Distressed Mom Of Gay Son
Hi, My son is 18 years old. A couple of years ago I realized that he might have gay potentials and even though I had asked him about this at that time he denied it. Christmas 2007 he came to me and finally told me the truth. As a mother I knew this in the back of my head. I feel that parents can sense these things sometimes in there kids. My son does not act nor dress in drag at all but recently since he did turn 18 he has met a friend that is gay who has just turned 18 as well.Â
This friend seems to have alot of control over my son. My son has turned down going to college and also backed out of going into the airforce at the last minute because of this friend. He has met alot of people in the gay community in the last 8 months or so and has met one person in particular who calls himself Father Divine. Apparently this Father Devine has alot of control over my son and I dont know how many other people but my son Matt will listen to him and take his advice before he will mine or anyone elses.Â
Recently myself and Matt have had a few falling outs between us. Alot of it is because of his sexuality, irrational behavior and poor judgement among other things. There is no communication between us regarding how Matt is feeling and what he plans to do with his life. Matt recently was fired from his job and without notice moved out of the county that I am now living him.Â
I have yet to be able to deal with my son and all of the feelings that I have built up within myself. I have never thought of myself as a judge mental person until recently and with all the emotions that are running through me regarding my son it is very hard to sort them out. I never imagined in my lifetime that when I had kids that one of them may be gay. Well it has happened to me and I dont feel there is anyone out there that I know that could possbily understand what myself and my son are going through.
I have put alot of blame on myself since this has happend and have had alot of sleepless night because of this situation even though I do realize my son has to make his own choices in life weather myself or anyone else approves or disapproves of them. I have read articles on homosexuality but there are so many different studies and stories it is hard to differentiate what to read, what to believe and what to try and understand. I guess the bottom line is I have feelings I should never feel against my son that I dont know how to deal with and I do not understand the gay community.Â
I am very afraid he is going down the wrong path and I do not want to loose any more communication with my son than I already have. I do love him but sometimes I think I feel like it is a love hate realationship which is NOT what I want to feel. I feel very disappointed in his choices in life but again I know I cant change those choices he makes. I have never had to do anything like this before in my life so I hope I have stepped up to the plate and made a good choice. Any help that I could get would be greatly appreciated.Â
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Respectfully,
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Wendy
I am a young male struggling to find out more about myself. I feel that I am bisexual. But I do not know. I’ve read your story, and I feel very sorry for what you’re going through. I know that it is very hard. There was a point when me and my mother were constantly arguing. She didn’t know anything of my sexuality though I think she could sense something was different. I have since started to come to terms with being different than the other guys. My mom knows though we don’t talk about it. Don’t feel so alone. There are people who understand. Coming from the sons point-of-view: I wouldn’t force him to talk about it. But I wouldn’t leave anything left unsaid. If you bring something up, and he doesn’t want to talk, let it go for the time being. And don’t (I know I sound like I am an expert but I’m not this might not work, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t) give up. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your worried…. I guess my main point is, don’t give up and don’t give in. Don’t let him walk all over you, but you can’t walk all over him either.
I’m sorry I thought I had the perfect solution all planned out, then I started typing and everything got messed up.
I hope some of this can help… keep me posted.. I want to help in anyway possible.
Truly,
Derek
God bless you Derek. Our 18 year old son just advised us (Oct 30, 8PM) that he thought he was gay. He has been getting professional help for anxiety attacks and other emotional problems; perhaps his sexuality is probaby the root cause. We were very supportive when he told us but he is adamant about not discussing it any further. His girl-friend is upset and refuses to believe it. We treasure your advice and is pretty much what we intended to do.
Take care of yourself and keep talking to your Mom.
Thank you Karl. I know what the emotional instablility is like. It is very painful. You have no idea how great of parents you are just for being supportive of him. I know my parents are like that and I am thankful for that, but I also know that there are parents out there who are not like that. They aren’t supportive. You have no idea how hopeful parents like my own and yourselves are to young adults who are gay, bisexual or what not.
But like I said, my sexuality was a root cause of my emotional problems when I was younger and even still I sometimes have problems, but it’s the support system I have set up (including my parents and a few friends) that keep me going each day.
I’m glad that I could be of assistance to you.
Thank you,
Derek
Wendy, I know things seem really hard right now, and it looks like you feel really lost and confused about the whole situation. I admit to having the same problems with my mother after I told her that I was dating a girl (and had been, secretly, for six months). Things were terse, and we kept on fighting and I got so afraid of even asking to go see my girlfriend that the relationship crumbled. I don’t blame my mother for that, it was my own fault for not communicating, and the relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us in the end.
The point is, your son is probably in as much pain as you right now with the recent falling outs. I would trade my mother’s acceptance for any relationship at this stage, because I’d love to have her blessing no matter who I end up with.
I don’t know how bad this “father Devine” situation is. I do know that in High School, I acted as “mother” to a good number of kids younger than me. A surprising amount of them have started “coming out” since I’ve graduated, and they seem so much happier and at peace with themselves.
Your situation, however, seems much more dire. Either you’re picking up the vibes of something sinister, or you’re emitting them with the force of your worry. Is there more that can be said about these “influential characters?”
My mom, after I came out to her, had said to my sister that she didn’t so much mind my orientation but mostly who I was with at the time. As much as I regret to say it, I only believe that the delineation was made as a peace-keeping tactic between my sister and my mom. (My sister was always supportive) My mother believes that the homosexual, or bisexual “lifestyle” isn’t good for anyone.
Is your son picking up on that? Because that can lead to a great deal of resentment. If he doesn’t feel like he can trust your opinion on his life, he might make poor decisions just to lash out.
Teenagers are spiteful, and prideful, and confused, and hurting. If they don’t *feel* accepted, hearing the words won’t make a difference. I still love my mother, very much, and when we don’t talk about my pesky attraction problem we get along fine. That being said, I trust her most when I can allude to problems dealing (in part) with my sexuality, and when she responds directly to the problem instead if disapproving of my feelings.
