A Gay Boy From The Beginning
It all started as early as I could remember. Around age 5, I was greatly fascinated with my older sisters dolls and toys. I even remember asking my mom to paint my fingers with nail polish, just like my sister. Oddly enough, my mom never thought of it as weird or strange for a boy to be interested in such feminine things.
Growing up in a strict, Catholic household wasnt an easy feat; especially for a gay boy. Skipping past my molestation incident when I was 7 years old, my first instincts of not being a normal boy occurred around age 9. Yes, I was attending a small, private Catholic school with only 20 or so students per class. In the fourth grade, I always felt different, not tough or well-liked by the other kids. I cant explain why I felt alien all the time, I just did.
It wasnt until I turned 10, when I had my first experience with another boy. I became very close friends with a peer, Trevor, who was also seen as different. Our friendship grew so quickly, that we were like brothers by the middle of the school year. A very long story short, we ended up kissing each other one night (a sleep over). After that year, I knew something was terribly wrong with me.
Starting middle school, I finally entered a public school environment. It was completely different in all aspects, with the teachers, rules, peers, lunches, everything. All of this was entirely new to me; sometimes I was too overwhelmed. I didnt have a lot of friends and I wasnt popular, and I wasnt cool or big. As a late bloomer, I fought day and night with my inner feelings.
Most of my friends were growing up, getting bigger, taller, developed like men should be. It felt like I was lagging far behind everyone else. Multiple times I was mocked and teased for being so small and weak. I was already really sensitive to begin with, so these negative comments only added fuel to the flames of my insecurities.
Trying to fade out the nightmares from my molestation back when I was 7, the 9th grade was well underway. All of my friends (who were boys mind you) kept talking about girls. How they wanted to hug them, kiss them and be with them. My jaw dropped with awe. I couldnt fathom what they were saying. Be with girls? Kissing girls? Hugging them? That sounded so wrong to me, and so vile. Something I could NEVER picture myself doing.
It was then when my friends started behaving oddly around me, or at least in my eyes they were acting differently. In fact, it was I who was the different one around them. Sometimes, I called my friend and invited him over, only to have him tell me, he was going on a date with a girl. This would get me so angry, asking myself, Why would he want to hang out with a girl instead of me?
While fighting these wrong feelings, my mother kept pestering me to find a girlfriend, or kept asking me Which girls are cute in school? I cringed at the thought of cute girls but I realized what I felt was wrong so I simply told my mom, I havent seen any yet. Deep down I knew I was different, well, I figured different now. Being a late bloomer, I told myself this was a phase I needed to bypass, and once I finally reach true puberty and become a man, I will find girls attractive.
At age 14, I still looked like a child, sounded like a child and was built like a child. The teasing in high school was even worse, especially from the seniors. The tall, intimidating seniors would blatantly march up to me and ask my age. When I answered, they would openly laugh in my face (a quick leap into the future, I didnt reach puberty till about 16).
I felt so insecure while walking through the hallways of that school. Everyone, boys or girls, were bigger than I, more mature-looking than I, smarter, normal. Almost all of my friends now were obviously into the opposite gender, whether it was dating, holding hands in the hallways or talking on the phone with. Here I was, alone, confused, still waiting to find girls attractive. Again, I was still utterly convinced it was a phase because I was such a late bloomer.
It wasnt until I saw a boy named Justin. He was in my grade, and he was in the music/band programs with me. I usually saw him everyday, before first block, in the hallway, next to the library doors. Most days, Id find myself purposely taking the long way to my class to walk by Justin, just to see him. My stomach would twirl into dozens of threads when I saw his bright blonde hair and shiny blue eyes.
There was something about him, something I could never explain to myself, something I desperately desired. I remember during band, Justin was a woodwind player and sat towards the front, and as a percussionist, I had the entire back area of the music room to move around. There were times where I purposely inched my chair around, sliding back and forth, just so I could see him. He was a very popular boy, especially in the band clique. So I tried convincing myself, I like Justin so much because I want to be his friend. Yeah, I just want to be his friend, so I can be popular too. For over a year this is what I solely believed.
