where on me when it came to Church & I wonder if it is my fault. I know that is not the case, there is no fault or blame, there us no doubting if this could be a mistake & he is just confused. If he felt he had to tell he had to be sure. I pray for strength to be the support he is going to need because his Dad who us not his biological father is so angry. I guess he feels like he failed to raise him to be a man. I don’t feel that way, but I did ask myself would I trade his intelligence for him to be straight? Not if he would not be happy, all I want is what I always wanted for my only son, for him to be health, successful, happy & most importantly LOVED!
My son told us this past week. My wife and I are both dealing with feelings of anger and sadness. I don’t love him any less after his disclosure. I realize it took courage to tell us. I accept him as he says he is. But I don’t like it and I don’t know that I ever will.
I am proud of him for many reasons. He’s been through a lot in his life. But I don’t believe you will ever find me near a gay pride parade.
He directed me to this website. I see that there are plenty of people going through the same thing. That doesn’t make it any easier. In some ways it makes it worse that we are in the very small percentage of parents that have to endure this.
My son says times have changed and his generation is more accepting. I don’t believe that for a minute. Why should his generation be any different than any of the thousands before it?
Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I have no one to talk about this to except my wife, and she is as bent out of shape as I am. I would never talk about this to friends or family.
Hey, im a 32 yr ole single mommy of three kids. my oldest son is 13 i opened his laptop today to see what he’d been up too and found nothing but gay porn i calmly talked to him and we discussed short topics so not stress each other too much too soon. big shocker my seeing his doing lol. kinda…anyway. my baby and I talked again later and hes not sure he is gay says he doesnt want to be. hes 13 ive been googling all night looking for support for him someone he can talk to. i dont want to push him in either direction as hard as this is for me its harder for him im so lost and confused so is he. Ive no other family and his father been gone for years if anyone has ANY ideas where to look for help im so scared for him and honestly im scared for myself. i talked to my now boyfriend and we broke up because he has a 14 yr ole son he doesnt want around him fine whatever i just need a little support here please.
Sounds like you are at a critical point in your future relationship with your son and he is at a critical point in his life of finding out who he is and his place in this world. My only advice is to give him time, support and love. I’m sure that’s all he would ever ask for. With time, maybe he can figure out who he is and you can find it in your heart to accept him for the way he was made. Gay, Straight or Bisexual.
I am a 34 yr old gay male. I’ve been with my partner for almost 11 years now. I must congratulate your son for having the courage to come to you and talk to you about this. He definitely had more courage than I did. I took the route of NOT telling my parents and practically banishing them from my everyday life out of fear. It wasn’t until 4 or 5 years into our relationship that my mom finally accepted him as one of the family and she and I have gotten closer ever since.
If you resent your son, at some point he is going to know it and maybe even start pushing away from you out of fear that you don’t accept him. Don’t make the same mistake we did and miss out on so many years of each others lives.
And to the Christian family members in the crowd. A movie called “Prayers for Bobby” really touched me. It’s a worst case scenario, but not uncommon. Love your children because they are your children. Do you really need any other reason?
sherry
As awful as you may feel: your son feels worst: As disgusted as you say you feel-there are others who hate gays. Your son does not need a mother who selfishly talks about how bad his homosexuality is on her. What your son needs is your acceptance because after all-he is still the child you help once in your belly for 9 months. The only disgusting act of homosexuality is the people who look at being gay “as a choice”. How dare you stand there and judge your adult son for the way he was born. You are no better than Hitler when he killed the Jews and the gays! If you are so miserable with his life style than maybe you should get yourself checked and corrected because he is a normal 19 years old. Get over it and accept him or this will be the biggest mistake of your life. Be happy he is not dead on the streets and pray some racist hateful person does not look down with hate towards him-wait that is what you are doig…
Pretty much all’s been said already, but the hell: you’re an egoist! And I mean a BIG one. How dare you have expectations of anyone concerning their sexuality? Maybe you should’ve considered not risking your lifestyle before your son was conceived, not afterwards. You should’ve been responsible 19 years ago, before you got pregnant in a mindless act.