Endeavor to be accepting so that trust can build.
hope this helps
Jordanne
Hi! Wendy,
I too have a gay son. I realized when he was very young that he was “different”. He is now 26. We tried very hard to keep him involved in sports as well as “manly-man” activities. I also worried about the stigma that would be attached to him growing up in the world we live in. All the hype about STD’s, AIDS and the other health issues also weighed heavy on my mind. He came out at the early age of 13. We knew well before he came out that he was gay. To me it wasn’t a big deal, he was still my son with all the wonderful qualities he had always had. But I was scared for him as our world is not a very kind world.
I think it’s not so much about our childs sexuality that we fear it is how the world will treat them, how they will financially support themselves, will they be safe in the outside world and how they view themselves. As mother’s we always will worry about our children regardless of their sexual orientation. For me, HE is my son, I love him unconditionally. I once thought is was gross to think that my parents had sex, so to me what goes on behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. I don’t need to know and I don’t really want to know. What I do want to know is that my child is happy, productive and loves himself for who he is as I love him for the qualities that make him who he is. HE is very kind, loving generous person. He has a wonderful job and is highly thought of in the workplace.
Currently HE is having some issues in his life. HE is at a time in his life when his friends are starting to couple up and settle down. His last few relationships have ended in disaster. He is now questioning his value as a human being and questioning what is wrong with him, why he is attracted to those that will hurt him and why they are attracted to him. He feels that he has no true friends.
He is going through a major depressive time in his life and this is very difficult to deal with. My son lives in a large city over 3 hours away from me. He also is counseling. I continue to be there for him at all times as he feels so alone right now. If I could bring him home and protect him from the outside world, I would.
When he was a teenager he was very active in Gay Pride and other organizations. During the holidays we hardly saw him as he would be cooking dinner for someone that was dying of AIDS, so that the last holiday they would live through would be memorable for his or her family. He would work trying to find the homeless a place to stay, was involved in fund raising to provide food, medical treatment, medicines and rent payments to those that were to sick to work.
I am sure that there are also things that he has done that I probably don’t want to know. But all in all he is a good person.
If any of you have had to deal with the depressive side of being gay, please share you thoughts with me. I could really use some positive feedback right now. Trying to talk with our minister is somewhat hopeless as he has never had to deal with this issue.
Peace,
Debbie
Hi All,
This is my very first time looking at any information at all about having a gay child. Which after reading many of the posts here made me realize just how comfortable I am with my situation.
I suspected for many years that my youngest son probably was gay, but thought that he needed to work it through himself before he would be ready to talk about it. For the last two years I have been anticipating that he would definitely be coming out but he never said anything. I recently asked his brother who sort of confirmed it but said I should ask him directly. So I did, and as easy as that he said yes he was. He said he was waiting for me to ask him because, while his friends knew, he said it was more difficult to bring it up with the people he was closest to. So I believe Derek has some good advice for parents…
My son is well loved by friends and family, and this news…first of all won’t be “news” to most, will not change a thing within our circle of family and friends. And for anyone who may have a problem with it, they are the ones with the problem.
It was very sad for me to read a lot of comments here, especially one’s suggesting there is any choice in the matter, or that sexual orientation is sinful. First of all, if you are religious in any way, you should be embracing your gift from God and understand He has given you a very special being to love and accept and you should be doing everything in your power to make Him proud of you.
For everyone else, this is just one aspect of a person, and they have the same feelings as everyone else, and deserve the same pursuit of happiness as everyone else.
I am sending big hugs out to everyone here. Try to be understanding and open minded. For parents, your unconditional love is needed, for children try to be gentle and understanding with your parents. But be yourself, you deserve to be happy too and live your own life, not someone else’s idea of your life. Be strong.
love and peace,
Karen
Parents …. love and respect yourselves. Your children are a product of you. If you don’t have a problem loving and respecting yourselves then you won’t have a problem loving and respecting your children…. whether they are straight or gay. I am a mother of two gay children … a son and a daughter. It was hard when I first found out. I was surprised, upset, angry, scared, lonely. But then I educated myself. One of my brothers said to me ” if you feel like that imagine how your kids feel. ” One of my doctors said to me ” as parents, our responsibility is to help our kids find their place in society. ” Our kids are part of us ….. we have created them. They are who they are. Society needs to understand …. it needs to be educated. I believe that as parents of gay children WE need to come out and show our families and be proud of them. We need to fight for our children’s rights …. for them to marry and someday create their own families. We do not need to set ourselves apart from the rest of society, we need to be part of society in equal ways.
I have not been checking up on the website like I used to so felt I should pay it a visit. I am so very elated to read the newest comments (which were the last two). You have no idea how much of a relief it is to find more and more parents who understand. I do need advice though. Like I said, I am a bisexual teenager and my parents know. I don’t know if my grandparetns do or do not. I’ve always shyed away from telling them. My grandmother is religious enough to use the excuse that homosexuality was not written in the Bible and therefore is wrong. I disagree with her statement so much but I never argue it or tell her the truth about me because I fear she will look at me differently. Like she… I don’t exactly know how to put it because I know she’ll still love me. I just think that she would act different. Almost as if she didn’t want me around. Or as if I was no longer good enough. I have yet to talk to my mom about it, she is one of my biggest crutches for these kinds of things. It’s just hard to deal with because, as some of you guys have said, we, as the child, or as a parent for others, need to be ourselves and not let other people get in the way of that. But what if you don’t want to lose a loved one? What if losing someone dear to you was the price you had to pay for being yourself? I know there is no valid proof that any of this is true or any of it would actually happen, but there is still that fear. If anyone has advice I would love to hear it. I really need help with this one.
