Gay Son Concerns
Dear everyone, who is is the same boat. My son Adam who is 26 years of age, a delightful,friendly and very “adult” man, came to me 2 weeks before Fathers Day, and told me he was Gay.I was elated, for being a Mother, you just know. From the age of 16 years I knew, but new it up to him to tell me. Unfortunately, my marriage broke up because of a handicapped son Ben who would have been 28 this year, he died when he was 10. I have another son, 22 Luke, is just so “into”girls. I do not know how many he has had since he was 16.
Anyway, when Adam told me I was just so glad for he was “set free” and to live life, with me hoping to meet his friends. I never met his friends, and all was very suspicious with his “love life” so I was relieved when he told me. Adam was scare to go to his father, but I told him that it was best he found out from Adam and no one else.
His father took it, however, Adam is in hospitality, and doing very well, however, he was leaving Sydney to go to the Brisbane Hilton. He was there for three weeks, after leaving his friends and “partner” in Sydney. He was feeling lonely and lost and missing his “partner’ and so I go a phone call last Thursday from Adam saying that he was in Sydney, saying that Alex had been “drugged raped” I just could not get my head around all of this for I am not into drugs, Adam isn’t and I just asked how did it happen. Apparently the gay bars are full of this and I just told him to be careful, and make sure Alex was tested.
Alex was just so pleased to see Adam at the airport, and it was just so beautiful, that these “gay guys” really do feel that emotion. I was pleased and was going to fly to Sydney to see what I could do. I was then told there was nothing and it was best for them to work it out His father is absolutely balistic, that Adam now wants to go back to Sydney, and is probably wanting to disinherit dear Adam.
I am at logger heads, as who to turn to for I am not ophay with type of new “sexual explotations” and it is all so new in all directions. I told Adam not to tell his father about the “drug rape” as he would be down in a flash and just doing what he does best and just takes over, rants and raves and just does not see a clear picture. Anyway this is my story, and if any of the readers of this can help me that would be great Cheers Lindy Garfield
I can relate very well My husband and I could see that our son had choosen the gaylife style but as open as we tried to be our son( 20) would not open up to us.Recently he came home and suddenly disappeared with phone in hand The fear of the unknown is so difficult.So I appraoched our son and asked if he was Ok ?I then shared that we knew of his lifestlye choice,It was like having the difficult but needed talk about Sex we have to give to all our children.He actually seemed grateful that I spoke up .we had a very open discussion about safety and he assured me he is always careful about meeting partners .I was saddened to hear how he struggled with issues of family and his place as the only male to carry on family name and he worked this out all alone over a long painful time.Now I can adjust and he knows we can talk about it all He seemed very releaved.I feel confident he will reach out o us if he needs us for whatever lies ahead.I believe all parents want that .Glad the group is here for me and you
As a psychotherapist and researcher of gay and lesbian families, I find it indeed heartwarming to read about such accepting parents. I also think it is a big plus for both of these families that their children can speak openly to them about issues of sexuality and safety.
Lindy, I am sure it is indeed frightening to learn that your son’s partner was a victim of a drug rape. Though I do not believe this is terribly common, reports of date rape drugs have surfaced in both straight and gay venues in the U.S. My personal experience in clubs and bars in New York City is that patrons are careful to keep a sharp eye on their cocktails, never leaving them unattended, and unfortunately, it seems like Adam and Alex have learned this lesson the hard way.
My research and psychotherapy experience has taught me that in families with good parent-child relationships, young-adult children, even gay children, feel an obligation to their parents to stay healthy and safe. Thus, Lindy and the previous writer might want to have a talk with their sons, telling them how much they love them, how pleased they are that thier sons confided in them and also how upset they would be if any harm befell them. Since they are adults, try to have a dialogue (no preaching!) about safety issues and ask your children what they do to keep themselves safe. Use humor such as: “Help your dear mother sleep better at night.” or “You know, I have to ask about these things–it is a requirement on my “mother’s license.”
