Distressed Mom Of Gay Son
Hi, My son is 18 years old. A couple of years ago I realized that he might have gay potentials and even though I had asked him about this at that time he denied it. Christmas 2007 he came to me and finally told me the truth. As a mother I knew this in the back of my head. I feel that parents can sense these things sometimes in there kids. My son does not act nor dress in drag at all but recently since he did turn 18 he has met a friend that is gay who has just turned 18 as well.
This friend seems to have alot of control over my son. My son has turned down going to college and also backed out of going into the airforce at the last minute because of this friend. He has met alot of people in the gay community in the last 8 months or so and has met one person in particular who calls himself Father Divine. Apparently this Father Devine has alot of control over my son and I dont know how many other people but my son Matt will listen to him and take his advice before he will mine or anyone elses.
Recently myself and Matt have had a few falling outs between us. Alot of it is because of his sexuality, irrational behavior and poor judgement among other things. There is no communication between us regarding how Matt is feeling and what he plans to do with his life. Matt recently was fired from his job and without notice moved out of the county that I am now living him.
I have yet to be able to deal with my son and all of the feelings that I have built up within myself. I have never thought of myself as a judge mental person until recently and with all the emotions that are running through me regarding my son it is very hard to sort them out. I never imagined in my lifetime that when I had kids that one of them may be gay. Well it has happened to me and I dont feel there is anyone out there that I know that could possbily understand what myself and my son are going through.
I have put alot of blame on myself since this has happend and have had alot of sleepless night because of this situation even though I do realize my son has to make his own choices in life weather myself or anyone else approves or disapproves of them. I have read articles on homosexuality but there are so many different studies and stories it is hard to differentiate what to read, what to believe and what to try and understand. I guess the bottom line is I have feelings I should never feel against my son that I dont know how to deal with and I do not understand the gay community.
I am very afraid he is going down the wrong path and I do not want to loose any more communication with my son than I already have. I do love him but sometimes I think I feel like it is a love hate realationship which is NOT what I want to feel. I feel very disappointed in his choices in life but again I know I cant change those choices he makes. I have never had to do anything like this before in my life so I hope I have stepped up to the plate and made a good choice. Any help that I could get would be greatly appreciated.
Respectfully,
Wendy
I am a young male struggling to find out more about myself. I feel that I am bisexual. But I do not know. I’ve read your story, and I feel very sorry for what you’re going through. I know that it is very hard. There was a point when me and my mother were constantly arguing. She didn’t know anything of my sexuality though I think she could sense something was different. I have since started to come to terms with being different than the other guys. My mom knows though we don’t talk about it. Don’t feel so alone. There are people who understand. Coming from the sons point-of-view: I wouldn’t force him to talk about it. But I wouldn’t leave anything left unsaid. If you bring something up, and he doesn’t want to talk, let it go for the time being. And don’t (I know I sound like I am an expert but I’m not this might not work, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t) give up. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your worried…. I guess my main point is, don’t give up and don’t give in. Don’t let him walk all over you, but you can’t walk all over him either.
I’m sorry I thought I had the perfect solution all planned out, then I started typing and everything got messed up.
I hope some of this can help… keep me posted.. I want to help in anyway possible.
Truly,
Derek
God bless you Derek. Our 18 year old son just advised us (Oct 30, 8PM) that he thought he was gay. He has been getting professional help for anxiety attacks and other emotional problems; perhaps his sexuality is probaby the root cause. We were very supportive when he told us but he is adamant about not discussing it any further. His girl-friend is upset and refuses to believe it. We treasure your advice and is pretty much what we intended to do.
Take care of yourself and keep talking to your Mom.
Thank you Karl. I know what the emotional instablility is like. It is very painful. You have no idea how great of parents you are just for being supportive of him. I know my parents are like that and I am thankful for that, but I also know that there are parents out there who are not like that. They aren’t supportive. You have no idea how hopeful parents like my own and yourselves are to young adults who are gay, bisexual or what not.