My oldest son just told me this weekend that he is gay. I told him that I will always love and support him, no matter what. But, I am completely devastated and heart broken. Tonight, after all the chaos of the holiday is over, and I’m sitting at home alone, the reality has hit me and I have gone thru a box of tissues from crying so much. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to tell people, or if I should tell people. But, I know I can’t keep it a secret forever. I just think that I have to come with terms with it myself before I can tell anyone. But, I don’t know how to come to terms with it. I’m also in the process of a divorce from my second husband. The reality of everything is overwhelming. I feel like my entire world is falling apart. I’ve had my suspicions for awhile that my son may be gay, but I really wanted those suspicions to be wrong. Now that I can’t deny it anymore, I really don’t know what to do. Someone please help!
Hi everyone,
My story is very similar……. My 15 year old son told me he was gay a few days ago. I, like so many of you, suspected this FOR MANY, MANY YEARS. I am actually kind of relieved to FINALLY know the truth. I have asked many friends and family members if they thought he was. As a parent, I think you just know. It has been obvious to me but not to others. I know my boy! All his friends are girls.
I am so happy for my son that he is confident enough to tell me. I am open minded and have never had a problem with homosexuality. My response was loving. I told him I always knew. We discussed AIDS which is my number one fear now. I told him he must educate himself. I must do the same.
I am glad for this website and blog to be able to go to now. Support for parents is so important.
He hasn’t told his father yet. We are divorced. My husband, his step-dad, is just as accepting as I am. I have a feeling telling his dad is going to be extremely difficult for the both of them. I have discussed the possibility of him being gay with his dad lots of times so perhaps we will all be pleasantly surprised by his response.
Lil
Pam my thoughts are with you as I am also divorced, but it’s been a few years so I didn’t have to deal with my son coming out at the same time. I honestly don’t know how I would have handled both at the same time. If possible try to keep them separate, and as much as you can, find all the positive things about your life and dwell on the positive. You will at least feel better. Try to really be in the moment, one moment at a time, when you feel that you are about to lose it with worry. Often most of the things we worry about never happen. Like me, you said you knew in your heart that your son was gay. So him confirming that fact really should not tear you apart. In your heart you really do want him to be happy, and so he needs your unconditional love, because that is what will make him feel happy, and normal, and free to live the life he was given to have. I am a total believer in biology and I couldn’t be gay if I wanted to, and I know my son can’t be straight because I wish he were. And I know what you are feeling really, it’s worry, about his safety, and the searing knowledge that some of the population could dislike your son just because of who he is…that’s what tears a mother up. And that’s why our children need us to completely accept and love them just the way they are and go to bat for them and educate anyone who is unenlightened, or ignore them if they choose to be total dolts.
I am working out with my son who to tell when. I have told several of my friends and coworkers with very good results, all of his friends know, and his brother. I am holding back on some people because he has yet to tell his father and I don’t think it’s right for his dad to hear it through the grapevine. Although my ex does live far away, so there is not a big likelihood he would run into someone, who would actually mention it, but you just never know, and I understand my son needs to be ready emotionally to take that step. I am attending a local PFLAG meeting for parents and loved ones of gay children, and others I think, anyway, you should look for a chapter and call them, they are wonderfully supportive and will help you.
Regarding your divorce, I hope it is as painless as possible. Bad things happen to good people and while you cannot control what happens to you, you do control how you handle it. Be a class act and you will never have a regret.
Take care Pam and hug that son for me.
Derek, thanks for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me. I don’t know what to tell you about your grandmother. I guess it depends on how old she is. Is she 60 or 80, there is probably a big difference in how someone of differing generations might respond. If she loves you, you still are you, but I do understand where you are coming from. Certainly if you find a significant other and want to be around her, you obviously need to tell her. Plus I believe you said you are close with your mom, I would definitely talk to her about this. Then, just go with your gut. If it seizes up when you picture yourself telling her, then I would say the time isn’t quite right yet. You sound like a great and thoughtful young man, and I wish you peace and happiness. Go hug your mom! One of the things I love about both of my sons is that they have always showed their affection of me very publicly and you have no idea how wonderful it feels to be talking to someone at a gathering and have a son come up and drape their arm around you while jumping into the conversation. We all need to show each other how much we really do mean to each other…every day.
Karen~
Thanks so much for your ear. I think it was nice just to vent. My foster parents said I shouldn’t even tell her yet. They said I should wait until I get a relationship, considering that I don’t know who I’ll end up with because I’m bisexual. They said if I end up with a guy as a pertner, then when the time comes, I should tell them. I don’t know. Part of me really wants to tell her though. Just to unburden myself. Just to get it out of the way. I often show affection towards my mom in public considering thats usually when I see her. Thank you for your advice again. You have no idea how greatful I am!
~Derek
Hello Everyone,
I would like to commend everyone for being here, it shows that each of you are indeed seeking solutions to your situation.
I read a lot of the young teen, and pre-teen support sites, as I seek answers to questions I had in the late early 70’s, when I was in the shoes of a lot of the young people questioning their sexuality. For those in my age range, you know, when I was in this situation, it was a lot worse. We had no support at all, we had no internet, we had no support in school, not even the mental health community offered any support.
Anyway, through my journey, it seems that one equation repeats itself over, and over again, it is the quote I even see here; “How am I going to tell other people that my child is gay?” A valid concern of any parent, but a responsibility that is not a parents. your child, no matter what age, is the person that needs to make those decisions. They will know when the time is right, and when they will feel comfortable with others knowing.
It seems that children need to have the support of their families, before they seek the support of their friends, or other family members. With the support of their parents, they can feel comfortable in questioning these feelings. In my travels among the support groups, I have come to a PERSONAL opinion that I think the parents need to guide their children s decisions regarding sexual activity. Let your children explore their sexual orientation.