Hi, my son came out to us recently, he is 22 years old and was in Spain at the time. He had told his sister several weeks before he told us. I have to say that I had suspected he was gay from the time he was about 9 years old but just kept praying that he was just not as rough and tough as other little boys. When he came out I felt like someone just punched me in the gut, it was a good thing he was in Spain for about 6 weeks before I seen him. This gave me a chance to let it all soak in. My husband and I know that his life will be more difficult but our job as parents is to be there for our children and love and accept them no matter what.
He cannot change who he is and we what him to be happy and accept himself
I also recently found out that my 26 year old son is gay or bisexual. He says that we can’t “categorize” him into any sexual orientation. I guess that means he can do what he wants with whoever he chooses. Anyway, my older son who is 29 is pure heterosexual and has had many girlfriends. He had leukemia back in 2009 and during this difficult time had a girlfriend who stayed right by his side even when he lost all his hair. She kept him happy and helped maintain his positive outlook. When he was out of the hospital he asked if she could stay overnight for a few days. Considering all she did for him my wife and I agreed. They are still together to this day and she continues to stay over when my son is on his days off from work. My younger son now wants to have his gay friend also get to stay over since his older brother has his girlfriend do it all the time. I try to understand and not judge my bisexual son but it makes me stressed out even just thinking about it. he knows we live him no matter what, but I don’t want lifestyle “in my face”. My stomach gets in knots and I can’t sleep and think it is selfish of him to put me through this kind of stress. My home should be a tranquil retreat and no one should bring something here that would upset anyone else. He claims it is a double standard and I agree. If he had a girlfriend I would have no problem with her staying over but another guy just isn’t right. If it were me I would never even consider upsetting my parents if they were uncomfortable. Is it wrong to insist that he doesn’t bring this lifestyle to our house so I don’t end up with a heart attack? How can I explain that this is not good for my health to be stressed out and trying to force the issue is a bit selfish of him?
Hi name is Ana, i never thought i would be brave enough to write this………. And here i am so here is my story. I have four beautiful boys six,ten and elleven and a 18 yr old son who doesnt live in my home my oldest son and i have a rocky relationship sad enough but at 15 he decided to tell me he was gay he was nervious and yes i could imagine how much curage that takes BUT i was devistated!!!!!! shock mad confuesd all the ubove i felt it was my fault for not trying harder etc i couldnt stop crying i felt hes confuesd ill let it be wont talk about it i wanted to act as if it never happen and i did but he felt that thats who he is was born like this and its no ones fault and told everyone lives it defends it today he is 18 has a guy friend who he lives with we really dnt speak and iam still crying and yes i worrie about what people say and think hes my son I LOVE MY SON NOT HIS CHOICE and refuse to tell his brothers i will not hurt them they luv him so much i just cant. I do tell my younger boys never judge anyone i give sinerios such as what if u had a gay cousin type quetion their answer i would be imbarused mom so i teach them never judge anyone love youur family, friends except like god does and yet i cant!!!!!!! I hurt inside and know he does also and i pray some day i cn come to terms with my son being gay but rite now i havent words are easly said when im tolds except except but its not that easy..truly a torn mother.
A rather interesting read and view from the parternal side. I’m 26 years of age and am a gay male. To this day, I have not yet come out to my parents. My friends, work colleagues and other family members know that I am gay. Telling my parents I’m gay is not going to be an easy task. I do know that my parents are aware and may suspect I am gay as my uncle told them that he thinks I am. In 2007 I went to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. My parents knew about this, but weren’t too happy about it. Before leaving for the Mardi Gras my father asked me If I liked other guys private parts up me. I was completely shocked by this and so my in a haste reaction I answered no. To this day, not much has been mentioned to me about being gay.