But like I said, my sexuality was a root cause of my emotional problems when I was younger and even still I sometimes have problems, but it’s the support system I have set up (including my parents and a few friends) that keep me going each day.
I’m glad that I could be of assistance to you.
Thank you,
Derek
Wendy, I know things seem really hard right now, and it looks like you feel really lost and confused about the whole situation. I admit to having the same problems with my mother after I told her that I was dating a girl (and had been, secretly, for six months). Things were terse, and we kept on fighting and I got so afraid of even asking to go see my girlfriend that the relationship crumbled. I don’t blame my mother for that, it was my own fault for not communicating, and the relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us in the end.
The point is, your son is probably in as much pain as you right now with the recent falling outs. I would trade my mother’s acceptance for any relationship at this stage, because I’d love to have her blessing no matter who I end up with.
I don’t know how bad this “father Devine” situation is. I do know that in High School, I acted as “mother” to a good number of kids younger than me. A surprising amount of them have started “coming out” since I’ve graduated, and they seem so much happier and at peace with themselves.
Your situation, however, seems much more dire. Either you’re picking up the vibes of something sinister, or you’re emitting them with the force of your worry. Is there more that can be said about these “influential characters?”
My mom, after I came out to her, had said to my sister that she didn’t so much mind my orientation but mostly who I was with at the time. As much as I regret to say it, I only believe that the delineation was made as a peace-keeping tactic between my sister and my mom. (My sister was always supportive) My mother believes that the homosexual, or bisexual “lifestyle” isn’t good for anyone.
Is your son picking up on that? Because that can lead to a great deal of resentment. If he doesn’t feel like he can trust your opinion on his life, he might make poor decisions just to lash out.
Teenagers are spiteful, and prideful, and confused, and hurting. If they don’t *feel* accepted, hearing the words won’t make a difference. I still love my mother, very much, and when we don’t talk about my pesky attraction problem we get along fine. That being said, I trust her most when I can allude to problems dealing (in part) with my sexuality, and when she responds directly to the problem instead if disapproving of my feelings.
Endeavor to be accepting so that trust can build.
hope this helps
Jordanne
Hi! Wendy,
I too have a gay son. I realized when he was very young that he was “different”. He is now 26. We tried very hard to keep him involved in sports as well as “manly-man” activities. I also worried about the stigma that would be attached to him growing up in the world we live in. All the hype about STD’s, AIDS and the other health issues also weighed heavy on my mind. He came out at the early age of 13. We knew well before he came out that he was gay. To me it wasn’t a big deal, he was still my son with all the wonderful qualities he had always had. But I was scared for him as our world is not a very kind world.
I think it’s not so much about our childs sexuality that we fear it is how the world will treat them, how they will financially support themselves, will they be safe in the outside world and how they view themselves. As mother’s we always will worry about our children regardless of their sexual orientation. For me, HE is my son, I love him unconditionally. I once thought is was gross to think that my parents had sex, so to me what goes on behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. I don’t need to know and I don’t really want to know. What I do want to know is that my child is happy, productive and loves himself for who he is as I love him for the qualities that make him who he is. HE is very kind, loving generous person. He has a wonderful job and is highly thought of in the workplace.
Currently HE is having some issues in his life. HE is at a time in his life when his friends are starting to couple up and settle down. His last few relationships have ended in disaster. He is now questioning his value as a human being and questioning what is wrong with him, why he is attracted to those that will hurt him and why they are attracted to him. He feels that he has no true friends.
He is going through a major depressive time in his life and this is very difficult to deal with. My son lives in a large city over 3 hours away from me. He also is counseling. I continue to be there for him at all times as he feels so alone right now. If I could bring him home and protect him from the outside world, I would.