Being their to guide them in finding answers to their feelings, and finding the resources they need to answer their questions will play a great role in them becoming productive members of society, and being a good person, and understanding that we are all different. Your good parenting will let them know that accepting people for who they are, and not what they are will enrich all of our lives.
So, let them lean on you when they need it, let them make the decisions that you seem to be fretting concerning who will know, when they will know, and who will tell them. As parents, you have to devote your time to you child’s mindset, worrying will none of us any good.
Good luck everyone, I hope this may have helped at least one of you.
Happy Holidays everyone….
Kyle
My 16 year old son informed me that he was attracted to men. On hearing this news I gave my son a hug and told him that I would always love him and support him because to me he was, is and always will be the son I love so much and am so proud of. I was the first person to be told of these feelings and I asked my son if it would be alright to discuss them with my wife. He informed me that he was well aware that telling me something of this magnitude would result in it being discussed with his mother. His mother was not at all phased by this revelation and stands by my son as I do.
I was in the military for a great deal of my life when the military opposed homosexuality and would dishonourably discharge such personnel. The military also “brain-washed” their personnel to be hateful of homosexual people. I am so pleased that I have allowed my liberal outlook to overtake the teachings of my former employ.
Your children are your children, cherish every moment you have with them and be proud of them for who they are. It is not easy bringing up a child and if you have succeeded in getting them to adolescence and they have confided their secret to you – embrace them and make them aware of your love for them.
Read the news and see the parents who have to deal with the bereavement of losing their children through illness, war and many other reasons. How they would wish that their only concern was that their children were not heterosexual. Consider yourself lucky that you have children, they love you enough to confide with you and you have the ability to share the future with them.
I have no issues with my son being either homosexual or bisexual. He is fantastic and I love him. He is who he is because of what he is and I love it.
Be happy for your kids – no matter what.
Derek,
I think you got some good advice from your foster parents. My son has yet to tell his dad and he does live far from him so it can be put on a back burner. However as he does have a serious partner now I think it is important that everyone knows so he and his partner can be free to be themselves in their circle of friends and family. I love his partner and we have had a few times to get together for dinner and I look forward to more opportunities. I wish you a wonderful new year and hope you find that special someone.
To Andy: Great post!
Karen
I find myself in a similar situation. My son is 17 and while I have always suspected he was gay/bi he has never said as much. Recently I found that he had met someone online and they were chatting online. This was another 17 yr. old male that lives across the country from us. I expressed my concerns to my son I told him repeatedly that I could care less what his sexual orientation is, it doesn’t change him in my eyes, my only concern is that he is talking to someone across the country that may or may not be who he portrays himself to be. My son began telling this friend that I was ‘freaking out’ about him being gay. The next thing I know there are blogs on my son’s myspace about suicide and wanting to end his life. When I asked my son about this his response was that it’s nothing just a poem.
A few days later my son tells me that he is no longer talking to the other male and that he is not going to be gay/bi…he was unsure…because it’s a sin. I assured him that it’s not a sin and that God made him the way he is and he’s perfect. Still he’s not budging. He says he’d rather live in denial than put up with ignorant people or going to hell. Nothing I say seems to make a difference. There are several family members that are very VERY homophobic. I fear that my son is either going to do something to take his own life,he assures me he won’t, or he is going to live in denial and spend his life miserable. I have no idea how to help him. My uncle passed away a couple of years ago, we were very close and he was openly gay. I really wish he were here to help me get my son through this time in his life. Any suggestions anyone can give will be greatly appreciated.
If you don’t want to lose your son, be there for him, learn from him and accept him for the way he was created. Watch a new movie Prayers for Bobby on Lifetime about a mom who did not accept her son and he committed suicide, please make sure to love your son unconditionally.
http://queersunited.blogspot.com/
Its so nice to find a place to go and feel at home. I have always known that my son was different also I found out in June of last year that he was comming out so to speak. I am lost right now he is so angry with me because of past issues with his dad whom I am no longer married to. I wish he would understand that yes I am a chrisitian but that does not mean that I will not love and accept him as he is I just want him to be happy and be true to himself he keeps saying he is all the way out but I know different he is afraid that he is going to lose the love of his grandmother and other members of his fathers family. I have tried to drop hints that if they truly love him they will accept who he is. I don’t think he willl truly be happy till he does.
Hi from Judy N.Z.
I am the mother of 2 gay sons. One son came out two years ago at the age of 38. My other son is now 43 and has not come out. I know he is gay from the activities he persues.
I’m kind of dissapointed in both sons in that I would have dearly loved to have grandchildren from both of them. I’m 65 years of age when grandchildren is the norm.
Can any mother of gay sons relate to this.? It’s kind of a lose I’m going through not having the fun of grandchildren.
I dearly love each son, and they in turn love me.
I would like to hear from gay mothers in nz with their support.
Lonely mum …Tauranga n.z.
nevjude@ihug.co.nz….thank you.
Hi from Judy NZ. again.
I really would like to hear from mothers of gay sons. Not, just in NZ… but where ever you are. Your help will be gratefully received.
I’m having a hard time coming to terms regarding not having grandchildren. My two only children (sons) are both gay.
Can any mother of two gay sons relate to this??
Lonley Mum…Tauranga NZ
Hello Judy and Wendy,
Firstly Judy,
I understand your feelings in regards to not having any grandchildren. I always wanted to have kids, and when I got me head around me sexuality it suddenly dawned on me that I wouldn’t be able to. I am lucky in that I have a brother and a sister which will hopefully have kids so the heat is off me. Unfortunately for you both your sons are gay, which is by no means a bad thing, but it does mean that your family line will stop there and I think that will always be a depressing thought at the back of your head. I think the important thing for you is just to be happy for your boys. But it is defiantly an difficult situation.