I hope that helps. Again, my admiration goes out to both of these parents (and their sons) for establishing and maintaining such accepting, open relationships.
Dr. Michael LaSala
Rutgers University
http://www.michaellasala.com
http://www.comingoutcominghome.com
Hello i was reading every body blog and it was very interesting.My mother is not supportive.I ask her about why and she thinks being gay is the worst sin a person can do against God.I dont agree.I belive God created me just the way he wanted me.Even though i have had no support at all.I know that iam not alone in this.Sucide rates are very high with gay people simply because no one will listen to there cry and be a soupport.It breaks my heart into to know this still goes on.Some people dont belive in a thing called brain washing.But let me tell you it is very real.partents need to hear there children.we are people not aliens nor diease freaks or any other nasty thing they want to call us.I wish there was support groups in every town city every where for people that like us need to be heard.
May God Be with Everybody Who struggles in this world.
HI Debbie,
Thank you for this wonderful blog. I write about my own son and the struggles of having a child who has borderline personality disorder. He is also gay and I have written about that in some of my blogs. We have always been accepting of his sexual identification, as has the rest of our family. What is shocking is that even in one of the most liberal cities in the world he is still the victim of sexual harassment. I would like to help him help himself so that is less of an issue. Please read my blog so you will get a better idea of what I am talking about. I will continue to read yours and thank you for the support this offers. www. normalisjustaword.com
My son has just recently come out to the family, 2 days ago to be exact. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under us. I personally being the mom,always had that gnawing feeling, even though he dated girls all of his adult life. I always felt he was holding back and not being his true self. I will admit even though I always suspected, no one else did. He acts and looks straight. I am so proud to finally find the courage to come to us. my husband as you well can imagine even though he hugged and cried with him, is having a really hard time. he thinks he doesn’t have to tools or the knowledge to help him. I told him, our son doesn’t need help! he knows what he wants now! He’s set himself free, and now he needs to live as he wishes. I’ve come to understand what it took him to come out after 28 yrs. and when the day comes that he will finally meet someone that will love and appreciate him for the wonderful man he is, I hope I’ll be part of his life.
I think your website is great. My daughter is a lesbian. She’s 17 years old and she’s known since sixth grade. She’s reecently came out to the entire family. Although I’ve known for years her father just found out. I’m trying to support her in any way I can. I do place rules on her as if she was dating a guy. She thinks I’m being unfair because she wants to have her girlfriend stay the night. Well she’s still a minor and id treat this as if she wanted a male to sleep over. Am I being too strict? She’s angry with me and thinks I should let this happen. I’m confused. Should I allow it? I know this is a comment page but maybe my question can help someone else in some way. So basicly I treat the realationship as any other realationship. Dating is allowed but no over night. She thinks I’m unfair I don’t know I am only trying to set guidelines. I love and accept my daughter I just want her to have rules.
Just popping by the site and I must say it’s lovely to see so many parents who love their children no matter what!
Net; as a female I very much remember puberty and irritation at the laws even though before I had a partner. I don’t think the law should have the final say on a girl’s right to her own body.
What IS important is that she’s not rushing things. I’d suggest you talk to her about that. The important thing to remember is that people take sex differently; is she sure she wants to do this? Is she sure her partner wants to? Are they both doing it for the same reason (e.g. love or fun or experimentation)?
I personally find sex very empowering, but some people regret things and that’s something to watch out for. The law’s input is not as important as those from the brain, hormones (nature’s way of telling you when), and heart.
I just found out tonight that my 17 year old son is gay. He told me, and I was supportive, but sure have a lot of different feelings inside. Help, please you Moms that have been here before me!
I do not understand how people can be so cruel to anyone. I am a gay woman and did not come out until I was in my later 30′s. I can tell you that I am so happy and alive. I think it is very important for those families of kids coming out to just know how precious they are. Thank you for supporting your son and knowing love knows no limits.