When he was a teenager he was very active in Gay Pride and other organizations. During the holidays we hardly saw him as he would be cooking dinner for someone that was dying of AIDS, so that the last holiday they would live through would be memorable for his or her family. He would work trying to find the homeless a place to stay, was involved in fund raising to provide food, medical treatment, medicines and rent payments to those that were to sick to work.
I am sure that there are also things that he has done that I probably don’t want to know. But all in all he is a good person.
If any of you have had to deal with the depressive side of being gay, please share you thoughts with me. I could really use some positive feedback right now. Trying to talk with our minister is somewhat hopeless as he has never had to deal with this issue.
Peace,
Debbie
Hi All,
This is my very first time looking at any information at all about having a gay child. Which after reading many of the posts here made me realize just how comfortable I am with my situation.
I suspected for many years that my youngest son probably was gay, but thought that he needed to work it through himself before he would be ready to talk about it. For the last two years I have been anticipating that he would definitely be coming out but he never said anything. I recently asked his brother who sort of confirmed it but said I should ask him directly. So I did, and as easy as that he said yes he was. He said he was waiting for me to ask him because, while his friends knew, he said it was more difficult to bring it up with the people he was closest to. So I believe Derek has some good advice for parents…
My son is well loved by friends and family, and this news…first of all won’t be “news” to most, will not change a thing within our circle of family and friends. And for anyone who may have a problem with it, they are the ones with the problem.
It was very sad for me to read a lot of comments here, especially one’s suggesting there is any choice in the matter, or that sexual orientation is sinful. First of all, if you are religious in any way, you should be embracing your gift from God and understand He has given you a very special being to love and accept and you should be doing everything in your power to make Him proud of you.
For everyone else, this is just one aspect of a person, and they have the same feelings as everyone else, and deserve the same pursuit of happiness as everyone else.
I am sending big hugs out to everyone here. Try to be understanding and open minded. For parents, your unconditional love is needed, for children try to be gentle and understanding with your parents. But be yourself, you deserve to be happy too and live your own life, not someone else’s idea of your life. Be strong.
love and peace,
Karen
Parents …. love and respect yourselves. Your children are a product of you. If you don’t have a problem loving and respecting yourselves then you won’t have a problem loving and respecting your children…. whether they are straight or gay. I am a mother of two gay children … a son and a daughter. It was hard when I first found out. I was surprised, upset, angry, scared, lonely. But then I educated myself. One of my brothers said to me ” if you feel like that imagine how your kids feel. ” One of my doctors said to me ” as parents, our responsibility is to help our kids find their place in society. ” Our kids are part of us ….. we have created them. They are who they are. Society needs to understand …. it needs to be educated. I believe that as parents of gay children WE need to come out and show our families and be proud of them. We need to fight for our children’s rights …. for them to marry and someday create their own families. We do not need to set ourselves apart from the rest of society, we need to be part of society in equal ways.
I have not been checking up on the website like I used to so felt I should pay it a visit. I am so very elated to read the newest comments (which were the last two). You have no idea how much of a relief it is to find more and more parents who understand. I do need advice though. Like I said, I am a bisexual teenager and my parents know. I don’t know if my grandparetns do or do not. I’ve always shyed away from telling them. My grandmother is religious enough to use the excuse that homosexuality was not written in the Bible and therefore is wrong. I disagree with her statement so much but I never argue it or tell her the truth about me because I fear she will look at me differently. Like she… I don’t exactly know how to put it because I know she’ll still love me. I just think that she would act different. Almost as if she didn’t want me around. Or as if I was no longer good enough. I have yet to talk to my mom about it, she is one of my biggest crutches for these kinds of things. It’s just hard to deal with because, as some of you guys have said, we, as the child, or as a parent for others, need to be ourselves and not let other people get in the way of that. But what if you don’t want to lose a loved one? What if losing someone dear to you was the price you had to pay for being yourself? I know there is no valid proof that any of this is true or any of it would actually happen, but there is still that fear. If anyone has advice I would love to hear it. I really need help with this one.