As time went on in my early years of high school, I found myself WANTING to please the other boys in anyway I could. If a boy asked me for a pencil, I jumped to attention and quickly handed him my best one. If a girl asked me, I shrugged and said, Sorry, this is my only one. I know that was sexist at the time, but I honestly had no idea I was doing that. Whenever the teacher lectured on and on, I drifted away into a fantasy of me and Justin. It didnt matter what I was daydreaming about, Justin was in every single one.
High school was a mess in almost all ways possible. I got IBS due to my depression of the thought of being gay. So I missed a lot of school and was in extreme amounts of pain. I didnt try real hard at school work, therefore my grades dwindled. Whenever I saw a cute boy, my body would shake without control and I loved and hated myself for it. Due to my insecurities about this issue, I was probably seen as the social weirdo. Even in junior and senior year, a few boys teased me for reasons unknown (maybe they knew, or was it because I was openly sensitive?).
Anyway, I was consciously aware I was gay during senior year when my girlfriend, Amy, wanted to make out with me and have sex. We kissed on the lips a few times but it felt so odd and awkward. I felt nothing, no spark, nothing. Amy seemed to be enjoying it, but I wanted to leave. I dont remember my excuse for not having sex with her that night; I think I told her, Im not ready. She kept pushing me and pushing me to kiss or make out with her and I kept putting it off with the lamest excuses. I deeply hated myself for doing that to her, but I could never make out with her.
Our friendship died down when we went to college, going our separate ways.Even at 18, I was still overly sensitive about being gay, well the possibility of being gay. I first came out to my mom, solo, one day after school. Ive been reading gay-help websites and stories about kids coming out and most of them were happy endings. So I prayed that my mom loved me enough to accept me. Well, things didnt go so well.
She immediately went on a guilt trip, claiming it was her fault and that she failed as a parent. I was in tears and speechless after I told her those three words. She went on and on about how bad and vile being gay was. About how Id get AIDS, live alone forever, never have a normal family, never have friends, be spat on and beaten, live in a secluded neighborhood, everything anti-gay, you name it. I went into complete system shock while she scolded me. Without thinking, I went “back in the closet and assured her it was probably just a phase that Ill get through.
The next day I was sent into therapy for social anxiety, when the real reason was to cure me. It took me a whole year to tell my therapist the true reason why I was there. Another long story short, I called my parents in with my therapist and officially came out to them. Lets just say, my parents will NEVER accept it. Theyre both die-hard, close-minded Catholics that believe what they see and what they want to see. Both of them still believe its a choice and that I chose to be gay to upset them. I assured them, it wasnt my choice and that I tried literally everything to change that. Thats when my dad told me he would rather have me with cancer than be gay.
Afterwards, my parents claim they love me, but it doesnt feel real to me. Im basically NEVER allowed to mention it ever again, never bring home a partner and never behave or act like it. Its almost like, I never told them Im gay and Im supposed to pretend Im not. Im pretty sure my parents went so far back into denial that my mom probably thinks Im straight now. She keeps making, “What happened to you and Amy? You two would have had beautiful children,remarks to me every now and then.
I went to meet a gay guy who works at a diner near my house and if my parents knew I was going there for THAT reason, they would most likely officially disown me or kick me out. He was a nice guy, but not really my type. Hes way out there and extremely flamboyant. Im okay with that, but as an introverted gay guy, thats not my style.
So here I am now, still struggling in school to achieve my dreams. Everyday feels messed up, more and more.
I dont know if Ill go crazy one day and scream it at my parents, or if Ill kill myself, I dont know. My real dream is to become a father, to raise a son, so I can love him unconditionally, without stereotyping him, teasing him, pushing him, criticizing him, making him something hes not. It doesnt matter whether Im with another man, or single.
To parents, never treat your children like their trash or a sin. You should love them unconditionally, no matter their sexual preference. Who cares if they love differently than you do? Theyre not hurting anyone, and if you truly believe theyre hurting you, then you need to desperately rethink your philosophy of life. Majority of people believe what they see, not whats real. They carry what theyre beliefs are onto their children and almost force it upon them. People need to open their mind to whats outside their cave of comfort and see the real world. It would create so much more empathy in people and resolve so many conflicts going on in this messed up world.