Hi There!
First, I LOVE your blog!!! I just wanted to share something with you that might be of interest. It’s a short film I’ve been working on called “The Maiden and The Princess,” starring David Anders and Julian Sands. It’s about a little girl trying to come to terms with her sexuality amidst a musical fairytale
We’re trying to raise money to get the film out there on the festival circuit, and get us through the final stages of post production!
If you could post it on your blog, that would be AMAZING!!!!
Here’s the link to our kickstarter campaign: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1396193475/the-maiden-and-the-princess
Thank you SO much!
Ali Scher
I can tell you, it is very hard for a child to come out. I am 22 and still haven’t came out to my parents. Its not that I don’t want it, its just that the fear is still so real in me. My mothers asked me twice now if there is something she should know about me. ( I played stupid here) and she told me that no matter what that I will always have her love. She asked me yet again today if I wanted to tell her something ( this was after a talk about something I had writen) I told her no, why on the inside I was screaming YES!!!! Once again she told me that no matter what, I would always have her love and why she may not aprove of choices I make in my life that she would always love me and support me (I’m still trying to work through that one)
Myself, I know if she came right out and asked me I wouldnt lie to her. However I don’t think I can come right out and tell her. I still have this fear that it will change everything and I’m ready for it…just Im not sure if I am ready for EVERYONE in my family to know. I come from a big family that is very close to extended family. I know many wont acept it do to religon. Im not ready to hear my family to talk bad/against me. I have worked to hard and came so far (believe it or not) to work through the whole christan thing and being gay at the same time. I would have loved to talk to someone about it yet I couldn’t. It would have been much easier to have had help instead of doing it on my own. However I had this box I lived in.
After I worked through that issue, and came to terms YES I was gay I looked for someone to talk to. I most online sites I found didn’t help at all. What I really wanted was a mother (Im a moms boy) that had a gay son to talk to. I wanted to know that there was just ONE other out there that made it out and had a supportive mother. I wanted to ask questions and learn what I should expect and for them to tell me that in the end it would be ok. I needed the support and found nothing like that. Once again I was lost and felt alone. I have had many friends that I have talked to about these issues. They have been there for me when I felt beaten down.
To this day I have yet to tell her. I know she knows, Im not dum lol. Just I can’t find my voice to come out and tell her, I just wish she would ask. Im sure shes just waiting for me to tell her…. Boy aren’t we going somewhere fast lol.
Hi everyone.
Our son came out nine months ago at the age of 26 and it is an afternoon that I never want to go through again. I was not sad from a homophobic perspective, but from a fear of the unknown, of discrimination, of bullying, and at 26 I thought that he had his life sorted. Nobody wants their children to have a life more difficult than it has to be. And on that same afternoon I have never been more proud of my Husband in how he held our son and told him how much we loved him and how there was nothing he could ever do or say that would change our love for him.
Lucille (message above), I felt physical pain for about two weeks and cried off and on for about three months, and I still have my sad teary moments, but it gets better. I wanted my Son back, and bit by bit after talking to him I realised that he was still the same person, in fact I finally realised that what we had was a happier version of our son, happiness that I hadn’t seen in him for a long while.
I did a lot of research during the first couple of weeks and I read a book by Shelley Argent from Brisbane Pflag. The following site will give you lots of really great information, but it was her book ‘Opening the Door, A Mother’s Journey When Her Son Comes Out’, which was invaluable to me over those first few weeks. The link is below to the Brisbane Pflag (Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays) website…
http://www.pflagbrisbane.org.au/resources-multimedia/publications-ebooks
I am currently (Aug 2011) a regular to Canberra (Australia) lobbying MPs on the Gay Marriage issue. This is for me is more about discrimination and equality than anything else, my son may never want to marry, but I am fighting for him (and all Australian gay people) to have the same rights as his/their straight siblings, and that is the right to marry if they so choose. Wish me well and contact your local Federal MP if you agree.