And last but not least, Wendy,
I understand that your son has suddenly had a massive change in direction but this is not just a gay son problem this is a problem for many teenagers. For the most part I can understand his wanting to get out into the gay community, now that you know he can freely be himself he wants to do everything that he never could before. For the most part he needs to go out and be himself and do as he likes, you must understand now that he is an adult and needs to make his own decisions and consequently his own mistakes. I think you need to just make sure that he knows that you are there for him, and be there to help him pick up the pieces when it all falls down around his ears. Backing out of going to college and the air force may have been decisions he would make anyway. Have you asked him in a calm and and non accusing manor why he decided to make those decisions. It may simply be a case of just wanting to be free for awhile, and remember he has 18 years of being himself to catch up on!
I am however concerned about this “Father Divine” guy. I never think it is good when someone else is controlling someone. I would be interested to learn more about his personality before he came out and before this all started to happen.
I would be happy to discuss this more with you if you are interested. Email me on theguyandtheinterent(at)yahoo.com.au if you would like to continue discussing it (replace the “(at)” with the “@” symbol).
I hope that helps one of you at least a little.
Michael
Hi
We asked my son to move out of our house just before his 18th birthday, as we could no longer put up with his stealing and compulsive lies. Shortly after this he informed us he dropped the bombshell that he was bisexual!
He comes from a caring family, but this wasn’t enough for him. Educationally he used to be an A* student who gave up college and the prospect of University, for a life of unemployment and living with his seedy new friends. I’ve looked at their profiles on such sites as Facebook and Bebo. It’s opened our eyes to a frightening world of depravity, where everything & anything goes! Some of the websites our son uses are frequented by old men. The websites themselves get the young people to openly declare whether they are Escorts, or whether they would take part in porn movies. We were so shocked at the contents of these sites that we wrote to the Prime Minister, but months later and he hasn’t had the decency to reply.
Reading some of the stories of sons/daughters ‘coming out’, it sounds acceptably natural, but dig deeper and it’s not so pleasant. Young people today are being drawn into a world which they believe to be the ‘trendy’ and acceptable because of the media (reality shows like Big Brother & easy internet access).
We are distraught parents who have to stand back and watch our son slip further and further into this squalid lifestyle.
Our story will not have a happy ending. If anyone else is living with this terrible situation, we would like to hear from them.
Elaine
Hi
We asked my son to move out of our house just before his 18th birthday, as we could no longer put up with his stealing and compulsive lies. Shortly after this he dropped the bombshell that he was bisexual!
He comes from a caring family, but this wasn’t enough for him. Educationally he used to be an A* student who gave up college and the prospect of University, for a life of unemployment and living with his seedy new friends. I’ve looked at their profiles on such sites as Facebook and Bebo. It’s opened our eyes to a frightening world of depravity, where everything & anything goes! Some of the websites our son uses are frequented by old men. The websites themselves get the young people to openly declare whether they are Escorts, or whether they would take part in porn movies. We were so shocked at the contents of these sites that we wrote to the Prime Minister, but months later and he hasn’t had the decency to reply.
Reading some of the stories of sons/daughters ‘coming out’, it sounds acceptably natural, but dig deeper and it’s not so pleasant. Young people today are being drawn into a world which they believe to be the ‘trendy’ and acceptable because of the media (reality shows like Big Brother & easy internet access).
We are distraught parents who have to stand back and watch our son slip further and further into this squalid lifestyle.
Our story will not have a happy ending. If anyone else is living with this terrible situation, we would like to hear from them.
Elaine
My advice: You are a parent first. Your son is gay second. If he’s hanging with a crowd you don’t like let him know that. Be clear – it’s not because they are gay or whatever – it’s because you want better for your son. A bad crowd is a bad crowd – gay or not – a bad crowd is a bad crowd. Help him to steer.
His being gay is fine and you’ll be okay too. Your objective as a parent is to protect and guide him as he matures. Give good advice. If these people freak you out – let him know that. If he objects – tell him to invite them over for tea (or whatever). Get to know them. It is possible, perhaps unlikely, they are actually good people. If they stay away from you I’d advise him to stay away from them. The control thing irks me. So does the name.
p.s.
The name is just weird: Father Divine? What up with that?
The control thing bothers me too. Be involved. Know your kid. Have his back.
My son what can I say, I have read everything on this site and I am amazed at how each story is so much like my own…I am sad not at the fact my son is gay…that I will learn tolerance for but I am sad for the disrespect he suddenly shows for anyone that has difficulty with this sudden very drastic change in him. Homosexuals crave tolerance and to a degree acceptance but I find my son and his friends not willing to provide the same for those around him/them. Does narcissim and self indulgence come with being gay, or how about sarcasm and immorality with the hickies and boisterous language. Does one have to advertise ones sexuality to feel complete in it and then be angry when the outcome of the advertising produces not quite the embrace they expect. There are no rainbow tattoos or cliches for homosexuals to parade around to let people know what and who they like having sex with, why is it appropriate for the gay community to do so…Sex is private and loveing and should be protected and nurtured not bantered about like a commodity. Should I wear slogans such as Straight Pride, or have a parade celebrating heterosexual lifestyles good lord…I am a 44 year old white female heterosexual mother of 2 grandmother of 1…will all that fit on a shirt?…No…I love my son but to demand tolerance one must first give it and understand a lifetime of teaching wont change over night.