I recommend all people watch a movie called Prayers for Bobby. I believe it will make some parents think twice about how they treat their gay children. For some, if not most parents, I believe it’s the lack of education or views that were cast upon yourselves as a child that makes you think it is your fault and that being gay is a sin. I believe we all need to wake up and open our eyes.
I just want to know what you expect your gay child to do. They can’t change their sexual orientation any more than you can, and we know by your comments of how it disgusts you that you wouldn’t be able to change your sexual orientation. That being the case, i know you wish it was different, but thats because society is largely bigoted towards homosexuals and you don’t want to be embarrassed. Doesn’t that sound selfish? Shallow? What about your child’s right to live, happily, fall in love, make a difference in this world? They can’t even begin a journey towards happiness without your support because embarking without you leaves so much behind. Don’t make them choose between pleasing you and their own personal happiness and mental well being. Understanding will come in time if you’re open to it. If you’re not, there will only be heartache, hurt feelings, and losses that may never be regained. Don’t let intolerance, hatred, bigotry and prejudice be in charge. Don’t be limited in your ability to love and accept others. Challenge yourself to expand your ability to accept and love others. It’s opportunity to grow, and won’t you feel better that you have opened your arms wider than they have ever been opened before, and that the love and acceptance you have been able to offer others has lifted someone up versus making them feel ashamed, unlovable, alone, desperate, scared, and ultimately bitter and rebellious? Parents have a tremendous influence on their children’s lives, and I have witnessed first hand the effects of parents from both ends of the spectrum. Please dig deep and tap into the love, acceptance and compassion that only a parent possesses. You don’t want to look back years down the road and wishing you had. Don’t create regrets today that you most likely will not be able to get rid of tomorrow.
Thanks for reading…
i wished mum accepted me just the way i am.i am so heart broken.if only she knows how hurt i am with all of her actions.shes knows it,but still continues to hurt me.she rather loose me than her status in society.
I loved finding this blog as I feel it is so important to have a place for parents to go and talk about their feelings when they have three children, two of whom are gay.
When I first found out, I had many of the same feelings as those of you who wrote here. I wondered what my husband and I had done wrong. I felt I had given my children the a stable loving upbringing and did not know why this happened.
I realized that from the day I first held these children, I started to dream of what they would be like when they grew up and when they came out, it was that dream that I had to grieve, not the children who I love dearly.
All parents have dreams of their childrens futures and work to that end, but I realized, the dream was mine and my husbands and we had raised them to find their own life.
I don’t believe that being gay is a choice, I personally feel it is like having blue eyes or red hair.
My husband and I now are two very lucky parents with three wonderful adult children. They contribute to society, they have rich happy lives and all that any parent hopes for.
Ultimately, accepting the loss of our dream and loving our three children as we always have has brought richness to our lives. Our family has expanded with their loved ones and friends.
My husband recently had a appendicitis and his appendix burst. I was away with my daughter and I called my son’s partner and asked if he would go to the hospital and be with my husband as my son was not able to get to the hospital right away. The two of them took wonderful care of him and after the surgery the doctor went to my husband and said “you are so lucky to have those two sons, they are wonderful people”. My husband told the doctor it was his son and his partner and the doctor told my husband he was a very lucky man to have such great people in his life. She was right!
The most pain that having two gay children has brought me is the knowledge that so many gay people are distanced or disowned by their families for being gay.