So this is how I’m trying to make my son’s world better.
Being gay is not a choice, it is who they are. Nobody would choose to take the hard road.
My love goes out to all parents and gays who are finding it difficult.
My 29 year old son came to me with the news that he is Gay. I love him no matter what – nothing can change my love and support to him. However, I feel like I did something wrong.I just want to cry because I know the road ahead of him will not be easy. Please let me know I am not alone and what I can do to help him with this very big declaration.
Elizabeth
My 13yr old son just came out to me, today. It was an adjustment to take it all in, but I’ve known since he was way younger. He told me that he knew since he was in the fourth grade. I’m still trying to take it all in and adjust. He told me he loves me for being understanding. I appreciate a site like this to help me to adjust better to this. Thank you.
Only a couple of months ago, I suspected my 20 year old son was gay or bi. Previous to that he was with the same girl for over 5 years. I sat him down, but he wouldn’t tell me one way or another, but the other day he came home and told me that he and the guy he was spending all of his time with had broken up. So now I guess I know. I’ve tried to talk to him (just small stuff) over the past few months, and I said we’ll love you the same, that we’d accept him no matter what, we want to meet who you’re hanging out with, etc., but he won’t talk to me about it at all. I’m confused and have a million questions for him. Everything has been so stressful around here. He’s so unhappy all the time, spends a lot of time alone, things have changed so so much in the last few months, he’s not even the same person anymore. I just want my son back. I don’t know how to get him to talk to me, so everything can be in the open, and we can all move on with our lives, and get through this together. I still need to understand, and I can’t understand until he talks to me. I realize that its hard for him, but don’t you think that if he talks to me that we will both feel better. I also realize he’s probably not ready to let anyone know, and that’s okay. I’ve felt so alone these past few months because I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this as I know that’s not what he would want. I keep waiting for him to talk to us (and his sister too). We will be supportive and I’m sure he must know that by now. I don’t want there to be any more distance between us and I just want our family to get back to some sort of normalty. Any advice on how to get him to talk? Also, please help me understand how he could have a girlfriend for all of those years. I know they were in love. I saw them together almost every day for 5 years.
Any comments would be much appreciated.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are stuck between your husband and your son. It’s not a descision a mother should have to make. I am of the opinion that your husband should get with the times and honour your son no matter his preference.
My son just told me a week before Christmas he has been seeing somebody “special” . Dummy me didn’t have a clue. Then He tells me his name is…… and he is encouraging me to be a better person has houses in tx & fl. he is buying me a car ,paying for my insurance etc. When I asked how old he was he told me 49. FOR REAL?! My son is 23. I can deal with him being gay or bisexual but I have bells sirens & whistles going off telling me this could be BIG trouble. What do I do. How do I accept that? I am devastated. I am just lost and have no where to turn. My parents & siblings will have issues with the entire situation.
Hello, everyone i read someone’s blog……it is very nice….I’m a gay 24 years old…….but Unfortunately i birth In homophobic country where has no Gay rights even 10 years prison or death penalty still here. i can not share about my sexuality easily with my parents. Although My parents guessing about my sexuality.I wish if i got one nice gay parents!
I came out to my parents 35 years ago. After some hard times with
them my mother finally accepted it.
My father never did. Too bad she passed in 1997. My father completely shut me out; after an unannounced visit I made to his house for Christmas after my mother passed I was told I wasn’t invited there and he threw me out.
Years later I got cancer…not even a get well card.
Nothing.
He just passed recently and I discover not only was I disinherited because of ‘my lifestyle’; yes, written that way in the will, I find out my siblings, spouses and their children have been ‘gifted’ 10K each a year since my mother passed, all quietly and secretively. Not only did I believe I had a good relationship with my brother and sister, I invited the families on many vacations over the years, with never any invites for the same from them.
I came out to my parents 35 years ago. After some hard times with
them my mother finally accepted it.