I have tried to be clear about the fact that the things he is doing and the way he is living has not much to do with him being gay…HE is choosing to make every disagreement about his sexuality…I guess his pot smoking, drinking, walking around with hickies like a necklace…irresponsibility to his family, not calling when he said he would be here in a few minutes, telling his father to f*** you…I suppose all of that has to do with him being gay…not…it has to do with giving a son every advantage, luxery and gift and having it kicked in your face…then being told accept or loose….it is breaking my heart
Sharon & Wendy, I think my heart has skipped a few beats from what you have written. I have a step daughter who “came out” a few years ago. She always was a Tom Boy all thru growing up, wore only sneakers, jeans, gym shorts, hair style didn’t matter. No girly, pretty clothes. We all wondered, but thought maybe she was just shy and not really interested at the time in boys. When she came out she swore she never knew, never thought about it etc. Only just started having thoughts about girls. We love her and have tried to except. But, just prior to “coming out” she had changed and has continued her transformation more and more over time. If you did not know her you would think she was a man. She dresses only in mens clothes, sags her pants, she wears boxers, her hair is discheviled, walks like a man. She as very skinny growing up, into basketball; until she started her period then she blossomed, put on about 40lbs during the summer all in the hips and shoulders. So now she has grown in to a full grown man. Her father is a heart broken, very maucho man. He doesn’t understand. Even thou she is a step daughter I have always loved her as my own. She, her brother and sister came to stay with us every summer and holiday breaks since we have been together through out their child hood. She was four when I came into their life and my husband and I have been together for over 20 years. We helped pay for her 2 year degree at an expensive computer college, we bought her first car, helped her when she felt she had to move out to look into this new world she felt was what she wanted. But, slowly she has moved away from us thru her friend ships and life style. Her friends seem to all be deceiving, they dress similar to her, you never know if they are women or men. They almost all have knick names, like cooter, dog etc. and that is how she introduces them. She has a my space account with disgusting words and pictures, all sexual in nature, which hurts us even more. I have known many gay people, worked with many, but they all acted and dressed like regular folks. Not acting like sexual crazed folks. It makes me feel like this is a sexual devient matter.
She has been through about 1/2 dozen relationships in the past few years with may undesireable folks. She goes from job to job, usually getting fired, due to physical fights or violent altercations. Everything that goes wrong is everybody elses fault. Her credit is shot, several creditors call us telling us we should pay her debts. She still uses our address for mail and references. Her friends give her financial advice constantly, all of which is nonsence. When we advise her against it she gets angry and states we are only against the advice because they are gay!
To make matters worse our youngest daughter (15) has just recently decided she is gay. But also like he sister said, “maybe I am bi-sexual”. She loves the ground her sister walks on. She feels her sister can do no wrong. Now let me throw another log on the fire, big sister introduced her to many of her friends, and one who is 23 years old, they started meeting on line, meeting at a neighhor hood park etc. So now I have a 15 year old that is not old enough to make any adult sexual decisions that may have gotten her self into a relationship that I had to get police involved in. Her sister knew about it for a few months and never told us about it until it got out of hand. Our young daughter wants us to accept her sister as is. Let all her silly friends come and go from our home, accept them all because she loves them, that is what parents are supposed to do, she says.
I am not sure the story has come to an end, and I will always love that little girl that loved me unconditional when I met and fell in love with her daddy. But my heart is bruised right now and we have found it may be easier to step back and let this big child move on with her life away from us for a while. We are not going to let her shove that life style down our throuts, or “get with it” because this is 2009 and everyone is doing it! We still have a 15 year old with 2 more years of high school to get through, and we have to focus on her finishing out what her sister was given an opportunity to do. Big sister does not like our life style so why should we be forced to love hers. Our heart is breaking too……..
I had felt that my so Bill is gay is he out of his mind I tried to explain that he was not raised like this but he says he was born like this. Which I think is a bunch of crap. Bill told me he wanted it to cometo the surface. And now he is embarrased but says he is loved. I stated he was sick and has no morales and that I would under any circumtancesaccept this as he is looking for love in the wrong places. This is not of God that this action is of the devil.The boy he suppose to be in love with is 18 and I feel just using him. Bill says he is happy for the first time in his life. I stated that I did not what him to bring any of his gay friends over to my home and I was ashamed of him and do not under any way condone such action.He was married for 18 yr, and he was so hurt when he had gotten divorce from his wife. He has three children and I stated that how would his children feel seeing that his father was gay? Iam so upset disgusted and dispointed in him that Iam turning my back on him. I stated if he needed mental help I would provide for him. This action is sick and fifthy and he needs to be ashamed of his self.I stated that I would wish he would of cut my heart out with a knife then to hear this trash.
Sonia
Hello My only son is gay I am looking for someone to talk to about this. my husband & I love our son unconditionally. We have supported him & his life style we love him & his partner & all their friends some of which call us MOM & DAD. His friends tell him how lucky he is to have parents like us. He had difficulty in school with a learning disability & when I thought finally we got him ok in school we realized he might be gay. I ask him & he denied it then a year later after telling him we would love him no matter what ” I would love you even if you did something & went to jail/prison type of thing” He told me. He lived at home till he was 25yrs made frequent trips to large cities & I knew he was looking for a gay friendly place.We live in a small town the bible belt so he knew this was not where he would stay. He found his partner first then his own business in Rehoboth beach . Made us very PROUD. The only problem I have is with this spiritually. I feel in my heart this is not a CHOICE for them I think they are born this way? How do I help others feel accepted with this. Greer
My 20 year old son came out two weeks ago. I asked him to leave for several reasons: I know my husband, his father, will not accept this life style; I am torn between the beliefs I was raised with; and I have two more sons at home that I do not want to think that this is an acceptable life style.
Everyone is telling him what bad parents we are because of the decision we made yet none of them have ever gone through this before.
I am now questioning my faith and beliefs because I love this boy more than life itself. How could I have ever said I would love him unconditionally and then kick him out.
What makes matters worse is that I knew he was gay, so did my husband, we just didn’t want to believe it. We just wanted him to get his education and go on to do great things and figure it out later.
His counselors at college suggested that he not tell us until he was out of school due to the economy because he knew how we would react!!!!!! And then he does it right before spring break! Does that sound like good decision making? He too is showing some of the signs of rebellion, more than likely due to holding back or it may as simple as being spoiled, I don’t know anymore.
I am not homophobic, I just wanted him to wait until he could make it on his own.
I am so confused, so hurt and I miss my son…things will never be the same again….ever!