i really understand wat ur going =/
im 18 bi
and life sux
I just found out that my ten year old son is gay, I have allways known. I feel some what responsible due to me being a lesbian as well, I’m ok with him comming forth and telling me but I do have a sence of sadness, I’m afraid of all the bad things that could happen to him and the life style of the gay community. My other son is very supportive and is ok with brother, he’s only eight and is very smart and tell me he loves his brother no matter what he is. I have given my son nothing but good advice and love, how do I deal with this? and not feel guilty for his sexuality.
hi,
im a male in highschool now 15 in 9th grade and i have been gay for a year and proud to be honost im not sure wat its like to not be accepted cause the school i go to is verry gay friendly so it has not been a problem for me but i know the feeling of nasty parents im not sure wat to do either but if you need to talk ill be glad to
pyrostarc@aol.com
Please I need help. My parents don’t accept me. They make fun of me and tell me what to do. I have been flamboyant ever since, I was a little boy. I wore lip gloss and nail polish. I’ve been put down. I really can relate to this. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep. There are kids at my high school that make fun of me. I have always been so insecure. But I know, deep in my heart I’m gay and I’m proud. Please help me.
Hi. Really great that you wrote all this out. I’m 16 and lesbian, and in the process of coming out. I’m trying to find the best way to approach my parents. Luckily they’re not overly religious or anything, but I can’t be sure of how they’ll react.
I feel bad for you, because of the way your parents took it and you being teased.
How did your sister react?
hi!
I’m 16 year old male… i know now for nearly four years that I’m unluckily gay, but most of all i have accepted myself as one. Pretending or denying the truth about myself would obviously won’t help so my advice to all such people is that be who you are and live your life in the best possible way:)
I am 20, in china.
It’s lucky for you guys to find support in you life, and I do hope you will cherish it, Well I have too much to say, but the examing is coming and I’ll start to do my work then. Sorry for my awkward Enligsh.
Wish all of you find the balance in you lifeï¼
Hi
It is so sad to see how mixed up humanity is.!
You have explained you fear and terror so well.
Why is the religious not more compromising since the baptism of fire, when they got recognition?
Sex can be enjoyable and relaxing with mental harmony in moderation,
Then if the Creator of all Creatures did create us all.Why then did he construct us with our sex organ orifice using the same deliverence as the waste of our food and drink from our bodies. Could he not have given us a special finger or an attachment to our tongue to do the requirements for pro-creation ; love relaxation and enjoyment ?.
Whilst sex is enjoyable and relaxing and health giving in moderation, it is not a nice thought when one considers their ordinary bodily functions associated therewith; therefore it is sad for all creatures and we should think more and learn to enjoy our lives more and keeping free from injury and disease, to ourselves and all others who associate with us generally. bye now from an older person
Man, just listen…
I came out to my mom and my dad at the right time: “when they got to the point”. This is what everyone should do. Just try to keep things going until it’s unbearable to their peeps (aka when they start asking themselves “why my son doesn’t have a gf since he’s already old enough, fit, handsome, rich, intelligent, has a car, etc?”). Well when I came out it was pretty hard for them LATER, but at the moment (it was while my mom was driving her car, my dad was at her side) it felt like if she already knew.. this is the fact. Nobody can be so naive to the point of NEVER THINKING ABOUT THAT, even if they say so.
Now what you gotta do is: keep your life going, till you get your own freedom, that is when you start working and paying your bills. Then you will not have to take your parent’s advices if you don’t want to. Till then, you’ll have to understand that you depend on them mainly financially. If you are successful and can meet someone you get along well, I am sure they will end up recognizing your choice of not living a frustration forever.
I am dating a guy right now for almost one year. We are fine, his mother discovered about him – that was not exactly fine – and she hated his ex. Well, what else can I say? He’s a nice intelligent cute guy, and something funny happened sometime ago when my mom still didn’t knew about me — she pointed out him on a picture in my album “hey, this guy here is so cute, what’s his name again?”. Somethings are meant to happen. Happiness is one of them, but that depends on you being strong enough to wait for it, to help it to happen. Acceptance is a choice, but respect is not. You DESERVE respect and love no matter if your peeps accept you or not.
Eventhough my mom knows my BF and get along very well with him (he’s really sweet) she hasn’t seen us “together”. So be careful. Sometimes even when people say it’s ok to be gay doesn’t mean they wanna see you doing your gay stuff.