My father never did. Too bad she passed in 1997. My father completely shut me out; after an unannounced visit I made to his house for Christmas after my mother passed I was told I wasn’t invited there and he threw me out.
Years later I got cancer…not even a get well card.
Nothing.
He just passed recently and I discover not only was I disinherited because of ‘my lifestyle’; yes, written that way in the will, I find out my brother, spouse and their children have been ‘gifted’ 10K each a year since my mother passed, all quietly and secretively. My sister, husband and child got ‘some’. Nowhere near what the ‘golden child’ received.
Not only did I believe I had a good relationship with my brother and sister, I invited the families on many vacations over the years, with never any invites for the same from them.
I am not only devastated by this knowledge, I have had to seek help from a psychiatrist due to the inability to sleep.
I am now on Ambian, Wellbutrin and Celexa.
I am now concerned because i’m having suicidal thoughts…
How can all this be happening?
My dear partner is at wits end with me and the entire situation.
I should also mention I just discovered my father was a narcissist.
One of the worst personality disorders…
I suppose this revelation should help me with my understanding of all this but I am a mess anyway.
How can my siblings have done this to me?
I have lived in Florida for 30 years and everyone else is in Connecticut….perhaps the distance has made the deception easier.
I have both a son and daughter who are gay. They are wonderful human beings who I love dearly.
I did not know that either were gay before they came out and it was an adjustment, but that is all.
To Net who is establishing dating rules for her daughter who is a lesbian, and making the rules the same as she would if her daughter were straight, while I am no expert, I feel that is a wonderful way to handle it.
If anyone wants to talk, feel free to email me at mac10076@aol.com.
My 15 year old “came out ” recently-so, is now openly gay/bisexual. I was shocked/stunned at first. Now, I talk with him, thik I will eventually accept it . I love hm. I”ve gotten a lot of help from this blog and pflag-New Orelans-Louisiana.
He told me he’d known or kind of known he was gay since he was 12. I had no idea honestly, this really takes some getting used to
I want, need all the support/feedback I can get from mothers like me.
Kathy, reading your post was like reading my own, our lives are so similar. My 20 year old son has recently split from his girlfriend of 3 years and yes I have had my suspicions for many years that he was bi or gay. He is now seeing a guy and we have just recenly (yesterday) met him. It was a very different experience for us. My husband has been wonderful and even though our son didn’t tell his father he did tell me in an around about way but I think I guessed. His older sister and partner have been fantastic and I have decided not to discuss too much with my younger daughter who is 14 but will eventually talk to her about it. We do miss his ex girlfriend terribly and hope that eventually we will be able to see her but my son doesn’t want us to have contact with her at the moment. I think they are so confused about their feelings that they stay with their girlfriends I know my son loved this girl but I also think its easier for them and my son did say he felt that he should have a girlfriend get married have kids do the right thing, whatever that is….
He knows now all we want is for him to be happy & safe and I hope by us excepting his life choices he will be.
I am having a few problems with my parents though and keep getting comments like “Well he did grow up with 2 girls” or
” You put him into dancing when he was younger” Can anyone help me with dealing with this without losing my cool.
I hope everything works out for you Kathy I wll be thinking of you & your family
Hi I too have just found out about my son and I am not coping very well do you know anywhere where you can chat on line to someone
thank you
I have yet to read everything on your blog or all the comments but I was hoping someone here could help me. My son is 11 and has shown some character of being gay. He has since he was much gouged and while he has not said he likes boys it’s the fact that he has mentioned several times he wants to wear a dress , I have allowed him cause he asked to put makeup on me and do my hair. I caught him once with my eyeshadow on last year and I over reacted I was more mad that he used my stuff without asking. I want to support him and let him be him without toouch riticule from the outside! I want him to feel safe at home but I will not allow him to do those things at school. There’s too much murder and sucide going on! I want to help him and protect him. I was hoping that terr was a good support group for parents of young kids that I can get connected to as things arise. Any help would be great! Thanks!!