Confused,
Just hang in there.
Hi So Confused….Yes!…I do understand you 100% as I have not only one, but two gay sons.(only children I have). I know it is a shock just knowing that your son is gay. Please try to look upon this experience from his side. He has come out to you both….well done! Try to show your son how much you love him unconditionally.Contact him where ever he is. Bring him back into the family nest. You love him….he loves you both.
As hurt as you are I understand from where you are coming from as I have been there. We have to put aside our beliefs for the sake of our loved ones.
This I tell you from my own experience. Don’t push him out!!
Wouldn’t you like to be a compatable family again??
Give your husband time to come to terms with you son. After all…this is not his choise being gay, he was born like this. Think about that!
Judy
Hello Embarrassed & confused , It’s hard when they first come to you about who they are! My husband is the most macho guy a weight lifting biker. But he has no problems with our son being gay. I marvel at his ability to see through all the creepiness of it all. That’s what we need to do. Love the Lord our God with all your heart ,mind & strenght. Love your neighbor as your self. That is what Jesus wants us to do. Love. I am a Christian & this has been like a spiritual warefare for me. But in my heart I know Love is what counts. Your objective as a parent is to love & guide & try to be supportive but it’s very hard. Our family my son ,husband & I all went to counceling. Our son went to see a physcologist he was depressed & thought he had no future. We got through it together that was years ago. Yes you will grieve for the son you thought you had. No wedding , no grandchildren, but now neither my husband nor myself would trade our son for any thing or wish he was ungay. So hang in there take one day at a time & make sure the pathways for communication are open for you & your son. Take care Greer
My son, sixteen years old, did not tell us he was gay. His sister, twelve, was snooping and read his text messages and discovered he was having intimate conversations with a nineteen year old boy. She immediately told me. I confronted him, and he finally admitted he way gay and like this guy. I was not angry about him coming out, but that this guy was nineteen and too old. I knew he was confused about his sexuality for about three years and I told him if he knew he was gay that he needed to let us know, so that we could help him. I feel he has been lying because this guy has alot of control over him. Am I over reacting the the fact that this guy is nineteen.
i’m a distressed mother of a 16 yr.old son that just told me he was gay 4 days ago. i was using his cell and he forgot his text messages were open and his security code was not set. he gave me his cell so i could make a call and i noticed this, so i started looking at his text messages. i was freaked out when there was a guy’s name and my son was telling him “i like you” and “come over and give me a kiss”! he all of a sudden realized what i was doing and took away his cell. by then i had read enough. i asked him and he said it was a girl but that he had saved her name as a guys name because of an inside joke. i yelled at him…son your gay! he said no & after me telling him so many times he admitted it. i ran out and i bought a bottle and rented a hotel room and drank for hrs. i ran out of the problem and i know it was not the right thing, but this is my baby. the guy is turning 19 soon and that makes it worse. he tells me he is feeling he is gay and that he has not had sex, but i think this man can confuse him or open his eyes sooner than what it should be. this boys mom does not know and i want to meet her and tell her what is goin on. this guy is just too old for him. i cant see my son in his eyes. i feel betrayed by him. my son is everything to me and i’ve given him everything i can and i feel angry at him. i feel things will never be the same and i fell i am dying inside. i cant accept it. its against gods believes and he needs to understand what he is also getting himself into for when his time comes and he’s judgement day comes. its a sin in my eyes and it burns my soul to think of my son w/ another man. i’m driving myself crazy and dont know where to look for help. how can i support him if i feel i want to beat this feeling out of him. im scared of doing something really bad that i might regret one day. his father tells me that if i keep pushing him, we are really going to loose him and if he leaves the house, he will be in worse trouble. i dont really know what i expect to hear from anyone…i just needed to write this.
thanks,dora
I found out my son who is 18 is gay, we have often wondered, last summer he denied it when I asked. About 6 months he admitted it after I asked him about it after discovering he was looking at gay porn, my son is a Christian and said he has been fighting it since 5th grade and he is sick of living the lie, I talk to one counceler and they say he is born with it another that it is sin and he is choosing to sin and should walk away from it does the bible take it too literally does God love him as he is? should he resist and live a celebet life? My son says why would he choose this when he will be rejected by his friends which he has he is so beautiful and i am sad to know that I will never have grand children, can gays be delivered of this or is it all a lie when gays marry women and eventually leave their wives for a man so many questions I love my son and I want him to be happy and go to heaven any comments appreciated Mary Ann OHIO
Mary Ann – I have a 37-year old gay son. I have known it for over 20 years. I thought my unconditional love for him could protect him and help him with his own acceptance of it. So much has happened since the day he told me. I wish I knew then what I have come to know now. First and foremost, think of him and how he is dealing with it. My son convinced me he was okay. It was what I wanted to hear so I accepted that he was okay. He struggled with his acceptance for a long time – he searched high and low (mostly low) for a way to deal with things. A lot of that time I was out of the picture.
Today, I am in the picture and loving it. He is a great guy. I feel very blessed to have him.
Might I suggest reading “Prayers for Bobby”. I recently saw the movie and thought how powerful that could be for mothers of gay sons. It answers a lot of your questions. Educate yourself. Join PFLAG. Keep your faith – my God has been very kind and loving to me, after all He gave me my son to love and cherish. And I do every single day.
Hi
I live in lower alabama and i am bisexual. I hav just recently come out to a few friends.
I want to tell my parentS but they have already told me that if i was a gay or bi that they will kick me out. I Really want to tell them but cant. My dad said that i would be dead to him and that be would hate me. I really need help in this.
I haven’t been on in a while and feel really bad for not keeping up. First, I want to speak on Elaine’s situation:
I have thought about this a lot and come to the conclusion that the reason your son is showing this disrespect, and I say this out of empathy for I have been in a close situation, is because he has finally found people like him… in the gay sense. And since he has found people that have a common interest with him, he wants to be just like them and join them in their ways. It’s not necessarily because he’s gay. At least I don’t think it is.