My oldest son just told me this weekend that he is gay. I told him that I will always love and support him, no matter what. But, I am completely devastated and heart broken. Tonight, after all the chaos of the holiday is over, and I’m sitting at home alone, the reality has hit me and I have gone thru a box of tissues from crying so much. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to tell people, or if I should tell people. But, I know I can’t keep it a secret forever. I just think that I have to come with terms with it myself before I can tell anyone. But, I don’t know how to come to terms with it. I’m also in the process of a divorce from my second husband. The reality of everything is overwhelming. I feel like my entire world is falling apart. I’ve had my suspicions for awhile that my son may be gay, but I really wanted those suspicions to be wrong. Now that I can’t deny it anymore, I really don’t know what to do. Someone please help!
Hi everyone,
My story is very similar……. My 15 year old son told me he was gay a few days ago. I, like so many of you, suspected this FOR MANY, MANY YEARS. I am actually kind of relieved to FINALLY know the truth. I have asked many friends and family members if they thought he was. As a parent, I think you just know. It has been obvious to me but not to others. I know my boy! All his friends are girls.
I am so happy for my son that he is confident enough to tell me. I am open minded and have never had a problem with homosexuality. My response was loving. I told him I always knew. We discussed AIDS which is my number one fear now. I told him he must educate himself. I must do the same.
I am glad for this website and blog to be able to go to now. Support for parents is so important.
He hasn’t told his father yet. We are divorced. My husband, his step-dad, is just as accepting as I am. I have a feeling telling his dad is going to be extremely difficult for the both of them. I have discussed the possibility of him being gay with his dad lots of times so perhaps we will all be pleasantly surprised by his response.
Lil
Pam my thoughts are with you as I am also divorced, but it’s been a few years so I didn’t have to deal with my son coming out at the same time. I honestly don’t know how I would have handled both at the same time. If possible try to keep them separate, and as much as you can, find all the positive things about your life and dwell on the positive. You will at least feel better. Try to really be in the moment, one moment at a time, when you feel that you are about to lose it with worry. Often most of the things we worry about never happen. Like me, you said you knew in your heart that your son was gay. So him confirming that fact really should not tear you apart. In your heart you really do want him to be happy, and so he needs your unconditional love, because that is what will make him feel happy, and normal, and free to live the life he was given to have. I am a total believer in biology and I couldn’t be gay if I wanted to, and I know my son can’t be straight because I wish he were. And I know what you are feeling really, it’s worry, about his safety, and the searing knowledge that some of the population could dislike your son just because of who he is…that’s what tears a mother up. And that’s why our children need us to completely accept and love them just the way they are and go to bat for them and educate anyone who is unenlightened, or ignore them if they choose to be total dolts.
I am working out with my son who to tell when. I have told several of my friends and coworkers with very good results, all of his friends know, and his brother. I am holding back on some people because he has yet to tell his father and I don’t think it’s right for his dad to hear it through the grapevine. Although my ex does live far away, so there is not a big likelihood he would run into someone, who would actually mention it, but you just never know, and I understand my son needs to be ready emotionally to take that step. I am attending a local PFLAG meeting for parents and loved ones of gay children, and others I think, anyway, you should look for a chapter and call them, they are wonderfully supportive and will help you.
Regarding your divorce, I hope it is as painless as possible. Bad things happen to good people and while you cannot control what happens to you, you do control how you handle it. Be a class act and you will never have a regret.
Take care Pam and hug that son for me.