Anyone who would like to talk about having gay children can email me at mac10076@aol.com
@John at 3:32 am
Thanks for taking the time to write what you did. It helped me understand what my son must be going through and how he looks to us as his parents to accept him for what he is, not for what we wish he was. It’s extremely hard to deal with this issue but I’ll think of your words when I need reassurance. Thank you
Let me start by saying i,m new to this. My 14 year old son came out to me around 2 months ago. It didn,t come as too much of a surprise, it was something i had always suspected, but never wanted to aknowledge. My personel view is that someone’s sexual orientation is nothing to do with any one else, if your son or daughter feels the need to ‘come out’ to you, you should be proud that they have told you, they need to feel valitated, they need you as a parent to accept them for what they are. As a mother i love my son unconditonally and i don’t want to know about his sex life whether he is homosexexual or hetrosexual…..as long as he is happy and healthy…all is fine. Love your kids for what they are, and for the fact they have the strength and the guts to tell you that they are not what you thought they should be. Ana… don,t be torn, be proud of your son for what he is, be proud that he had the guts to tell you he is ‘gay’. Im sure his brothers would be fine with it, you should tell them. I am proud that my son had the trust and knew that we loved him that much to tell us he was gay. Looking at other views from parents i can understand that you might find it difficult to accept BUT please don’t be disgusted, confused yes, give it time, it gets better. Maybe im a mum in a million, i accept, yes i ask questions, i place no blame and i love him uncondionally. x
I would like to address the parents of someone who has recently or in the past came out. It really upsets me that some of you have this “WHAT ABOUT ME?” attitude about this. As a parent you were created to love your children unconditionally. That is why in the beginning you should put aside any of your selfish and judgemental ways when a child of your own has had the COURAGE to tell the ones that raised them that they are gay. I can tell you it is not an easy topic for either side. But, it is more so hard for the child coming out. There is always a FEAR that THEIR OWN PARENTS or FAMILY will disown them for something they really have no control over. It is NOBODY’s fault they are gay. So quit taking it so PERSONAL!!! Go into these kind of conversations with an open heart and ear…and be accepting of the children you gave birth to and raised. If you feel it neccessary to CONDEMN them or just want to ask questions…WAIT TILL THE NEXT CONVERSATION!!! Trust me there will be a lot of them!! They are going to need the support system. As long as you can continue to show them the love that you are EXPECTED to give them as their parents, they should have the desire to open up to you. Then at that point YOU can have YOUR feelings about the situation VALIDATED. Check out PFLAG, they can surely provide you support with what it is your feeling. Just don’t cast down your judgements and opinions on the child just because you don’t understand where you think you went wrong. Remember, it isn’t your fault!! JUST LOVE YOUR CHILD UNCONDITONALLY!!!
Hey,Shery
HE IS YOUR SON!!!
GET OVER ‘IT’.
Look for whatever you need to do for yourself to be happy in life – then let your child BE.
I wish you BOTH well x
Jackie
I found out my 16 year old son was Gay when he tried to kill himself…he went without sleep for days his grades were dropping his brother had gone off to college and I was working 2 jobs he was alone. I had him admitted to a psych hospital because of his mental state. We all went in to counseling and the end of the day I had to accept what I could not control but I had a few request that he has respected. First and foremost he is a Man no matter who he loves I expect him to behavior as such. He deserves to be loved and respected sometimes you have to demand that from people but oh well respect of God, self and society are important. Allow him to grow and mature keep reminding him that you love him and maybe dont agree with his lifestyle. But at the end of the day…accept what you can not change,
Sherry, you don’t have an argument. His life is his to live. It’s your American duty and law to raise him as your child. If he is gay then that is that. In your generation the media did their best to inform people and scare people from the gay lifestyle and your fears are apart of this. But if your son is running around as a straight male he is in just as much danger as any permiscous person. No special attention goes to him because he is gay. Be honored he is admitting it to you. Most men that contract stuff are the straight males who are scared to mention anything to anyone but fornicate in private on the weekends with the same sex. So by your son telling you, he at least can go through life without living a lie and having 4 kids then suddenly changing teams. Would love to know how your coping with it. My mother to the same “it’s all about me” approach too. She feels the same as you. But it’s selfish to think your child’s world is based around you. Your also ashamed of taking care of him as if he were gay you would’ve fed him. Nothing’s changed. He’s your child. His sex life has nothing to do with you.