My second is for Hunter:
The best answer I can come up with is that you at least should wait until you’re 18 to tell them if you really feel the need to tell them. If they really will cut you off, wait until you can support yourself. Or you could always find an alternative living arrangement with a friend or relative. Once you move out on your own, if your parents don’t love you for who you are, then there is nothing that you can do about it. Sometimes you have to move on. And every bit of advice that I give you is strictly at your disposal. If you disagree, then by all means follow your heart. I suppose it never hurts to try.
And finally, there has been a development in my own story. The more that I mature, the more friends I make. I have tons of friends. Recently, at a local festival, one of my bisexual female friends introduced me to a gay guy from the town that I live in. The two of us go to different schools but only live about 5 miles apart. This guy is amazing and we have a lot in common, so we have been dating for a couple of months. He finally told his parents that he was gay. His dad is okay with it. But the mother is having problems accepting it. Riley, my boyfriend, has not told them that we are dating, because, at least in his words, “I respect your life Derek. You’re not ready to die.” He means it as a joke saying that his parents would probably hate me. His dad suspects that Riley and I are close, but he isn’t 100% on it. I’m very happy. I feel much more mature and very proud of myself.
One concern that I have is that the school I attend, which contains a very closed-minded sort of kids, minus a select few, and I have not told them about my sexuality. If I do, I fear they would make my senior year miserable. And I’m not willing to compromise what could be happy memories. I plan on being more open in college.
I’ve noticed a lot of sadder stories so felt the need to share something positive.
Thanks to who ever you are that wrote to Me( Mary Ann) I did recently see that movie and it was so good to know that all my beginning feelings are normal I am comming along and learning everyday ny son feels so comfortable in his own skin and says he is fine I hope he really is he leaves for college soon and hope he is safe and finds his way Thanks again and keep us in your prayers
My 18 year old son recently told us he is gay. While we have all the mixed emotions everyone has listed we are supportive of him. That isn’t the problem. The problem is he has found a “friend” on a on-line web site for gay men and he is 48 years old. That is a problem. This person constantly calls, texts and as recently as last night our son was on the phone until 2 AM because I think they had a fight.
We have told our son that we do not believe a relationship with a 48 year old is appropriate and don’t approve. He says he likes older men and we don’t understand.
We are trying to be as supportive as possible but this situation is interfering with his school work, social life, etc. This man previously was going to visit over Labor Day but now wants our son to visit him in Canada – HELP!!!
First and foremost I’d like to thank you all for posting your stories. It helps to see there are people like me who struggle with the concept my son could be gay.
I have 3 sons, and for years I always suspected one was gay. Ironically he is the best looking kid in the crowd, getting lots of female attention. He is so hot he could have any girl he wanted. However… he could never stick to a girl no matter how hard he tried. And he tried… he was in love…
We are a straight family (no dad) and we are sporty, happy, ‘gay jokes’ are common in our household. If he was to come out my family will have a problem accepting it.
Me… raised in a very religious protestant environment I used to believe gay was sin, I no longer do. I love my son and will always support him. Gay or straight.
Recently I noticed he is withdrawn, can’t find his place in this world and keeps talking about leaving it all and moving away to another country. I do understand this is just an ‘effect’ and I suspect the ’cause’ is his unhappiness and a fear he can be rejected if he comes out. He has been getting into major fights lately, bloody ones. He is very strong and he never shies away from a fight. Recently he instigates them and I suspect this is a result of years of suppressed feelings. I am 75% sure he is gay, the thought is eating him alive and this is why he’s getting like that.
Anyone with a similar story or advice? Thank you in advance.
Derek, thank you for all of your comments. I am happy to see you are getting your life and your feelings in order. All the best to you son!
My husband and I just found out our 21 year old son is gay. He said he has known since 8th grade. He suffered with severe stomach problems missing alot of junior high and we took him to many doctors trying to find our what the problem was. We never realized it had to do with the stress he was feeling about being different.
He is the youngest of three boys and was the easiest child to raise. He always spent his time around girls rather than boys and as he got older we would wonder if he might be gay. We never questioned it as we knew even if he was that our love for him would remain unconditional and it would not change who he was which is a wonderful young man. Even knowing our love for him will never change we are feeling so many different emotions and I knew I needed some support for this.I was happy to find this web page. I am concerned that he is naive enough that someone will take advantage of him and I can not stand the thought of him being hurt. We are going to see him over the holidays and want to have him feel comfortable enough to talk about this. We also want him to know the things that can happen with gay relationships and to be very careful. I hope I am explaining myself correctly as I am still in shock with the news. Leslie
We recently found my 16 year old son texting men from a gay site. Apparently this has been something that has been going on for some time. After my husband and I confronted him, he did come out and tell us that he knows he is different from the other boys in school and that he feels he is gay. Of course, we do not want to believe any of this and we have seeked help with a counselor. He is our son and we love him and we will never stop being his parents, but if anyone could give me some insight on how to deal with all the emotions we are feeling and how to guide him in the right direction. I want him to get through high school without having the stigma of being gay. I can’t get rid of this terrible feeling of being so scared for him. Anyone that could help us I would really appreciate it.
Pam, my heart goes out to you.
I have been depressed myself. Both of my kids are gay, but since my son started cross dressing I have been having a particularily hard time. I think it is a bit of a greiving process for sure, although I do appreciate they are alive and well. Unfortunately I do also worry about their safety.
To the lady who said she was sad she wasnt getting grandchildren, yes! I concur!!! However heterosexuality doesnt guarantee these days that they will produce grandchildren for you anyway!! ( My older sister has two hetero kids in their 30’s , both married, neither one has kids!)
Anyway, hang in there. I am……..trying hard!
I just found your site through google. Love the info!