Got it?
best wishes,
Gui
My son is 8 and is already “experimenting” with little boy sex games. Since he was about 3months old I just had a gut feeling that he was gay. I don’t know what it was, i just knew. He’s come out to me and his dad about a year ago and it really didn’t phase us at all, I’m happy for him that he’s confident enough to let us know where he’s at with himself and his feelings. However, now he’s become all of a sudden a great deal more of a young man than a little boy and has told me that he’s been getting naked with a few friends in his bedroom and showing each other their bits and playing with them. Again fine with me…..what is worrying me that since this has been happening his “friends” then the day later or very soon afterwards are nasty to him at school and are apparently embarrassed by what they’ve been doing. My poor boy is so young he doesn’t understand why they seem to be his friend one day and happy to get close and then reject him the next day. I’m worried for his feelings and how hard it’s going to be for him to have to be more quiet to some people about what his sexuality is. If he was into girls then he would be ok to tell all his buddies what he’d been up to. But he’s already aware that he has to put up with prejudice. What can I do to support him and make sure he’s a confident gay and out as he grows up?
I am the mother of 2 wonderful beautiful boys. One is 19 and doing very well the other is 13 and I think he is gay. His father and I have always wondered. When he was small he always preferred girl toys etc…. and as he has gotten older all of his friends are girls and he is very sensitive. He has his own laptop and I have always been pretty liberal about giving my sons freedom to watch or listen to most things. I happened to pick up his laptop today and was shocked at all of the gay porn that came popping up on the screen. I changed his account and put parental controls on it. When he came home from school I told him I wanted to talk to him. I explained what I had seen and asked him to be honest with me. At first he tried to lie and then said yes he had looked at those things because a girl friend of his had told him about the sites and they thought they were funny. I told him that whatever consenting adults decided to do with their love lives was their business and I felt everyone no matter what their sexuality should be free to make their own choices without shame or confusion. I did tell him that I felt he was too young to looking at those types of sites and that was the only thing wrong with what he was looking at. The first words out of his mouth were “It’s not like I’m gay or anything” I told him that it did not matter. That if he had feelings that he felt were different from most people it was OK. He is an individual and a wonderful boy. He would really not talk to me about it any further. He later went bowling with his brother and his brothers girlfriend and by mistake left his phone at home. I did not go looking for it but when I saw it I did look at his past text messages. There were a few to girls from school simply saying “I’m not gay anymore”. And 1 other one from a girl at school asking him if he was gay because 13 people had told her he was saying it. I do not know If I should approach him again or not. I want him to know that I love him and support him no matter what. I do not care if he is gay other than I am concerned that he will go through more ridicule than most kids and that scares me. I am afraid that if I leave it alone and let him come back to me when he is ready that I am not supporting him and he will feel alone. I am also afraid that if I push him into telling me that it would hurt him and he would feel shame or that he had somehow dissapointed us – that would be so not true. But as I said he is such a sensitive kid and I am scared that any way I go will be wrong. I hear and read about so many kids that felt alone in these situations and end up doing something crazy like commiting suicide or running away. I just want him to feel safe and secure no matter what. Anyone out there that can give me advice would be appreciated.
Wooahhohoho worse then cancer to be gay? thats messed up
i remmber me just like u so gay but its ok to be gay…
i even dint tell my dad thet iam a gay and i dont have mom sens i was 4 i wish i can talk to some 1….here is my msn if some 1 can help me..:xdanix1@hotmail.com
Wow, your story caught my eye and I was hooked ’till the end because you seem just like me. I always wondered what it would be like to be gay before I could have a sexual orientation. When I got a boyfriend (I have had 4) I never felt right. I felt awkward and distant and scared. I really related to your kiss with Amy, a similar thing happened to me, I got with a boy I knew I didn’t love, or even like that much, he kissed me again and again and I felt like an object and I hated every second of it. I wanted a nice, sweet, romantic first kiss; but that’s what I got instead. Not nice. I actually almost gagged in his mouth, but I think that was more down to him being a bad kisser… When I kissed a girl for the first time (My current girlfriend)I felt a spark for the first time. I love her so much, I am very lucky. Never doubt yourself, cuz I know it’s easy.
Hello, I just wanted to mention, you’re dead wrong. Your point doesn’t make any sense.