Derek, thanks for your kind words, they really mean a lot to me. I don’t know what to tell you about your grandmother. I guess it depends on how old she is. Is she 60 or 80, there is probably a big difference in how someone of differing generations might respond. If she loves you, you still are you, but I do understand where you are coming from. Certainly if you find a significant other and want to be around her, you obviously need to tell her. Plus I believe you said you are close with your mom, I would definitely talk to her about this. Then, just go with your gut. If it seizes up when you picture yourself telling her, then I would say the time isn’t quite right yet. You sound like a great and thoughtful young man, and I wish you peace and happiness. Go hug your mom! One of the things I love about both of my sons is that they have always showed their affection of me very publicly and you have no idea how wonderful it feels to be talking to someone at a gathering and have a son come up and drape their arm around you while jumping into the conversation. We all need to show each other how much we really do mean to each other…every day.
Karen~
Thanks so much for your ear. I think it was nice just to vent. My foster parents said I shouldn’t even tell her yet. They said I should wait until I get a relationship, considering that I don’t know who I’ll end up with because I’m bisexual. They said if I end up with a guy as a pertner, then when the time comes, I should tell them. I don’t know. Part of me really wants to tell her though. Just to unburden myself. Just to get it out of the way. I often show affection towards my mom in public considering thats usually when I see her. Thank you for your advice again. You have no idea how greatful I am!
~Derek
Hello Everyone,
I would like to commend everyone for being here, it shows that each of you are indeed seeking solutions to your situation.
I read a lot of the young teen, and pre-teen support sites, as I seek answers to questions I had in the late early 70’s, when I was in the shoes of a lot of the young people questioning their sexuality. For those in my age range, you know, when I was in this situation, it was a lot worse. We had no support at all, we had no internet, we had no support in school, not even the mental health community offered any support.
Anyway, through my journey, it seems that one equation repeats itself over, and over again, it is the quote I even see here; “How am I going to tell other people that my child is gay?” A valid concern of any parent, but a responsibility that is not a parents. your child, no matter what age, is the person that needs to make those decisions. They will know when the time is right, and when they will feel comfortable with others knowing.
It seems that children need to have the support of their families, before they seek the support of their friends, or other family members. With the support of their parents, they can feel comfortable in questioning these feelings. In my travels among the support groups, I have come to a PERSONAL opinion that I think the parents need to guide their children s decisions regarding sexual activity. Let your children explore their sexual orientation.
Being their to guide them in finding answers to their feelings, and finding the resources they need to answer their questions will play a great role in them becoming productive members of society, and being a good person, and understanding that we are all different. Your good parenting will let them know that accepting people for who they are, and not what they are will enrich all of our lives.
So, let them lean on you when they need it, let them make the decisions that you seem to be fretting concerning who will know, when they will know, and who will tell them. As parents, you have to devote your time to you child’s mindset, worrying will none of us any good.
Good luck everyone, I hope this may have helped at least one of you.
Happy Holidays everyone….
Kyle
My 16 year old son informed me that he was attracted to men. On hearing this news I gave my son a hug and told him that I would always love him and support him because to me he was, is and always will be the son I love so much and am so proud of. I was the first person to be told of these feelings and I asked my son if it would be alright to discuss them with my wife. He informed me that he was well aware that telling me something of this magnitude would result in it being discussed with his mother. His mother was not at all phased by this revelation and stands by my son as I do.
I was in the military for a great deal of my life when the military opposed homosexuality and would dishonourably discharge such personnel. The military also “brain-washed” their personnel to be hateful of homosexual people. I am so pleased that I have allowed my liberal outlook to overtake the teachings of my former employ.
Your children are your children, cherish every moment you have with them and be proud of them for who they are. It is not easy bringing up a child and if you have succeeded in getting them to adolescence and they have confided their secret to you - embrace them and make them aware of your love for them.
Read the news and see the parents who have to deal with the bereavement of losing their children through illness, war and many other reasons. How they would wish that their only concern was that their children were not heterosexual. Consider yourself lucky that you have children, they love you enough to confide with you and you have the ability to share the future with them.
I have no issues with my son being either homosexual or bisexual. He is fantastic and I love him. He is who he is because of what he is and I love it.
Be happy for your kids - no matter what.