I did not read all of the responses here, but I felt compelled to write something. My 16 year old son “came out” last year. He had a boyfriend for a brief period of time, and my husband and I were outwardly very accepting, and still are. Deep in my heart, it grieves me, but NOT BECAUSE I THINK BEING GAY IS WRONG, OR EVEN A CHOICE. Deep in my heart it grieves me because of the persecution in society that he will face for his entire life.
As I read through the first 15 or so messages here, I felt for each of the mothers struggling with this. But part of what struck me was that, instead of fighting against this persecution, they have bought into it. They have accepted society’s terms for what is normal and right. Some of the mothers talk about the lifestyle being “sick.” One nurse gave INCORRECT information about the health aspect (and I can say that, as I am a doctor). All of it just made me so sad. I feel as if we should band together as parents and fight against these very ideas. I feel that we should be able to be strong and fight for our children. I know deep in my heart that my husband and I, who have a great marriage and have provided a happy home for our children, have done nothing to “cause” this. I know deep in my heart that my husband was born this way. And, in the words of Lady Gaga, GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES. We are Christian (Catholic, in fact), and very religious; but I disagree with the Churches’ stance on homosexuality. The Bible has things against it, but JESUS HIMSELF NEVER SPOKE AGAINST IT. I do believe that gays, just like straights, have a place, a vocation and a purpose for our world. I just don’t think society has come to a place to understand or recognize that. But we as parents have to be accepting, loving, understanding and fight for our children. Otherwise, the sin is on us.
I am quite taken with the grief parents feel when their children comes out of the closet. All thou I feel that thees feelings you are having regarding gay lifestyle and choosing it ,is a bit of a over the top for the fact that it looks like most of you parents have a pre conceded notion that firstly this is a lifestyle and that your children are choosing it. All that your children are choosing is to be honest to you as a parent,and to start being honest to you and themselves in order to have a honest and true full live without pulling the wool over your eyes.
If you can grasp that then you are halfway there,as for lifestyle this will determine how they live,will go back to you as a parent on the morals and values you have installed in your kids from a young age.Just because little jonney told you he is gay does not mean he is a pervert. If you think about it ,you should as a parent pat yourself on the back cause your children felt so safe and warm with you that they were able to tell you!!!
Parents now that your kid has told you and you are in shock you should always remember that this is the same kid you had yesterday ,the same kid you loved yesterday ,and the fact that he told you ,shows how much he loves you ,For him to have “come out “to you means he totally trusts you and feels safe and loved.
Your child needs your acceptance cause before he told you he was conflicted by his /her feelings,this. Would have been the worst part cause if you are brought up in a society were you are confronted with the stereotypes like its not moral its a sin its abomination and this is the stereotypes most of you mothers put out their and this is what you are saying.for your kid to tell you something like this in the face of all that makes your kid probably one of the braves people that you will encounter in your life!! Again pat yourself on the back!!!!
It will take time for you to get use to this honesty but later on you will realize that this was for the best!!!
The alternative is horrible ,let’s see your kid could have not tell you ,this would have ment that he/she chose to lie , now we are not talking. Small lie here we are dealing with a lie that will shape the rest of his life!!!
I urge you to love your child ,like when he/she was born ,you know without any exclusion ,
I also have to mention this there is no reason to be ashamed of you gay child ,the fact that you know he or she is gay makes you n GOOD parent,o and for the religious people out their JESUS loves you and your child jesus came to us to heal men,and woman’s hearts not to exclude people and he does this with LOVE ,he took people who were tarnished in society and included them in his LOVE this was his fundamental reason he came to us and then we killed him for it. Cause he does want you and your child to have love in life. he wants to see you happy. The question that remains do you want to be happy ,and do you want to see your child happy . Or are you going to exclude you child and exclude Yourself
Is there a christian mom who is dealing with her son coming out. I have an 18 year old and i am devastated and need to know if there is a support group out there?